I sympathize with you and your ill friend. It's really hard to have chronic pain issues. People just don't understand unless they've had the problem themselves. They start to think you're making it up, just whining, or trying to get attention. Even though the pain hasn't lessened or gotten any easier to deal with.

But on the other side, it's very uncomfortable to keep listening to your ill friend when you can't help her solve the problem because it's beyond your control (unless you happen to be a doctor with that specialty!).

Maybe try something along the lines of, "Hey, I know you're having a lot of rough health issues right now, and I'm there for you. However, some people are kinda uncomfortable talking about medical stuff in public/over food. If you need to talk, let's do it on the phone later or something."

I also have a good friend with IBS and she's the same way. It is SO annoying.

The thing is, IBS has strong ties to anxiety, and people who are always upset/complaining/seeking attention and validation often suffer from both. It's cyclical, it's part medical, part mental and part personality.

I deal with my friend two ways. First, I limit the amount of time I spend with her. If it's an event where I really want to have a good time or relax, or where I must arrive on time, I simply don't invite her.

When she does chime in about digestive issues, I sorta-jokingly say "Okay thanks! Now I'm not hungry." or "Okaaay, I hope you don't talk like that on dates!"

i also have a good friend with IBS and she's similar only she doesn't complain too too much, she just ends up ruining plans cuz she's always feeling sick...no matter how excited we get for a night out and how well planned it is, she'll get a sore stomach and whine quietly and lay on the floor and it's so brutal cuz she sucks the run out of stuff

sucks the FUN out of stuff, not the run. that was not a pun intended!

Okay as a chick who has IBS I would just like to say that first of all, it's not chronic pain it's just annoying. It's not like she has cancer or something, she has a messed up stomach! It's not going to KILL her for god's sake. She's just looking for attention.

I would compeltely ignore her when she talks like that or act openly disgusted. "Oh I cant eat that because I'll poo" and you be like "Ew thats disgusting, how about we dont talk like that in public?!" then move on. I'm sorry but a chick like this deserves a little embarrassment. You cant coddle your "sensitive" friends, they need a slap of reality. She's being socially inappropriate and someone needs to stop feeling bad for her and put her in her place!

Fallen--it depends what kind of IBS you have. My sister has it, and it's constant pain for her. She can't eat or sleep some days. Although, she hardly complains about it at all unless I ask her how she's doing. Luckily, she's finally found a doctor familiar enough with IBS to find some meds that are starting to work.

Here's an interesting article on IBS and anxiety:

http://www.webmd.com/ibs/guide/stress-anxiety-ibs

I was the one who submitted this question, thanks for the great responses!

One or two things:

Her IBS is not debilitating, as far as I know. It's more of a 'pesky' side issue than anything else. It DEFINITELY has a connection with her anxiety levels, as I know that it gets particularly bad when she is highly stressed. Other than that, it is basically triggered by certain foods (wheat, etc) and she pretty much suffers from the same 'level' of IBS that millions of other people do.

The problem is this, it's almost as if she REVELS in the fact that she has this condition. Like luisamapacha said, it seems like she likes the attention to be on her, or for people to feel sorry for her, or even to OUT DO other people. Today at lunch she actually started talking about having gastrointestinitis - now why is that necessary!

I had a party a couple of weeks back, she arrived and the first thing that came out of her mouth was the fact that she had a stomach ache. THEN, as it got worse during the evening - she ended up sitting on a chair, clutching her stomach and moaning about it. I tried to make her feel comfortable, offered her some pain killers and so on - but obviously nothing would help. If I'M feeling unwell at a social function, I make my excuses and leave - or don't go at all!

I can be sympathetic to a point, but then the b*tchiness wants to take over and I really want to say something to her. Yeah so basically, I'm totally feeling what Fallen said, as well as the other tough love responses. I might have to say something the next time this comes up, I just have to get my wording right or I might insult the sh*t out of her (pun intended).

Ahh, my friend did the SAME thing two weeks ago. We waited 2 hours for her to be ready to go shopping and out to eat, then she ended up laying on the floor, clutching her stomach and whispering "I don't want to go anymore." So I was like "Okay, let's go", and then suddenly she wanted us to wait for her again.

I believe their stomachs hurt, but I also believe it's deeply rooted in anxiety and a ploy for attention/concern.

Giving them attention only feeds the behavior, so maybe you should just ignore her from now on. Act like you don't hear her.

I don't know about the IBS, but I know a little something about talking too much... it's the anxiety/attention! I'm a talker by nature. I was an early adapter to conversation as a cute little kid, but was overweight and confused by 3rd grade. I realized I had a weight problem but I didn't know what to do about it, and I think I turned to others for acceptance through conversation since I was already really good at it. I could talk about anything and everything and often did, and by high school I couldn't figure out why nobody wanted to talk to me anymore. When I sensed they weren't interested in what I was saying I'd talk more. I'd always thought that people would chime in when they had something to say, and that would be our conversation... I didn't realize how incredibly annoying I was being, by controlling the conversation and complaining about anything and everything when I ran out of something to say. It is nearly impossible to figure it out on your own, and luckily I had a friend who let me know that I was going about things the wrong way. It's possible to change, but it takes effort.

You definitely need to be honest with her. You shouldn't necessarily be mean about it, but follow through and steer the conversation away from her when she brings up gross stuff. If you're rude, she's going to dismiss anything you tell her. Tell her in private that you like her and want her to know that her inappropriate outbursts are causing strain in your friendships. Say it's embarrassing, and makes you uncomfortable. She needs to realize that friends aren't there merely for you to complain to, and that she's taking advantage of your sympathy. Maybe you can set an example for her of a good conversation between people, and she'll start to get it. Or you'll just have to start complaining about how sick you feel while she talks about her bowel movements. Maybe you can out-complain her! Good luck!

Sundaygreen, your friend is a manipulator and I'm sorry, you are enabling this toxic behavior.

Clutching her stomach and moaning at a party, when the attention isn't on her? This chick has serious psychological issues...what a neurotic.

I would personally take her aside and tell her you have had it with her antics.... so the f*ck what if she is "sensitive"? She gets alot of attention for being "sensitive", right? Mucho secondary gain there.

I disagree with notinthemood...I think it is time to be rude. Tell her you have had it, and if she continues, you're sorry, but you can't be in social situations with her anymore. If she refuses to get help and/or try to change her behavior, dump her.

I agree with jazzytummy about the enabling and about needing to stop being so careful around her. Stop coddling her, she is an adult who makes inappropriate comments. She needs a hard dose of reality.

If you know her well enough to hang out with her all the time, you probably know her well enough to show that she's getting a little annoying. If she were my friend I would probably say, "Do you need to go home and rest?" If she says no, then I'll say, "Okay, then try to cheer up, or else you'll make us all depressed."

The more she whines, the more I will emphasize on the fact that maybe she should go home to rest. Friends should be able to be honest with each other to some degree, even if you do have to say it nicely, you should still try to get the point across.

Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.

Sundaygreen--Yeah, okay, after reading your added details, this girl deserves zero sympathy.

I thought you said she was one of your best friends and that you wanted to keep her around? The question was how to do it nicely, wasn't it? You can't pretend there's no problem for years, then one day blow up about it... the way I see it, you've both fallen into a pattern of complaining/listening. She needs to know why you're not hanging out with her anymore, because obviously she isn't going to pick up on hints and thinks it's okay to complain about stuff. You need to tell her what's up, and that she's not any fun to be around when all she does is complain. Maybe she thinks that you enjoy her "hilarious" bowel movement stories? She probably won't understand why you're all the sudden upset about it now, since you've put up with it for so long. When she does stuff for attention, try what annbaby said and suggest ONE TIME to her that she either go home or cheer up because she's dragging everyone down. THEN ignore her. Make sure you leave an action/reaction pattern behind, so when she thinks about it later she can put it together... 'Oh, so when I talk about my bowel movements, it grosses my friends out...' instead of, "Everyone really liked that story about my upset stomach because they laughed.' You don't have to put up with it, but it's only fair to give her the heads up that her overshare is causing everyone to run away from her.

Note that she IS one of my best friends and I never said that I don't hang out with her anymore or don't WANT to hang out with her anymore (in fact, I saw her for breakfast this morning and was kind enough to order rye bread for her so as not to inflame the IBS! ha ha)

I understand what you're saying - my question right from the beginning was how I can be KIND about this, but also how I can drive the point home that it's NOT okay to (a) bring this up repeatedly and (b) at the top of her voice in public.

Also, the IBS/bowel talk isn't something that's been going on for years or anything - it's a fairly recent development (even though she has always been the kind of person to complain about her health).

So, I realise I should say something - I just have to be tactful and pick the right moment, as you said. Action / Reaction is a good way to put it.

Sundaygreen, I think you are a great friend....someone like this would drive me crazy and I would want nothing to do with them. I assume there is a reason why you are friends, and that you are getting something out of the relationship that you haven't mentioned. Maybe part of you is enjoying the "caretaker" role..I know I have been in this situation myself.

I still think firm directness is key. Don't be surprised if you after you have a "nice" conversation with her about it, she is ok for awhile, but then reverts back to the behavior. IMHO, this chick has psychological issues that require professional help, especially since you stated that she has complained about her health for years. Now it is escalating to the point where she may become socially isolated, which will worsen her symptoms even more.

Also, I get that people say ignore her, but then, what is the point of being around her if you do that? Seriously. That will not help her.

Next time she brings it up I would say "Dude, thats disgusting. Can you STOP talking about that stuff all the time?! I get that you're sick and stuff but I dont want to hear about it over lunch. It's making me very uncomfortable." It's not totally rude but it's straight to the point. It may hurt her feelings at first but at least she'll think about it. There's no reason for you to beat around the bush, she obviously cant read the discomfort in your eyes or the subtle hints youve been trying to give her to get her to stop. Just grow some balls and say it, in the end you'll both be happier.

Right now you guys are treating her so special (even ordering the rye bread as to not upset her) that she is totally enjoying the attention. Why would she stop? In her eyes you guys dont mind at all and she keeps getting special treatment so everything is working out for her! Stop treating her like she's a terminal cancer patient and let her deal with her own disfunctions.

Totally off topic--This thread made me think of all the conversations I have with friends about medical issues, personal or otherwise. We're all biomedical engineers, so we don't even bat an eye at discussing colon polyps, mole biopsies, etc. People over-hearing us must think we're psycho.

I had a housemate last year who constantly went on about her 'dairy allergy' (intolerance, it definitely was not an allergy)...eventually we started to ignore her when she started talking about it, mainly because we realised she was doing it for attention. Perhaps your friend,though she may be ill and I don't doubt that, talks about this stuff in public in order to gain attention and sympathy? I think it would be good to just change the subject or not react when she talks about her IBS, she'll soon learn it doesn't provoke a reaction/ attention/ sympathy then. Or if she starts talking about poo at lunch perhaps tell her that people are trying to eat and don't need to hear about her bowels!

I think the problem is more about your friend being rude and socially inappropriate. It is never ok to discuss your bowel movements at the dinner table regardless of what health issues you have. She really has no shame. I think she needs a lesson in etiquette.

If you are one of her best friends, then you're almost required to set her straight. I'm not sure it matters how nicely you put it, since she's ruining everyone's appetite with the dirty details of her IBS. Just tell her how uncomfortable and annoying and disgusting it is. If she doesn't cease and desist, stop hanging out with her or inviting her to things. If she's doing this for attention she'll get the hint pretty quickly.

I think jazzytummy is right. It sounds more like a psychological issue. Like Sundaygreen said, this girl LOVES the attention she gets from all the medical conditions she has. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but just want to throw this out there:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchausen_syndrome

Sundaygreen-- read up on that and see if that sounds like her, because it could be. I'm not saying she is faking ALL her illnesses, but it sounds like she may be faking some of them just to keep the focus on her.

Actually, Munchausen syndrome is a bit more serious than just faking a stomachache. With Munchausen syndrome you really WOULD have, say, a stomachache, but it would be self-inflicted-- like you'd eat something bad on purpose to cause it. I guess that's different than just flat-out making it up.

Has she looked into the possibility that she may be gluten intolerant/sensitive? That seems to affect a lot of people's health, not just their tummies, but overall health and other problems.

Aside from that, you should say something about her constant complaining. Maybe not put it as that, but tell her that you guys are about to eat and talking about diarrhea right before is not very appetizing.

fallen I've had IBS and now have colitis and it's more than just "pesky" it's down right painful, embarrasing and has kept me home or having to leave somewhere and go home many many times.

I've been there and I have to admit for most of you haven't been there you have no idea. I have colitis and had IBS for some time. I have to be picky as far as what I eat because most everything is sure fire to upset my stomach, even on my meds. People assume I'm picky or I'm this or that and it's so annoying. I'm picky because I can't eat most of the foods.

Stress and outside stimuli almost can make it worse. I mean I can eat eggs every day and day 5 it won't sit well and I'm in horrific pain and well, I won't go into detail since stress aggravates it and makes it worse. I try not to go into great detail with people unless they ask or if I'm thrust into a situation where I need to let people know that "this" place may not work for food or if I'm not up to feeling well.

As for a person who seems to always have some ailment, who knows I can only speak off of my experience which is IBS and orther colon problems can wreak havoc on your life, it's not just an "upset stomach."

Aimeeb, your post sounds like I could have written it myself. I have the same problem, and everyone assumes its just being picky. It REALLY is more than JUST an upset stomach.

i would stop inviting her to join you with friends it seems like its more than IBS more like chronic complaining and saying gross things like diarrhea to get attention. who wants to hear that? you dont to have IBS to know that. if she asks what goin on just tell her she complains too much and its a buzzkill. you dont have to hangout with someone who complains and brings down your mood. how does that help you? friends are there to help you and someone to talk to not to take energy from you.

Wow, I'm the opposite of your friend. I'm one of those girls who claims to never fart or go to the bathroom EVER, so I probably wouldn't even tell my friends if I had IBS let alone talk about it incessantly! So of course I wouldn't want to hear about anyone else's. Tell her that by talking about it so much, YOU start to feel ill. Really, though, I can't deal with overly sensitive people. Good luck.

I have IBS too and if I don't have a balanced diet I end up with severe abdominal pains. I just try and keep my diet as balanced as possible, even if I have to go without the things I really want to chow down on. I never discuss it unless it's acting up though, people don't need to know about my bowels. I only mention it if I'm in pain and need to sit down or have something proper to eat (ie, sushi instead of fries).

I would have said to your friend "How about a salad instead?" or "Maybe you should take a look at the Bruschetta?" to try and get her mind off her toilet problems. I would also discreetly say that some people might be uncomfortable hearing about her IBS (most people are) and perhaps she could only mention her IBS when it was bothering her? Saying she was going to suffer from Diarrhea at the table really is more than anyone needs to know.

Autumns, ha, "I never discuss it unless it's acting up though." GROSS.

I agree with aimeeb and candace87.

Some days are worse than others, but it's always unpredictable in my case. It is embarassing, annoying, and painful to have. I think it really just depends on someone's personality as to how they handle this. I have cancelled plans because of being sick, I hate going out to eat because I'm afraid I'll be sick. Still, I ususally go through with things and just deal with it as it comes along. If it gets to be too bad I will apologize and go home. Even if I leave, I just leave it at "I'm not feeling very well."

And ew, no one wants to think about diarrhea while eating or about to eat.

wow. it's always amazing how people with IBS are treated. some people just in this thread alone have said we're doing it for attention, that we should get over it, and then another girl suggested we have munchausen's! wtf!

I DO have IBS and it IS painful and debilitating. Everything I eat affects it. However, I try not to ruin parties but yeah sometimes it happens because it'll be like, "Where has she been for the last 45 minu- oh, the bathroom." Anxiety aggravates it, but anxiety aggravates everything, and just because anxiety makes it worse does NOT mean it is just in our heads. She is taking it way too far by trying to monopolize the party. And that's how I talk around my friends ("I can't eat that I'll poop so much") but we're nursing students. I think it's different.

Just tell her that she really should keep the IBS specific stuff quiet, because other people aren't as open as you are about talking about it. but she's not making the pain up.

The thing is I sympathise with her situation AND I don't believe she's making it up - but I don't need to hear about it all the time and neither does everyone else. She brought it up again the other day, and her boyfriend (who was sitting across from me) actually rolled his eyes!

Another friend of mine is very allergic to wheat, and if she eats ANYTHING with even the slightest bit of wheat in it by accident - she'll be in the bathroom within 5 minutes. But she never, ever talks about it. And she certainly doesn't bring it up at lunch or around other people in a social situation.

Anyway thanks for all the great advice, I think the next time it happens I'm just going to have to be firm but polite with her and tell her it's not acceptable behaviour to talk about it all the time. Thanks guys!

There are a ton of people who have IBS and never complain. If you are properly medicated, IBS can be well-controlled.

There are many types of psychological disorders that present as pain, and this sounds like your friend.

I have a friend like this. She complains non stop, always has some sort of crisis in her life that she wants everyone to feel sorry for her about, and every time I have a party she will sit upstairs at my house while every one is downstairs and she will cry or sulk, and I used to check on her, but now I just ignore her -- and tell everyone else to do the same. Or - if we go out any where she'll have a panic attack, or not feel well, or just complain, complain, complain. Funny thing is, she is always fine if it is just me and her, and when she is getting attention. I like her, and she is my friend, but I'm so over it I just ignore her - seriously.

I have IBS and I know what a pain it is. And yes, anxiety does go along with it. I personally don't like to go out to eat because I know it will mess up my stomach.
I think you should just tell your friend that you know she may not be feeling well, but going out will make her feel better. I know personally that I hate going out in public because of being scared of having to use the restroom while being out. I just make sure I know exactly where the bathrooms are, and if I have to go, I go. But usually, going out makes me feel better because staying at home because of a stomach ache is no fun.

I have IBS and wheat/lactose intolerances but I don't share it with people. If I go out for a meal I'll just eat the best thing possible for me and then I'll suffer later. I've just eaten lasagna at my boyfriend's parents house and I'm in pain but I'm keeping quiet. It's just more socially acceptable that way.

This girl has no social skills, end of.