He's with you not with her. He's sleeping in your bed, not hers. He's sharing things with you, not her.
His life is now with you, not her. His heart is now yours, not hers. At the end of the day, it's about the two of you and no one else. That's how -_-.

You knew this before you got married. If you're not over it by now...did you think marriage would magically erase your insecurities?

I totally understand your fraustration... Although I am not married, but I was dating this guy who had a 5 yrs relationship with a girl. I just can't get it out of my head and it ruined my time with him...

Like GScott86 said - he is with you not with her. It's your insecurities, dont put it on him. U will get over it eventually. =) Congratulations on your marriage!!!

Get over it. You married him.

You just have to get over it. You married him, it's not like he hid the fact from you before you guys got married, is it?

*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*

I'm assuming that you knew about it before you married him so why is it suddenly bothering you now.It doesn't make sense.

You need to get past that and your insecurities ASAP before you end up in divorce court.....

Everyone has a past when it comes to relationships. He doesn't seem resentful of the past marriage or marriage since he married you. Discuss the topic if he's willing to and your that concerned why it ended. Be prepared for insight that might be disturbing though. My fiance has been married twice and I once. We're honest if the other ask a question reguarding past but we don't dwell on it.

You're insecure. Unfortunately, insecurity can't change his past, but it sure can ruin your future. Think of it this way... what would you think of him if he said that he didn't like your car/cat/blender/hair stylist because you had those things while in another relationship? Isn't your past still a part of you, even if it's an inconsequential thing like a blender? Wouldn't that mean that there was a part of you that he didn't like, or refused to accept?

What exactly do you think of, when you think of her? Is there a part of the story we're missing? Is this jealousy or guilt... or are you afraid of how their relationship fell apart?

This is kind of a weird one. I guess I'd just bite my tongue and assume that this will fade over time.

my hubbie was married before. In fact, we live in the same house that they built together. Doesnt bother me in the least, because they didnt stay married for a reason and now I am lucky enough to be married to him! so i am glad things didnt work out for them, and she was dumb enough to leave.

Great for me!. look at it like that! she did you a favor!

My fiance was married before (for about 4 months!!). But to be honest, was with my ex boyfriend longer than he was with his ex-wife, so it all comes down to: everyone has a history! And in my fiance's case, everyone makes mistakes, especially when they are young and dumb.

it would bother me if my bf had been engaged or married before, too, because i'd be worked up that i wasn't the "first" and that i was being compared, but you were okay with the fact before and not know, and that's what i have trouble with.....just get over it

I've kind of been in the same boat. My husband had been married before to a woman for 11 years and they have a child together. At first it was kind of difficult to get used to, but if you truly love him you will look past it. They aren't together anymore for a reason and that relationship it in the past. He doesn't plan to get back together with her and I assume that your husband doesn't plan on getting back together with his ex-wife. They divorced because they no longer wanted to be together. He's with me now and your husband is with you. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years now and we have a great life and I'm sure yours will be the same. You just have to look past it and not let it bother you. It's not worth it, I promise you.

My guess is that you're a bit nervous because he was married before and he could end it then, so maybe he will end it with you too? Maybe you think that you're not evenly in in this relationship because it's your first and a real milestone for you, but he's kinda been there before? I think you need to figure out exactly why you feel this way, because it can't just be a general "I just don't like it". Then, work with what the others here has advised you, he's yours now, he married you for a reason, and it doesn't have to be the same reasons as those he had when he married his ex-wife. You should assume that he has grown and now is more confident in what he wants out of life, and that he has chosen you because he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life, and he now knows this because he has seen what works and didn't work for him. Don't tell your hubby because there will just be misunderstandings, work through this and enjoy being married to the man you love

What's done is done. You can't go back and change that he was married so you might as well just stop dwelling on it. He is with you now, and that is what matters. Be thankful that you have someone who loves you!

Really, the only way you can get over this is to remind yourself constantly that what is in the past is in the past - and it helped lead him to you, his true love, the one who will really be with him until death do you part unless, of course, you can't get over his ex. He got over her, otherwise he wouldn't have married you! Be confident in yourself and the love you have together. If you can't seem to do this on your own, I suggest getting a counselor.

I think you are newly married and settling in, the fanfare of the wedding plans and celebration are over, now you are focusing on this. I think you need to get busy with some other things, because you are dwelling on something that should have been dealt with before you married this guy.

I am wondering, since you are a new wife, if you are worried that you will make the same "mistakes" that the first wife did. I mean this in loose terms, of course, because a failed marriage takes two people, but I think you don't really know what happened with them, and you want to avoid going down the same road, because you are inexperienced. It is creating anxiety where there shouldn't be any so early in your marriage.

Just talk to him.

Have you considered counseling, either individually or couples? Like someone above mentioned, perhaps there is something specific that bothers you about it, but you haven't been able to identify it. Try talking to a professional who might help you work through this, rather than stewing through it on your own.

I wonder if there is an answer to this. I dated someone who had been married for 14 years (had 2 kids) - and eventually I broke it off because I could not get past it. I even went to counseling and the counselor couldn't help me. The counselor said what many of the people here have said: past is past, he's with YOU now, etc. and none of that helped. When someone has been married before - it's their whole life - they were in love, they shared a home, holidays, families, vacations, had children together, shared money, slept together thousands of times, shared the same bed every night and on it goes... it's huge. It's their whole life. Then a new relationship comes along - and you as the new person are supposed to just ignore all that? I don't see how.

Maybe if both parties have been married before - there is some kind of fairness as they've both been through it. However - if one has been married before and the other has not - for me personally - I could not get past it.

You are married though - you HAVE to get past it - get to a counselor - because you knew this going in and you can't punish him for it now.

did you think that your insecurities would fade as soon as you said "I Do"? if you did, then you weren't ready to get married. why would you go into a marriage where such a huge part of his life BEFORE HE MET YOU is such a problem? you need to think long and hard and come to an understanding about why you feel this way... maybe you need counseling? either way- HE'S MARRIED TO YOU. theres a reason his previous marriage didnt work out and if anything you should be happy that youre now with someone that may have experience dealing with certain situations. they no longer have any ties. its a relationship that went bad- nothing more and you don't need to constantly obsess over it. try to focus on your own relationship and your own marriage and not his PAST one, otherwise you will ruin this marriage.

I have been married before and some guys have had a massive issue with it (because I got married quite young) and others have been fine. My boyfriend said to me (when I told him) - I am with you NOW and what happened before is in your PAST and he isn't dating my past.

You married him, you share your life with him now. What can't you get over? The fact he had felt the same level of commitment to somebody else? That you didn't get to share the whole WEDDING thing with him the first time he did it and somebody else got that? Did she have a nicer dress? Do you think he isn't as committed to this marriage as he was before?

I'm sorry but you may need to seek counselling to help you with these insecurities and maintain open lines of communication with your husband. He is YOUR HUSBAND.

My current boyfriend has been married before. At first I thought it was weird, but I love him and now I don't even think about it at all. I know sometimes it can be difficult -- especially if one of you has been married and the other hasnt. But you are his wife and partner now, and you just have to do the best you can. I kind of agree with the conselling idea. Communication is so important in relationships and if he doesn't know about this it can manifest into something horrible. Don't let it!

I'm in a similar situation as you, so I can totally understand your feeling. My boyfriend always talks about his ex, and some stories about her even with her family. Nonstop... I'm sure she still has feeling about him. And, she can always find excuse to call or message or email(usually for help), and I can't say anything about it... I saw him editing his photos with her, some intimate photos..God knows what I feel... but I'm trying to convince myself as Gscott86 said, hopefully it will work out.

Wait... hh81, your situation is totally different. Yours is a boyfriend, this is a husband, and her husband isn't pining for his ex like your boyfriend seems to be. Editing intimate pictures?! Honey, it sounds like you're just a rebound or a placeholder... don't get all emotionally wrecked over this guy... get out of the relationship! Someone who keeps an old relationship alive through pictures, phone calls, email, etc. is just waiting for that person to fall back into his or her life. You probably don't believe me, but you should. Read over your post as if you were an unaffected party... you know you'd tell that girl she's setting herself up for a huge fall.

hh81... I'm sorry but it sounds like you are the rebound. If he is editing pictures with her and still talks to her then he is SO NOT over her. You need to stay the hell away and let him get back together with her because they'll likely end up doing that regardless of how well you treat him.

Don't waste your energy over a guy who loves somebody else! I did it twice and the third time it happened I was wise enough to get away!

.....I didn't expect to hear that. He admitted that when we started this relationship, he was not totally over her, but he was working on that and would surely to move on. And I had agreed to give him time. But I just don't know how long I can take this anymore. Thanks notinthemood and sparklestar, I would take your advice, keep a distance from now on and try to get out of the relationship as soon as I can, at least, not get hurt. And sorry to the wedding girl, maybe I'm too emotional in my previous post.

In that case he already warned you about his residual feelings prior to the relationship and it was your decision as to whether you wanted to date a guy who still was in love with somebody else.

You can't get over somebody by dating somebody new, it doesn't work like that. He needs time away from relationships to either get over her or work on getting back together with her. He's not going to overcome his feelings for her by this point in the relationship with you if he hasn't already.

Sorry. I'd step back, be friends, don't have sex with him and see where he is emotionally in a few months. I would heartily encourage you to date other people as something like this can really knock your self confidence.

Ladies,

this was actually my post..but what's posted is not what i wrote...only these sentences (that made it to editing) are mine;

"My husband and I got married in February, but for some reason, I can't get over the fact that he was married before. They were only married four years and they didn't have any children together, but I just can't seem to let it go. "

that's it..out of that whole paragraph that's all i actually wrote...and a lot of you just say GET OVER IT....

it doesnt matter if how i;m feeling is stupid or irrantional....it's how i feel...i can't believe how rude you guys can be.

Cbaby, I agree that there is no need for rudeness, and however irrational it is, you can't change how you feel.

Basically, the only advice I can think of is - you can't change his past, but you are a part of his future. Have faith in that future. There is no certainty in this life. I know that this sounds really depressing, but the truth is, even if he'd never been married before, your hubby could just as easily run off with another woman 30 years down the track - he could just as easily have been married before (as he has), and remain faithful and loving until you're both old and wrinkly and sitting on your front porch together! You never really know, and your lack of faith in your relationship will eventually result in negativity within your partnership - which may result in the very thing you're afraid of.

If you love this guy enough to have married him, then you must show him trust until he breaks your faith in some way. It will take time, but I think you'll become more comfortable and less insecure as time goes on!

Best of luck!

i feel the same way. I actually googled "why can't I get over the fact that my boyfriend has been in a long term relationship?" and this pulled up. I realize he can't do anything about it, but every day I think about what they shared together. I just feel like i can never be as close as I want to because he has already been through loving and laughing and committing, and I have not. I'll admit I am insecure- not of what we have, but of the girl in general. She was gorgeous and blonde... I'm not. ANyways it sucks comparing yourself, and envisioning their past moments of lust and love so if you figure out how to block this from your mind let me know.