Well, you need to step back and think a little before you jump to conclusions. Were these e-mails recent? If you didn't open them up..how do you know their contents? You NEED to talk to your boyfriend. You need to tell him that you are sorry you invaded his privacy, but if he is loyal to you he will forget about you invading his privacy and stick to trying to explain himself to you. If you care about him and love him, then you will talk to him about this. I'm sure you will feel stupid if you find out nothing is going on and you just gave up a wonderful relationship. But, you could also find out if he is a lying cheating scumbag and get yourself out now. Goodluck

I say forgive, because it's his fault for leaving his e-mail open (I was being cheated on and found out the same way, and I'm not sorry - it was MY computer and they were sitting right there when I tried to go and check my own e-mail). But it also shows that maybe he doesn't have anything to hide? Why don't you at least ask him about those e-mails? There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation. It sounds like you jumped to a conclusion very quickly.

you did nothing wrong. snooping in a situation like this doesnt matter. if they cheat-then they deserve however they get caught. All is fair in love and war

How do you know that this is a girl that he was cheating on you with? You said you didn't have time to read the emails, so how do you know if this isn't just a boss or a girl that he knows for other reasons? Or even if it's a distant ex? Were the emails *recent*?

If the SUBJECTS weren't all that wholesome (i.e. "Hey Sexy", "I'm Not Wearing Underpants", etc.), then I guess this was a good call. Without looking at the CONTENT though, you can't say for sure. But until you know FOR SURE and/or you have some other physical/emotional proof besides the emails, you might have called this one too early.

These posts are so stupid. Every one is exactly the same. "I snooped, I found something out, I feel bad, I don't want to tell him what I found.." Ugh. Seriously, don't snoop if you're going to say you feel so bad and whatever else. You found something that you believe confirmed your suspicions, and then ran away without asking who that girl was. Maybe someone from work? You have no clue who that girl is. Unless you read an e-mail and it was inappropriate, you have no proof that he is cheating. You were just looking for an escape. I said not forgive, because this post annoyed me.

My best friend found her bf hugging a woman in his car and freaked out on him. She refused to even speak to him again. A couple months later, she found out that it was his half-sister who'd been in town visiting. I don't know many people (men or women) who, if they're cheating, would be dumb enough to leave their computer on and email available for their s/o to read. Either this guy is an idiot or he's got nothing to hide. Since he's been trying to call you, I'd say the latter. Call him and talk to him. Explain why you thought he'd cheated and why you snooped. Listen to his side of things. It could all be a misunderstanding.

Yeah, as much as I'd like to jump to conclusion that he's cheating on you which validated you to run out on him, since you've found the e-mails in the folder and didn't even read them, I can't do so. It may be a huge misunderstanding.

E-mails in the folder may be OLD E-MAILS. It may be when he was dating another woman before he met you, he and the female were e-mailing each other. And OH, what about the possibility that it's from a co-worker or even a female BOSS who was communicating about work hence he put them in the folder (this is a possibility because I put e-mails from my supervisor in a different folder and I also put e-mails from a LONG time ago ex in a different folder when I was just 'organizing' my e-mails in my inbox).

If I were you, since you're so sure that he's cheating on you, cut your losses now. You don't need to freak out every time and then regretting your decision to believe him when he's defending himself that those are old e-mails from an ex or even only a work-related communication.
And if he's in turn, wasn't cheating on you, he also doesn't need someone who's going to freak out on him and be suspicious on everything he says. You guys may not work out as a couple after all.

(Of course, since most post are edited here, I can't also be sure if you've seen the dates/year of the e-mails and if the title of those e-mails are romantic and implicating a current relationship too--might happen--if that's the case, just stay away)

Yeah I agree with MyOwnRules - when my ex was hiding things he was super secretive, had all his email and computer accounts/files password protected, never left anything open. Either he is clueless or genuinely innocent. Talk to him - but follow your gut in the end. I gave the benefit of the doubt and got burned many times.

sorry. Someone has done that to me before and used it to make me suffer through hell. As the result, I would not, ever, forgive anyone who pry into my privacy. I will NEVER forgive meaning, if I am on the death bed and you come to beg, I will say "forget it" and "I want you to know I will never ever forgive you even at death or after" Just remember that.

My point is you have other ways (many other ways) of dealing with your suspicion, the honest and straight forward way. If you pry into my privacy without my permission, I don't care what the excuse you give to legitimize your actions, they are deadly sins that I won't ever forgive. The moment you trespass that boundary, we are no longer friends and I mean for life.
P.S. I hate it also when companies do that.

When my ex was cheating on me he had EVERYTHING password protected, he saved no chat histories and his email was locked down completely. I had access to nothing (I'm smart though - I used some shell scripts to get around his lockdowns and found out and LEFT) or so he thought.

You are totally overreacting here though. Man. You didn't even read the content? How do you know it wasn't his folder for an ex-girlfriend or his MOTHER or his SISTER or a FRIEND? I mean geez, you are totally off the hook here for reacting like you did.

You need to like... find out what the emails said by getting back together with him and THEN READING THEM PROPERLY or you need to be honest with him and say you snooped and then leave.

Either way - wtf, this is a waste of my time.

You have no evidence. Of cheating, it could be a million explanations, but if you don't feel like going through wondering, then just move on.

The same thing happened to me and my last boyfriend. I had been living with him for more than a year and dating him a bit longer than that. I moved to go to graduate school but we had decided to continue the relationship since he frequently visited my town for his job. I knew his passwords and emails by chance since we lived so long together, but never checked his email. After living apart I began to sense something changed in our relationship. He seemed distant and it was not the relationship I had envisioned after I moved. I checked his email and found tons of incriminating things... he was actively looking for women. I put up with it for three months because I really needed his support knowing no one in the new city. Eventually I read that he actually invited a girl to spend the night at his house. I told him all I learned and broke it off.

I don't think your situation is one that needs to be closed by him or yourself forgiving what you did. Instead, this should be a learning experience for you, as it was for me. I repeated the act in my new relationship a few months in and my new boyfriend was kind enough to forgive me, but I've learned how much it has the possibility to destroy a perfectly good relationship. I now trust my intuition and either choose to trust my boyfriend or not trust my boyfriend. Bottom line... reading your email will either kill your relationship because you discover something or because you kill the relationship with your lack of trust and guilt. In the end, reading the email or not reading the email in a relationship you have to choose to trust your boyfriend.

Tell him or don't tell him, do whatever you think will make you happy, but really, his reaction is irrelevant. The relationship is over.

I have a story similar, except I'm on the other end...being the girl in the email. I think you should answer his phone calls, b/c he could have a valid explanation. I know from my situation, (and I really hope I'm not the girl with your guy! I doubt it b/c I've met the girlfriend) he and I email whilst at work, mostly out of boredom. It's purely friend-like emails: how's your day, doing anything fun for superbowl, etc. I have no intention of being with him and vise versa, so the gf has nothing to worry about. So even though there are a lot of emails from another girl, maybe you should get the whole story.

I was with my x for 3 years, and knew nothing would ever be hidden from me. But it was AFTER i looked into his emails and his myspace that he started fessing up to having girls send him nude pictures of themselves. Vice sa to say, I was frantic. I had to talk to this girl MYSELF to have her back off from my relationship, because he was too kind hearted.
I feel that looking through things of his is your parogative. If i hadnt, he would have never told me.
If you feel suspicious of his actions, he needs to be a man and tell you all that is going on. Or else he is going to find out the hard way.
I would expect my bf to do the same for me.
But let this be a learning experience. And dont assume anything, ever.
Because the results after he explains could be entirely different than what you thought was going on.

You sound totally insane.

WTF??? This woman could be ANYBODY. She could be from 8 years ago - did you even look at the dates?

WTF is up with you running away and not even talking this out with him? Are you for real?

You need to chill, grow up, and handle your emotions about a million times better than this.

Sadly, I probably would have snooped as well. I always think women should trust their instincts about this kind of thing. You probably should have stayed and talked to him though, not run away.

Forgive. But I agree with the ladies...how do you know what he has or has NOT been doing if you didn't read the content of the email? I think you should talk to him in person...don't give him a chance to get rid of the emails. If, he isn't doing anything wrong, he shouldn't have any problem showing you the email folder.

Sigh. I don't know what to say.

babysoftpink -- i agree 100%. to me there is NO excuse for anyone to sift through someone's private files they didn't intend for anyone else to see, it's a disgusting invasion of privacy. even if they ARE cheating -- invasion of privacy in any form is always beyond off limits to me. i never forgive people who snoop through my sh*t without permission either, see i get mad just talking about it haha.

I think you can be forgiven. Some temptations are very hard to resist.

That being said, I agree with the others. You need to listen to his explanation. At the very least, he needs to know that you found out that he's cheating and THAT is why you walked out - if he WAS cheating, he may think twice about it with someone else!

I think there could be heaps of possibilities outside of him cheating. I think you should trust him a little more if you love him as much as you say.

That being said, if you've been hurt in the past, I know how hard this is to do. Best of luck! hopefully it's just a misunderstanding!

if you seek you will find. Sorry, the only reason you're convinced you found proof that he was cheating on you is because you wanted to. What you found proves nothing, but it doesn't matter anyway because even if he was faithful this relationship is over - you can't date someone you can't trust, and he won't want to date an insecure paranoid psycho either.

Forgive. If he is cheating you deserve to know. I agree with those who said that cheaters are very careful and would not leave the email or computer open. My ex would move faster than lightening to close his email when I walked in the room so I couldn't see who he was talking to. You should have read the emails but since you didn't you owe to yourself to ask him about it. Do not by any means move in with a man you don't feel right about or trust. Moving in together will only complicate things.

I normally always pick forgive; I figure it's up to God; we aren't in the situation to forgive or not to forgive. We honestly shouldn't judge anyone. Now, if someone has done something to us that violates are trust that's a different matter. I know I picked unforgive for something, and I still thought to myself wasn't my place to judge an individaul.

I rarely read DearSugar...but how many times are we going to get these snooping questions. I know all of us think snooping is wrong, and we would never do it. *sigh tired of the same old questions, sorry*

*oops* "...thought to myself it wasn't my place...." I left out the word 'it'.

I say forgive to snooping, because I've done it before (heh) - BUT, you aren't even 100% sure if he's cheating on you. He could just be super organised, and keep emails from girls from years back, or possibly they're just friends. Were there folders with guy's names too? You're not a very good snooper!

You shouldn't have snooped, but why would you still like the guy? Actually, I don't think it means he doesn't love you at all, but he's gotta break a heart either way. Better to get out and not be the one to be taken by surprise.

Wait a minute... I guess we don't know what all you did see, but I think you really jumped to conclusions. It might be an ex, or a cousin or something; my cousins and I email a lot back and forth, and I tend to keep family stuff like that. Also, keeping stuff from an ex, as long as it isn't an unhealthy attachment to it, is ok; for better or worse, exes help form who we become, and good memories can still exist even after a breakup that he might want mementos of. I think you should accept one call and hear him out. If he can prove a valid explanation, you need to re-think the communication in your relationship. Forgive for the snooping; not forgive for jumping to conclusions without asking for an explanation.

Listen, you don't need to feel guilty at all. Take it from me, I did the same thing to my ex-girlfriend. She was emailling some dude and it turned out she was cheating.
HOW ELSE WERE WE TO FIND OUT? maybe snooping into emails is wrong but it was totally in self-defense?
I felt guilty about it too but then i just think about what would have happened if i didnt do it... She'd still be leading me on!
I forgive you and I hope you will find strength.

Well if you're going to look, you should have at least confronted him instead of running out the back door without any explanation.

Nothing good will ever come of snooping.

Mind your own business next time. Where's the trust?

Usually when you snoop, you find exactly what you're looking for. Don't be upset when you find it and grow some balls and talk to your boyfriend.

BRAVO, karlotta - I am with you!
WTF? How immature can you be? You saw a folder full of email from a girl that you didn't even read and have managed to jump to the conclusion that he is cheating on you with her. You don't even know who she is....
If you aren't mature enough to discuss this with your BF like the adult you are supposed to be, then this relationship isn't worth your time or HIS time.

I'll forgive ya. But, you cant be sure that they're evidence of him cheating. I have a bunch of emails in a folder from my ex-bf... we bought furniture together and I need to save the emails in case he defaults on the loan. That's it - I dont even call/text/facebook him anymore, and my boyfriend knows it.

Seriously, him asking YOU to move in doesnt sound like he's cheating - it would make it that more difficult for him to sneak around.

I think you need to talk to him.

Howw could u possibly know every female friend and family member that he knows and rule out that it was any of them after being in a relationship for SIX months?

You saw a folder. Nothing else. It could have been pictures she emailed him for all you know. I feel that if you are bold enough to snoop, you should be bold enough to stand up and asj about what you have found. Snooping comes from a place of mistrust, if you don't truast him why be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you were looking for any out you could get because you were already unhappy when you moved in.

Don't be a puss, confront him. admit what you did, let him explain and take it from there.

I kept waiting for the end of this story to be, "so it turns out his cousin blahblah emails him once a week to keep in touch there were really close growing up but now that she went to college out of state..."

I also imagine the BF paying the pizza guy as she runs past with "tears in her eyes" and him thinking but.. but.. I ordered pizza!

You need to talk to your guy. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 10 months and I check his email regularly... Not because I don't trust him, I just get the junk out of his account. He likes to keep all the emails I send to him (I think he's weird).

We have a strong sense of trust between us. plus I think he's a little afraid of me walking out on him - I can get really cold. I've walked out without looking back before, and between you and I, I can easily do it again. Of course, with some Beyonce and Destiny's Child on my playlist I have support.

Communication and honesty is the most important factors in a relationship. Trust comes with these two.

Sadly, this is happening to me now too. I have not snooped because i dont have his password, and he makes sure he logs out of everything when i use his computer. I thought of a lot of ways to hack his email...trust me its not pretty, but i decided not to because i dont have the gut to face the truth yet.
He has been acting pretty cold and distant. I know he is on email all the time, but he does not reply my email anymore. He reconnected with a girl he liked (before he met me, he was interested in a girl who had a boyfriend, but now she adn the boyfriend broke up so she is available again), and he even told me they have been "corresponding" through email again, but of course he says she is just a friend, like a little sister, she is fun and and he likes her as a friend. I saw a text message from her one time, she was asking whether he likes the picture she sent him. 2 days later, when i checked again, he deleted the text message. And he also deleted everything from his outbox. I do believe i have reasons to be suspicious cause he does not text me or email me anymore (he used to do that a lot), a woman knows when her man's heart is not there anymore.
I dont know what to say, i think the best thing to do is to move on....why bother finding out the truth if someone's heart is not there anymore?

forgive....

Hi have to say, this is more or less happening to me also...

He had been acting weird with me, just not as it used to be. I'd known his password for a while (he didn't know this) but i'd never checked his facebook before. But i couldn't handle it anymore. Once i checked i straight away found an ongoing message from a girl (who was also in a relationship). My bf had been saying to her she's gorgeous and that he's going away for the weekend and she should keep him company...all stuff like that...

Im pretty sure he hasn't cheated, and i know he couldn't have seen her that weekend. But nevertheless it's horrible. Is it just harmless flirting?

I saw him at the weekend and made up a story that my friend had found emails of her bf and that she was really upset etc... it was obvious that he was onto me as the next day he changed his password...

What do i do!? everyone flirts but is that too much?? PLEASE help

Too bad you left and didn't print out the whole file to review later on at home without him knowing to be sure. If it was indeed cheating you could have kept him ignorant and forwarded emails to her as if it was him. Let her get stood up while you're on you're both away for a big weekend together. Before you let him know tell him how much you love him and have him pay for a nice big weekend in San Fransisco, or Hawaii, or London. London would be good. Have him max out a few credit cards in his name on clothes for you at Harrods. After you get back write his girlfriend sorry. That she was all a big mistake.

My boyfriend and i started seeing eacother in march... he has a ex girlfriend that is crazy. he says she isnt his ex but she says they were. We started hooking up in march. He went to vegas where this "ex" lives in april and may and i found out through snooping that he was hooking up with her. He got mad at me for snooping and told me that we were not officially dating and the "ex" pressuered him into it. Also in july she has sent him a naked picture of herself and he emailed her back, saying thankyou. i found this out by snooping aagain.? he doesnt trust me with his privacy but am i really in the wrong. She recently sent him another email of pics of her and her friends saying " kisses love you and miss you " and he deleted it right away and then got another one but he kept the pictures and put them in her email folder. which has all naked pics of herself. and still has naked pics of her on his computer... what should i do? am i in thw wrong for snooping ? how do i confront him ? please help me