The truth is that you know. I caught my ex-husband cheating via cell-phone. I'd never had the desire to pick up his cell phone until he started be protective of it. Taking it in the bathroom with him in the shower, etc. So, one day when he crashed on the couch, I picked it up. Poof. There are disgusting photos and text messages.

my ex used to grab my phone when it buzzed so he could read incoming texts before i got a chance to filter them... he also used to trace me on gps from home to see if i really was where i claimed to be. he never caught me lying (because i wasn't) but the paranoid snooping def helped rip us apart (thank god!)

Absolutely agree with mondaymoos. You know when it's happening. I've had plenty of ex boyfriends who just started being straight up weird about their cell phones and taking them everywhere and not letting anyone else even look at it. When I asked to borrow his phone to call home and he ran upstairs to get me a different phone when his was in his pocket...I kind of figured something was up. (it was)
I asked my husband a while back how he felt about that and he said, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't matter. I agree, I don't care if he looks through my phone. I don't have anything to be ashamed of!

I think it's OK only if you seriously think something might be going on. In general, people should have some right to privacy so I don't agree with people snooping through their partner's phone without good reason.

I think if you're exclusive, you have a little bit of a right but it can get out of hand. if you're both casual, then who cares.

I agree with amelioratelj...if you have nothing to hide it shouldn't matter. My husband and I are open with each other, and I don't think either of us would feel violated if the other person looked through our phone.

Personally, I wouldn't. I think everyone has the right to privacy.

Besides, my husband and I have plenty of joint accounts (and related matters) that I have (rightly) full access to. If he was up to no good, I would find out.

I think I would be a little annoyed that he suspected something but decided to snoop rather than asking me straight out. Nobody has the right to go through my personal stuff, not even my OH. I don't go through his stuff.

I agree that when men start protecting their phone something is up. I am a HUGE fan of privacy but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. My ex used to always keep his phone on him at all times. Never left it laying around. The one time I did look at it after I had a weird feeling there was nothing to see! No texts, no calls, no nothing. He had made it a point to erase everything which was a huge red flag. Who does that unless they are hiding something?

My bf now leaves his phone laying around everywhere and I don't even want to look at. He's always telling me it's ok to look through his phone and I'm like nah, that's ok. I feel weird looking through his phone for no reason! Trust is a great thing.

definitely not. I think trust and respecting another person's privacy are paramount in a relationship.

No way...neither me or my boyfriend are the psycho, snooping type

This question is incomplete. It totally depends on the situation.

You know when something is wrong. Things don't just show up out of the blue - you get red flags. Whether you choose to ignore them or not is entirely up to you.

That said, if this is a serious relationship, meaning you guys have history, and if this person has a history of this person cheating or doing some not-so-savory things behind your back, and they have consistently proven themselves to not be trustworthy (as Spencer has), then sure, you can check it out. But I wouldn't go through and actually delete the messages or modify anything - you're gathering physical evidence, should you need to get him on something else. However, I'd wonder why you were still with a person who isn't trustworthy in the first place.

But otherwise [and that's a very very specific case!] I wouldn't do it. I'd dump the guy if there was any suspicion - ask first, and if you don't get straight answers, leave. It saves the need for snooping in the first place.

horrible!!! so bad to snoop. if you have to snoop around on a cell phone you have hit rock bottom, try a conversation instead. a cell phone is your own private business, most phones these days have access to your entire life (numerous email accounts, bank accounts, facebook/myspace/twitter)....totally against the phone snooping

i don't think cell-phone snooping is SO terrible (in that, i can understand why someone might feel they have to do it). BUT the question i would ask myself is, if i'm driven to snoop, is there really any hope for this relationship?

I'll admit, I do snoop on my kids' phones (two boys, 22 and 17) whenever I get the opportunity, which is practically never, as they have them with them at all times and sleep with them next to their pillows. Gawd forbid they miss a text at 2am!.

What with Facebook (neither of them use MySpace anymore, as far as I can tell) and the cell phones (Gah! SEXTING! Thanks, news media!), a parent never knows who their kid is talking to anymore, unlike not too very long ago when people would actually have to call a HOUSE PHONE to talk to someone. And yeah, every now and then they forget to sign out of their Facebook and I snoop on that too. It's a minefield out there for kids, I'm telling you.

I've never found anything horrible, mind you, but I'll keep on doing it as long as I can.

Peggasus, I think you should reconsider snooping on your 22-year-old. He's an adult now, and you really don't have the right anymore. If I was your son, I would be beyond livid if I found out what you were doing.

Maybe her 22-year-old son should consider moving out of his mother's house then, Chouette.

I guess I didn't realize that if you live together, it's a free for all for snooping. My bad.

lol or maybe the 22 year old son should pay his own cellphone bill. Parents always have the right to snoop as long as "you're under my roof."

I'm 22 and live at my father's house and expect him not to try to hack my email, come on. Unless the kid appears to be engaged in something dangerous it's probably not the best idea to snoop. My heart goes out to mothers of teens today, though, a "minefield" is a good word for their social environment.

Yeah Chouette, I guess I do think I have a 'free for all snooping' privilege. I AM *THE PARENT* now, i.e.; the 'under my roof' thing,' like Hiding said (thanks, Hiding, and for your support Mondaymoos). Yes, my son is an adult, in the eyes of the law. But guess who he called when he got a dui ten days ago, and who had to drive 30 miles to bail him out ($240, plus $100 for the tow), and who just paid $2000 to retain a lawyer for him?

You look pretty young yourself in your picture. Who's going to bail you out? Are you still living with your parents? Do you think they might have something to tell and teach you or help you out when you screw up? Or do you want to do something like that all on your own? So you're going to tell me I shouldn't snoop on my kids?

Sham, my younger son is 17, and I know that some of his friends drink. He doesn't, but still, it's so f*cking HARD to try to keep your kids safe these days. And I'm not 'hacking' his email, I'm just checking in when I can.

NO !!!!! of course not !! How do you want to be respected by your guy ???

Okay, sometimes the times are hard with him but, that is not a way...
Heidy was not right. However, with what happened (or what could have appenned) btw Spencer and the bartender was "louche" (= was not clear), so I'm far to be sure that btw spencer and that girl there is only friendship xD

I've never thought Spencer was a nice and respcting/ted guy, well this episode won't make me change my mind ^^

lol Peggasus, I am a married woman in my 20s with a daughter of my own and certainly not in a position where I would have to ask my parents for help to "bail me out" for anything.

Good luck with your sons. I hope the snooping works out for you.

Wow Peggasus, that was a strong response. Yeah your son messed up... but do you think snooping through his cell phone would help prevent that. I have no doubt that my parents would bail me out of jail if I needed it. (I'm 23 btw), but I also know they respect my privacy enough to not snoop through my phone and e-mail. Are you so insecure about how you raised your children that you think you have to hover that way to make sure they make the right decisions. At this point, you should just trust them. They will make mistakes, but hopefully you taught them how to learn from it.

Just saying. I would be super pissed if my family was snooping like that. You need to trust your children.

I look at it this way. If you look at your significant others phone, computer files, email, messenger, receipts, or anything else you might be opening Pandora's box so be prepared for the outcome. It might be more than what you bargained for. Yes, when my children or anybody else call me wanting help it becomes my business and privacy is no longer an option. I can't help if I don't know the whole story. I think if children want privacy after age 18 they need their own house because I will look at children's things if I think there's a need.

i dont think its snooping if i do it in front of him i use his phone sometimes and he uses mine. if i happen to see txt from ____, i'll be like "hey whos ____" he'll answer and then there's no paranoid moments of trying to analyze who _____ is by urself, cuz ur mind will definitely wander.

OK people, I'm not looking to get into a big fight with anybody about what I said. Yeah, I know, kids screw up. Parents deal with the aftermath. You may be in your twenties with a baby, and that's fine. You just don't know the rest of it until you get there. That's all I'm saying. Things will happen, and it will be tough.

I am neither bitter nor 'insecure' about how I raised my kids, nor do I 'hover.' I never have. And sometimes young people make bad decisions, and might continue to do so, so don't read anything else into that. So be 'super pissed' or 'livid' if you must, but talk to me in twenty years when you are dealing with these sort of situations, and then we'll talk.

Peace out, girls.

My point was you don't get an automatic expectation of privacy if you're still living with your parents. Are you legally an adult? Yes. Are you living an adult life...ehhhh... notsomuch. I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances that make this different, I moved in with my parents for a few weeks during my pending divorce/life meltdown. But if you're still mooching off the fam and acting out, I think you need to accept that they will likely go through your stuff.

I prefer to just ask and get a straight answer... but if that doesn't work, I like to figure stuff out asap. If I can't trust someone, then something isn't right..

it depends on the situation...when someone is cheating you know since their behaviors toward you change drastically,and if that's the case i won't mind snooping to get to the bottom of it...but i trust my bf and we have joint account and i have access to his mails and stuffs even though i don't check it,but we're pretty open and trusting in our relatonship.

For crying out loud, this has to do with YOUR life. If your SO is not coming clean with something and you have a nagging suspicion based on a series of events that have raised red flags or his behavior is changing ... then I think it warrants checking to see if he's cheating or if something is up.

Of course, I think it's important to ask him/her first so you give them an opportunity to be honest and willingly prove that nothing is going on.

What's the point of brushing some obvious red flags off if they're going to potentially bite you in the ass in the future? I want to trust and be trusted, but it's something that is earned and, unfortunately, things aren't always as they seem despite how long you've being seeing someone.

Everybody believes in privacy...until they are in a relationship that becomes suspicious.
So who's worse? the cheater? or the snoop?
I say the cheater.

If you are concerned enough to want to snoop rather than talk, it's probably too late for your relationship anyway.

i think snooping is fine. some people are just naturally nosy i know i am. i snoop on my family, my friends... everyone. and i don't concider it's snooping, as i'm not looking for something incriminating, just for fun, to see who they communicate with.

and as pegassus said, parents can snoop away, i know my mum does and it's fine. she knows everything anyway, as i tell her everything, and even if i don't - she can see right through me.

doesn't intimacy mean you share your privacy? i wouldn't mind if my friends' SO would read our emails or texts...

I've accidentally found things in my SO's house ('romantic gifts' from exes that should have been long gone before he asked me to move across the country to be with him, let alone before he asked me to marry him), that caused a lot of red flags to be raised. I asked him about it and he got all upset and gave me some b.s. half-answer instead of talking to me rationally. So I went snooping and found out a LOT. He got mad at me for finding his stash of naked pics of exes on his computer and in a box in the game room downstairs. Yep, HE got mad at ME. Mind you, we've already had at least two conversations about how it hurts me deeply that he keeps these things, and yet he still persisted. He has also had, what I consider, inappropriate conversations with his exes and other girls I know he's been into or slept with (VERY recently before our relationship started) via text messages. I asked him to stop because I didn't think a man who is about to be married should be talking to other women like that. He, of course, didn't see anything wrong with what he said and tried to twist it around to be some innocent little conversation. We have been struggling with this issue because now he just continues to do what he wants regardless of me literally begging him to consider my feelings on this and then covers it up by deleting everything from his phone, moving all the porn made with exes to an external drive so his computer looks "innocent", and then has the nerve to say, "Why the hell can't you just trust me?? I'm so close to kicking you out of here forever!" He's been a perfect charming prince lately. Cooking me dinner, being really sweet and innocent.. and just on Friday he slipped again, and tried to hide it. I know way more about computers than he does, so when he let me use his tonight to get some addresses from my e-mail, it wasn't hard to find his browsing and download history. Can you believe we're getting married in 16 days?

...

Tammy Z. why the hell are you gunna marry this guy? you don't trust him and he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

Tammy get out of that relationship RIGHT NOW, much better to break off an engagement than have a honeymoon divorce. "Close to kicking you out of here forever"??? GET RID OF HIM! What would you tell your girl friends to do?

I agree each situation is different and it depends on that. Personally I would hope if I was with someone and thought he was cheating we would have a good enough relationship where I wouldn't have to snoop through his phone, Email or what have you. If you have to snoop around instead of being upfront and honest I think that says a lot already about the relationship and where it stands and what you as a couple need to work on. However with "The Hills" I think that show is so fake and scripted anyways. But it is a good topic to discuss.

I agree that Tammy should get out of that relationship. If he's like that now imagine how it will be once you're married and even having kids. You should really look at the relationship and look at what's going on before you're seriously married.

Tammy that guy sounds like a psycho! If you marry him it will be 10X worse. Sorry but better to get out now than all that heartache down the road. I hope you find someone that treats you the way you deserve & not be manipulative like that.

Its never OK in my book that is something privet, if my bf does not trust me or had a dude I don't think he should be with me, relationships is all about trust and respect if you don't have these two things then you don't have a solid relationship. If I ever caught my bf snooping in my phone, purse, or any privet thing without my permission that day everything will be over. If you have a suspicion that he is cheating I don't think you should be with that person anymore.

I agree that if it comes down to snooping through your SO's phone, you already have your answer about the state of your relationship.

I think its ok only if you don't get caught. Sometimes you might doubt your mate and think that something is going on so if you check his phone and find nothing. It can reassure your trust and you can move on. However if you get caught the he realizes that you don't trust him it may cause issues. And of course if he is cheating, good for you to know and get rid of him.

and to Tammy. DON"T MARRY HIM!!! I know it's hard. I've fell for a couple of low life's myself. But you know whats acceptable and whats not, don't let him disrespect your boundaries, get out!

If you think a person is cheating of course you are going to pounce on the cell phone first chance you get or email or whatever. If your married or committed you have a right to know. If someone waves the privacy issue then maybe we should throw them a pity party. If they're stupid enough to have a text message on their phone then they deserve the consequences. On the bright side cell phones save us thousands of dollars every year so private detectives don't have to be hired.