Having children together can either bring you closer or drive a wedge between you. I don't think being married will effect that.

I said bad idea only because I think it would be a bad idea for me personally. I'm not in any hurry to have kids, and therefore definitely want to wait until well after I am married. However, it might work for some people, and if so, then that is just great

I see no problem with it. I know plenty of people who have and everything is fine. Being married isnt everything and it sure as hell is not a guarantee

staying together just for the sake of a marriage is the wrong reason to stay together. you should stay in a relationship (marriage, civil union, whatever) because you love someone, not because you're legally bound to them and there's a risk of them taking half of your money away. i think having children is terribly romantic, whether you're married or not. the fact that my parents are married doesn't matter to me, it's the fact that they're still IN LOVE that inspires me.

"love is all you need."

marriage is just a piece of paper. commitment, mutual love and respect is all that matters.

It is fine. But if you start having them before you are divorced then sorry you are a tart for doing that (and since dear has mentioned hollywood we all know who that is)

I also know people who get divorce after the kids have their own lives also. I think sometimes you focus on the kids and you forget both of you have changed so much. You need to be very careful there. Kids can help you feel closer but it also takes the focus off things that need to sorted out.

A couple need to make that commitment to each other before starting family. Not that it couldn't work having kids first but I'm a bit of an old fashioned gal. Traditions are there for a reason...

3 out of 4 marriages end up in a divorce these days. So a ring on your finger does'nt mean a steady relationship...

Marriage is only a social convention, it doesn't mean anything to me. If you feel well/close enough to your partner to have children with him/her, that's what significant for me.
My parents only married to make my grandma stop ranting (not that it helped), they already had a child. More than 30 years later they still have the most amazing relationship I can think of.

I said other. It's a personal decision. I am married, but do not have any children. I decided to wait. The problem is that I also decided to wait until 31 to get married. Now I feel like I am on some crash course with time to have kids (since older women may have a more risky pregnancy). I will be 32 in a few weeks and we just decided to try for kids. I now have to consider how many kids I want to have, and how close together. It's a lot of pressure.

If I had to do it over again (and decided to wait until 30 to get married), I supposed I would do it again. I just think there are ups and downs to both sides.

Personally i think its a bad idea... Call me old-fashioned but I want my kids to come into a stable environment and to me being married brings an extra stability into the picture, both emotional and financial (at least better than when living on your own) I want my kids to become part of an existing family nucleus, and to me that nucleus begins between husband and wife...

I think it totally depends on the family and the situation. People who are older, or have already established a stable income are not going to have a problem becoming pregnant and then getting married later. Or those couples who know exactly where they're going with their relationship. I wouldn't advocate getting married 'for the kids' though, or getting pregnant with someone you don't love, understand and respect. Actually, most of my family has gotten pregnant and then gotten married. I'm doing things the other way around, haha, just for a change of pace.

I chose other because I feel it depends on the person and their relationship. I personally would rather be married before having children, but could understand how some wouldn't find it necessary.

This is a bit off subject, but I am sad to see that everyone assumes a marriage will fail because of statistics. I still look forward to it, esp with my current man assuming he is the one. I can't wait to live with him, eat breakfast everyday with him, buy a house together and start a family. I won't do any of that before marriage because one i too am old fashioned and two, my parents would kill me haha, but, aren't there any people who believe it can work and will?

I'm more than a little interested in the response of Andaman, where s/he says that you're a tart for having children before a divorce. If you're married, and you have children, i guess that automatically makes you a tart. No one WANTS to get a divorce when they get married. No one WANTS to put themselves and their family through that. It's not like you think, Oh, I'm knocked up now, your job is done lets get a divorce. It doesn't work quite like that.
Now, the question posed is a little ambiguous, b/c for some people children before marriage was never planned. Ha! Marriage with the person you have a child with may never have been in your future plans!! For some, that child is just another blessing. Our son was born before my husband and i got married. We loved each other, we already lived together, and had a relatively stable home. We got married for us, not for our son. And it was a good decision for us, not out of any need for a traditional family, or to look like what a family "should" be. But that's not the choice for everyone. The question posed, actually makes me really mad, b/c it makes the whole situation for everyone seem the same. Like those are the only two options, and that marriage will come into it no matter what. Doesn't always happen in the real world.

I'm more than a little interested in the response of Andaman, where s/he says that you're a tart for having children before a divorce. If you're married, and you have children, i guess that automatically makes you a tart. No one WANTS to get a divorce when they get married. No one WANTS to put themselves and their family through that. It's not like you think, Oh, I'm knocked up now, your job is done lets get a divorce. It doesn't work quite like that.
Now, the question posed is a little ambiguous, b/c for some people children before marriage was never planned. Ha! Marriage with the person you have a child with may never have been in your future plans!! For some, that child is just another blessing. Our son was born before my husband and i got married. We loved each other, we already lived together, and had a relatively stable home. We got married for us, not for our son. And it was a good decision for us, not out of any need for a traditional family, or to look like what a family "should" be. But that's not the choice for everyone. The question posed, actually makes me really mad, b/c it makes the whole situation for everyone seem the same. Like those are the only two options, and that marriage will come into it no matter what. Doesn't always happen in the real world.

sorry bout the double posting.

I don't need a piece of paper to solidify our relationship. My BF and I have been together for over five years, and it seems that one of the most common things people ask us when they see us is 'When are you getting married?' I don't see how our relationship would change just because of a ceremony and license. When I got pregnant, the questioning got ten times worse, now even strangers are asking when we're getting married. It's strange how people put so much faith in such a little piece of paper when it's obvious our relationship has staying power with or without a wedding.

I say married first for several reasons.

First - I think that you need to be committed to each other at least enough to marry each other before you make the huge decision to have children.

Second - Before you have children, you need to have time to yourselves, to get to know each other completely - I have been married for 4 years, and I still find things out about hubbie sometimes.

Third - Many people make the decision to have children in order to try to save a relationship. While I think that this is a major problem among married persons, I think it is becoming a prevalent problem among unmarried persons as well. If you're married, at least you have the backing of your vows.(for those to which vows actually mean something)

Now, the exception I feel, is an unplanned pregnancy. No matter how careful we are, sometimes a condom breaks, or our hormones don't cooperate with the pill. (Of course, abstinence is a valid choice that most people write off) In those cases, I feel that it's fine to become parents without being married. I also feel like you won't have as good of a chance of making it as a couple. I know a lot of you will disagree with me, but there they are - my perceptions about the subject!

For the record,
Marriage is NOT just a piece of peper for some people. I was raised in a love home, where my parents have stayed married happily for over 30 years. I was raised the following way: How come you kiss all the time mommy? because the law says i can.

I know that sounds silly, but from a very early age i was taught that marriage is a special, special thing that happens between to people who love each other-and in my parent's case, soul mates. To me, it is not just a piece of paper, it is a hope at a bright future together. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years too. but i know way feel like we are married. we don't live together. we don't share bills. but we get excited planning the future, a future we will have together, as a married couple someday. and I hate people making me feel like i am outdated for wanting that. For wanting that special bond, the bond that friends and family witnessed on one special day of many special days we privately share. I am sorry, but I think marriage is a good idea. And I think marriage will last-IF you wait fro the right person, and do it for the right reasons.

For me, marriage means no greater commitment. Yes, it's more than "just a piece of paper," but if you're committed, you're committed. Period. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful four-month old son, and we plan to have more children together. We are no less a family for not being married and are as committed to one another and to our son as if we were. We have decided to eventually get married when we get around to it, but it won't have an effect on our relationship or how we feel about one another. IMO, if you have to get married to feel "stable," something is wrong with the relationship. And, as far as children and their upbringing, a good relationship will always be the best model - whether the parents are married or not.

I agree that marriage is special and I do plan on getting married, I just don't think it will change our relationship or my outlook on it one bit. I'm in a bit of a different situation though, I do live with my BF and we share the responsibilities the same as other couples that are married. I guess I'm just coming from the idea that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Our relationship has stayed strong for this long, if anything it's gotten stronger. We'll marry eventually, but we want to be financially stable before we do so that we're able to have the kind of wedding we want.

makes since to me drewsfan! i found out you can order dormant butterflies to release at your wedding....you keep them in the fridge, and when you take em out and put them in a basket with netting over it they wake up and fly. I won't have a big wedding, but i want those butterflies haha!

not that it matters. and i actually knew that before i met my boyf of 5 years haha. i just love butterflies haha

Wow, I have to say I am truely amazed by the results! Many people do not believe in the institution of marriage nor does it mean FOREVER when you marry someone! I think deciding to have a child is a huge deal but should be made from your love for each other, not some piece of paper that can be made null at anytime....

Drewsfan-
I HATE that question and I think it's incredibly rude of people to ask that question to others! It's no ones business..and if you wanted to share that information, you would!! I love the idea that you aren't scared or worried that you aren't married/engaged yet! Good luck...

Thanks you two!

i think andaman meant that those who haven't gotten a divorce yet but are in a relationship with someone else and had a child with that other person are tarts. not people who get married, have kids with their significant other, then get a divorce. just clarifying that because i think searching4grace has it mixed up.

My husband and I were not married before our first child was born. Once we found out we were pregnant, we made the conscious decision NOT to get married while pregnant because we figured if the unthinkable happened and we didn't stay together, we never wanted her to think we had only gotten married because of her.

I believe that marriage is sacramental and NOT a piece of paper, so I didn't want to enter into it lightly.

I will say from a practical standpoint it is SO much easier to be married when your children are born. There's a LOT more paperwork on the part of the mother that needs to be filled out and a lot of probing questions that get asked: Are you sure this man is the father? Can you sign an affadavit to that effect? What name would you like your child to have? Should the father be listed on the birth certificate? Etc etc. Plus, he wasn't allowed to go in the nursery without my prior approval so I was awakened a few times by nurses wanting to know if it was okay if "this man" went to visit our daughter in the nursery or come into my room, which I found annoying, whereas with our other two he just signed in and sailed right into our room.

I dont' have a strong opinion on the marriage issue per se. My strongest opinion is on children having the best parents they can, and that doesn't necessarily mean they have to be married.

I'd say it's a bad idea.

cravinsugar - I don't think you need to apologize for having a strong belief!

I don't consider children out of wedlock an option for me, I want to be married first, but I certainly DON'T judge anyone who feels differently, it is 2007, after all.

searching for grace i meant people who get pregnant when one of the partner isn't divorce is yet from his partner to be with them. The famous case which i referred to is brangelina. I think they could have waitied to try for a baby. The word tart was for jolie.

was brangelina and waited not the above. i have just woken up.

I'm sure there are more to be corrected sorry like i said i have just woken up and i'm typing really fast here.

For me personally it's a bad idea, unless I got married before the baby was born. However when it comes to the masses, it all depends. Sometimes it brings a couple closer together(it did just that for my cousin and his then girlfriend[now wife] when their eldest son was born nearly 10 years ago. They got married when their son was 4.) Sometimes it isn't, mainly because there are unfortunately some women out there who will have a baby for the sole purpose of tying a guy down before he's even ready for commitment. Especially when she knows he doesn't have to marry her if he isn't ready for marriage, he can instead pay child support and share custody of their baby. The latter has happened to my guy friend, whose wife is shady as hell(her former boyfriend broke up with her because she wanted a baby, he[the former boyfriend] wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility yet because both were in high school[I graduated with her ex boyfriend, she graduated the following year, dated my guy friend and eventually got knocked up and they were married before their kid was born. ]The last I heard, the marriage isn't doing so great, even after their 2nd child was born nearly 2 years ago.)

Despite the misgivings I have towards this, I don't judge anyone who does that because these things happen. Sometimes for the good, and once again sometimes for the bad(in the case of my guy friend). It all depends, and it's the 21st century after all.

I think you should wait until you're married to have kids, but that's just my opinion.

as long as the guy is going to stay and raise the kid, it's fine. a child needs loving parents. to me, i think it would deepen a relationship, but ideally, after marriage. everything's just that much more stable.

Very bad idea. I will never have kids out of wedlock.

If you dont believe in marriage but you want kids- then whatever. I personally didnt want to have kids until I was married. I wanted the security. I know a lot of people who had kids before they got married and it was just never a place I wanted to be. I certainly dont think that just bc your having a baby together that means that you HAVE to get married- but I wouldnt want to have children with anyone other then the person I married- so I took all the precautions necessary to make sure that when I told my parents that they were going to be grandparents that it would be good news. I actually had a friend tease me for being "overly cautious"- when he got married he had a 9 month old.

Why have kids at all? The world we live in today sucks, so why bring another life into it!

i dont like to

i dont want my kid to be a bastard

If it doesn't matter to you people then why don't you just suck it up and do it? Don't make your kids think they are bastards or that daddy wanted to keep a ring of his finger so he could be sleeping around. How long does it take to go to city hall people?