So, if I'm understanding this correctly, you're upset, not because you don't approve of her choice, but because it was a bad experience for her and her then-bf wasn't there for her?
And for this reason, you are considering breaking up with her?

Actually, you are saying "I want to share everything with her, except for the things that I don't want to know" and "I feel bad her then-bf didn't support her, but I don't want to be the guy who helps her deal with this stuff either".

So who do you want to be Danny? The guy who deals with the fact that his gf had unfortunate experience in life (but trusts him enough to tell him about it) and who has her back, or the guy who runs away?

Up to you.

Yea I agree with Ster. You're punishing her for having to go through one of the hardest times in her life with someone who didnt want to help her? I'm confused because in the first part of your question you seem like you are upset because of the choice she made but in the second part you explain that it's because she went through it with someone else?? I'm sorry, would you prefer that she had a CHILD with someone else and save the abortion for you?

Women are constantly presented with choices that have to be made due to mistakes that they've made or have allowed to be made. She made the mistake of getting pregnant and her choice was to have it or not to. I highly doubt part of her thinking process was "How will this effect guys I date in the future?" so I think you're being incredibly selfish and I hope you can see that.

What you should be doing now, instead of contemplating breaking up with her, is supporting her, telling her that she will never have to go through such a horrible experience alone. That you will be there for her and support her regardless of the situation. But really.... I hope she sees right through you and dumps your ass before you get a chance. You've shown your true, insecure, selfish, immature and pathetic colours to us and I hope she sees it and recognizes it for what is it. You are no different then the guy who knocked her up and then left her.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Hmmm, couldn't have said it better than Ster.

I don't really see what the problem is.
-Your gf had an abortion in a past relationship, you are pro choice and support/agree with her decision.
-You guys are open and totally honest with each other. She obviously trusts you a WHOLE LOT to be able to tell you something like this.
-Like Ster said, now you're saying that it hurts you SO much that her bf then didn't support her...but you don't even want to KNOW about her experience...much less support her and help her through it.????

I think there is something else going on here. And I think you said it yourself: "but I just can't bear to think of her going through such a traumatic experience WITH ANOTHER MAN." I think the real reason you have a problem with this situation is b/c it hurts you to think of her being pregnant (even though she had the abortion), and going through such a life changing experience with another man. I think it's just old fashioned jealousy of what the other guy had...even if the other guy didn't want what he had.
I dunno, maybe that isn't what it is, but otherwise, the post doesn't really make any sense to me.

Yeah I agree with Fallen too. You complain about being upset about what her ex did to her...yet you want to do the same exact thing. WTF???

this might be harsh. but it's not about you, it's about her. also, your reason for disliking it makes no sense. This is something she struggled with, so you want her to share everything except those big burdens?
The word 'I' is used a lot in this question. Get over the fact that you find it difficult to bear- how do you think she feels? Don't make her have to take care of you, too. Decide if you're ready to man up and be less self-centered- relationships are arduous journeys taken TOGETHER. hardships occur together and are dealt with TOGETHER, and are not considered 'burdens placed on MY lap'.

I agree totally with the previous comments. I can understand that this is quite a shock for you. However, though you understand what a traumatic experience that must have been for her, you're worried about how YOU should put this behind you??

I say you be a good boyfriend and give her the support, love and comfort that she didn't get from the other guy. You BOTH need to put this past you, and you can help her do that. I also think it will help YOU deal with it once you help her, hear her out, listen to what she went through and help her process it.

Agree with all of the above. I am going to be a bit more harsh though and say you sound like a selfish *sshole and incredibly insincere.

It is almost like you wrote this post knowing it would be read by women, and you didn't want to be judged for your immaturity, so you throw in the bit about "being upset she had to go through this alone", blah blah,blah.

Sorry, but everyone here read right through that bullsh*t sensitive guy routine. You are judging her and thinking only about yourself. What happens when something else occurs in her life that is unpleasant, are you going to bail then too?

I think it is sh*tty that talk about not keeping secrets from each other, but when she is honest, you can't handle it.

Be honest with yourself even if you are not honest with us...figure out why this REALLY bothers you, and if you love her, get counseling. If you can't "get past it", let her go find someone who will love her for herself. You will then be free to find a flawless woman without a past.

Good luck on that one, buddy.

So, if you had a vasectomy before you guys met...and you told her, and you went through it with you ex instead of her and she didn't like it...How'd you feel?

I know it isn't quite the same, but...I think you're being dumb.

I agree with everyone who thinks there's more going on here... I think that maybe you support abortion, except when it's done by people close to you. Are you judging her character based on the abortion decision... perhaps because she was sleeping with someone who wasn't good to her and got pregnant? Are you worried that she tried to get pregnant to save the relationship, or do you blame her for getting pregnant by accident? Maybe you're scared she can't get pregnant now, and you want kids in the future? The way I see it, you personally have nothing to deal with... the abortion is done and you weren't in the picture. There is no burden resting in your lap. Get over yourself.

I agree -- you're being difficult. You have a hard time accepting her past decision (by the way, which had nothing to do with you. You were not in her life back then). You're attaching something negative to it, and letting it ruin your current "amazing" relationship. Why are you doing that? Besides, she can't undo what she did. Again, it had nothing to do with you. Why are you so upset? Be rational, and let it go.

By the way, I knew a guy that behaved the way you did. He had a terrific girlfriend, and completely alienated her because of something she did in her past (when she was teenager). They ended up breaking-up, and it truly was truly his loss. (Incidentally, she ended up marrying a surgeon, who quickly pursued her when that idiot dumped her. Her now husband knew what a prize she was, and they're enjoying a happy marriage).

Wow, sounds like most everyone has responded as I would have, although I'm adding a little perspective for you there, Devastated Danny.... so Dan, ask yourself what you're really upset about. What I read in between the lines is that you're upset that your gf wasn't loved enough by someone else and that somehow makes her inadequate. What I read is that you're trying to accept that she had a tough time with something and YOU weren't there. I read that you're upset enough to break up with her because she had something bad happen in her life... how illogical is that? If she's your partner, you love her, then you'll love her even more for being strong enough to endure some jerk kicking her *ss that way and then still loving you. This is so not about your girlfriend and her issue... this is all you you you you... wow. If you're having a tough time dealing with someone else not loving her, what does that say about you? Instead of just 'getting over yourself' as everyone else suggests, I'd also suggest really listening to how hard that was for your gf not only to endure, but to tell you about it.
Seek therapy Dan. Your issue isn't with her, it's with your own self-image. I wish you both the best and hope you can resolve this for yourself before she kicks you to the curb.

Ster pretty much nailed this one.

I'd also like to say: oh my god. Get over yourself.

I agree with everyone. Ster said it perfectly. I'd like to add, though, that if she told you this then she must think a lot of you.. and this is your chance to be there for her and not make her suffer because of this horrible experience again!

I can understand how this would offend you. She made two poor choices: the choice of dating her ex which reflects poorly on you as a following boyfriend and the "accident" which could reflect poorly on her. She broke you're vision that she is the perfect girl, and if it were another girl it would be something else. No one is perfect so GET OVER IT.

Christ! I agree with what everyone here has said and again: Get the @#$% over yourself!

Just wanted to add that jazzytummy is right. All of her post is pretty much what my "wtf" meant.

I've always heard that if you have nothing nice to say, you should say nothing. I'm pro-choice, so don't take it like that. I just think that this is a strange guy because he can't take that this woman had a life bgefore him. Since that's putting it nice, I'm going to shut my mouth now.

so are you going to be guy #2 that doesn't support her, is that the role you see for yourself?

she's a whole person, with a past that includes a love life, heart break, successes, failures, good, bad, etc. if you aren't going to get past this, let her know and let her know why. let her see that despite your stating that you are pro-choice, you still judge. make sure she knows this so that when you see what you are missing out on in a few months, she knows better than to take your ass back and she can move on to a real, grown up man, who can deal with reality.

I agree with Ster and all of the above posts. It is about an experience that happened to her, why are you making it about you? Get over yourself, already. Geez!

If I understand you right, I went through a similar thing with one of my friends. She told me that her mom had verbally abused her as a child, and I couldn't stand the thought of it. It ripped me up inside until I finally realized that while I couldn't change her past, I could help her future. I couldn't be there for her then, but now I can hold her while she cries and help her work through it. So while I couldn't help her then, I can help her heal now. Just be there to support her and realize that she has you now, someone who will support her and love her in the way that she deserves. She has to let it go, and you do, too.

You sound like one of those people who listens to someone else's problem and then has to come up with something worse to top it. This situation is not about you at all. Like everyone else has said, get over yourself and support your girlfriend.

Sooo you're upset because the first guy wasn't there for her and didn't support her..yada yada yada bullsh!t.
And you know what makes it bs? The fact that you're doing exactly the same thing to her. You're not supporting the fact that it happened. You're not holding her hand when she's reaching out to you for someone to lean on. You're not there for her because you can't see past your own bigoted judgments. Because even though you say you have no issue with it...something in this post isn't right. And it might not necessarily be the abortion per say, but it's something. Regardless though, the past is the past. She did it. She had a crappy boyfriend. Don't be the next crappy boyfriend for her. Get over it.

Devastated Danny, please do realize, this choice probably affects her *a lot* more than it does you. She's the one that has to live with her choice completely. She had a life growing inside her, and she decided to terminate. Whether or not she thinks it's a big deal, it's something she will never ever forget. Maybe it will haunt her, and maybe it won't. But just like any other issue, you have to move on, if there's nothing else except your inability to accept the past, is in the way, then just move on, and never ever bring it up again. It will only hurt things. If you can't do that, then end it. It won't help her get through it any better, and it won't help you thinking about it constantly. It's just like any other major problem, drinking, or cheating, or whatever. The more you bring it up, the more it haunts you, and the more you'll never be able to move beyond it. Remove whatever negative influences regarding the situation, and just move on with your lives.

I agree with above posts. You sound like a self-centered jerk. I hope this girl sees right through your so-called "mr.sensitive" BS and dumps you.

I'm sorry buy if you love her as much as you say you do, this shouldnt be that big of an issue to you. Sure yes its a big issue to a lot of people, but if i found out someone i loved had an abortion i wouldnt be like this, and i dont think its very fair that you are being like this either. She has been keeping this and its probably been eating at her keeping it from you , so when she finally tells you, you act like this. Oh my god have you considered her situation at the time? her point of view? how it would have impacted her/ you life now? geeze it would be nice if you were maybe I dont know supportive of her instead of critical. Im sorry but god, get some compassion for the ones you love man.

oh i sorry i forgot to add this to how you can put it behind you and not let it ruin your "otherwise amazine relationship" -> suck it up princess, BE THERE FOR HER its about HER afterall not YOU

Maybe you're PRO-LIFE and you keep saying you're pro-choice to be politically correct??

If she having an abortion makes you see her in a different light and now you don't wanna deal with damage goods...let her go.

She'll find somebody that loves her and her past the way she needs to be loved. If you can't deal with somebody else's mistake. Don't. Don't make her miserable by acting like you 'should'. Maybe you'll regret it later but what's the point if you can't be there for her 100%.

No woman should be attached to anyone that is not with them (past, present, future) 100%.

Some people can deal with situations like these better than others. Yes, a bit selfish but what can you do?

In your post, you ask the question: Is this something she should have kept to herself? And the answer is: she trusted you enough to tell you this information and now you are judging her for it and only truly caring about how it makes you feel. So yes, maybe she should have kept it to herself only for the reason that you obviously are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle it. I honestly hope that she finds someone other than you, someone who will never judge her for her past and will accept and love her for exactly the way she is, past mistakes and all. Because that is what love is really about. Being mad at her because some other guy treated her badly is seriously one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Yes, it is sad that she had to go through that alone, but why would that make you angry at her?
I think that basically, you are most likely against abortion and you are judging her for her past behaviours because of this.
I understand that you may feel shocked that she has gone through this, however that does not give you the right to judge her. Nobody is perfect, and until you live in someone else's shoes, you can never truly understand what a difficult decision that is for a woman. Now, let me ask you this: would you still have wanted to date her if she had a young baby/child when you met her, or would you have considered that baggage and not wanted to date her because of it? Because either way, Dan, no matter what actions she took, you seem bound and determined to judge her. Honestly, you need to find a way to get over this, QUICK if you intend on staying with her. Good luck

Wow. So you're being a self-concessed unsupportive, jealous boyfriend who still thinks highly of himself, because her ex-bf was unsupportive? And you even think that by trusting you enough to share something as personal and traumatic as an abortion, she is "dropping her burden onto your lap"?!

I don't know what to say apart from you're a complete jerk. I really hope she figures it out quickly because it sounds like she deserves much better than you.

Sorry if this is not a productive comment, but you should be able to read what you've written and realise by yourself everything that's wrong with what you said.

Get over it.

Does she think it was so tramatic or do you?? It was in the past move on.

You're upset because her ex wasn't there to support her? I think you should be happy she did what she felt was the right thing. She couldn't raise a child with a man that wasn't going to be there and didn't want to bring that burden onto a new relationship. She trusts you enough and sees a future with you to tell you this. It's not like she's lifting a burden off herself - she has to live with this forever and to know that she chose to end a life.

I think you're just being self-centered and the whole part about her ex not being there for her is just a sorry excuse. Be the bigger person and YOU be there for her instead of blaming the jerk and getting upset at her for what she did was best for her. Isn't it better that she came into this relationship without a child? The child here seems to be you!

If ya don't wanna know this stuff, don't agree not to have any secrets. If that's the deal and she tells you, stop being a jerk and accept it. Agree with just about everyone.

I don't think your reaction is fair reward for the trust she's shown in you by telling you something so personal.

Even by telling you her story, she must have had to stir up difficult memories, and you react by judging her, for whatever reason.

I agree with the other posters - you are essentially adding to her emotional difficulty with the topic by withdrawing from her emotionally.

Totally uncool, Dan.

You haven't a clue what being a loving, supportive partner entails..
I suggest you end this farce of a relationship and take some
much needed time to GROW-UP!
I truly have never heard such nonsense..
Poor girl.

What it really sounds like to me is that you are self-centered and can't stand that anything could ever have happened to her that was more significant than meeting you.

Life. Happens.

If you love her, you need to accept that every life experience she has had has built who she is. She is the person you know and love today because of every experience she has had, and that includes things that were more defining and important to her personal history than things that have already happened with you.

Dump her, now. It sounds like she doesn't get that she can do way better than you.

well you're either trying to get out of the relationship, insanely emotionally immature or you're an a**hole. Take your pick

wait... you want her to be honest with you, but when she does, you wish she didnt tell you? cant have it both ways, buddy.

Wow, good job being just like her douche bag ex who didn't support her.

I have actually gone through this exact situation recently. It's amazing how similar this is. My ex actually told me on our 3rd date that she had this. I have been raised in church my whole life and I'm very much pro-life. I had to break up with my ex because I was having some issues with this because I didn't know if I could handle the baggage this could carry and because I was having some judgmental issues that, out of respect, she didn't need to deal with. In a way I regret this decision, I think I should of at least given this more thought and prayer before I made what I think was a rash decision. Learn from my mistakes. I don't care what anyone says here, the consequences of abortion are real and affect not just yourself but the person you love and marry. Taking a human life is among the most psychologically tramatic things a person can do to themselves. I don't care what anyone says, you are a good man for admitting the problem here. First, she was probably afraid to tell you this at the beginning because she thought you would reject her. That fear of rejection is probably what caused her to have the abortion in the first place. She should expect some rash feelings on this because the sanctity of life is a divisive issue and goes to the heart of our morality in society. My advice to you is do not make rash decisions given what you have just learned. Do everything you can to salvage the relationship. EVERYTHING!. Even if you have to have separation for a time period to work out the issues between you and God, do it. Rid yourself of the doubts that are going through your mind causing fear and the "fight or flight" mechanism to trigger. Perhaps this will open your eyes and mind to the issue of abortion that haunts our society today and you can be part of the voices of change in our society on this issue. Email me at jbarrett81@ymail.com, I really want to talk this out with you bro. Peace and love be to you.

godsend221, he said he's pro-CHOICE not pro-life and that he doesn't have a problem with abortions.

Jesi_oh, He say's that he's having a hard time accepting this part of her past. Honestly, I think he's saying he's pro-choice as long as it's someone else's girlfriend. Perhaps he's never given this issue a lot of thought and doesn't know where he truly stands on this and now has to confront his deepest feelings on this subject.

I am not confused at all with his comments, but I think he needs to dig deeper into the "REAL" problem and not add to her pain. He obviously does not know that not only did her past bf hurt her + her abortion decision hurt = one hurt lady. My thougths are if you can't subtract to the hurt, don't add to it. Being Pro-Life or Pro-Choice doesn't have anything to do with. If you love her today, then it's automatic or should be automatic that you love her for what made her the lady she is today...the good and the bad. Remember love is what love does. What you are doing is not love, unless you are going to leave her and end her hurt and wondering. Women are perceptive, we know what's going on, even with what you don't say. Don't underestimate her, she may leave you because she has learned from her past.

Sugafine, She should of told him all this way before you started dating her because this is going to be apart of her life for the rest of her life and if they get married, it's going to be part of both of their lives. By hiding it she blinded his eyes and led him to a place where he thought everything was cool with her and then drops this on him when he's most secure in the relationship. Sugafine, no one loves perfectly. You love someone the best way you can and you grow in whatever shortcomings are there. He's struggling to accept this because abortion is a difficult thing to cope with. His heart is full fear. Like I said before, he said he's not against abortion. If that's true than he shouldn't have a problem. The fact is he's against it and I think that's pretty plain here. He's got to re-examine himself and ask him if he's ready for this relationship. As you said, "love is as love does". If he's committed to her enough he'll stay with her. He does need to be honest with himself and honest with God. I've been in relatively the same situation. I regret the decision to break it off as abruptly as I did. My GF let me know right off the bat and I got scared and had to examine my judgemental thoughts. I decided that I loved her enough to work through it and commit to her and I did that for about a year and a half. I had some inner problems later in the relationship and had to break it off cause I didn't know if I could handle being with someone who had an abortion. I know that's wrong and stupid but as I said, I had inner self problems and had to deal with them because it wasn't right for me to be in the relationship like that and she deserves someone who isn't going to have this problem ever. Anyways, there's wrong on both sides here and they both need to consider that. There are consequences to our actions. Whether we like it or not murder is an act not too many people can accept. He will have to choose to accept her for whatever her past is. This is the mistake I made and I don't want people to make the same mistake I made.

godsend221, Let me begin by saying Happy Easter and this day is about our Redeemer. Redeemer comes from the word redemption and vice versa, which we could funnel down to forgiveness. I think when we all come off of our pedastals we are as guilty or more guilty as others. If you are a believer then you know that sin is sin, there is no level.
So murder or lying, it is classified as the same in God's eyes. But we live in a free society and it is important that we live and let live. If he can't deal with it, cool, just don't add to her pain.
However, I strongly disagree with you about having word vomit when she just initially met him. On a first date, I think it is highly tacky and unnecessary to spill your guts. What I have found is that love allows you to be honest. I believe her love for him allowed her to free herself and share with him. In her defense, how did she know that he was the one. Furthermore, if this is not the woman he is not going to marry...he shouldn't be taking hisself through the drama. We all have baggage, some more than others, but we have to practice true forgiveness.
I like what you said about your inner feelings and your relationship ending, that is why you attempt to get with people that are equally yoked in marriage and in dating. At the end of the day, is about responsibility. Good read by the way.

Sugafine, I agree with you the first date probably wouldn't of been a good idea. In my situation it was the 3rd date, 2 days after the first date. Yea.....we went way too fast. Anyways, I think she should of told him much sooner than she did. Probably when they were developing their friendship. He would of been able to deal with his issues then and not have all the ties and pressures of the moment to deal with. I agree with your assessment of sin. Revelation 21 says liars, sexually immoral, murders will be thrown in the lake of fire. No question about it, God deals with sin all the same in the end. Mercy is what's required here. If she has asked for forgiveness from God and received it then she's good. No one can out forgive him. Yes we all have baggage, no doubt I have plenty. I just think mercy needs to be extended on both ends if they truly love each other. Abortion is a controversial issue and if they don't know God then true love is not there. Even those who follow Christ have problems loving perfectly because this is a continually growing process. I don't know if you have any kind of personal experience with this but I do. What amazes me is that he didn't see that something was wrong here. It can take years for the emotional issues of abortion to be delt with and that's if the person is trying. Most people just hide their pain. He needs to diffuse this situation by honesty and showing that he still loves her but has some issues he needs to work out and she needs to give him at least some time to do that. She has to recognize there are consequences for her sins just as we all have them. Some sins are more acceptable than others. I know that's not Godly but it's a reality for most people. Anyways, that's the solution I think is needed for this situation. Mercy on both sides.