My father is my only living parent, so it's going to be very important for any guy that wants to marry me to talk to him about it. It's not so much about asking for *permission* [I mean, even my dad agrees that I'm the one that's going to be attached to this guy for the rest of my life, it's my choice!] but rather for blessing/well-wishing. I'd want my father, and other family, to at least be comfortable with him in the family.

It's not as important to me personally, but I'd want him to respect my father by communicating with him.

It was important to me that my husband *not* ask any member of my family for my hand in marriage. It isn't their choice to "give" me away or not.

Absolutely. It's something that's very important to me and to my parents. It might seem a little silly, but it's a tradition to ask the bride-to-be's father for permission to marry his daughter, and I think it's a sweet one. I also think it's an indicator of the respect your man has for the people who raised you.

Not to mention that if my dad could ask my grandfather's permission to marry my mom, after lying to my grandparents about their age difference for the first two years they dated (my parents are 6 years apart and started dating when my mom was 15 going on 16), anyone can do it. It's something I fully expect my boyfriend to do. But we're both pretty traditional, so he's on the same page with it.

Oh, and let me add - I agree with margokhal - it's "asking for permission" but of course it's more a blessing/well-wishing type thing.

I am very traditional in this sense, and since my father is deceased, I have often thought about the father roles at a daughter's wedding and how I will reconcile those when someday I do get married. it is important that my future husband speak with my mother, but in more a "may I have your blessing" way, and in general it is important to me that she, my sister and brother approve and would want him to be a part of our family.

I think it would be sweet if he talked to my mom beforehand, but not necessary.

I've had a lot of boyfriends that my father hasn't even met. Though I'd love it if my family loves and respects my future husband, I don't think its absolutely necessary for them to be in on that decision before I hear about it.
I am not super traditional in that sense.

I dont think its necessary although it would be nice if he told them and my sisters first, which I think he would anyways

i think it would be really nice but if he asked me and i found out later he hadn't, i wouldn't be too bothered

Is this the third or fourth time this subject has been posted on DearSugar?

I would appreciate the gesture and I know that my parents would, too. However, it's not a deal-breaker if he didn't.

I think it's important, but I can understand that not everyone agrees. It depends on how close you are to your father.

I think it's a very nice tradition and it just shows that your future fiance is trying to be courteous and respectful towards the dad and the girlfriend. I think it's a very sweet tradition and although it might seem old-fashioned, it still means a lot.

While I strongly value my parents' opinion of any SO, I do NOT want the guy asking my dad first. He's marrying ME, not my dad, so he needs to ask ME first. Then, after I've said yes, we can go to my parents together and get their approval. I completely understand why women would want a parent asked first though; I used to.

rocketgirl, I was going to say exactly the same thing.

I'd like him to get MY permission first, then we can INFORM our parents and ask for their blessing. I understand that it's tradition and all, but I think it's dated...if I'm going to be proposed to, I'd really like to be the first to know.

I think it would be nice if he asked my Dad, but like already had the ring and showed him and talked to him about our future and all that. I'm sure my Dad would be like "yeah whatever, I don't care" but it would still be sweet.

But it's not really a dealbreaker for me if he doesn't talk to my parents about it, and I am sure it wouldn't hurt their feelings or anything if he doesn't ask. Plus, I see it being very hard for my Mom to keep a secret that big!

Asking is important. My husband had intended of asking for my hand and it is something we had talked about. So when he proposed I said yes thinking it was already done. Shortly after I asked when he asked my dad and he told me he didn't. I asked him to get on the phone with my dad at that moment to ask. We haven't lied to my dad about the order that things happened, but we don't know if he knows how it really went down.

Yes. I don't really see it as asking permission as much as showing respect for your family. I come from a Southern semi-traditional upbringing, so that kind of courtesy means a lot to my family.

My fiance talked to my father before proposing to me, and my dad loved him for it. (Dad also wisely kept it a secret from my mother, so I could be the one to tell her after the proposal happened). It was the perfect scenario as my dad was honored, and I still got to break the news to other family members.

Not needed at all...

I can't imagine this for my sister as my parents hate her fiance...ha.

First of all, I grew up in a *very* feminist household. My dad & mom both always told me that I could do anything a boy could do and encouraged my independence.

When it came time, my DH asked my dad. My dad's reply was, "That's not my decision to make, you have to ask her."

Originally, I thought "yes", but now that marriage is looking more likely for my boyfriend and I, the idea just doesn't make sense to me. We are both over 30 and while I love and respect my parents, I don't see why he shouldn't just propose and I accept.

My parents (well, mostly my mom) didn't treat my husband all that well when we were first dating, so he didn’t feel the need to ask them anything – he TOLD them. I had no idea, but I found out later that he sat them down and said, essentially, “I know you don’t think much of me but I love your daughter and she inspires me to be better, so engagement is on the horizon, get used to it.” It took them a while, but they did.

In a different situation (different guy, different relationship with my parents) I might not have minded if he’d asked, but it wasn’t anything I would have demanded. I like the way things went just fine; I think it fits us.

I would rather he didn't ask my dad for permission - who is my dad to determine my future happiness with a man?

If some guy ever decide to ask my parents for permission, it'll show he doesn't know me well enough to even date me! And my dad would probably burst out laughing and tell that story at every social gathering!

We're not very traditional in the family.

Ew, I'd be SO turned off if someone asked my father for permission. I agree with Advah, it would show that my sweetheart really didn't know me all that well.

I think my dad would really appreciate this as would I, but I'm like Dear and am old-fashioned.

Not necessary.

My husband asked my dad for permission to marry me. I think its very important and shows respect for my family, especially my father. Its a way to show that my husband has respect for ME and my family.

it would be a dealbreaker if he DID ask my dad first (although, like evildorkgirl, my dad might not cooperate with such a request anyway!)
i would be offended that (in a way) a decision was made about our relationship with my father instead of me! the decision to get married has to be about us first and foremost - and then of course we would want to share our excitement with our loved ones.
plus, while i love my dad, i don't consider him any more or less important than my other immediate family, so it's not like he has any particular say over me that they don't. someone may just as well ask my little sister for my hand in marriage!

Since neither of my parents hold the traditional parental role in my life, I don't really care if they're asked. For me, it's not about being traditional or not. My parents aren't the people I see as parents and I don't want my Grandparents asked.

Makes no sense really, I'll run it by them, but it's not the rest of their life. Sorry, I don't really see how it's necessary. So if they say no, you're going break up and move on to the next person until someone's parents say yes? I think not!

Anyway, if you get along with their parents and they know about your relationship/intentions, I don't think it should be a problem whether or not you do.

I am fairly traditional and conservative, but this was MY choice, not my (wonderful) Daddy's. My hubby had broached the topic once, when friends got engaged, and I told him in all honesty my dad's response would most likely be, "Why are you asking me? What did she (me) say?"

i don't really see it as asking my dad for permission, but it's more of informing him out of respect. my parent's love my boyfriend, and we've talked about marriage, and i've told him that i want him to talk to my parents first before asking me to marry him. i know he'll tell his parents before he asks me as well. i just want to make sure all parties involved are ok. you marry into one's family after all.

absolutely not! I'd be mad if my bf DID ask permission, although I know he wouldn't b/c we've been discussing marriage. I informed my parents years ago that, since it was MY decision who I chose to marry, they would not be approached beforehand.

We plan to go to them together AFTER we're official and ask their blessing on our marriage. But they know it's coming, and they think he's wonderful. (And we're also older and don't expect any help with wedding expenses and such.)

It would be interesting to see if this question is somewhat age-dependent. When I was younger, in college and still getting tons of help and life advice from my parents I would have said yes, I want him to talk to them just because I thought it would be sweet and romantic and old fashioned.

Now that I'm in my late 20's, have worked to be independent, have a successful career, own my own house and am fully confident in my independence and life I think it would be silly if he asked my parents.

It matters.. because I DON'T want him to ask. That takes the fun out of the engagement announcement! Plus, it would just be awkward I think.

Ask me, not my mother! I do not intend to marry but if I did I it would be decision entirely. I also wouldn't be given away or take my husband's name. I am very non-traditional in my views of marriage. Again, it all will probably be moot as I do not want to get married now.

Old school bengali parents don't have this issue; most guys have to approach the parents and the parents decide if they like the guy before the guy can even approach the girl.

I hope one day I can surprise my parents by finding a guy on my own.

sigh.

I wouldn't want him too, or at least not my father anyway, his opinion has never mattered to me, it won't about marriage either.

I sort of go back and forth with this. On the one hand, I really don't need my father's permission to marry anyone, because I am an adult.

But, what about in a situation where the father is expected to pay for the wedding? Is that reason enough for the groom to ask permission?

I'm super close to my dad, but this dad asking before proposal and dad giving away as we walk down the isle reeks to me of those father-daughter virginity pledges that are getting so popular currently. My dad doesn't own my sexuality. So many traditions come from really ugly ways of thinking that we've turned into prettier thoughts like respect. That bugs me, but I'm no fun.

EvilDorkGirl: "When it came time, my DH asked my dad. My dad's reply was, "That's not my decision to make, you have to ask her."". Hahaha, that's funny.

sprinkibrio: "So many traditions come from really ugly ways of thinking that we've turned into prettier thoughts like respect. That bugs me, but I'm no fun." I totally agree too. Those come from the fact that a daughter was pretty much owned by the male in the family, and could pretty much be bought and sold...ummm, no thanks. I don't think traditions should be followed just b/c they are traditions, that's stupid. Think about why the tradition exist then decided whether to carry on with it or not. In this case....NOT.

It's very very important to me that my bf asks ME first. I'm the one getting married, I'm the one he loves, I'm the one he's going to spend the rest of his life with. Then we can go to the parents for blessing etc. I don't want anybody to know it's coming before me, I want it to be our (my bf and I) special moment that we can then share with everybody else.

telewyo: "It would be interesting to see if this question is somewhat age-dependent."

It would be very interesting. But I think it might be the opposite of what you say your opinions were and why they changed. B/c I'm only 20 right now, but ever since I've even thought of marriage, I thought the same things I said in my first post up there ^. So it doesn't really have to do with being independent for me, it's b/c of totally different reasons.

My husband asked me first, and then I suggested he run it by my parents. I didn't care whether or not he asked my dad for permission first - it is *my* life, after all. But I figured it would be an act of consideration and respect for my husband to at least let them know his intention to marry me.

I don't have any real emotional connection with my family. In fact, I avoid most of them the best I can.

My husband knows this and didn't ask anyone for permission. In fact, we didn't invite my family to my wedding.

Even without my personal situation, I would be very offended and shocked if the person I was dating went to ask my father for his permission. The mindset and ideals that go along with that tradition horrify me (just like the father "giving away" the bride in the wedding).

I don't know if it's tradition in the Chinese culture to ask for the woman's hand in marriage and I personally wouldn't be miffed if my fiance didn't ask my dad for his blessing first. But if he did do that, I would think it was a sweet gesture.

I wouldn't care if he did or didn't

We just had this conversation last night! I don't really care, but I know it's more important to my boyfriend to do it, because he's more traditional. My parents live halfway across the country, and they'd be my first call (which I'm sure they know). But he wants to at least let them know beforehand. Not really permission so much as heads up, I suppose. I'm sure it would also mean a lot to my parents.

Gee, this one should've been a poll!