You have to tell him. You said you know he'd stay with you.. well, let him make that decision. Just because you think he'll do one thing doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to make the decision himself. Not once in this post have you mentioned true remorse, other than being afraid your husband will feel insecure about his sexual capabilities.

Let him make the decision himself. If you feel guilty now, imagine holding this in on your wedding day, on anniversaries, when (if) you have children.

Tell him. Tell him now, come clean, answer all of his questions and never ever see the other man again. If you tell him then there is a chance (a small chance) but still a chance for you two to move forward, if you dont tell him and he finds out then you're just going to look even worse. You dont deserve him but this is his choice to make so let him make it.

If you dont think he'll find out then you are going to be very disappointed. Everyone is loyal to someone and I highly doubt the man you had an affair with is very loyal to you. He will tell someone, someday and they will tell someone else and it will come back to haunt you.

Tell him.

Oh, and GET TESTED! NOW! For EVERYTHING. Dont even THINK about touching your fiancee until you get tested!

I wouldn't tell him. Your guilt is your burden and the consequence for your actions.

However, I would think very carefully about whether you should marry your fiance. Why are you cheating? My experience is that people who are happy in their relationships do not cheat.

Calling off an engagement is hard, but being unhappily married is even harder, as is divorce. Really dig deep inside yourself and ask yourself what you want.

Do your fiance a favor . . .don't tell him about the affair but break up with him. Say, "I'm an awful, selfish person, and I'm not ready to be married to you or anyone else. I'm sorry."

You go and have an affair with a guy that is everything sexually that your fiance is not.Yeah good luck explaining that one and getting any forgivness.Wouldn't it have been easier and much less hurtful if you just talked to him about it instead of lowering yourself by being intimate with a so called aquaintance?

Yes you should definitely tell him because he has a right to know and after you are done I hope he realizes that you don't love him in spite of what you say and he sends your happy a$$ packing.

I agree with Fallen, I think that you have to tell him because it will just come out at some point. And whatever you do, do not marry this man if you do not intend on telling him because your future will be based on lies. Honestly, I don't think he is the right man for you if you feel the need to turn to his friend for sexual satisfaction. I feel bad for the guy but I think he deserves to know the truth.

Any time someone in a relationship cheats, they chip away at the foundation of that very relationship. If you have any respect left for your fiance, come clean and let him decide.

girl, i know exactly what you are going through. everyone is saying that you dont love him but you do...maybe youre confused, as i am, but you love him. im just as confused as you are. i cheated on the most wonderful man (which i have never even considered in my entire life) but it happened. I am stuck in the same place you are...going through hell and back. im so confused that i looked up "should i tell him?" on google, which may sound pretty pathetic but i feel so alone i couldnt help it...i cant even talk to my sister (who is my best friend). my man is in the military and i feel so ashamed to be another one of those girls. i would really apreciate feed back from you. and i know this may be inpersonal and maybe a little random, but i promise im not some weirdo. im just sad, ashamed, guilty AS f*ck and i dont know where else to go...thankyou for helping me feel not so alone.

Don't tell him. He doesn't need to know this. You need to break-up. Grow up and for once put someone besides yourself first and end the relationship. Luisa is right. You are not ready to be married. Let him find a woman he deserves.

I would not like to be dumped and think that it was something I did .. all the while, my fiance is hiding an affair and I'm begging him to reconsider and "What did I do?" Yeah - hearing you were cheated on will hurt too.. but at least you're not completely in the dark about why the sudden breakup for an engagement

Do not tell him.

My feeling on cheating is that it is extremely selfish to tell the other person and the only reason to do so is for you to feel less guilt. It is going to make him feel terrible (there aren't enough words to describe how crappy he is going to feel) and you only relieved. It will add tons of stress to your relationship even if he does forgive you and will make him extremely insecure (esp if he already is) with a lot of things (not only sexually). I see no reason to come clean.

You need to live with the consequences and bearing this guilt for eternity is just that.

brittb7 said it PERFECTLY. It doesn't matter if you are 100% certain your fiance will react a certain way. That is NOT your decision to make. If you don't tell him, that is the equivalent of manipulating him into the marriage IMHO, b/c he will be marrying you without all the facts about your relationship. Don't be selfish and just tell him b/c you're afraid it will come out at some point...do the right thing even if it means hurting yourself. That called caring about other people. I also agree with brittb7's second comment. It's better to hurt a person by telling them than to lie to them forever, whether you just go ahead and break up with him or not.

And about getting married...obviously you aren't ready to get married. You aren't completely happy in your relationship or you wouldn't have looked outside it for anything. If your fiance does decide to try to work things out with you, you need to figure out what is missing from the relationship and how to fix it way before you get married. If he does try to forgive you, y'all probably need to either call off or delay the wedding to figure this stuff out first.

I'm with popgoestheworld. Keep your mouth shut. And figure out why you're cheating. Act accordingly.

I cheated once on my husband. I told him shortly after (about 2 months later). Telling him does nothing but helps yourself and hurts him. If it was a one-time thing that will NEVER happen again, DON'T TELL HIM.

It's been years and we've both worked through everything but even now any mention of infidelity on t.v. makes us cringe.

I asked him receintly if I should have told him or kept it to myself and he said that for him he would have been happier not knowing but that I would not have been able to stay in the relationship knowing that I was lying to him. He's right.

Yeah, he should find out from you not from some grapevine, and if this bloke you talking about is rather shady, one day it'll leak and it'll come bite you.

And make sure you're clean too (no STI, etc from the affair). Since you claim he'll stay anyway, then heck, why not tell him and then maybe work stuffs out. Maybe some realizations will be..realized and cr@p, I dunno. Maybe it'll be the most awesome breakthrough in your relationship ever and you'll get over your guilt, he'll get over your cheating, and everyone will live happily ever after.

But marrying him without telling him is bull. Don't marry him before you've worked it out and ready for marriage, too many divorces nowadays and you don't want to be one in the statistics.

I mean, if the fiancee is so tremendous, I wonder why you cheated on him in the first place. I may be the weirdest most uptight in the world, but I refuse to believe that it's an 'oops' mistake. It's so easy to avoid being in any compromising position as well when you're engaged/committed. Cheating's a conscious decision even when people are claiming they've been drinking before they cheated.

Do not tell him. You will just be laying your guilt onto his shoulders, where as you will feel relief he will gain the burden.

You made a mistake, Live with it and forgive yourself.

WAY to play on your fiance's insecurites. Cheating with a man that [to you] is everything that he isn't...AND he's an acquaintance, so it's not like your fiance doesn't KNOW he can't stack up to this guy. Maybe your fiance has even thought about this situation, you cheating with this guy. It's like his worst nightmare come true.

You may *think* he will totally forgive you, but I wouldn't hedge any bets on that. If he's so insecure with himself, telling him would only enhance his insecurites all the way throughout your marriage. Do you want to live with that? And I'm pretty sure he will ALWAYS hold it over your head. Maybe he will forgive you, but he definitely will not forget it!

I agree with luisamapacha, except I would tell him. Tell him you cheated [and tell him he needs to get tested! He deserves to know at least that much; at least care enough to protect both his and your health!], and then explain that you're selfish and just not ready to be settled and married - because you're not. Cheating in the slightest indicates SERIOUS problems in the relationship, and it doesn't make any sense to keep up the charade.

It's hard to say. On one hand he should know. On the other mistakes happen. I would go to a therapist and see why you did it, and try and fix your conflicts with yourself. Like others have said, telling him wont do anything but make you feel less guilty, and make him feel like sh*t. It really comes down to what you feel is right. Plus, if you slept with his friend, then imagine what will happen to their friendship.

I'm surprised that one one has mentioned this but here goes. If you both know this guy you cheated with, whos to say that he (or someone he told the affair about) won't tell you bf anyway? I feel that at least if you came clean the information would be coming from you and not some third party (or even the "superior guy"). I think the BF should decide what he wants to do (and totally agree that you should get yorself tested for STDs ASAP!).

Also, just curious (and not snarky), I am wondering about the people who said don't tell and move on. What if you found out your bf/husband/SO had sex with someone else? Like what if you found out your husband had sex with the stripper on the night of his bachelor party or the cute barista at Starbucks? It was only that one time, so you would prefer not to know (or find out a year later from someone else)?

The f*ck is? Lady do your fiance a favor and break it off. If you can cheat on him now before marriage with an acquaintance no less, there's no telling when you're going to cheat on him again. If the man isn't pleasing you now, it's not going to change when you get married. So let him go and leave him alone. He doesn't deserve someone like you.

smack, my hubby doesnt go to strip bars or starbucks.....that said if he did have an affair...I dont want to know, Now i would want to know if it was a continuing one, because that is a whole separate thing than a one time mistake.

Cheating isnt an end to a relationship or marriage, you can work through it if the person knows or doesnt know.

I never said cheating is an absolute end, I just feel everyone in the ralationship has the right to make up their minds about it. I've know couples who got past it and I've know couples who didn't. I just feel everyone involved has the right to know what they are getting into.

I like the discussions that I see on this site. It strikes the right balance of honesty, intelligence, whimsy, and raunchiness with a baseline of respect for other posters. I like it.

I broke off my engagement since I found myself in a similar position. Trust me, this is just the root of a bigger problem. I feel that if you are truly happy in a relationship, you can NOT do something like this to the other person. So I ended it quickly. Since then I have found the man of my dreams and life is so much better. My ex-fiance and I have both moved on and it's for the better! He has found someone that makes him happier than I could make him, and I am very glad that I made this decision. It was hard to see from inside the relationship, but now that we've moved past it.. I see so many things that were wrong with it.

Still, ending my engagement was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn't feel like either of us deserved to be in the type of relationship we were in.

I think that you should admit to yourself that this is not the guy. Just because you love the man to death emotionally is not enough. He sounds more like a combination of a brother that becomes your life-partner to me. You will end up hurting him and you more in the future, if you continue. God help you if you have children together before one of you finds the "real" love of their lives, or you start hating each other.

Okay, all the comments about NOT TELLING him are plain ridiculous. I guess that LYING in a relationship is acceptable then, right? Because that's exactly what you're doing. This is a person that you 'claim' to love. How the heck is NOT TELLING him showing him any respect or dignity??? Yeah, of course it's going to hurt him. But the fact is that you KNEW it would hurt him and you DID it anyways. Take responsibility for your actions and show some remorse. Plus since your SO confident he will forgive you and stay with you, telling him shouldn't be a problem, right? The point is, you weren't thinking about how you would hurt him while you were having sex with this 'friend'. So don't try to chicken out and not tell him because you're suddenly concerned about his feelings. He deserves to know what kind of person he's engaged to...someone unfaithful.

If you tell him, he may forgive, but he'll never forget. It'll eat away at him, unless perhaps you're both willing, and able to work through it. If you break up with him abruptly with some lame excuse about how you're not ready when things seemed great. He'll know. There's that gut feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you why. If you truly love each other (and no, I'm not talking about the feeling you get from eating chocolate or ice cream), I'm talking about, if you truly love each other to the point where wedding vows are actually significant. Then you can work through this. Your choice in the end on what to do. Once you make it, then your choice whether or not to carry out that choice. After you do, it's best you stick by it and live with it.

Why are you engaged to this person in the first place? If you can't work out your problems sexually, and the first thing you do is look elsewhere, WHY would you tie yourself to this person for life? Please, break off your engagement. I really don't think you should get married. Confess your affair, and talk about how you don't think you're a good match in the bedroom - and also that you need to personally work on taking relationships more seriously. It sounds like you're a terrible communicator and that's what got you into this mess.

"I'm 100 percent certain that he will forgive me, so I worry that the only reason I want to tell him is to reduce my own guilt."

Telling him would be selfish, unless there is a risk of an STI, in which case you MUST MUST MUST tell him. The comments seem to be split but I am of the opinion that if it was a one time thing and you know it was a mistake, then don't tell him. I have been cheated on and in all honesty, I would rather have not known. However, if you are sure that your fiancé is not the one, get out now before it gets worse. You have to live with the consequences and don't tell him just to lessen your guilt.

I would say tell him. My fiance recently broke up with me and at the time it was for NO reason at all, I just came back from visiting family and he was "done." We hadn't been fighting or having major problems or anything. He finally broke down and told me a reason- he was going through a lot and wanted to get out of the city he lives in, but apparently did not want me, his future wife, to go with him. I cried and didn't eat and was screwed up for about 2 weeks, I didn't even leave the house, all I could think about was waiting for him to want me back and us to get back together.

Come to find out (from his mother, no less) he had gotten a new girlfriend while I was visiting family, and that is why we broke up. Knowing that the break up was not a result of something I did, or me not being good enough, allowed me to get on with my life and get back in school and all that. Yes, it's going to hurt him to find out that you cheated, especially with someone who is the opposite of him in bed, but if he's fabulous as to 100% forgive you for cheating, I think it would hurt him more if you just randomly ended the relationship and didn't tell him what was going on. You also really need to evaluate whether or not you're ready to get married.

If the affair is over and you want to work it out with your fiance then don't tell him. Deal with the guilt. If you are certain he would take you back, all you will do it hurt him.

Why would you marry someone you are not sexually compatible with in the first place? It seems to me like your lack of communication regarding your sexual dissatisfaction is just as big of an issue here. Does he have any idea you are not sexually satisfied? Seriously.

Should you tell him or not, I honestly don't know, I would lean towards telling him. You should not marry him, however, because after you do tell him, NEITHER of you will be happy. 100% sure he will forgive? Don't be so sure. Every time he has sex with you, he will wonder if you are satisfied, and it will eat at him...I really don't see a happy future with this guy for you no matter what you decide to do.

Let him go and find someone more compatible for you. Let him find someone who appreciates him.

If you loved him you would have not did what you did. I think you should tell him he has a right to know who and what he's dealing with. It's better you hear it from you than him. Made your bed lay in it.

Would you want to know?

Now, since you're busy lying to yourself, let me give you a hint: Yes, you would.

I personally, would not want to know. and thats the truth. blissfully ignorant is okay with me.

i agree with the other posters here who are telling you to decide if he is actually the one you want to marry. if you are serious about this guy, i really feel like somewhere between the flirting and actual penetration you would have realized what you were doing and stopped it from progressing further.

I think you have to tell him. The whole marriage thing is until death do us part, so you don't need to go into it with deception and guilt between you - it's hard enough as it is! And especially since the guy you cheated with is 'everything your fiance is not' and is a mutual acquaintance. If you don't air it out and deal with it it will come up later, and he needs to decide how he will treat you and that acquaintance in the future.

You should ask yourself this: do you love your fiance, do you truly want to be with him and is he the man for you? I'm not going to judge you. You shouldn't label what you did as right or wrong, you should only think the consequences of your actions. Then, you should answer this question: Why did you sleep with another man? Out of lust, confusion, weakness, vanity? Maybe because you are having seconds thoughts on your relationship with your fiance? Maybe because you can't commit to only one man for the rest of your life? You should be honest with yourself first before deciding to be honest with him cause if you tell your fiance the truth these are some questions that will need to be answered. But most importantly you should try to understand what it is you really want, leaving right/wrong/morals aside. That would do you no good. Answer that and then you can decide whether to tell him or not.

Monogamy isn't for everyone and that's not a bad thing but you should find out if it is for you. Now, I don't know about you but with my husband I had had various conversations on how we would like for the other to act in case of infidelity. He told me that he would like for me to be honest with him, tell him the truth. He wouldn't like to live his life based on lies. I told him the same thing. If you ever had a conversation like that maybe that could point you to the right direction. Don't beat yourself up. It happened, deal with it, be honest with yourself and your needs, don't let others dictate what is right and wrong for you. The only person that is certain we're going to spend the rest of our lives with, is our self. Be certain that you don't have unfinished business with yourself first. Best of luck!

You cheated on your 'FIANCE'?? Hello! Red flag! Something is missing from your relationship. Plain and simple.

If you can't get pass this, leave him. If you tell him, it probably will never be the same ever again. He won't eve forget (just as every memory is never forgotten). It's going to eat away at him. I still have occasionally sleepless nights, and I'm sure some may agree, the bitterness lasts for a long time. If you tell him, be prepared for it to end. Just because you're certain he will forgive you, doesn't mean he will. That's just what you think. Noone really completely knows someone else. I thought I did, I was wrong.

I agree with the above post you are selfish and don't deserve this man and should not marry him. Your not even married and cheating on him, that tells me you have more than just a sexual relationship problem, he deserves better.

You have to tell him the truth and except the consequences of your actions. I'm not going to you that you're selfish and you should be guilty, however you must tell your fiancee' every he wants to know.

My question is are you happy with your fiance in the bedroom? did you cheat on him because cold feet or you just aren't satisfied. Your fiance may be everything you want on paper, but truely he migh be missing something that's important to you. I don't think it's a decision you want to follow from this blog, your friends or your family member, but yourself. Wether you tell him or not, i think it's all going to come out of water soon (seen it and been there) So just be fair to him since he is such a wonderful man. And be fair to you since i heard divorce is painful and expensive.

ok so cheating is bad when u r with someone!!! duh..but i have a problem..uh me and my ex have been seperated for 2 yrs ,we still hang out ,have sex, tell eachother we still love eachother..BUT i am told over and over we arent dating and we will never get back together.. ..is it wrong for me to sleep with someone else..? and why do i feel so guilty..should i tell my ex or leave it alone bcz he doesnt want a relationship...im single arent i???im soo confused...i feel so guilty like im cheating...but he doesnt want anything but friendship...

Whether or not you know he will forgive you is irrelevant. He needs to know. He deserves to know. And he has the right to make that decision himself. I say all of this from personal experience. I recently confessed to my husband that I cheated on him a little over a year ago. Like you, I struggled with the decision to tell him or not. I too went online trying to get advice on the subject. I'd say at least 75% of people said that if I wasn't ever going to do it again (which I'm not), then not to tell him. It would have been very easy for me to listen to that 75%, but what I realized was that these people on the internet was not who I should be seeking guidance from. I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but for me, I realized I should be seeking guidance from God, not from strangers. And when I went that route, the answer was perfectly clear to me. I really feel telling him is what God wanted me to do. But I was very lucky. My husband is someone that the good Lord blessed with a very forgiving heart. Now our marriage is stronger than ever, and I am so glad I confessed. Living a lie for the rest of my life wouldn't have been good for either one of us. And when I asked him if he'd have rather me not told him, his answer was a clear cut "NO". He said that what I said to him (I told him that I realized it was his right to make the decision as to whether or not he wanted to stay with me) was exactly right. I realize not every man will react the way my husband did, and that not all of us will be as lucky as I was, but regardless, the cheatee has a right to know.

I know you're not married yet, but the result is the same. Living a marriage, entering into a marriage, under false pretenses...no difference. Lying is lying, cheating is cheating. If you love him, you have to be honest. Otherwise neither of you will ever be truly happy.