Dr. Laura Berman was back on Oprah yesterday talking about — what else? — sex. Only this time she was teaching the importance of talking to your kids about sex. Having the birds and the bees talk is definitely an uncomfortable and scary thing to do, but Dr. Berman feels that if you haven't already broached the subject with your teen, you could be making a huge mistake.
Through diagrams and open dialog, she helped mothers break the ice about sex and sexual pleasure, but one controversial thing she recommends parents do is talk and teach their kids about masturbation. It seemed like everyone in the audience was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of this and I have to agree — I don't recall my mother ever talking to me about pleasuring myself! Now I might be in the minority here, so tell me ladies, did you talk about masturbation with your parents when you were a kid? And do you plan on talking with your children about it?
Rebecca Taylor
Matches Fashion
Beyond The Valley
She recommended telling your child about masturbation after the age of 14, before that she said to just talk about the "mechanics" of it, like where your clitoris is, how its okay to touch yourself down there, Not go into orgasms and such till later.
She also recommended buying (for your daughter age 14 and up) a clitoral stimulator. Not a vibrator, nothing that penetrates but one of those pocket ones that does vibrate. ANd the audience went NUTSO!! BUT i understand why she says its better:
She says that when a girl who has never masturbated or had an orgasm has sex with a boy and she does end up having an orgasm , she instantly makes the connection that the wonderful amazing (because cmon orgasms are magical arent they?) thing that happened (the orgasm) HAS to be love for this guy, and its automatically joined to having sex with a guy.
Now if she knows about masturbation and self pleasure and experiences the magic with herself, she now owns that feeling its hers and hers alone and she wont be confused about sharing that pleasure with a guy in the future, she is in control of her own body and its reactions.
I get that, now i dont think that moms will go out and buy these devices, but it might just be a good idea.
1I loved the 10 year old girl, being shown diagrams by her mom, sweetest thing ever. funny.
2Yes, my mom and I had great communication. She didn't brought the subject of masturbation up, but I did and instead of being weird about it she was so comfortable and she explained to me that it was healthy, natural, important to know your body and not to feel ashame. And I would definitely talk to my kids about masturbation. I think that the sex talk is as weird as people make it, I never feel weird to talk to my mom about sex, my dad in the other hand just told me that sex was bad and that I should be a virgin until I got married. I never brought that subject to him again. I believe that is very important to be cool about the whole subject and to not be weird about it. That's how I see it.
3Meh, I don't think kids need to be told how to masturbate. Even little kids do it. They discover it all by themselves before they have any concept of sexuality or sex.
I don't think it will be a topic I bring up with my daughter, but if she asks me questions, I will certainly be honest and upfront with her.
4Now boys? touch themselves from age 4 and up, I asked my hubby last night when he started to truly, um, choke the chicken and he said at age 12, with the jc penney catalog...ahhahahaha.
5My mom didn't bring it up but I did ask, and was always told that it was completely natural. I'm pretty sure that masturbation was what prevented me from getting sexually involved w/ boys before college - because none of them knew what they were doing better than me!
6CG, your icon creeps me the eff out.
7well the easter bunny is Hella creepy.
8CG, comment 1 was very well put and insightful
!!!
and jc penny catalog
I never really talked to my mom about masturbation - I only tried a few times when I was younger.
9I do plan on taking the approach CG was talking about in comment 1 when I have kids of my own.
I would buy my kid a book or something, but I would be unsure how to teach when/ where is appropriate or not to touch yourself without making them feel shameful about it.
10http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090326-tows-talking-to-kids-abo...
here is her handbook on how to talk to your kids about sex.
11PS--Right now, I'm only just potty training my daughter, so the sex talk won't be for a while. However, even now, I remind her to wash her hands before and after touching herself and to be gentle so she doesn't irritate any sensitive tissue. Hopefully her good hygeine she learns from learning to use the bathroom will carry on to when she's older and starts to masturbate.
12Hmm...more stuff to think about. Where I work they are all afraid to bring up the sex stuff with their kids who are all going into middle school, I actually brought up the topic of a vagina to one woman's son while I was swimming at her house, when he back talked his mom I replied back 'Don't talk to your mom that way she pushed you through her vagina' He was 8 and didn't know what that was. I was apalled that he didn't know I learned about all the mechanics when I was 5 from my sister and an anatomy book. But learned about sex and everything else from my sister's Cosmo's, never from my parents.
13Bluepuppy, you asid that to an eight year old?
14"I was swimming at her house, when he back talked his mom I replied back 'Don't talk to your mom that way she pushed you through her vagina' He was 8 and didn't know what that was."
Wow that is a really inappropriate thing to say to someone else's child!
As for my own kids, I'll teach them all about their bodies and how things work, and once they are teens, I will be open about birth control and safe sex. I think that masturbation isn't something that needs to be taught by your parents (especially buying a vibrator), but if it ever comes up, I'll let them know it's 100% OK.
15*not a vibrator. a stimular.. HUGE difference.....and yes i said huge and vibrator in the same sentence.
16*stimulator....good lord. stimular? whats that.
17I don't see what the big difference between "vibrator" and "stimulator" are in this context. Neither is better or worse to me, I just don't think that that parents should feel obligated to buy their kids sex toys. If they ask, sure, but to go out and get a "stimulator" for your 14 year old who hasn't asked for one just seems unnecessary. I know that I would have been too weirded out to use it if my mom had gotten me one, even if I was otherwise interested in using a vibrator.
18Chouette, I was just saying that Dr Berman never suggested a vibrator, just making that clear. sorry.
19I'dve been mortified if my mom tried talking to me about any of that stuff. We never even really had a birds and the bees talk - I had great sex ed classes at school. Talk about awkward.
20my mom drew pictures on a dry erase board, gave me books and i felt completely comfortable talking to her about anything.
My parents also forbid dating till 18, which at the time was embarassing but I understand it now.
21My parents never gave me the sex talk, but when I was 6 or so my mom gave me a giant anatomy book. I guess you can say I'm self-taught lol. In the future I'll answer any questions my kids ask and try to have an open discussion with them - in the end I'd rather they come to me with any issues they have, rather than someone else.
22I never got an official 'talk' (and nothing about masturbation), but I know my mom was ready with pamphlets if I ever had questions. I guess I kind of learned on my own, too. So far, so good.
I also had a cartoon anatomy book when I was a kid. It was an innocent book specifically for children and I got in trouble for bringing it to school in first grade!
23To this day I have never discussed masturbation with my mom. I figured it out on my own and I never thought that anything that felt so good could possibly be wrong.
24my mum had the talk with my, without any birds and bees, which i appreciate. she did it as soon as puberty started to kick in. 3 years later i got my period. so she prepared me. now i talk to her about sex openly, sometimes tease her about things she does with dad (i'm very glad they still have sex on regular basis). though i always masturbated somewhere i knew nobody would know i did it. i was somewhat ashamed. and yes, masturbating is very important. my friend didn't do it and she has been having sex for 5 years now and never had an orgasm. i send her links from dearsugar posts on orgasms so she can try stuff... and by the way in search of the big O she slept with a lot of guys. so yeah, i guess telling your kids it's ok is quite important. just explain it's a private thing and nobody needs to know about it.
25OH MY GOD NO.
26We haven't even discussed sex. I had to educate myself. It is quite frankly A MIRACLE I did not end up a teenage parent.
My mom always told us that masturbation was not something you should do alone because it inhibits intimacy with your future spouse. Her logic was something like this: If you know how to "push your own button", as she put it, you don't need your husband to have an enjoyable sexual experience, which could lead to a marriage with no sex. And a marriage with no sex (or just solo sex) is NOT a good marriage. She did always tell us that we were in control of our bodies though, and that we should be VERY careful about who we let near it. My sis and I were both extremely responsible and we both waited until we were married to have sex. As far as masturbation goes, I do it now but only when I don't climax with my husband. Oh, and not ALL men masturbate like crazy, either. My husband told me that he actually never did it growing up because his parents would have killed him.
27my mom never had the sex talk with me..that may sound strange..i don't know anyones mom who didn't, but i turned out fine.
28I don't think that I ever talked about this with my mom. I don't know what it will be like if I have kids. I agree with CG that teaching a boy to masturbate seems irrelevant.
This is quite possibly too much information, but, does anyone remember those pens that you could turn on and it would vibrate a little and make squiggly writing? I remember them well...
29I knew about sex since i was 6. I was well educated and open with my family my whole childhood/teen years... I'm now almost 21 and still a virgin... so to all those moms that fear it will make their kids little wh*res, sometimes i just depends on the kid... I didn't have that personality, I guess.
30we just learned about sex in school, and they did a pretty thorough job. My parents were always open about it.
I've always said that if I have daughters, I'd get them vibrators in their teens so it was nice to see others share the same view.
I hated how Oprah's audience like, freaked out. They strike me a so typically close-minded. It was annoying to watch.
31it was taboo in our house. we weren't supposed to even know about sex until we were married and masturbation was a dirty, disgusting thing. my sis became a mom when she was 17 and it's not that I blame it on my super-strict christian parents, but I wish they would've at least been like, "hey, don't do it, but if you do, wear a condom".
I'm a very liberal person now and I plan on having talks about sex, drugs, and alcohol with my future kids. but everything at its appropriate time, and I guess that just depends on personal judgement.
32btw, I'm 21 and my mom still tries to cover my eyes when we're watching a movie and a passionate scene comes on. lol.
33I never had an actual sex talk - much less about masturbation - with my mom. Even if she had been alive later on in my teens when that stuff really has to come up - she totally would NEVER had said anything about it.
I learned about sex - and masturbation, and everything else - from books. I like to read, so when I started puberty [i.e. got my period] at 11, she bought me books about periods and sex and babies and whatnot. The only thing she actually said about it was, "don't have sex." But then again, I was 11 years old.
I can't imagine trying to talk to my dad about ANY of that now [eeep! creepy]. I'm not even allowed to drink alcohol at my house with the family [I'm 22] - anything about sex is totally out of the question!
34No, my mom never talked about masturbation. She didn't even tell me what sex was. I got that from the internet, friends, and school. She tells me advice about sex, but never went into details about body parts or anything like that. My mom is extremely conservative. I think I would talk to my kids about sex, I'm not sure about masturbation though, they can find that on their own I think. Maybe I'll get them a book or something!
35My mom sorta told me the birds and the bee's deal and about puberty and what not. But it was my god mom who talked to me about sex and masturbation, and I'm thankful for that. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have had safe sex or got on birth control (because the schools only teach abstinent only, so how are you supposed to know if your parents don't say anything and all you hear is don't do it?) Plus, it made me feel normal for having urges and it was good to know that it was okay for women to touch themselves. I don't know how I feel about buying kids "stimulators" but I'm not even close to wanting children right now, so I'd have to decide that years and years from now. Talking is never a bad idea.
36My mom could barely talk to me about my period without getting red. Thank God for sex ed in school and my junior high friends!
37Bluepuppybites, i take it that you do not have any children..
38or TACT, for that matter..
Even if a child is familiar with the word vagina..(as my son has been since he was 3.)
It is completely inappropriate and vulgar to say to an 8 year old CHILD..
"Dont back to your mom, she pushed you out of her vagina"
Was this your way of teaching him manners??!!
You would definately not be invited back to my home!
Noooo!!! never got the masturbation talk at ALL...and what's weird is that my mom and I are so close about EVERYTHING, but masturbation was just something she did NOT bring up.
I don't even remember the birds-and-the-bees talk. Apparently I got it when I was 5 because that's when my brother was born, so I started asking questions and my parents just felt like I was mature enough to handle it. Apparently I wasn't too scarred because it's not seared in my memory forever, lol.
39Everything I learned about sex and masturbation I learned from sex-ed at school.
40le romantique, my parents always talked to me about sex openly. and i was a virgin till i was 20. i think it works like that - to more you talk the less kids want to do it. that talking and knowing all about it actually kept me grounded.
41i never had the sex talk with my parents. my dad would just be waayy too awkward and my mom was always open if i had questions but i still felt uncomfortable. she always joked with me "dont have sex!" but i knew that actually meant, dont have sex until college. but she told me about birth control methods and stuff.
42everything i learned was from magazines, friends, or the internet. i never needed to find answers from my mom. and ill admit i started having sex at a young age, but i was always careful and knew what i wanted
masturbation i just discovered on my own and then read about it. i dont think thats a necessary talk with kids, but if they ask then its fine
43I remember when my brother got the sex talk from my mom. She took him to Applebee's so he couldn't run away from her. From then on its a family joke if my mom wants to take us out to lunch by ourselves.
44I figured it out on my own, which I think most kids do, so all my mom ever told me was that it was natural and healthy.
45No, disturbing.
46Well it's about time. I remember when Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders was run out of town for suggesting that parents speak to their children about masturbation and now it's a love dovey topic to speak about with our children. It's funny how societies evolve.
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