Oh my God, I am so sorry. I hope you can find the support and comfort you need from friends and family now, because this guy seems like he's in denial or a straight-up liar about this.

Personally, if this happened to me, I would literally beat the sh*t out of him and then DEMAND he get tested ASAP [or demand testing first, beat him later, who knows?]. Just because he got tested before he started dating you doesn't mean he didn't catch it right afterward.

Also, if he's not having any symptoms, it's possible he may be one of the few people who has an immunity to the herpes virus, but still passes it on to others [I could be mistaken about how that immunity works, but it's possible that this is what's happened, and may be a good counter to any resistance the OP will get from him about getting tested]. That's no excuse for him cheating in any way, he's still a dog, just something to think about.

This guy is going to deny as much as he can! Your first instinct was proabably right. Get rid of him and focus on taking care of yourself!

I will say with 99% certainty that he cheated. what an awful situation to be in, I am so sorry.

and margokhal, obviously Taken Aback Abbie should be angry, but with all this Rihanna-Chris Brown news, I hope you and everyone knows that violence is NEVER an answer, whether a guy hits you or if you hit a guy -- go punch a pillow instead!!

Unless someone is experiencing an active outbreak, doctors do not usually do a blood test for herpes when the run the "gamut" of tests; usually you have to specifically ask for a herpes blood test. So there's a chance that he did not know he was infected 2 years ago and erroneously thought that he was tested for everything.

Either way, good luck! I know it sounds horrible now, but hopefully you can work through the difficult feelings you have right now.

talk to your doctor about the possibility of the virus being dormant in him for 2 years...it seems unlikely especially since he was tested before you started dating 2 years ago, so he had to get it sometime since then probably (unless, like others have said, your doctor confirms there is the off chance that it could have gone undetected)

but really think hard abour your relationship. this sounds very sketchy and i'm pretty sure, from all the evidence we know, he is lying to you and has cheated on you...think hard about if you truly trust him and believe he could do this to you...normally your first gut instinct is correct and you should most definitely follow your heart on this

the other thing is how he reacted to your news - when my bf gave me an STD (right when we first started dating), my friend said to me, he was in the wrong and should have been tested, but wait and see what he says - if he yells and calls you a slut, then he's a jerk, but if he says sorry and makes you feel better about an awful situation and you get through it together, then he might be worth having around...so use this terrible time to really guage his love for you and the strength of your relationship...i know it worked for me, and since then, i know my boyfriend would help me through any tough time in the future!

good luck, and turn to family and friends for support as much as possible!

Well I did say personally; I didn't mean to suggest that that is what Abbie should do. She can do what she likes. And Abbie has every right to be angry.

But I do think she should DEMAND he get tested. I say demand, because from the way it looks like the situation is going, she's going to meet some resistance on it.

I am sorry for you. I would ask him to get tested with you you there to get the results. He might not have because all doctor's don't automatically test for herpes.

The fact that it took you TWO years to have an outbreak is fishy to me though. I would ask for space to sort out feelings and decide whether you think you can believe and trust him again. You have to make the best decision for yourself.

It's very very difficult to test for herpes unless you are currently having an outbreak. He could have gotten tested out the wazoo before you two got together but unless he got tested WHILE he was having an outbreak then there is a very VERY good chance he tested negative and had no idea. Technically it can lay dormant for a very long time or he may have had something pop up but it wasnt substatial enough for him to think it was serious or even for him to notice. If you truly think he lied to you and cheated on you then there should be other signs other then just an STI.

Follow your instincts but realize that he could also be telling the truth.

Good luck

It does indeed sound like he probably cheated and I'm sending hugs your way...what a terrible situation. But there is some hope...if he was tested for STDs, including herpes, and the herpes virus was dormant at the time, it's possible that the test gave a false negative (most of the time, doctors only test for herpes if you have an active sore).

Also, it is possible to contract genital herpes from the more common herpes I (cold sore virus). It happens a lot with oral sex, actually. If one partner has a cold sore and pleasures the other person, that person can have a genital herpes outbreak. Is it possible that you may have had a cold sore and passed it to him that way?

Since it's only been said once before (vs all the cheating votes) - unless he asked for the herpes test (a blood test) he probably wasn't tested for it. Most of the other std tests are cultures from swabs.

Second, he could be one of those carriers that is asymptomatic (shows no symptoms) but they can still pass it on. During an outbreak is when you are most contagious, but it can be spread at any time.

It's also entirely possible that he's had it for two years, and you were lucky and didn't catch it from him until recently. And usually your outbreak is within weeks, but not always. You might even have had prior outbreaks that were just internal and you didn't notice them.

Also be aware that cold sores are caused by herpes and can be transmitted to the "nether regions" also.

Oh, and condoms can't protect you either, skin on skin contact down there can transmit it even using one.

Fun stuff huh? Good luck!

Do you think he'd tell you... honestly... if he knew about it before and was just taking his chances? Or if he were cheating? How did he react when you asked/told him... I'd judge his honesty by his actions. If he tries to turn it back around on you... guilty. If he starts making up ways you could have caught it from some other place... guilty. He just needs to get himself to the doctor to be tested, stat.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but I knew of a few people with the herp, and one of them had these crazy ideas about how he couldn't spread it unless he was experiencing an outbreak, so he didn't have to say to anyone that he had it... similar to how young kids think they can't get pregnant if it's their first time, if they douche afterwards, etc...

This is awful I'm so sorry. Yes he most likely did cheat on you.

OH MY GOD. i have never logged in and commented before, but i am seriously enraged at people's comments - especially you dearsugar, because you're a trusted source for advice. more than likely, your boyfriend did NOT cheat on you. herpes is almost never included in the regular STI testings, because doctors and the CDC have decided that the psychological pain of having it is much worse than the physical repercussions, especially as most people don't actually experience the typical lesions we know to be an outbreak. it is QUITE possible - in fact, more than likely - that your boyfriend contracted herpes before he met you, and like 90% of people, never experienced a typical outbreak, and, like everyone who doesn't specifically ask for the test, he wasn't tested for herpes. i am so sorry that there is this kind of misinformation on the web - especially from trusted sources such as dearsugar. i'd recommend checking out the HHP forum for more accurate insight.

First, I would talk to your doctor about if herpes can be dormant. And to see if it is possible to be a carrier without an outbreak. Second, I would ask your boyfriend to get tested (as he needs to anyway) and you need to see the results. If he tests positive, I would recommend a very serious talk with him and make your decisions from there. While the evidence doesn't make things look good for him, you have been in this relationship for a long while. It certainly deserves some investigation before you major decisions are made. I'm sorry this happened to you and wish you the best of luck.

Any way you slice it, this situation sucks. I agree with the other less popular posters who said that although your boyfriend swears he was tested for every possible STI, it may be that the herpes test was not included, or, if it was, it was undetectable because of various medical reasons. If I were him I would want to check with the doctor who did the tests to see exactly what was administered and what the variables were. Your boyfriend should be willing to share this information openly with you. Before this, don't kill yourself with the emotional drama of "did he or didn't he" ...you truly don't have all of the information you need. I agree with belligirl...it's annoying that Dearsugar didn't cite this possibility.

Also, not to be completely crass, but if it turns out he didn't cheat and you guys have a great, loving relationship, you'll probably want to stick together for the long haul so you can manage your herpes as a couple and not risk spreading them around.

As far as I know, the only way to test for herpes is by a physical exam (seeing the actual outbreak)...to tell you the truth, you'll never know if it was before or after. So talk out how the relationship is going make sure the trust is there, and take it from there. It doesn't mean he cheated, and it doesn't mean he didn't either.

Like belligirl4, I was driven to comment because this whole thread just drove me crazy. Did your boyfriend cheat? The truth is WE cannot tell you!! He may or may not have been tested for herpes at his earlier exam; the disease may or may not have lain dormant in him, presenting no symptoms with which to warn you guys; somehow a cold sore may or may not have been involved and transmitted the herpes virus to your nether regions. Or maybe he cheated. We just. don't. know.

It's a terrible situation to be in. You are going to have to have a serious talk (maybe many) with your boyfriend, your doctor(s), and figure out what the best thing to do is. Just know that your boyfriend may not have done anything wrong - give him the benefit of the doubt until you confirm something one way or the other.

I think he is lying to you either way. Either 1.) He was never tested or 2.) he did cheat on you.

Wow. This is so messed up.

Um if any of you have had routine STI testing before, you would know that a test for Herpes is not routine and he probably therefore was not tested for it. It is very possible that he had no idea that he had it, and only recently had an outbreak, giving it to you. Talk to your doctor about this before you directly accuse your boyfriend of cheating. He may not be lying.

I seriously doubt he was ever tested. If the relationship is REALLY worth it to you, insist on him getting tested. If he's not willing, you know you've got to make changes. Good luck.

I'm with saracateh. Herpes isn't a part of routine STD tests, so it's completely possible that he's had it all along, just had an outbreak (like, say... a cold sore sometime in the month before your outbreak?) and just now passed it along to you. I'm disappointed in dearsugar for giving you such inaccurate information!

Wow, I love how people are commenting here without reading any of the previous posts. There are people saying "He may not have been tested properly, dont accuse him etc etc" and then someone right after that goes "he cheated, dump him"

Also, I've been very disappointed in DearSugar lately. First with the repeat posts from month agos nevermind editing out important information from those posts so that the advice is basically useless if the OP actuall reads it to now giving false information!! Dear you are supposed to be the "Expert" here. You're supposed to do your homework and be the end all advice giver that everyone will base their advice off of but how can we trust you now?! We have had a million posts on herpes in the last year and every tiem there are a bunch of women who try desperately to clear up the misconceptions about how to catch herpes and how to spread it and then suddenly you just pop up as the big dog on campus and destroy any work we've been doing by not answering completely!!

I am horrified.

To reiterate my other answer, you wont know whether he cheated or not unless he tells you. Herpes is not a final answer. Cold sores from kissing someone else (you mom or dad even!) or sharing drinks with someone who has a cold sore, there is even a teensy tiny chance that you could have caught it from a bloody toilet seat! Sorry but there is no concrete way to prove he cheated.

good luck

As a medical student I would immediately like to say HE MAY NOT HAVE CHEATED and I'm appalled at some of these answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. When you get a general STD panel like he did before he met you, they DON'T TEST FOR HERPES in most cases. Ask him specifically if he got a blood test for herpes. Most of the time you have to ask for it specifically.

2. There are two types of herpes: HSV 2 and HSV 1. Usually genital sores are HSV 2 and oral herpes (cold sores) are HSV 1. HOWEVER, with more and more oral sex happening in our age group MUCH OF THE HERPES PEOPLE ARE GETTING IS FROM ORAL SEX WITH A COLD SORE. If either of you has EVER had a cold sore you have a good chance of having got herpes from that route. Cold sores are very, very common. The only way to tell HSV 1 from HSV 2 is with a DNA test from a swab in the affected area, but I wouldn't recommend doing this because even if your sore showed HSV 2, the cold sore could have been HSV 2. The diliniation of HSV 1 on the mouth and HSV 2 in the genitals is convoluted due to all the oral sex.

Good luck, all you can do now is make up your own mind based on your trust for him!

I would also like to clarify... the only way to test someone who doesn't have an open sore is with a blood test. The guy would have a positive blood test, but have never had genital herpes. All of you who have cold sores have positive blood tests.

he can call the testing center where he got tested and ask for his results. its pretty important that you know the truth that way you can decide your course of action from there. maybe he didnt even take a herpes test and therefore didn't know he had it. like some of the other posters said you have to request a herpes test and it isn't something that is usually done when there are no symptoms unless you ask for it. i wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that he cheated even though it doesn't sound good.

i'm don't know if your bf cheated or not. here's my personal story with herpes. after the first time i ever had sex i went to the doctors office to get birth control pills and he suggested me to get STD testes. so i did. results came back and it said i had herpes. i confronted the guy he said he didn't give it to, bla bla bla. then he left me and ignore me for the rest of his life. i felt abandon. i went through the pain of denial and emotional roller coaster. six months later i retested and the test results indicated that i don't have herpes, the doctor ordered a second test and it still came back negative. what had happened to me was that i have gotten a false positive.

i have done some research and it has been known that the percentage of having a false negative is higher than a false positive. maybe your bf didn't lied, but its the test that lied. he might not known he had it because some people doesn't get much of the symptoms.

i know how hard it is for you right now. hang in there and you'll be okay. i promise you. it's hard, but i just want you to still have faith in love and people. think about it 25% of americans have herpes, that's 1 in every 4 person. there's some medication that can help ease the pain and symptoms, but i'm very sorry to tell you that there's no cure.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and support. I went back to the doctors office today (with my mother) to pick up a copy of my test results and the nurse came out while I was waiting and asked me to check in to be seen by the doctor because she had more test results to go over with me. I just broke down right there. I didn't think I could survive any more bad news. Well we met with my doctor and she proceeded to tell me that not only did I have herpes (type 2) but my pap came back abnormal indicating that my cells were affected by HPV (the nasty kind that causes cancer) My boyfriend and I had to go the some friend's house for dinner so when we met up to ride together I told him the new news. He looked terrified and very concerned for me. He pulled me close and held me while I cried. Ever since I told him about the herpes he has been very scared that he gave it to me without knowing he had it because he didn't know if he had been tested specifically for herpes or not. It was a long time ago. He has agreed to contact the last testing place and see if he can find out for sure what they tested for and if they didn't test for it he has agreed to get a new blood test done specifically for herpes and HPV. He has been really great through this whole ordeal and I do love him very much. He even bought both of us a 6 month supply of the natural remedy QuickClear. We will be taking it together. It has been known to cure this nasty, painful virus. I am hopeful that it will help with my immune system in fighting this new HPV as well. I thought that was pretty admirable of him. We are serious regarding our love and relationship and want to get married someday soon.

Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. It really helps a ton!

Thank you for keeping us updated - I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is good that your boyfriend will go through all these stages to help you. Does he know who he could have caught it off? Did he have much unprotected sex/sex with a girl who had a rash before he met you?

HPV is actually INCREDIBLY common and your body will likely be able to fight this off on it's own. Around 80% of women contract and fight HPV in a lifetime so it's really not too much to be worried about. Not every strain of HPV can lead to cervical cancer but at least your doctor is aware of it and you can have the right drugs to help you through this infection.

Have you had a pap smear in the last 2 years which showed up HPV? I think that would be the most telling sign if he had cheated in the last 2 years.

Does herpes have a cure? I wasn't aware it did.

Sparklestar, it doesn't matter if the sex was protected or unprotected - herpes is transferred skin to skin, so condoms won't necessarily protect you.

Hang in there, Scared. HPV is not as terrifying as people make it out to be. Most sexually active women have the virus — it just doesn't always make itself known. You can carry the virus for years without symptoms or a weird Pap. Good that you are getting support and health care treatment. The great news is that HPV, while not curable, is treatable and it usually clears up on its own.

There is, of course, no cure for herpes. Your boyfriend probably has herpes and HPV as well, so it sounds like the best you two can do is have honest communication about this situation. Two of my best buddies have the big H and they're both in happy relationships now... so herpes is not the end of the world either. Hang in there!

I know, that's why I added "or a girl with a rash".

He might have thought it was shaving bumps and it was actually a herpes outbreak. Or she never told him the truth. It's just really bad luck if he had sex with a girl who managed to give him the virus without showing any kind of symptoms prior to infecting him.

How open has he been about his sexual past? Have you been tested for other STD's? Was the diagnosis of herpes a visual or bloodwork one?

Just to share the info - there is actually a vaccination available now that will prevent most kinds of HPV. Though usually they will only give it to people before they become sexually active. So might be worth talking to your doctor about options for prevention before you start having sex

STD's are soo friggin gross, I don't care what anyone says.