A friend told me an interesting story that provides a modern twist on the high drama that often goes on during wedding preparations.
Her friend — we'll call her X — identifies as a lesbian and often wears boyish clothes. X was invited to her cousin's wedding and asked to read a poem — but the cousin balked when she found out that she was going to wear a man's suit. "Can't you wear something more girlish and feminine — for me?!" was the gist of her response.
After some discussion, the cousin realized she was asking for something unfair; what difference did it make that X, someone she loved, wore a suit or not? The most important thing was that she would be there for the wedding. At the end of the day, X wore a suit, did a wonderful reading of the poem, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Have you ever had unreasonable sartorial demands asked of you for a wedding? (Like, say, "Please wear this fuchsia-colored bridesmaid dress so I look dazzling?") How did you handle it?
Singh S. Madan
Givenchy
Stuart Weitzman
You go, X! What she did was perfect; eactly what was called for. The bride had no right to ask that of her.
"Please pretend to be someone you are not on my wedding day"
I commend X...I think I would have gotten so riled up the more I sat on that request, I would have refused to give the speech in the end. I hold grudges lol.
1Brides get way wound up about their wedding day, she messed up by asking X to be more feminine but its forgivable.
For my wedding I asked the mother (my husbands aunt) of the ring bearer if he had a little suit, or nice clothes to wear and she told me Yes, and I made sure she knew that It was to be a formal wedding. The kid freaking showed up in a black t shirt and navy sweatpants. I had my tizzy in the dressing rooms and then just accepted it (it took everything i had to stop my mom from going out and buying this kid clothes) The wedding was great, and no one cared that the little man looked ridiculous (but guess who didnt get to be in pictures!)
2I am like Kathrine Heigl in 27 Dresses. I will do whatever you ask to make you happy on your special day. I do think the Bride asked her to dress more feminine not necessarily "please don't wear a suit." I think maybe she could have worn a woman's suit and pleased her cousin. It was her wedding day. I just believe in that whole "Its your day" thing. Can't help it. I know I am gonna be that braid asking people to do things they wouldn't wanna do. So I might as well grin and bear it for others.
3i agree with LOVE ANGELINA on this one. she could have dressed a little more appropriate than a man's suit to appease her cousin. she wasn't asked to put on a hot pink mini-dress, but she was asked to dress somewhat like the female she is. fair enough. it was her cousin's wedding therefore her cousin's choice.
4a bride can ask her bridesmaids to wear her choice of outfit, but for a general guest -- even someone who is participating in the ceremony -- that's just too much. go X, I bet she looked fantastic.
5This story almost hits home with me. I have a friend with whom I've know since the 1st grade, been friends since the 4th and who was also my roommate in college from fresh(wo)man through junior year who got married about two years ago. We have the same friends from college so when I found out that she asked them to be bridesmaids in her wedding I was a hurt. She asked them in I think in June and brought it up to me in October. From June to October I asked her about the wedding, told her if there's anything I could do to help just let me know. October was when she finally brought up the bridesmaid issue. She asked me if I would show my arms at the wedding. I replied no then she asked me if I could make an exception for her wedding. I chuckled and said know. I've been Muslim all of my life, she knew this. She also knows my style of dress so thinking I would show my arms for her wedding should've been a moot point. Needless to say I sucked it up showed up as a guest. The funny thing is, coincidentally the outfit that I wore matched the bridesmaids dresses and I didn't have to show my arms in the process.
6This goes far beyond something like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses. Asking a butch lesbian to wear something something more stereotypically feminine would be like asking my boyfriend to wear a skirt or, as akyiba mentioned, a Muslim to show up in a Bebe dress. It's one thing to ask someone to dress "nice", it's another to ask someone to be something they are not.
7well said, leslievanhoute. not to mention that marriage is an institution that legally excludes gay people from participation in it--to ask someone not only to happily participate in the celebration of an institution that is so discriminatory but to also adopt a gender role that makes them uncomfortable is profoundly insensitive.
8if you are participating in a wedding (and reading a poem is certainly participating...more than a guest)...you are expected to dress the part
i did a reading at age 10 for my aunt's wedding and my parents splashed out on a nice dress, my hair was done, i looked very fancy...my siblings looked good too but i was extra-special because i was standing up in front of the church and being a part of their ceremony
9I feel that if you've been asked to be in a wedding, you should show up in appropriately formal attire. For a butch lesbian, I think a suit is completely appropriate. It's not like she was showing up in a trucker cap and cut-off shorts or anything. I'm lucky because almost all of my friends have been pretty cool about their weddings; one just told us, "Wear any dress you like as long as it's this color." It let us all express our own style, but together, we looked like Team Bridesmaid. Everyone was happy.
10I think a suit is appropriate for a woman who chooses to dress in a masculine way. This woman obviously gave up dresses long ago and it's really insensitive to ask her to wear something she's not accustomed to wear just because some of the older relatives might be disturbed.
"ask her to dress like the woman she is" - wow. this could apply to pretty much any woman in everyday life in Saudi Arabia, where the religious police enforce a dress code for women. I am totally against women being forced to dress a certain way just because of their sex. sorry.
11i'd be one of those bridezillas
i'veseen so many pictures of OK weddings that the
people ruined with their aweful clothing.
12I think brides are insane. When I get married, people will be allowed to wear whatever the F they want. It's a wedding, to celebrate love and commitment - not to give you that one day opportunity to act like a raging b*tch and make demands on everyone you love. It's just crazy.
And, CG - that was a little boy; why would you want him restrained in a monkey suit?? Don't worry, he'll be part of the masses soon enough.
Pfff. I think all of this is so lame.
13"Unreasonable sartorial demands" seem to be a "natural" part of weddings. Not long ago a friend of mine had to shell out ridiculous amounts of money for a bunch of crap she didn't want/need, from a hideous bridesmaid dress to crappy shoes to gaudy makeup on the day of the wedding (the list goes on), all to "please" the bride. And everyone is too worried to hurt the bride's feelings to say anything! I myself am unwilling to go into debt for someone else's "blessed" event. You want people to wear specific clothing that they don't already have? Buy it for them! Of course, weddings, beside the symbolicism, have never been important enough to me to care about color/hair/makeup/nail polish/flower coordination, etc. I guess for someone who has dreamed of their "perfect" wedding all their life it's a big deal - but remember, it's YOUR dream, NOT your friends.
14Yeah, yeah no. This dry spell sucks. Where are the questions, man?!
eta: I'm with the suited girl. I'm so sick of women getting on this stupid bridezilla bandwagon. It's unbecoming to be such a raging nightmare!
15I wonder what the suit was like. If it was a nice formal suit meant for special occasions, it's completely appropriate. However, if it was a baggy suit paired with sneakers (Yes, I've seen this before), I think the bride had the right to request that her cousin wear something nicer for her wedding- though that doesn't always mean a dress.
16Go X. I don't mind the bad brides maids dresses but it seems kinda insulting to her personal style the way the bride asked that
17I am waiting for the tomatoes to fly at me because I would have asked the same thing. Sorry.
I know I am in the minority but before my brother passed I asked him that I if I got married, would he wear a suit to my ceremony and he agreed . I asked him because it had been so long since I had seen him in one and it would probably be the first time for sooo many people. Heck, it would be the first time in a long time that some people have seen me in a dress!!
18Was it a well-tailored suit, or a baggy, misfit one? I can almost understand if it didn't fit her right, because men's clothes aren't meant to fit women's bodies, and they do tend to look sloppy on them. And I don't think that she's just a guest..she was standing in front of the auditorium to read the poem, not just sitting in a pew...I don't think it's entirely out of line for the bride to want her to look nice.
In a situation like akiyba's though, the bride really was out of place.
Bella..it's funny that you mention that wedding...my sister-in-law was just in a wedding about a month ago and had the same stipulation from the bride.."I don't care what dress it is, as long as it's black" The bridal party looked great too!
19From what I hear — she's a sharp dresser, so I doubt she'd wear like, a Zoot Suit with Converse sneakers to the wedding! Suits can be tailored to fit a woman properly. I think the issue was less "Is your suit going to fit you well?" than "OMG — you're going to wear a suit?!"
20Honestly, I would have asked her to wear a dress.
People are asked to do all sorts of things they hate in weddings, but they do them anyway to make that person's special day perfect - you don't get a pass for being a lesbian.
My sister HATES makeup, gowns, hair styling, high heels...etc...but when a close family member gets married and it is a formal affair she will go all out for that person. She won't half-@ss it and wear just any dress and just pull her hair back.
We are all asked to get our of our comfort zones to make someone we loves day - you don't get an exemption because your comfort zone comes with politics.
21Well, it is her wedding. She can grin and bear it for one day to make the bride a happy clam.
22I'm requiring male guests to dress in drag at my wedding. It's MY day, everyone must do as I command!!!
23Ha! I love it javsmav!
24I would expect people to dress up a little for a wedding. But dressing up, in my book at least, doesn't mean "girls must wear dresses". A suit is formal and dashing, especially for girls.
25Actually, the last couple of wedding I went to, a lot of women wore suits. Not everybody likes to wear dresses and since when are women required to wear dressed to look "feminine" anyway? That's just so prejudiced and kind of mean, too.
Why should brides be so caught up in all the stupid crap that goes along with the "perfect" wedding? I had one of those weddings, and I was a total b#$@h about it all, and you know what? It was a miserable day for me that ended in divorce shortly thereafter.
As I start to plan my second wedding, I am not ashamed that I have been married before, but I am certainly excited that I get to show people something about who I truly am, and who my fiance truly is, and what we are truly like together--not try to appear perfect and pristine an ask others to bend over backwards to meet our every whim. Why is it so important to have the appearance of perfect if it means sacrificing the happiness of the guests? Isn't the point of having one of those perfect weddings so your guests will be impressed and have a good time? Then worry about making that happen rather than some keeping up this flawless facade.
26My mother had polio when she was young and has scars all over her legs from surgeries, so she prefers to wear pantsuits all the time. She would love to wear dresses but can't. She always looks feminine and beautiful, so just b/c X wore a pantsuit doesn't mean she looked like a boy. As long as she wore a tailored suit, I don't see the problem. I can understand, though, if the cousin was worried she was going to look sloppy or unsightly.
27my sister asked me to wear a dress on her wedding day and not a tux. However, When i got up to read the poem shes selected for me, it wasnt there! and i stuttered akwardly and sat down... i was redder than my dress and as akward as how i was walking in it
28I don't get the bridezillas who feel the need to control what other people wear-- tux or dress, it doesn't matter as long as that person (who is going to be in front of a lot of people) is comfortable. But maybe I'm just more comfortable with people being themselves.
29A wedding is not about self expression for the butch lesbian, a wedding is about showing up with respect for the couple of the hour. I don't like to wear suits, and I'd rather go in short and a simon cowel t0shirt, but my Mother taught me decorum and respect, and so I squeeze into my suit.
zeze is right. You don't get a pass because you are special and political. There's too much self-entitlement today. She can be a butch 364 days of the year. Why doesn't she think of a cause other than yourself, for one.
30If I can get my fiance in a suit on our wedding day, I'll be happy. He'd show up in gym clothes if I let him.
31I think being yourself is awesome but... if my brother had to read any poem at my wedding, I wouldn't let him come in sporty clothes (because he would, same as your fiancé, ladybirda ). I think... a wedding is a very special event and that microscopic problem might provoke the bride to freak out. Or maybe not, it depends of the bride.
32P.S.: Man suits are great, and many of my friends have wore them to weddings so I see no point in making someone wear something else. Dressing manly doesn't mean you're not a great person who can say lovely things at your wedding!
33Here I go again, where I live in Europe we simply don't do the whole bridesmaid thing. Everybody comes dressed more or less formally (depending on the sort of marriage), no special instructions needed. I do expect someone taking part in the ceremony do be dressed a little special because that's what gives the message from that person that he or she understands how important and special this day is for you and that they made an effort as a sign of respect and honor. Nothing to do with every damn thing matching and coordinating.
34A lot of people are comparing it to making men wear a suit instead of sports clothes, but this is different. It was a formal dress code and X was wearing a formal suit, thereby following the dress code.
If she was a bridesmaid, the bride could tell her what to wear. But as a guest? She shouldn't say anything.
35In the end it was the cousin's wedding and I think that X would have been herself in whatever outfit she wore.
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