you shouldnt' live the rest of your life like this! like Dear said, ask him outright...even if he's not cheating, though, things aren't going that well and you're not happy either way. go to counseling and tell him you're not happy and want things to change. if they don't, then get out while you can. it will only get harder. good luck!

He could just be clinging to his independence. Marriage does funny things to people.

Just ask him. Communication's always good, and it sounds like it might be lacking in your relationship now.

And I think melizzle's comment is as likely, if not more, as him cheating.

Before hiring a P.I., I would pay very close attention to his behavior and actions. Gather up evidence if possible. I have a feeling if you confront him all he will do is deny. If you have some evidence to present, it'll make it harder for him to deny.

Oh my...I am so sorry Dede. I think you should take Dear's advise and talk to your husband. It is going to be hard but be brave and do this for your marriage. Try to get through his head and understand what he is going through. Keep an open mind though, things will be easier that way. Kisses ~

Don't bother talking to him - he'll deny, deny, deny. If he wanted to be honest he'd have brought up divorce by now. Hire that PI right away so you don't waste any more time if he is cheating.

All was well until you mentioned coming to the realization that he is cheating on you from an online quiz. You really should know your spouse better than having to take some silly little survey.

I would sit down and have a talk with him. Do not confront him about cheating directly. Instead, just talk about your relationship. Say that you have noticed a change since the wedding and you wish you two spent more time together and you just want to know what is going on in his head.

seriously though, u are basing this on a quiz? there are many reasons people change and i agree that u need to sit down with him and discuss the state of your marriage before jumping to any definite conclusions

Talk to him.

I totally agree with Dear Sugar. A strong relationship is based on communication and honesty. It is important to talk, even if this convo is difficult, you need to know for your own sanity. On a lighter note, think about that movie, Knocked Up, remember the part where Katherine HIegel's sister thinks her husband is cheating and really he is out at a fantasy baseball league. I think sometimes men are scared to voice their need for independence. They are afraid we will panic and think the worst. He may just need some time to himself. I hope that you find peace.

You seriously need to talk to him about your relationship. Don't confront him or accuse him.

I agree I'd sit him down and have a talk.

Unless he's willing to ruin your relationship I doubt he'll say he's cheating on you if he is cheating. If he's spending so much money and you don't know why that's not a good thing whether he's cheating or not. There's a lot of ways for a husband to cheat on his wife without her knowing. Watch what he does when he thinks you're not looking. Go through his car if you can. Check his computer for anything. If he's not cheating he's up to something.

He could be cheating on you with a number of things, another woman, gambling, or with himself cuz he wants more free time and feels tied down. Something lots of people kinda feel when in a relationship. So like Seniorita said, just sit down and talk. Communication first. Don't just jump to investigating, you'll go paranoid.

it also could be a drug or gambling addiction. Your best choice would be to flat out ask him where this money is going. You are married now & finances are one thing you should be sharing information with your spouse, especially if you have a joint bank account.

Ask. Him. Directly.

If I were you (assuming
I am only giving myself advice), I would pretend nothing is happening and enjoy my marriage. I would be so glad that I am married to a man who has his own life and I am allowed the freedom to have my own space and time for thinking and all sort of fun stuff that I am able to enjoy by myself. I also won't care if he is buying other women gifts and I just don't care, afterall he married me and not all these all women (pls. don't respond and judge me for having my own philosophy on marital matters... ) But of course that's just me.

Ask him. Communicate. Sounds like you need to.

I agree with TidalWave. Sit down with him and talk about your relationship, without making accusations or assumptions. It could all be a huge misunderstanding! I hope it is.

Regardless, I think you need to speak to him, in a non-judgemental way, and maybe observe his behaviour also, it is unfair that he has no explanation for the large amounts of money he's spending!

I agree with most of the other advisors here, talk to him first, tell him what you're suspecting. Of course he'll deny it, if he feels bad about it he might come clean then and there, but what you'll probably get is that he's more stressed out, "omg she's onto us", and he starts making mistakes. Then you know he's cheating.

As others have mentioned are you certain that he doesn't actually just have a drug problem or a gambling addiction and is hiding it from you? I just got that impression from you saying large sums of money because to me, that would not necessarily indicate an affair.

Are people really that neurotic these days that they have to hire a PI? Thats just depressing. That said, your relationships pretty much over. I mean, where is the trust in that? If my overly obsessive husband was so suspicious of me that he felt the need to hire someone to spy on me, well I'd leave him in a second. Thats a total invasion of privacy and trust. If you cant talk to the very person which whom your suppose to share this amazing holy union with, then thats youre problem.

babysoftpink...you can have your own (warped) views of marriage and monogamy, but the person who posted this question ISN'T happy. you are saying you would be happy in her position, but she isn't. i wouldn't be happy either, and i know lots of other girls who also wouldn't be happy. so keep your shady advice to yourself if you don't have anything constructive to say to a woman who is worried about the state of her own fragile marriage.

i think you need to talk to him. if he comes clean then you know... if not, and you still feel that something isn't right then hire a PI if it will make you sleep better at night to know the truth. the chances are... if you feel that something isn't right in your marriage, you need to follow your gut because it probably isn't. either way you need to do whats best for you and if you aren't happy then you need to leave him.

Most of these women gave great advice. Communication is key. And if you're unsure, maybe you should read up on body language before you have the big talk. Body language says a LOT about what somebody is hiding and if they're telling the truth. I used to contract for the govt and my boss used to be in the Marine Corps, and he ALWAYS knew when somebody was lying to him b/c of what they taught him in intel.

I don't think a PI should be involved in ANY way.

Seriously, what is the deal with the answer to every single question Dear answers being "Talk to him." Is it that complicated of a theory, girls?

I have to agree with skigurl,

Babysoftpink - I can't imagine any girl loving the idea of her husband buying other women (and not his family) presents and from the post it sounds like it would expensive gifts.

I think she should definitely talk it out and don't jump to any conclusions until you hear what he has to say. There very well might be a legit reason. I do have to say though, if he denies anything is happening then its most likely cheating.

"but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can. "

For starters, I have never known a man to admit to cheating when asked. Seriously?

Second of all, what is her evidence? The results of an online quiz?

And finally, "don't accept any excuses." What does that even mean? It means that the OP shouldn't listen to any other reasons. In that case, then why bother with the confrontation?

Yes, you need to talk to your husband, but do not confront him. Do not tell him an online quiz tells you he's cheating. Just say you feel like he isn't interested in you anymore and you don't feel good about the relationship.

He'll either freak out b/c he wasn't intending to make you feel like this, or he'll keep doing the same old same old.

Cheating doesn't have to be the reason for leaving. Having a husband that makes you feel like sh*t is reason enough.

M. Gary Neuman's Book The Truth About Cheating. Download it now from Oprah's Wednesday's show on her web site. It was a rerun on Oprah yesterday. For the most part one in three men will cheat in their lifetime. If you have a suspicion he's cheating most likely he is. Gary says in his book to ask your husband to take a lie detector test.

One thing that nobody's mentioned is writing your thoughts down BEFORE talking to him. I get paranoid of my husband a lot, and it always turns out to be something ridiculous (like the fantasy baseball thing mentioned above). I've found that if I write down my thoughts before I go spewing them, it's less likely to end with him feeling confronted & me saying some irrational stuff I regret. Plus it helps you to organize your thoughts and put things into perspective.

Before you talk to him, you need to answer some questions for yourself. Would you leave him if he is in fact cheating? If it's something you think you can work through, make sure you communicate that in your discussion. You might want to start with, "I feel like you're not getting what you need from me." Try to avoid accusing him, and just try to see where he's coming from -- that always helps avoid fights in difficult conversations.

As far as the $$$ thing goes -- my husband & I have worked out a budget where we get a set amount each month to blow however we see fit. We'll take it out in cash, at the same time, and when it's gone, it's gone -- no more video games or shopping sprees until next month. That helped us A LOT.

"Cheating doesn't have to be the reason for leaving. Having a husband that makes you feel like sh*t is reason enough. "

^ditto to that statement

confront him...if he denies it (90% likely...)..hire private investigator
CUT UR LOSSES...if u finds out that he's cheating on you SO SOON in your marriage together~you deserve MUCH better for the rest of yourself
and even if he isn't cheating...i don't know how i would feel about being so miserable staying with him..of course try to work things out, but u should make sure ur happiness comes first!

Wow...she really took some internet quiz...um, yeah. Maybe you two aren't communicating well enough. Jumping right to cheating shows some insecurity. you guys need to talk, maybe some counseling.

Wow...she really took some internet quiz...um, yeah. Maybe you two aren't communicating well enough. Jumping right to cheating shows some insecurity. you guys need to talk, maybe some counseling.

as others have pointed out, communication is key. broach the subject first with your husband, and maybe you'll get everything squared away. if he's past that point, then i recommend you check out malemonitor.com for further help (ie: online spy software, book resources, and testimonials). these online resources are MUCH cheaper than hiring a PI.

It almost sounds to me that some of the signs could be from drug use not another woman.