When you're an A-list celeb who's just given birth, or even an obscure person who suddenly finds herself with 16 babies (whoops — how ever did that happen!), a baby these days pretty much guarantees a tabloid cover, plus a nice sum of money. And for the lower-tiered stars? Well, The Onion imagines that, like the rest of us peons, they'd have to suck it up and fork over some cold hard cash just to get attention. On noncelebrity planet earth, only your friends and family care that you had a baby. (I know — crazy, right?)


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