Dear Sugar,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months. We were friends and co-workers for a few months before he asked me out, and everything has been amazing so far. However recently, I started noticing changes in his behavior and things have been a little rocky between us. He seems to have less and less time for me and I feel as if I've been bumped to number three or four on his list of priorities. He is a wonderful man and I know I can trust him completely, but I just don’t know what to do when I feel as if he's lost interest in me.
I have spoken to him about this in the past, but it always leads to fights (I have a tendency to get emotional and blame him), which is why he now shuts down completely when I even broach the subject. I am very afraid of losing him and I don’t know if this is a big issue or if I am just making it one. Please help. — Second Best Sadie
To see DearSugar's answer read more
Dear Second Best Sadie,
Feelings fluctuate in all relationships and it's very easy to read too much into them, but you're not making a big deal out of this if his actions are hurting your feelings or making you doubt your relationship. It sounds like the honeymoon period is over but that shouldn't automatically make you his third or fourth priority. Since you're taking that as a sign that he's losing interest, I'd talk to him ASAP. You know you can be emotional so try to be as matter of fact as you can. You don't want to smother him, but you need to find out where he stands in this relationship so you have a fair understanding of his expectations, and vice versa.
Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully with a good old heart to heart, you and your boyfriend will be able to get your relationship back on track. Good luck.
Givenchy
Tommy Hilfiger
Alexander McQueen
Try talking to him again using "I" messages. Rather than attack/blaming him with "You", state how you feel. Try "I feel not important right now" instead of "You aren't paying enough attention to me."
Also, when people hear "you are doing this to me" they shut down emotionally and put up all their defenses! Not very constructive communication.
1The honeymoon is over but now's the time for the real work of the relationship to began. Sometimes people won't always have time to do things with their SO, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself and attacking him, go out more and socialize with your friends so that way you won't have to feel left out by him and then enjoy the times that you guys have together when you're both able to.
2Totally agree with TidalWave.
I don't blame you; that sounds a lot like me. I get very emotional as well and when you're in the heat of the moment you don't stop to think what the other person might be feeling. When guys hear a lot of "you"s they do tend to shut down; they get insecure, too. So the next time you try to talk this out (which you must ASAP--without being too pushy of course), apologize for your past behavior, be gentle and just remind him that you love him and you want to make things work. You've just been lonely.
Good luck.
3TidalWave did you happen to read Family Ties that Bind us? Lol, it says EXACTLY what you said!
4Like tidal wave said...stay away from being critical. Guys tend to lock up and get extremely defensive, as a response to women being naturally critical. It would probably go better in such conversations if you use techniques such as "It makes me feel ___ when [you - careful how you direct it though, tone and mood included]." Try to direct it towards your feelings, may sound manipulative, but it's not really.
If you want, read Verbal Judo...recommend it to everyone actually. Good officers use some of the techniques included...basic mediation techniques.
5first of all you cannot put complete blame on someone and get emotional all the time and expect them to want to have a full conversation with you, when they know it will just lead to a fight. with that said... if you feel like he isn't making time for you or you feel like he's losing interest and he doesn't care to work on that or give you reasons why, then you really need to reevaluate this relationship. why would you want to stay with someone when you constantly think you arent important to them or that they are losing interest in you? it will drive you crazy and will constantly cause fights over the same things.
6Lovely_1, No i have never read that. I got my information out of the book From Panic to Power, which has really helped me in a lot of ways. The book you mentioned sounds good too!
7Maybe you should try writing it down to get a better understanding before coming to him with your issues.
8I think you should get your emotions together. I think maybe you should try writing him a letter explaining all your concerns and asking him to write back. This can help you avoid being overly emotional about the issue and blaming him. Of course this will only push him away further. When you write, you think and have a cool head and can also reword things to better communicate to him and if you wrote something that you shouldn't have, you can always go back to change it...this definitely avoids saying the wrong things that you can't take back in a verbal argument.
9Yea it is. Really helps to understand you're family of orgin and how that effects how you grow up and your relationships with people later in life.
10Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.