Common sense tells me you picked it up on your most recent break, which means that he's not only cheating, but doing so without protection. You should be thankful you only caught herpes and not HIV.

Best case scenario? He's not cheating but lied about being tested. Either way, it's time to dump his ass. Don't feel like you need to stay with him just because you have herpes and no one else will want to be with you. Sadly it's quite common, and there are even dating sites for people with it. Whatever you do, do NOT let him talk you into staying with him. He lied and/or cheated, putting your life at risk, and you deserve better.

Sorry to hear that. It is possible that he didn't know he had genital herpes. I can hear the Valtrex commercial right now: It is still possible to spread herpes even while not having an outbreak. Maybe he never had an outbreak or maybe he was never tested specifically for herpes? My ex gave me the wonderful gift of HPV. If he doesn't care enough about your safety while having unprotected sex I say kick him to the curb. What a jerk!

Hiding55 - The point is that he lied and said he'd been tested!

You should sue him for giving you a life altering disease.

I'd proceed to dump him immediately after I was done whipping his lying a$$.....

Wow.
I'm truly sorry to hear that. He's either lying about cheating or lying about not knowing that he has it.
Either way, it sounds like he doesn't care for your well-being by doing this. Like luisa said, don't be pressured to stay because you have this, and dump him.

Which is why I said:

"If he doesn't care enough about your safety while having unprotected sex I say kick him to the curb. What a jerk!"

There are so many variables here. Maybe he did get tested and was clean and then cheated on her and he didn't even know he had herpes? You have to be a friggin' detective to sleep with people these days. Why not just request medical records before you even go out on a date so you don't waste your time and require that they are updated monthly?

Herpes can be asymptomatic and really hard to diagnose. It isn't something that alot of General Physicians test for when testing for STIs. He may have gone years without knowing he even had it. He may actually be telling the truth. Did you both specifically get tested for herpes along with other STIs?
Maybe it is time to think on how much you actually trust this guy. If you truly believe that he is lying to you, then why stay with him? You're only going to have doubts in the back of your mind the whole time you two are dating.

Herpes is one of those STIs that can lay dormant for a very long time with no symptoms, and I believe that when you have not exhibited those symptoms, doctors don't test you for it unless you specifically ask for it. In fact, my OB-GYN didn't test me for it until I asked, even though I got every other test known to man.

So what I think is - your boyfriend did get tested. For everything but Herpes. Because he's a guy, and those things are not particularly interesting to them, he didn't know or didn't remember Herpes wasn't part of his battery of tests. And he had the virus before he met you, never had an outbreak, and had no idea he was passing it on to you. Since your chances of contracting the virus are not 100%, maybe you didn't catch it from him until now. OR maybe you did, but you just had your first outbreak and it's been lying dormant in your system this whole time too.

What I'm saying is - don't be too quick to diss the guy, it's perfectly plausible that he's saying the truth in all regards. It's clearly bad luck, but I'm not going to give you sermons on how you should have demanded to see the test or used protection or whatnot - this sh*t happens to the best of us, that's how I got HPV, and even though I got tested a couple of years ago and was supposedly clear of the virus, I had another outbreak last year. Which means, I possibly gave it to my boyfriend. Which means... he could think I was lying about the tests, or think I cheated on him. Instead, he's trusting me, and knows it's bad luck, sneaky diseases, and we're all running the risk when we're doing the nasty - with OR without condoms, for that matter, which don't protect 100% against herpes or HPV anyway.

Sorry about the herpes, though - that really sucks. You want to blame someone because it's really bad news, but maybe it's nobody's fault...

adding on to what karlotta said, you can get both herpes and hpv WHILE using a condom. so to assume he was having unprotected sex with someone might be an unfair assumption. also, if you perform oral sex on someone and have a sore in your mouth that comes in contact with someone's genitals, it can become genital herpes. from what i remember, a relatively decent percentage of the population has the oral form of herpes. i learned that in a human sexuality class in college.

i'm not trying to say that he didn't cheat; maybe he did. but there are SO many other factors to consider. it really does come down to how much you trust him.

bottom line here. Dont have unprotected sex. duh.

Like Karlotta said, herpes testing is not part of a standard battery of tests. It actually costs I believe in Canada about 200 dollars to get a test for genital herpes. So no, most people do not get tested for it. Unless you have have signs or symptoms, there is no way of knowing if you have it. And most people will not pay money to get tested for something if they have no reason to believe they have it. So it is very likely that your bf did have an exam and that the exam said he did not have any other STI's. Some people (I think more men than women) have genital herpes for years and never know they have it. It could be asymptomatic, or the symptoms could be so minor that they don't think they are herpes, maybe think it's just an ingrown hair or something. So if I were you I think you would be making a mistake to assume that your guy cheated or lied. It is very likely that he did not.

CaterpillarGirl: Just wanted to let you know that many women can and will get herpes and hpv/genital warts from 'protected' sex. 'Duh'. This is because they are transmitted from skin to skin contact, and a condom does not cover all of a mans skin. I think your best option for more protection would be to use female condoms ladies, because at least they cover your labia. The best option is to use condoms, but the more partners you have, the higher the chance of getting hpv and herpes. I have read that 1 in 4 people have genital herpes, many do not even know they have it and could be passing it around.

To the op: the best thing you can do is educate yourself about this and ways to deal with it and consider counselling to try to deal with and move past the hurt. Also, consider that you could have gotten HIV or hpv (which can lead to cervical cancer). At least herpes doesn't pose any major risks to your health or shorten your life span, or make you not able to have kids. If you end up breaking up with this guy, it is your responsibility to inform new partners that you have this, and always use protection. Two of my friends have it and they have never transferred it to their long term partners because they use protection, medication and don't have sex if they are having an outbreak. My friend said that the longer you have it the less severe your outbreaks are and the less you get.
Good luck to you.

CaterpillarGirl, that comment was really unhelpful and shows that you didn't read the other comments.
HPV and genital herpes can still be contracted while using protection.

On to the poster though, I'm inclined to think that he did cheat because you had unprotected sex before and had no symptoms and then came home after not seeing him for a while and had sex with him again and started having symptoms almost immediately afterward. That sounds fishy to me...
But I could be wrong. If you trust him then have a serious talk with him and give him a chance to see how he'll handle this situation.

thats horrible. first and foremost your health is the most important thing. secondly, he's a liar. he said he'd been tested and came up clear of any STI's. clearly he was either lying about ever being tested or he's lying about having cheated on you while the two of you have been long distance. fact of the matter is...either way he lied. he lied and he gave you a disease that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life.

gooniette, I read the other comments, and i know that condoms cant 100% protect but they can sure reduce the likelihood. thanks for your unhelpful reply.

MissJules5X: As I said in my previous post, there is no reason to assume that he lied. Many, many people do not realize that herpes is not tested for when you get STI testing. Op I think you need to go with your gut on this one, there is no reason to assume he has lied or cheated on you.

It's very possible to carry genital herpes without having symptoms. Also, you can't be tested for herpes unless you HAVE an outbreak. He could have caught it from an ex-girlfriend. Outbreaks also happen at any time after the exposure, you could have possibly caught it from a previous partner who was a carrier, you really don't know where it came from.

From WebMD.com:

Tests for HSV are most often done only for sores in the genital area. In rare cases, the test may be done using other types of samples, such as spinal fluid, blood, urine, or tears. To see whether sores are caused by HSV, different types of tests may be done.

* Herpes viral culture. Cells or fluid from a fresh sore are collected with a cotton swab and placed in a culture cup. A viral culture is the best method of identifying a genital herpes infection. But the culture often fails to find the virus even when it is present (false-negative results).
* Herpes virus antigen detection test. Cells from a fresh sore are scraped off and then smeared onto a microscope slide. This test finds markers (called antigens) on the surface of cells infected with the herpes virus. This test may be done with or in place of a viral culture.
* Polymerase chain reaction (PCR) test. A PCR test can be done on cells or fluid from a sore or on blood or on other fluid, such as spinal fluid. PCR finds the genetic material (DNA) of the HSV virus. This test can tell the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2. The PCR test is not often done on skin sores, but it is best for testing spinal fluid, for those rare cases in which herpes may cause an infection in or around the brain.
* Antibody tests. Blood tests can find antibodies that are made by the immune system to fight a herpes infection. Antibody tests are occasionally done but are not as accurate as a viral culture at finding the cause of a specific sore or ulcer. Antibody tests cannot tell the difference between a current active herpes infection and a herpes infection that occurred in the past. Because antibodies take time to develop after the first infection, you may not have a positive antibody test if you have just recently been infected. Some blood tests can tell the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2.

It is thought that about half of adults in the United States likely have herpes antibodies.

I agree with Myst 100%

What a tough call!! I didnt know herpes weren't tested when you get checked for STIs. This guy better be on his knees crying though for me to even consider forgiving him, assuming your gut instinct is that he really, truly didnt know that he had herpes in the first place. i wish i had more insight for you. if i were you i would give myself some time to come to terms that you now have this, and maybe think about him later... your health and general peace of mind should come first

Get the hell out of there and take care of yourself.

I was never in this situation, but my friend caught herpes from her HUSBAND when he cheated on her. Needless to say they are divorced now. Sorry hun, but either he lied about being tested (and why would he lie unless he had a reason to suspect something was up) which means he had unprotected sex with you KNOWING he probably had something and could pass it on to you and did it anyway, OR he cheated on you (again unprotected, completely disregarding your health and well being). Either way- dump him.

I wish that people were more informed about testing. I wouldn't jump to conclusions here...As some of the other comments have stated, herpes is one of the hardest STIs to test for because it can lay dormant for a long time (sometimes YEARS) without the person ever having an outbreak. In these cases, it is entirely possible that your boyfriend DID get tested and the test came back negative because his virus was dormant and he had never had an outbreak before so he didn't realize he had it. OR you know YOU could have had herpes which you got from another partner a long time ago and YOUR virus was dormant all this time and you just had your first outbreak. Either way, it's really not fair of you to jump to conclusions that he cheated on you or lied to you about being tested. There are a lot of other very very plausible possibilities.

Not to sound rude, but about 90% of these relationship questions lately have come from LDR's. It makes me sad to give LDR's such a bad rep because I survived a year (out of a four year relationship) in one and never ever had any of these horrendous problems.

The guy cheated and you're stuck with the reminder forever. Sorry honey.

bingo cfp, also, you can only test positively for herpes when they come out of their dormant stage even with blood tests etc. It's a very hard STI to check for unless there are visible sores. Your boyfriend may not have cheated on you, he may not have lied to you, he might not even have seen any sores to this day and only found out through you that he has herpes. Hell, there is a possibility that he DOESNT have herpes and only YOU do and the herpes has laid dormant since your last boyfriend and suddenly just started showing.

Either way there is no way that you will ever know for sure. I'm sure it's a really scary thing to discover and I understand that you're trying to find a place to put your anger but if you trust him and want to be with him then realize he could be telling the truth.

and for all of you other ladies out there that dont know sh!t about STIs, their symptoms and what causes them... go back to health class. I learned all about herpes in highschool because in my health class it's what STI I was given to do a project on. It is a weird and nasty STI that will never ever go away. There is no cure, it's difficult to diagnose, it's VERY easy to contract and it is almost impossible to place blame unless one of you was a virgin before catching it. It can be passed along through oral sex, through kissing (cold sores are Herpes Simplex), even through touching!!! Hands to mouth, hands to naughty bits. YOU CAN CONTRACT HERPES WITH OR WITHOUT A CONDOM. WITH OR WITHOUT SEX AND WITH OR WITHOUT KNOWING ABOUT IT FOR YEARS.... it's messed up.

But, it does not mean anyone cheated, it does not mean anyone was lying about tests or otherwise. I suggest doing some research instead of flipping out. like 1/4 people have it so look around... 1 of those people has it and might not even know it.

I am in shock of how many girls on here know nothing about this topic! No wonder herpes has become an epidemic. Jeez...

Yikes- thanks to Fallen and the other girls that clarified the issue. I also learned awhile back that many STIs lay dormant and was sure Herpes was one of them (but to be fair I forgot and had to go check it out). I would not be so quick to assume he lied unless you have other evidence- but either way -you WERE quick to assume he was lying rather than believe him which spells trouble. Talk to him and let him know your feelings- but do know the facts about herpes.

Oh, one more scary thing about herpes: You can catch herpes from an infected person even if there is no visible sore. That's right... you can catch it even if the person has no clue they have herpes and there is or never has been any evidence of them having herpes. As I said, it's pretty messed up.

I'm so sorry

I would definitely not just dump him right away. Herpes is a complicated STD. Some people get initial outbreaks with a fever and the whole 9 yards, and some don't experience anything at all. Usually people get their biggest outbreak a little while after coming in contact with the virus. However, some people's biggest outbreaks are completely unnoticeable. The same situation happened to one of my girlfriends. Her boyfriend had been tested, because he saw signs "down there" that could have been related to herpes. He, however, got a blood test done instead of an actual swabbing of the lesion. Therefore, he came up negative (with herpes, blood tests are HIGHLY inaccurate). They began having a sexual relationship, thinking they were in the clear. Even though they weren't, she didn't actually end up getting herpes until way later down the line, even though she had been exposed to it numerous times.

Also, I read above that many people noted that herpes isn't in the standard STD panel. It's not, for the reason I mentioned above. The only sure-way to test for herpes is through a swabbing of an actual lesion suspected to be herpes. Blood tests are inaccurate for two reasons. One, is because it could take up to 3 months after exposure for antibodies to show up in the blood and be detected. Also, herpes tests are usually done in pairs. There his HSV-1 (cold sores, almost everyone has this even if the don't know it) and HSV-2 (genital herpes). It is better to get the test that does both of them, because in many cases the presence of HSV-1 can mess up the results of HSV-2, making the numbers higher and appear positive even if the patient doesn't have HSV-2. Since blood tests are so inaccurate, they usually are not included in the chlamydia/gonorrhea packet. Most places discourage herpes blood tests, to tell you the truth.

Really, trust is what comes into play here. It is possible you contracted herpes from him because he is cheating. But it is also possible that he really had no idea he had it. You could ask him for his old STD panel results if they were mailed to him. Or you could have him call the institution where he had gotten the testing done and have him ask what tests they performed on him.

Basically, ask him if they took his blood, and how many vials. If they just took one, it's likely that it was for HIV unless he specifically asked for a herpes blood test (which is expensive). If they took two vials, then he probably did get the herpes blood test as well.

If they only did swab cultures (they wouldn't do one on a lesion unless he specifically asked) then I'm guessing he only had tests done for chlamydia and gonorrhea. If this last scenario is true, then he didn't lie about being tested, or about his knowledge of having it, and he probably didn't cheat on you. In this case, he probably needs you as much as you need him.

I hope you get this all straightened out! On the plus side of things, despite what people say, herpes is a highly controllable virus. Once on medication, you should be able to have healthy relationships and a healthy sex life with whomever you choose, whether it be the current beau or not.

Go with your gut. He probably couldn't handle the lack of physical intimacy that goes along with a long-distance relationship and hooked up with someone else. Kick him to the curb- you deserve better!

He lied about being tested and you are almost LUCKY to only have caught herpes.

You have two choices - stay with somebody who already has it or break up with him. I would break up with him because he was too risky with my health by lying to me.

wow, so neither misskris or sparklestar read any of the above comments. Very helpful.

Yes I did. He lied about having been tested and it's a guy who has engaged in risky sexual practices.

They're in a long distance relationship and he has herpes - chances are he is a cheater??

sparklestar you ASSUME he lied about being tested, if you'd read the above comments you would realize that you can often test negative for herpes if you even get the tests at all. He has not necessarily engaged in risky sexual practices unless you count having sex without a condom with your girlfriend "risky" which is the only thing the OP said they have done. Regardless, you can catch herpes while wearing a condom... but you would have known that if you'd read the above comments.

Also, if you had read the above comments, you would notice that he may not even have herpes, it might just be her. She could have caught it from any of her earlier sexual partners and may not have noticed until now or it may have been dormant until now. The OP will never know exactly what happened unless he suddenly confesses he's had it for years and didnt tell her or if he admits he's cheated but technically, no one knows and no one can know for sure except for him.

Wow this is a tough one. I honestly and truly am not a supporter of long distance relationships. I have not heard of many that are successful. I am so sorry this happened to you. We are not experts on the subject here from a medical perspective. Get the right answers from a medical professional. I truly think you need to re-evaluate this long distance thing. It is so hard on you.

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I'm very sad about how you contracted it .Yes, you could possiable sue him ,but what's the point in that? Your still going to have it after the money run's out..Just be glad it was not hiv or aids..I know what your going through , i have herpes myself and i'm very new to this..I myself, contracted this by sharing something with a bestfriend of mine that did not know she had it at the time.No, it was not underware...I still went on having a husband with two beautiful boys..I will not allow people to feel "sorry" for me .I'm not dying here and neither are you..For christ people, it's just a skin conditon..Don't have sex around outbreaks if you can avoid it and use condoms and your chances of spreading it to you loved one's while your shedding will be small.My husband still does not have it and we go on with our lives..I'm still very beautiful and loved my millions.It didn't change me as a person and if people do judge you.They should not be the one's talking..Karma can be a nasty thing in the years to come for them..Take care love

By the way,I'm not in anyway trying to tell you to get "over it" from the last letter.That will be in your own time, but just know from someone that has this,.It does get better ..I myself just had only one outbreak , but my body seem's to be handling it better than most..I don't know if it has to do with me not contracting it sexually.I wil have to ask my health provider on that .Everyone is diffrent with reincurences , but it does slow down in outbreaks after a couple of year's...Keep looking up and i will pray for the best for you...