Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I got sober together and have been dating, clean and off drugs, for over a year now. He uses a 12-step program to maintain his sobriety and is a highly spiritual person. I do not use a 12-step program, nor am I religious or spiritual. We are obviously very close, but every few months, I will confide in him about an issue or problem occurring in my life, and he will respond by saying that the only way he knows how to live is by doing the 12 steps. It's almost like he can't be of any assistance to me if I won't do it his way, and it always turns into an argument.
Most of the time we get along great and are the best of friends, but this issue of his spiritual program versus my lack of one comes up monthly, and it makes me think it's something that is always on his mind. How can I stay open with him and confide in him without worrying about being attacked? — Unsupported Sasha
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Dear Unsupported Sasha,
Let me first applaud you and your boyfriend for your year of sobriety — that's no small feat, so congratulations! Since you both took different approaches to getting sober, I can see how that could cause some confusion in your relationship, but at the end of the day, he needs to understand that what works for him might not work for you, and vice versa. What matters here is that your chosen methods work, so if you're feeling deep down that he resents you for taking an alternative approach, something's got to change.
Since life isn't perfect, you're both going to continue to experience bumps in the road, which is why it's so important that you feel safe and secure when opening up him. Since these conversations usually end in an argument, I suggest you broach the subject unattached to an issue or problem you're facing. Ask him if what you're feeling is true, and if he does have a problem with your lack of spirituality, and if that problem is a difference he can't accept, you two just might not be right for each other. I understand that you love and care for him, but it's important that you put your needs and your sobriety first. Hopefully laying it all out on the table will give you both some clarity, but when all is said and done, follow your instincts on this one. Good luck to you.
Melrose
Elle Passions
Radley
Spirituality/religion ruins relationships... people need to realize its a personal thing and not get involved and get pissy at other people because they don't share the same feelings and/or religion. But you have to watch out because some people treat spirituality like its the only thing in their life and if you aren't the same way they'll go out of their way to make you feel like your wrong... I'd just break up with him, personally. You don't need anymore problems.
1I'll never understand why religious people feel the need to push their religion onto others. If he cannot get over himself enough to help you in a way that is ACTUALLY helpful then you need to take some time off and really think about what this guy means to you and think about what spending your life with him means for YOU and YOUR future. You have to put yourself before him, men are a dime a dozen, you can find a respectful and helpful guy who wont shove religion at you.
2I completely disagree, le romantique. I hope you haven't had a personal experience with this, but it seems from your comment that it may have been the case.
My current BF and I have very different thoughts about the world and life and the after life and spirituality etc. I thought for a time that it ultimately would become a problem with how we relate to or understand each other, or if we have children together someday, how that could become an issue in how we'll raise them. we've talked about these differences specifically before, and I think what works for us is identifying the very personal nature of our own beliefs, but also what we have in common -- for example, we both think its more important to raise a child with integrity and morals and honor and manners than to necessarily "choose" a religious path or one way of spiritual teachings. for me, his beliefs may not comfort me sometimes when I have a crisis of faith or if I need some guidance, but other times he provides the most unexpected wisdom, and vice versa. hopefully you two will be able to find some common ground to keep you going.
3It caused alarm bells for me that he says the only way he knows how to live is by the 12-step program. It seems to me that he might be lashing out because he fears anything outside the program, including you, that might make him fall back into old habits. It might be less you and more his clinging to this program. Maybe you can help him see that there are a lot of ways to stay sober successfully.
4I met someone just like this. was sober for three years when i met him. when i asked him why he became spiritual he simply said, "when your trying to stay sober you'll wanna to believe" in god he meant. that he had such a hard time trying to stay sober. now he is happy and is thankful. nothing wrong with that if your becoming spiritual along the way. but have you told him you are happy the way you are? even though you are not spirital are you at least optimistic? if not maybe he starts taking like that in a way to rid himself of negative ideas. tell him that you happy and still sober even though your not really religious. everyone has a way of coping, its obvious you have to. good luck
5First: This IS NOT an issue about religion/spirituality. This IS about a person [the boyfriend] who has traded one structure he got stuck in [drugs] for another that he is now stuck in [the 12-step program].
Even if he had done the "cold turkey" method, and refused to live life by anything other than "you do or you don't. no gray areas" [which many people do in EVERY SINGLE aspect of their lives!], it's not healthy.
Try to approach him again with a problem, but present it in in a way that is maybe neutral or that he may be open to. If you approach him being closed and not interested in his method, he will clam up in it and shut you out. If he is constantly beating you over the head that you haven't done the 12-step program, though, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
6Try using the basic fundamentals of the twelve step program? See some people just don't get a major aspect of spirituality, religion, faith, etc. It's not totally about what a higher power or whoever else can do for you. It's what you can do for yourself. People are just too weak to do what they can for themselves, even through difficult times. There's nothing you can't get through if you truly really want to get through it. I know that much.
7I agree w/ you, margokhal. His unwillingness to be open to other processes and beliefs screams dependency issues - he's moved from one addiction to another. If worse comes to worse and you have to end the relationship, let's hope he hasn't become dependent on you, because that could get ugly.
8I reckon this is why they advice not to seek relationships while you're trying to become sober or clean. he clearly traded once vice for another, via his co-dependency issues. I suggest you re-evaluate your relationship. It might be better for you to be alone then to be with another addict.
9For a lot of former addicts, spirituality and AA meetings begin to be an addiction themself. One way to overcome an addiction is to replace it with something else. Maybe you should go to an AA meeting with him to see what it is all about. They usually have AlAnon meetings in a room next door where the family members go and talk. Ask yourself if he just needs more understanding and support from you. Your problem seems more likely to be for this reason than him wanting a spiritual partner.
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