I can't help but feel you're not exactly mature ... all your friends are getting engaged and that is your main reason for wanting to get engaged as well? You do realise there is more to marriage than getting a ring and picking out a dress, right?
I don't want to patronise you but 21 is very young, and 1 year with someone is very little. Give it a little more time, and then maybe when all your friends are getting divorced, you don't need to jump on the bandwagon ...

Honey, it sounds to me like you're just running to hop on the band wagon. I agree with the other comment, there's a lot more to being married than the wedding. It may seem like everyone's getting married now and in a few years from now it will seem like everyone's getting devorced. Rather than concentrait on what others are doing why not concentrait on building a relationship that will last and is based on more than the actually wedding. If your still hung up on a wedding why not just throw a party and celebrate your relationship as it is to take the edge off.

I waited 7 years for my wedding and i'm very glad I did. I know we're going to last longer than the flowers and cake.

I'm on the side of the other posters and your bf: it's too soon, you're too young, and "everyone else is doing it" is the worst reason ever to get married.

A year isn't very long to date, and at 21, there's still a good chance you guys might end things (sorry, but you are that young).

Wait.

Marriage is not a race. There's no special prize for doing it at 21 rather than 25 or older.

You need to address the more serious issues here - your urgency to get married because all of your immature friends are?

I'd been with a guy at 21 for like 2 years but if I'd gotten married to him then that would have been a terrible mistake! I have changed so much since 21 and you will too.

Give it a good few years, seriously. Maybe some therapy.

21 is very young. Chances are the guy you're with will NOT be the guy you'll grow old with. Being with someone for one year may seem like a long time for you but it's really quite early to decide on getting married.

You're your own person and getting married just because OTHERS are is not a sign of rational thinking. Instead, it tells me that you're more worried about how others see you - or that you lack the self-esteem to cope with being "left out".

Sorry for being blunt but people like you are the ones driving the divorce rate up. Think before you get married.

it's kind of telling that you don't really mention anything about the marriage itself, just about getting engaged & the ring & the wedding. after all that's over, the excitement of the engagement & the wedding & the ring will eventually wear off & then forever is a looooong time to spend with someone if you're not focused on the marriage itself.

Hahaha, Dear passed this question to us because she is sick of answering it. You obviously have not read DearSugar enough beautiful one! Here's how the timeline goes:

19-21: Wish you were getting married because all of your friends are getting married
21-22: Start getting resentful that you're not engaged yet, nitpick, destroy your relationship subtly and slowly, break up
22-23 or 24: Agonize over everything you did wrong and how you could have been/would have been happily ever after had you just been patient, more loving, more giving, etc. Beat yourself up about letting the love of your life go for being selfish and rushing him
23/24: Realize he was an *sshole, learn a lot about yourself
24: Start believing that even though you learned a lot about yourself and that was great and you don't miss the guy who wasn't right for you, you will never find someone else. Start panicking and becoming desperate that you will NEVER find someone or get married, EVER. Write in to Dear about what to do about this fact. Go on a series of awkward and bad dates with people you don't like, meet some good girlfriends you can laugh about these with.
25/26: STOP CARING completely, realize you are fabulous just as you are, and decide that you really can live without a man, and if you never get married or fall in love again, that's okay with you.
26/27: Once you've given up, stopped looking, and stopped caring, fall madly in love and decide to get married without so many of the insecurities you're wondering about now.

Years 22-24 will REALLY suck, but trust me, it's worth it! You'll be so much happier after you learn who you really are as an adult. Enjoy the ride!

Oh PS: if it's meant to be, it will be. Plenty of people marry young and are happy forever. If that's you, stop obsessing and count your blessings. Each day ask yourself, today would I rather stay and appreciate this AS IT IS, or would I rather be single? If you're enjoying yourself for the now, great. If not, no big deal, leave. But absolutely do not stay in a relationship because you're dreaming about what it WILL be like someday. Because that someday will never come if you are not happy now.

Lol...to the post above me. I dont think 21 is too young, I just she's 21 and immature. You can be 27 and immature, and not ready for marriage. Wait a while, marriage is not something you want to rush. I pretty much agree with what everybody said.

Why would you want to be in the midst of all that *stuff*? If you and all the people you know got married at the same time, all of you would be superbroke going to each other's weddings and bridesmaid's dresses and all the pomp that goes with the ceremony.

Do you really want to be MARRIED now, or are you just ready for a WEDDING?

If it's the latter, maybe you should throw yourself into somebody else's wedding plans.

Maybe you should make some new friends that aren't getting married soon.

Umm, okay I feel that a fair number of these answers are kind of patronizing. From your letter it seems like you know that it's irrational, and you say several times that you do want to wait to be in a better place before you tie the knot. I don't think this is *actually* about getting married.

I'm 22 and I feel like everyday another one of my friends has changed her facebook picture to her shiny new engagement ring and her wall is full of praise, attention, etc. for it. It's completely understandable (and natural) to see that and want it too. I certainly do.

I try to keep it in perspective by remembering that A. I am a lot closer to having that than many of my friends are by being in a committed relationship, and B. the look on my boyfriends face every time I bring up marriage. I'm lucky enough to be with someone who can stay grounded in reality when it comes to that sort of thing, and reminds me that that day will is far away. I make the most of it by enjoying being the one in the relationship that dreams about these things, and spends hours looking at wedding dresses online, knowing that there is a man who will make sure that I don't rush into something before either of us are ready.

There's no way to make the feeling go away, and telling someone their "immature" several times over doesn't really help either. I think you could be the most mature 21 year old on the planet and still feel this way. It's just what you do with that feeling. If you told your boyfriend you're going to dump him if it doesn't happen in the next month, that would be immature. Acknowledging that this is irrational, enjoying thinking about it but ultimately sticking with your plan is what you need to do.

I hope this helps, because I could have written this letter, and a majority of the responses so far would have just made me feel worse about myself.

Bubbly, read the OP's post again. She comes across like a 16 year old who wants to be a princess for a day. She wants to be a bride, not a wife.

Agree with all of the other posters above. She seriously needs to pull her head out and grow up. Her reasons for getting married are all about attention, not commitment. Her boyfriend is not ready, and she is going to f*ck up her relationship with her childishness.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's how I see it.

You sound like a child having a tantrum in the supermarket because her mom won't buy her the doll all her friends already have.

Seriously, I'm not saying that to be mean, but to make you realize that this is how you're talking about MARRIAGE.

Time to relax and grow up.

Instead of focusing on what you DONT have try to focus on what you DO have. You and your bf decided to wait for a while to get engaged for a reason and you have to decide what is right for you and not what your friends are doing. An engagement should really only be about the two people who want to be together and not about anyone else. So maybe when you think about that you can be happy for your friends and look forward to your own engagement in the future.

Sure, go ahead and get married. You'll quickly be divorced which isn't a good thing in these crappy times. But, it's what you want, right? You didn't even bother to mention how much you love your boyfriend. Wait, are you one of those who think that getting married will seal you two forever and the union couldn't be ruptured? Stay in school. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, it doesn't promise or guarantee anything.

if you're 21 and pressuring your boyfriend to get married, mainly because all your friends are, sounds like a recipe for disaster. calm down! you have plenty of time to get married, especially if he is the one, there is no need to rush.

lmao... wow so you want to get engage/married now just because you're friends are doing it. Wow you sound immature. I have to go with everyone else on here. Just because other people are doing doesn't mean you need to be doing it to. You're 21... you have time. Who's to say a year from now you and the bf will be together so why be in such a rush. While I do have friends who married at an early age...at least it was because they were actually ready for it while you sound like you want to do just because your friends are doing it.
Girl take your time, enjoy life and enjoy your relationship the way it is now.

I am 22 year old grad student and practically everyone in my masters program is engaged, married, or has children. It freaked me out at first because I thought I was really behind everyone. But I realized that everyone was at least 5+ years older then me with a career and etc. 21 is really young to be married. Just wait a few years and enjoy your current relationship. You might not want to marry him later down the line when you grow and mature.

I'm 21 and I really really wanted to get engaged because me and my bf had been together for almost 4 years and two friends of mine who were dating for a shorter time were engaged. I felt like you did for a while but after a couple of months I figured out that I was not ready for that step. There are a lots of things you have to figure out about each other which I believe will take much more than a year.
As others have said getting engaged/married just for the attention is a sure fire way to lead to divorce.

You're only 21!!!!!!!

Relax and enjoy each other....you have PLENTY of time to get married. Seriously.

"Everyone else is doing it" is not a reason to get engaged. Getting engaged for the wrong reasons will just lead to disaster, resentment and heartbreak down the road.
If you love each other, take your time. Why do you need a ring to make it official?

OK hon I hate to say this, but the divorce stats for people getting married under 25 are extremely bad. You REALLY don't want to follow the path your friends are taking - give it a few years and I bet some of them will be divorced.

As you get older, you'll realize how much you needed to learn in order to be a functioning adult in a relationship, let alone a marriage!

Getting engaged is not "cool" or a game to win. It's a serious, lifelong commitment, and marriage is HARD. You must take your time and find the right person - take all the time you can.

Oh Bubbly, you had a good point. A lot of the stuff that I said doesn't help NOW when it's all you can think about.

So to answer the original question: what can I do to make myself believe waiting is the right thing?

Here are some things you can do:

--Make a list of all the things you wish you knew how to do and tell yourself you can't get married until you know how to do all of them (change a flat tire, kickboxing, master the recipe for the world's best chili/stirfry/sugar cookies, etc.)
--Spend time with your grandparents and ask them about their childhoods and their advice about marriage. They know a lot and you will never regret spending more time with them.
--Take all the energy you want to spend planning a honeymood, and plan a solo or girls-only vacation. Then TAKE IT.
--Want to daydream about rings? Start a savings plan and buy something really nice for yourself as an investment. Research it. It's fun to have a goal and feels great when you can reward yourself with a nice set of pearls, a good watch, or a right hand ring. Plus it's a good reminder that your self-worth doesn't depend on a man.
--Spend every holiday with your family only and don't call your boyfriend. Someday you will really miss this when you have to coordinate going to both places.
--Learn about money. Start a 401(k). If you end up getting married, you'll be glad you know how to budget and spend well.
--Ask your church if they have any kind of marriage-readiness class. My church does. It could be fun to learn about yourself.
--Take any kind of class where you can learn more about yourself.

If you've done ALL of these things, and your boyfriend hasn't noticed what an awesome, independent woman he has, well... let's just say I'll bet someone else will have noticed you by that point and you can buy him a copy of Shoulda Put a Ring on It!

Good luck! Learning about yourself and waiting really is worth it, we promise!

It's still time to get what you want its a little too early in your relationship and life to be wanting to walk down the aisle. But hey too each its own.

Haha writing this made me feel great about being single/not married. I'm going to go do some of these things myself right now.

Wow, I can't help but feel like a lot of posters are being awfully mean. She realizes that she can't get engaged at this point because of the various reasons she stated. I'm glad you realize that you need to wait, and are looking for ways to deal with the urge to rush into it. It is natural to want to get married to someone you love, and have obviously talked to about getting married when everyone around you is doing it as well. You may only be 21, but clearly you are smart enough to realize it isn't right for you right this moment. My best advice is to be patient, and realize that you can't make decisions based on what your friends are doing. You have to do what is right for you. You are young, and have plenty of time to get married in a few years -- your young friends who are doing it now won't have a chance to turn back the clock and wait the way you. And they very well may regret it down the line.

My boyfriend and I are both 20 this year and we can't wait to get married. And we've been together for over two years. If we were together married right now I'm confident we would work out as a couple; we're both mature enough. Sounds crazy, I know, but we are. However, we're not rushing into it because we have an equal understanding that not only are we not ready (financially; and we're both still in school etc), but we're confident the other isn't going anywhere so why strap on the old ball and chain if you're crazy in love anyway? No piece of paper or magic ring should make a difference. There's no need to worry. Wouldn't you rather get the beautiful wedding when the time right? When that's going to be, who knows. But time will tell; it always does. Hang in there.

I know 11 divorced couples, and all of them were married between 19 and 22 years of age. Young marriage is no picnic, especially when you want to do it because of peer pressure. Or, as the majority of the couples I knew, to have sex w/o guilt. Anyway, as you grow up, you'll change a lot and what you want now very possibly won't be the same in 5 years. So keep that in mind. Also, your boyfriend has made it clear that he's not ready. Do you really want to push him into marrying you? I think it would suck to feel like the only reason I'm engaged is because I MADE him put a ring on my finger.

I'm going to be your tough-talking sister right now.

Grow up! Engagement isn't something to do because everyone else is doing it. Seriously, is that how you see life? Everyone else is doing it, so I have to? What? The last thing you want is a man "forced into marriage" with you. Guess what? It doesn't last when it happens that way. Turn off the t.v. and stop reading magazines that make you feel as though engagements/marriages are trendy "things to do" and not life commitments that require maturity.

Focus on becoming a well-rounded individual.

You said yourself that you and your boyfriend are deciding to wait for specific reasons. Keep those in mind. It's what makes sense to you, and what makes sense logically.

The advice here is the right thing, just presented a little harshly, I feel. Recognizing that it seems irrational is a good thing. It doesn't make it easier, though. At least in my experience.

As a 25 year old that's been with her boyfriend for 5 years, yes, it's been hard seeing my friends go from meeting someone to getting married all in less time than we've been dating. Sometimes I feel like I missed something -- like they figured out some secret that I don't know. But the fact is (and i have to remind myself of this often), usually they are couples with different priorities than we have. We want to finish separate Masters programs, and that's our priority. For some friends, finishing highschool and starting a family was priority. It's something that I can always see after a while, but it doesn't help in the heat of the moment.

What I will say has really helped me is keeping an open dialogue with my boyfriend about it. When I have the holy-crap-why-haven't-we-done-this-yet freakout it's better for me to tell him than keep it bottled up. It was kind of hard at first. I didn't want to sound like I was more upset that we weren't wedding planning. I don't care about the wedding. What I realized (after many many talks) was that I felt like we weren't on quite the same path, and that bothered me more than not actually being engaged. What was pushing my buttons more when I heard others were getting engaged was that it felt like they had it all figured out after a year or two, and we were still working on it. Silly, I know, because just because people get engaged quickly doesn't really mean they have it all figured out.

Our solution has been to make goals together and really figure out what "getting our ducks in a row" means to us. So while you may want to get engaged because everyone else is doing it, I encourage you to really think about other reasons that you might be feeling the need to get engaged.

Oh, honey. You're 21. When I was your age, I'd been with the same guy for 7 years, and I knew he was the one. He wasn't. You're clearly not mature enough to be considering marriage. Your reasons are incredibly childish. You want to be a bride, not a wife. Being married is not about being the center of attention and being princess for a day.

Wow. Are you really in such a hurry to screw everything up? Let me get this right he is on board with eventually getting hitched, but wants to wait so he can give you everything YOU want.. and that's not good enough.

I truly hope this guy abandons ship, fast. You would make a wretched wife. You remind me of Veruca Salt in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory "I want it NOW!!"

In reading the rest of the comments I'm seeing a lot of "oh, but that's harsh" I refuse to sugarcoat the fact that she is acting like a brat. I'm not going to validate her by giving her a pat on the back and I'm glad that a significant portion of posters aren't going this route.

Sunnyheart has given a LOT of wonderful advice, and I hope the OP attempts some of these things because you really do need to become your own person.

Take it down a notch, sweetie, before you scare this guy away!

Some people are being a little harsh here! I get that sense of almost panic when you do see everyone around you flashing their rings. I am 21 also, my best friend just got married, a lot of other friends are engaged, etc. It's annoying when they haven't been dating as long as you either! Like someone said before, they just have different priorities. At least you are in a serious, committed relationship with the strong prospect of eventually marrying that person. You do seem like a mature adult that realizes her irrational thoughts. I blame this on the girl instincts to settle down and have kids. It's almost impossible to avoid haha. Keep yourself in mind and continue school. Don't sabotage a perfectly good relationship on wanting to be a bride too soon! It will be worth the wait, maybe you will be the one being envied in the future when you have a successful marriage!

Age aside, I can say I have been in a similar situation. Actually, last summer, my "dear sugar" was up here about awaiting an engagement. I know what it is like to be envious of other people getting engaged. If you pressure a guy to marry you, you are already starting on the wrong foot. It is important that BOTH of you are secure in your relationship and ready to take on this huge committment. I think its great that your BF is taking this seriously. Think about it...would you want someone to marry you because they felt like it was something they had to do or would you like someone to committ to you because they feel it is forever. I knwo the waiting game is no fun but I can proudly say that having the peace of mind that my man is SURE of his decision makes me feel secure. He proposed around the holidays and it was worth the wait ) You will have your moment.

Guys, I hear a lot of "I'm 21 also and I'm panicking". Try 29 and add to that wanting to have a baby. If it's not with "the one," it's not worth anything... even if it is, marriage is worth waiting for...

I remember when I was 21, thought I was in love and knew everything...how wrong I was! Luckily, I didn't get my way and didn't get to get engaged and married. I don't mean this critically, but when you are 21, you think you know everything. The reality is, no matter how mature you think you are, and how ready you think you are to get married, most likely you aren't. Sure, people get married at 21 and are happy and stay married, but the fact that you are basing alot of your decision of wanting to get married now on the fact that you see so many of your friends doing it, proves that you have some growing up to do. And no matter if you are 21, 31 or 41, only dating someone for a year, is not a long time, it takes longer than that to really get to know someone. Almost all of the guys I have dated, at the year mark, I would have thought we would get married and it would be great, which is alot of the reason we continued to date. I later realized I was wrong. I know you are not going to like hearing this, but even though you are over 18, you are still a kid in alot of ways. Don't worry, if you two are meant to be, you will be, and that being the case, why not wait? Wouldn't you rather date for another year or so then make a bad decision that only lawyers and $$ can fix?

Not to throw in some psycho-babble here, but a persons brain does not finish fully developing until about age 22-23, and before that time, no matter how mature you are for your age, you can't make completely good decisions because your brain is not finished growing, you just aren't equiped to do that yet. I think that you will be surprised when you look back at your life when you are 26-27 years old, and you will see how much you have changed in those years. The problem is, your changing and his changing as you grow into your mid-20's could make you guys naturally drift apart and want different things. And maybe you will grow and change for the better in your relationship. I had several friends get married around your age, all but one couple is seperated or divorced, and the couple that is together still, honestly, if it weren't for the kids they decided to pop out right away, they probably wouldn't still be together. I know it's hard to read what we have to say and think that some of us who have been there and are now older know exactly how you feel, but trust me, we do, or at least I do...and as AWESOME of an idea as I thought it would be then, I realize now how wrong I was. One day you will look back, reguardless of if you two are still together or not, and will say "They were right".

i think in a few years you'll realize what a waste of time it is to keep thinking about this instead of enjoying your life~! do things that make yourself happy, and be kind to your boyfriend if you love him so much. its going to be more fun when he is ready, he's in charge, and you're surprised!!

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here. Wait. Get to know yourself before you get married. I've changed so much since I was 21. Heck, I'm 26 now and still not ready to get married. I know it seems like everyone around you is getting married... it seems that way to me too. I also know several people I went to school with are already on their second marriage. Sometimes a few more years really is worth the wait.

I think Bubbly and Sunnyheart gave really helpful responses.

I think you know it's not rational to JUST want to get married because everyone else is, however, it's difficult not to feel jealous of something that you don't/can't have. It's normal and natural.

I think writing a list of things to do before getting engaged sounds like a great idea, as is throwing yourself into your friend's wedding plans!

I'm in the same boat really, I'm 23, and I'm still at uni, completing my masters. I KNOW that I can't afford a wedding, a honeymoon and a house, I also know that I want more life experience, I want to travel, and have a stable job before I commit myself. That doesn't mean that I don't wish I was engaged, or living with my partner or whatever sometimes, but it's just not time for me yet, and it sounds like it's not time for you either. Think of how much more satisfying and special it will be, having waited, and done it at the right time, and the right reason, rather than rushing into things.

Boring advice, but it's true! best of luck!

Let me preface by saying: I got married at 21, am still happily married, and don't regret our decision. We also dated for one year before and did not live together.

However, I was lucky. So many of my friends that got married at 21 are on their 2nd and 3rd marriages. I'd venture to say that the percentage is about 75% that are no longer married to the person they were married to at 21.

Be wise. Don't be a lemming. Have a plan; stick to it. When it comes down to it, my relationship with my hubbie wasn't different after we'd said "I do." Just keep nurturing your relationship and it won't matter when you get married...

I just wanted to comment that statistically speaking, the younger you are when you get engaged, the more chance you have of divorcing. I think this is because when you are young you don't entirely know yourself as well as you could yet and you have not experienced a variety of partners, so you do not know who will be the best type of life partner for you. Believe me, when I was 21 I thought I really knew myself well. Guess what? I changed A LOT between then and now (I am 32 now). My taste in men also changed as a result of several long term relationships. So, if he is truly the man you want to be with forever, then a few years will not make any difference. In all of my long term relationships, I have felt that I never really began to know the person until we were together for at least a year and a half. So what happens if you rush into marriage in order to compete with your friends and regret it a couple years down the road? Marriage is not a competition or a way to feel superior to others, it is a serious life long commitment that you should be certain is the right decision. Please consider what I have said.

Chill. Next you'll want a house... a baby.. etc., etc.,

There's a song about this...it's a country song called "You're gonna miss this" and you should listen to it. I am in a similar boat as well. I am 22 and my bf is 25 and we have lived together for 1.5 years. We know we are going to get married someday, just don't know when yet. We have a lot to accomplish before that day. That said, a lot of people I know are getting engaged recently. Two of my coworkers just got engaged. One of them is only 1 year older than me and had only been with her bf for 1 year. The other is 24 and had been with her bf for 8 years. They are constantly showing their rings and talking about wedding planning and sometimes it gets annoying. BUT I know that neither of us are ready to get married just yet. I think the idea of a wedding and a ring is very misleading because that's not what marriage is at all. I know it's hard to see that around you, but just be happy with what you have. At least you have a loving boyfriend who has been long term. Most of my girlfriends are single and are in the (awful) dating scene. Just enjoy your time together now and if you guys are meant to get married it will happen.

Ditto to the majority of the comments above. Though I don't think 21 is too young to get married, you are coming off as a little immature.

You've both agreed that you will be engaged and married someday, so what's the rush? You're going to be together for the rest of your lives, so take this time now to get everything in order to prepare for that life together, at the very least you should wait until the economy is better. At 21, are you both out of college with jobs? Many marriages break up over money matters, and you definitely want to start yours on the right foot.
You're going to be spending an insane amount of money on wedding gifts for your friends, be glad you're not also paying for your own reception. And hey, if you wait, all your friends will be able to buy you better gifts, since they'll have been working longer by then

**that last sentence was meant as a joke**