Oh yeah, something like this happened to me. I was the maid of honor for a friend. Did all of the MoH duties, spent a lot of time (and money!) on parties and planning. And then, at the rehearsal dinner, her cousin shows up from 1000 miles away, and the bride introduces HER as the "maid of honor."

I was one unhappy Bella.

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY WEDDING!
I was in a form co-workers wedding and so I felt obligated to ask her to be in mine- BIG MISTAKE!
She was so slow for everything- never came to my bridal shower, took forever to order the dress, was impossible to get a hold of then here is the kicker....
She showed up for the rehersals and the dinner and then didn't show up the next morning for pictures and didn't even make it to the church in time for the wedding!
Needless to say I have not seen or spoken to her since!

this has never happened to me but i can only assume that by the time something like this happens, there is soooo much drama surrounding the event that i wouldn't want to have anything to do with it!

Yes, this JUST happened to me. My friend is getting married (next spring) and she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids...then one night she got mad at me for not meeting her and her fiance for drinks (because I had other plans) and as punishment she demoted me to just a guest at the wedding...

I'm not too upset. More relieved. Now I don't feel obligated to listen to her talk about all the planning and drama that goes along with it.

cfp - i'd consider myself lucky to be relieved of my duties of someone who is that fickle a friend and that moody and self-centred! jeeeez!!

I avoid being part of the wedding party as much as I can. Too much money, too much stress, too much BS surrounding the whole ordeal. I have no patience for bossy brides who freak out because you looked at her wrong, or admitted, when asked, that her veil looked a little bit too grandma-ish.

Thank God I plan on eloping, and avoid being a complete b*tch because I'm not getting my way.

Some people just get carried away with the drama. I haven't had this happen to me exactly....I was going to MoH at my friends wedding, but it didn't end up happening, but when my friend did end up getting married (to someone else) I wasn't even in the bridal party. We had grown apart during that time, but it was still sad.

Luckily this has yet to happen to me but if it did depending on what I had invested I may or may not be all that bummed to be honest.

I make it a rule to not be in a wedding unless I consider the bride a very close friend/BFF. My s-i-l asked me to be a bridesmaid out of obligation (we really didn't know each other) and I declined. I don't want to spend the time/money doing something that doesn't give me joy. A coworker was just a bridesmaid in a wedding and in the end spent about $1000, between the dress, alterations, hair/makeup, gifts AND airfare - and she didn't even really like the girl. No thanks.

Ahhh...i am so in need of some opinions on a very similar personal situation. i'll make it short and simple. i am am anxious to hear (or read) what other people think...
1. When I got married (2001) i had both of my younger sisters as my MOH's - despite the fact that they were still both in highschool and onviously wouldn't be able to do the MOH duties- but it didn't matter to me. I knew I could depend on my maid of honors to fulfill them happily.
2. When my middle sister (I am the oldest of three) got married, last may she had both myself and our younger sister as her MOH's...
3. This past November our youngest sister got engaged. WHen it came to asking me if i'd be in her bridal party- she stated it very obscurely by saying "i was wondering if you'd be available to be in our wedding". I ask her what she wants me to do and she says "I haven't figured out everyones jobs yet". Despite this, and the fact that this was a lie, i say ok.
4. I come to find out through her wedding website that she has named our other sister ONLY as her matron of honor and myself as a bridesmaid.
5. this upsets me and I decide that i need to call her to talk to her about some of my issues.
6. she tells me she has no time to talk right then and so i ask if there's a better time for me to call her back and she starts screaming at me saying that i shouldn't have any personal issues because it's her wedding. I insist that i'd still like to talk to her and i try to calm her down. She is not interested in talking, she continues to yell and then makes the assumption that i'm not going to be in her wedding.
8. she shouts "well if you can't be IN the wedding then you can't be there either. throw out my save the date!!!"
9. I tell her that, that isn't it at all and that i love her and support her getting married i just have some issues to talk to her about.
10. she hangs up on me.
11. so without ever being given the chance to explain anything, she removes me from the party and even the guest list and I haven't heard from her since.
12. Our other sister has not contacted me or said anything about this whatsoever.

bonus...after all that..she removed me from her facebook. so i guess i don't exist to her anymore?

ok..ready for the opinions...

kris -
a) she's stressed about the planning of this huge event which i assume is why she had a temper tantrum on the phone
b) is she the kind of person who often freaks out and flies off the handle when things don't go her way? aka: spoiled brat
c) it seems you must have done something to upset her and choose your other sister to be her MOH and not you....frankly the fact that she asked in an obscure way, removed you from facebook, and told you not to come to the wedding, you've done something else that has bothered her....

this seems to go way beyond the wedding party thing

My sentiments are exactly those of Chrstne. Can't stand all the BS and the whole thing IS an ordeal. No better word for it. Seems like there is no way to avoid offending someone or getting offended by the most stupid things- gift/food/party/music (insert noun) not good enough, so and so not doing enough, not being grateful enough, not close enough a friend... . Chrstne, elope! I highly recommend it!

hi skigurl... thank you for your input. i can say that option b is all her. she is very very materialistic, she is very high drama, everything has to be her way or she will flip out. she screams and yells and can be very verbally abusive to people. then after some time, she just expects the abused to 'get over it' and act like it never happened. she has no comprehension of the destructiveness she causes.
now, as for me doing something. Honestly, Prior to her engagement or any of this, everything was fine. Everything was normal and smooth between us up until i tried talking to her.
I have been told by others that it seems that she just didn't want me in it from the get go. I am actually a half sister to them both and she has always singled me out in her 'subtle' ways. i think this was her way to draw a line in the sand.
all i know is that our relationship is over. she has caused irreparable damage. i have no intention of calling her ( i don't think i am the one that needs to reach out) and i know she never will. and this was the final straw- i'm not willing to 'get over it' and pretend it never happened. it did happen. and i won't ever forget it and i will never forgive her.

kris - the fact that she's always been a spoiled brat all her life and the fact that she has never fully accepted you in to the sister clique as she has her full sister, those are pretty key to this problem! i can't even give you advice...you've made up your mind and frankly you've made a good call! just try not to let it tear the rest of your family apart. just let her be closed-minded and selfish and ruin her big day on her own. don't even get involved!

Thank you skigurl! I appreciate your perspective. I am now just focusing on my own life (which is good) and focusing on those people i have around me that truly care about me and value me. I wish her all the luck and i'm pretty sure she's going to need it!!

All of my friends are too young to get married..but I see bridesmaid in my future, and If I get booted I will not be a happy camper! especially if I have to spend lots of time and money on a dress, and fittings!

I was in both situations. I did all the legwork for a friend's wedding, and yet was not the Maid of Honor - a friend she was spending a lot of time with right before she got engaged was given the honor and then proceeded to do none of the work. They weren't even speaking by the wedding, and they have since lost touch with one another.

As a bride, I asked an old friend who I didn't see much, but have known for years, to be my Maid of Honor. It became apparent that she had a lot going on in her personal life and wasn't able to be involved in any aspect of the wedding, to the point where we didn't even know if she'd show up on the day of. I asked her to still be in the wedding, but in a different capacity, as a bridesmaid. She freaked out and we haven't spoken since, which shows me that there wasn't much of a friendship there any longer.

I know how I would feel if I was asked to "step aside" - angry and hurt. I would only be in the wedding party of a close friend, though, so I'd hope we could talk about it and she'd tell me why. I don't think a friendship has to be ruined over it.

it kind of happen to me too in a bad way...i was a bridesmaid at a friend wedding everything was going good,and i was pretty excited about the whole thing when an old best friend of hers showed up and received my bridesmaid dress and my place and i was relegated to being a guest...i'm still not happy about that but we're still friend and i love her.

I guess this is where I'm confused -- why would you ever ask someone to be in your bridal party (or accept to being in someone else's party) if you're not close with that person? I really don't think there's room for obligatory invites; it just causes too issues.

Simple example: my brother is friendly but not yet close with my fiance yet. Rather than bro being a groomsmen by default, he's one of my attendents instead. Everyone involved is happy, and bro didn't have to shell out $$ to go to a bachelor party where he would only know 2 people.

I had my younger sis be my MOH when she was just 16, i didn't really want to because she was so young and we weren't the greatest of friends but that's what you do, i mean it's family right? You have to have them.
When she was getting married she asked me to be her MOH, i got the dress and all that jazz. The night before at the rehearsal dinner I met my future bro in law's brother and commented that it was nice to meet the man I would be walking down the aisle with. He said Oh, I'm walking with so and so who happened to be my sisters ex lesbian lover!
I was so angry and pretty much didn't talk to her through the whole ordeal. It's still affected our relationship 10 years later...

I wish I was kicked out of someone's wedding party. She turned into a real b*tch and treated me horribly, but I did my duty anyways. Needless to say she was also in mine which was a month after hers (we used to be good friends when we made these arrangements) but when I kept checking to see if she had picked up her bridesmaid dress (that I paid for so that it could be ordered) a week before my wedding and she hadn't I asked another girl to step in. My fiance had to tell her that she didn't need to be in the wedding when she stopped my our house to ask about the dress 3 days before my wedding. He said she looked relieved.

thankfully i can say this has never happened to me! i was asked last year to be one of my friends bridesmaid. things worked out great, and drama free. but sometimes weddings can cause problems, because the bride is in a freenze for things to be prefect..which they usually are not!! i think if you're going to ask someone to be in your wedding make sure you think long and hard about the position they will be holding..if they are not responsible and you know that then don't give them the job of making sure things get done when they need to!! to save friendship and make things a whole lot eaiser, only ask your true near and dear friends to be in your wedding!!!

kris810 - I don't know what was going on between you and your sister up to the point of her naming the other sister as MOH, but I don't understand why you had a need to talk about it. It just sounds like you assumed that just because she was your MOH, you'd be hers. It doesn't always work like that and to put her on the spot of asking her why she didn't choose you sounds a bit petty in my opinion. If she had decided to ask a friend to be MOH instead of either of her sisters, then so be it! It is her wedding after all. Heck, if she wanted a guy as her "guy of honor," then that's her choice. It's not a "this for that" kind of situation.

Now if you wanted to talk to her because she was being rude to you in general, that's a different issue because you don't deserve that kind of treatment. But bringing up the issue of why she didn't pick you as MOH just makes you sound whiny.

Ugh I had a horrible bridesmaid experience. Not only was I demoted to Bridesmaid after being told by the bride I was her unofficial maid of honour, but our friendship of like 15 years is OVER.

First, the maid of honour TO bridesmaid saga
We had always been great friends me and TT, since the beginning of high school... naturally she asked me, and our other 'best friends' to be bridesmaids. I was going through some personal issues (seeing a psychologist twice a week for severe depression) and the only activity I put all my energy into was being a bridesmaid, even though I was going through hell. One time, when we were discussing the wedding, she secretly told me I was the unofficial maid of honour, but not to tell the other girls... I didn't.
Closer to the wedding, TT asked another NEWER friend to also be a bridesmaid... at the rehearsals, she announced the new girl as the maid of honour. Ouch. I didn't say anything.

Now, onto how our friendship broke up:
After the wedding, TT wasn't too happy with me or one of our other friends... even though we had fulfilled all our obligations as bridesmaids, apparently it was not enough. But it's true we weren't all that excited (I'm not that into weddings, but I tried). TT and I discussed it, and I let her know of my troubles, and she was very understanding. She said she was going through something similar. We bonded. Everything seemed great.

Then, came another bust up- it was my birthday and I didn't want to do anything, mainly because I hadn't been all that in touch with people (sill due to my depression) and didn't see the point in going out for dinner... anyway, I was convinced to have a get together... and it was arranged LAST minute... as in 5pm for a 6pm meet! Now, I was in contact during the day (my birthday) with other people, so they knew that I was trying to think of something to do (after they convinced me)... so, I didn't contact TT till the last minute. Anyway, she didn't answer her phone as usual, and didn't return my call or show up.

Weeks later, I found out from a friend that TT was mad at me, I emailed her to apologise for not giving more notice, but that it wasn't intentional.. and told her how it was last minute… well all of a sudden I was the most selfish person in t eh world, had never been a good friend, ruined her wedding etc etc.

That was last August and we still haven’t spoken. And I don’t think we ever will…. I apologised, and it wasn’t enough… so I guess that’s that. It has also affected my other relationships with the other girls as TT decided to tell them x, y, z, I felt like being the bigger person and tried my hardest not to involve others… but, yeh...

Sorry that was really long, but I haven't really spoken much about it. It's still a very open wound

Especially considering we were a group of 4 best friends, who regularly caught up... well the others still catch up... just without me now.

I am still very good friends with one of the girls, and we never speak of the bust-up, but it breaks my heart every time she mentions she is meeting the other girls... and even worse when she says they asked about me... I just ignore it. To be honest, it hurts too much to even acknowledge it. *sigh

yikes missy! i hate friend breakups. way worse than boyfriend breakups...

I think all friendships go through their ups and downs, but a true friendship will weather the storm. If you care enough about your friendship, you will pick up the broken pieces and try to heal and move forward with your relationship. If the friend makes no effort in this, she wasn't a great friend to begin with.

I am older than most on here, but I personally have been a bridesmaid/MoH in 7 weddings. They were all women I knew either in high school or college, and were dear friends at the time, even though I haven't kept in touch with some of them over the years.

I was lucky that they were intelligent, fun women who didn't take themselves too seriously...yes they were nervous about their wedding days, but having me and other friends there HELPED that, and they knew and appreciated it.

Don't know how anyone could take a bridezilla...I would totally b*tch slap someone like that. Brides that actually downgrade someone in their bridal party? WTF????

I can't believe someone as great as I am is still single, and these spoiled b*tches are getting married! LOL!!!

I was the one who did the booting. When I first got in engaged I asked a really close girlfriend to be in the wedding. My fiancé and I were engaged for 2 ½ years so when we started planning the wedding me and her had grown apart and barley spoke so I never brought it up again and just invited her to attend the wedding.

My MOH initially started out as a real pain in the patella. I've known her since we were 7 years old (about 19 years). She has always been "Wedding-Obsessed". I, on the other hand, never thought about how I wanted things until I got engaged. In any event, when I got in engaged I let her know that she would be the maid of honor etc. She spent the majority of my planning period planning HER OWN wedding!! She talked to me about everything that SHE wanted for her dream wedding. She wasn't even engaged! She still isn't...

So at about 6 months to "show time" regarding my wedding I had to speak up. She apologized and such, but she still didn't know what she was doing. Example, I basically planned my own bridal shower and bachelorette party. My other bridesmaids eventually forbid me from doing anything else regarding planning. There were 7 of them and they were here a couple days before the wedding and really helped pull things together.

My best friend and I are still close, but it was very hard (at the time) to get over her cluelessness about how very self-absorbed and ineffective she was as an MOH. On the whole I know that she tried. I love her for trying and while it wasn't perfect it was enough for me.

Good luck to others not so fortunate!

Wow, that's so rude, Tres! I'd be really careful about who I picked, and hopefully avoid this situation.

My boyfrined's sister (we are close) asked me to be the MOH at her destination wedding. Later, she said that her fiance's sister was super peeved that the bride hadn't asked HER to be the MOH, but that this didn't change her mind.
A couple months after, though, the bride told me that she had changed her mind, and would let her fiance's sister be the MOH, downgrading me to just BM.
I was completely fine with that. I still felt honored that she would have had me be the MOH if there hadn't been all these other complications. And I though it was really silly and immature of her fiance's sister to get mad about not getting a spot she obviously thought she deserved. I would rather there be no drama. I know weddings are special occasions and all, but I LAUGH in the face of all of these expectations and hurt feelings.
The way I see it, this way I have less work to do, and can stand up with my boyfriend, who is a groomsman in the wedding, instead of having to stand with the BM, who is the fiance's brother.
So ha! Now the fiance's brother and sister can have a nice family walk down the isle in their beloved places of "honor".
While I sit back, happy for the couple, and enjoy the beach

Hey girls. I'm getting married in September and I sent a polite email yesterday to one of my bridesmaids and lifelong friends, giving her the option of just attending the wedding as a guest. I'm really not sure if it was the right thing to do, but all drama aside, she had her first child last month and is really stressed about being away from her family for three days (She lives in MD, wedding's in NJ, and her family isn't coming). She also hasn't exactly been reliable for anything I've needed as a result, which is understandable. I'm waiting for her response back and am crossing my fingers she stays on - It's not something I want at all, but I felt it was fair to give her the option. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

I had the unfortunate duty as the bride-to-be to boot one of my maids of honor from my wedding (I had 2). The situation was exceptionally hard for me as she showed absolutely no interest to do anything prior to the actual wedding day. She didn't even want to come get her hair/makeup done with the rest of us. She preferred to show up at her own time and do her own thing. As maid of honor in my wedding, she had limited duties... her only duty was to go pick out her own dress, and make sure she could reuse it. That's it.

The very unfortunate part is that she is family, and didn't handle getting the boot too well... mainly because she's never been caught and 'punished' for any of her crazy shenanigans until then.

My advice? Make sure the people you appoint to be in your wedding party really want to be there, and clarify the duties beforehand so they have fair warning.

For me, I have no regrets and the wedding went off beautifully. I figured it was best to find out what people are really like before REAL responsibility is issued.

I have just been placed in a similar situation to those listed above. My friend and I have been BFs since high school and although we've drifted apart a little we're still very close. It's a destination wedding so to attend we need to fork out $3600 not including spending money. 3 of us were originally asked to be bridesmaids without a MOH being assigned, after which she decided she didn't want a bridal party at all any more. Today (after I msgd her to see how she was and if there's anything new to be done for the wedding) she sends to me in a text that the bridal pary is back on but with only 2 bridesmaids so i'm out. I felt like i'd been kicked in the guts. One of the bridesmaids hasn't even applied for the time off yet to attend the wedding (which is on a 10 day cruise). She also asked if i can still help arrange the hen's night and hel with the other wedding arrangements. I told her that i understand but have since decided not to attend the wedding because with spending money it equates to 3 and a half months mortgage payments. I told know how to tell her without it seeming spiteful- I just can't justify spending that much money on a 20 min ceremony with no reception when im not in the party. And it will be a little humiliating when everyone at the wedding will know that i was asked not be bridesmaid coz it was listed on the wedding website.
Sorry i know its long but im confused (and venting).
What should I do?