Dear Sugar--

Last week, I was at my boyfriend's home and we got into an argument. We were drinking and the fight escalated into a screaming match. He called me some terrible names and proceeded to get my family involved in our problem. That night, after I got home, he continued calling my mother and threatened her job. He also called her a name. After this situation, we broke up and didn't speak for over a week. I got angry that he never tried to apologize and swore that we would never be together again. I was angry and hurt. My mom was my shoulder.

Time passed, and he finally called to apologize to me after he had time to assess the situation. He also called my mother and wrote her a letter to apologize to her. However, my mother now refuses to have anything to do with him. She will not accept his calls or letters. This was an isolated incident and I am certain that he is deeply sorry. Though he can never take these words back, I am a forgiving person and do not want to throw away 2 years over one mistake. My mom is not swayed. Her opinion of him has changed entirely and she does not agree with me seeing him. We are not back together - we are giving it time to see if we are meant to be - but what should I do when the time comes to tell her we are working it out? Doesn't he deserve a second chance?

--Forgiving Frieda

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Dear Forgiving Frieda--

You have to understand that your mom is looking out for your physical and emotional safety. Ultimately, it is not up to her to "accept" your boyfriend, although I understand that that is what you hope. The thing is, he involved her in the fight too, and although he has apologized, for your mom it sounds like one explosive outburst was one too many.

If you forgive him deep in your heart, and chalk this up to a one-time thing, then I understand why you would still want to be with him. Are you at all concerned that he could lose his temper again? I am sure your mom is worried that could happen which is probably the reason why she does NOT want you two to be together.

For your mom to forgive him, it might take a long time, or she may never forgive him at all. He will have to prove he's worthy of her trust and forgiveness by treating you with the love and respect that you deserve. Continue to keep up the close relationship and open communication you have with your mother. Time is a great healer and hopefully your boyfriend will prove himself to both of you. Good luck!

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