Oh man I feel SO sorry for you. How horrible and how dare he comment on YOUR communication skills when he clearly missed the boat on communicating with you about how he has been unhappy. I wish I had advice but I do think this is bigger than any of us here can handle. I can't tell you what to do - but I am happy you are both undergoing counseling together. I think that is a good sign that he is at least willing to get help.

That's a terrible thing to go through. A similar thing happened between my mother and father. Being the child in that situation was terrible, my dad waited 20 years to tell my mother he was unhappy from the start... So my view point is kind of skewed but I don't know how you could trust his happiness after that. I hope you can work it out with counseling.

Listen, I know things seem difficult now, and despite what any of us say, no we don't know how you feel. All we can tell you is many of use may have went through similar cases. What I can tell you is nothing is irreversible. The past can't be undone, but once the day is over, it is erased. The only reason the past continues, is because every day of our lives we manifest the past into existence. It will take some time, and hopefully counseling will have its part, but remember, it is up to the both of you to work this out. Nothing is ever meant to be just by fate or chance or destiny. We are the ones that create fate and destiny, our actions every day shape the future. It's very much the butterfly effect, everything we do in the past, and the present affects the future. One thing you two must do is work out some conditions for each other, or nothing will change. Be *completely* honest with each other, if you're not willing to, it will never work. You two need to work things out. One thing I noticed is him saying your communication skills were lacking, but so were his. For a year or more not once did he express you you his unhappiness. It's very much his own fault. You can't blame yourself nor can he blame you for the way you are. I'm sure you really are a wonderful woman, maybe he's a great guy. The major problem here was communication, which is usually the number one destroyer or all relationships. I think you should try to work things out, and request that he be completely honest about everything from now on, and if you'd like, ask him some questions that may be troubling you about the past, only so that you may move on toward the future. You should also do the same with him. It will go a long way towards closing this rift and healing this relationship. Godspeed.

Give the counseling a shot -- he may be suffering from some depression and it's changing how he acts and maybe the counseling will bring it to light. Actually it's a good sign that he's willing to go to counseling.

IDK about your situation exactly with this glimpse of info- but my husband and I were together for 1o years and divorced for the very same reason. We knew we weren't compatible by year 3 but we kept trying to 'do the right thing'. Since we've divorced we're both happier than we've ever been. He's remarried; I'm single and we all get along. Now, that's what I'm so called predicting nor leading you to do- just illustrating that sometimes it happens and it's not always melodramatic or tragic.

*10 years

they really need an edit option. I hate typos!

*Now, that's NOT what...

I'm not buying it. I hate to be negative Nelly but 6 years and now he wants to complain about your not stimulating him intellectually? I smell B.S. Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Sounds to me like he is either cheating or has decided that he isn't marriage material and just wants to be a bachelor again. If he thinks you are this wonderful person, then why is he giving up on you & minor things that can be worked on? Funny how women sacrifice so much only to get slapped in the face with nothing! Then he sounds confused but knows what he "really" wants...*smh*! If he is willing to go to counseling, then he should've been willing to work on things b4 counseling was even suggested imo. I guess you can try counseling & if it dosen't work, then reality will let you know what you need to do.Then you have to think if "this is worth fighting for or struggling for?" & "is this the life I really want?". Just a few ?'s to ask yourself. Good luck!

The conversation isn't stimulating enough for him? That is a lame upon lame excuse, and NOT the real reason. I think there must be someone else in the picture, in which case you're better off without him.

She doesn't mention any children so maybe he loved the spontaneity and sex and has grown up. And wants a woman who shares his matured interests and new found passions. Just a suggestion...

We don't know how old this man is either. Some men do mature and maybe she hasn't kept up. I'm just saying people can and do outgrow each other. That's why it's important to know yourself and potential self BEFORE you get married. I now know that counseling should come BEFORE marriage and not when things go sour.

I know there's no way I would marry a man -that I would have married even five years ago. My attitude on what sacrifices and compromises I'm willing to make have changed and/or mellowed.

I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure you're devastated. None of us can know how you feel as every heartbreak is different. This might sound trite, but here goes: People rarely tell the truth when they communicate to their partner about what's wrong in a relationship because A)the truth is just too hard to say, B) they're not even sure what's wrong, they just know it's wrong. He's told you something is wrong and wants to try counseling which is better than just leaving you. Try counseling. See if it helps. If it doesn't, try to rebuild. You are a good person, a smart and strong woman. You'll be fine without him if that's what it comes to.

Just as a side note, the truth is a very amazing thing, especially in relationships. You don't have to always be harsh about it, but telling the truth goes a long way. Hiding things will definitely ruin things. But you know what, when the truth comes out, hopefully from the significant others' mouth, it goes a long way. As long as it's not under pressuring circumstances, like say [you only told your husband you were cheating on him because now you're pregnant with your lover's child], then it will go a long way. Depending on those involved, and how much they can endure, things can be worked out. As long as we go handle things with proper wisdom, anything is possible to move forward, whether or not the relationship continues, at least the individuals will be able to.

I feel like there might be some other things he's not telling you about..maybe you'll find out what those things are in therapy. The best thing you can do now is go to therapy, try to work things out, and if things don't get better-cut your losses. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage. You might be surprised to find that eventually you could be happy on your own, or with someone else.

i had a friend that this happened to. they dated all through high school and college. they got married the weekend after college graduation and with the help of their parents bought a beautiful home.

the rest of us were stumbling around trying to decide what to do with our lives and they just seemed to "know". then one night after about a year of marriage he came home from work and announced that he had met someone else and was leaving her to move in with his new love. she thought he was joking and was stunned to find out that he went through with the wedding because he felt "obligated" after all the time they had spent together and because their families "expected" them to get married.

if your husband has only had one foot in the relationship since the marriage began i'm not sure you can do anything about that. it's as if he tricked you because you took him at his word, and now he's saying he didn't really mean it (forever, promise, till death do us part, etc).

if however, he's depressed (as someone else suggested) or having other difficulties maybe you can save your marriage. the trouble is WHAT do you believe? are you willing to chuck all the time you've spent together before getting to the bottom of when his dissatisfaction started?

difficult decisions. i feel badly for you and hope it works out in the long run.

I'm really sorry OP.
My first impression is, there's something else he's not telling you. It may be another female(s), or depression or addiction or whatever.
The thing is, he may be chickensh1t in admitting that he fell out of love with you a long time ago, but seriously, there's SOMETHING that pushes him to let you know..NOW after 7 years, or a year of marriage. It's BS about your communication skill, he is the one with the problem, for the love of god, if he led you on for years!

You either find this SOMETHING out during therapy and everything will be revealed (then you get to pick up the pieces or whatever) OR you'll find out after he's gone ahead and decided to get a divorce from you. If you have any inkling that he may have another female(s) on the side, you need to ask him because it compromises your health too beside the 'sanctity' of marriage.

Honestly, knowing myself, if I were you, what's going to happen is me moving out of the house (or kick him to the curb--ok, nicely ask him to move out). Getting an annulment probably is best because he's already not telling the truth during saying your vow/whatever...

It's really up to you on what you plan to do. I hope the best for you.

If you really want to still invest in your marriage, I suggest that rather than paying good money for counseling, that you take some college courses or start reading up on current events so he can have an intelligent conversation with you. However, even though I can understand the void he has expressed (if that is the real reason) it is a little hard to swallow. One would think that after five years living together he might have come to that realization before asking you to marry him ~ so based on that fact, I think it is more likely he has another, more damaging reason, for wanting a divorce and is using the excuse that makes you look like the one who is lacking. Personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking he mattered enough to salvage the marriage at this point. Don't be a martyr, just get on with your life and act like you are so grateful he wants out!

Obviously, Hope2be and I were basically on the same page...as far as kicking him to the curb. I should have read her response sooner!

Terrible situation, I am sorry. That aside, I do have to say I agree something else must be the problem. Unless you really cant communicate or hold a conversation I can't imagine this would be worthy of ending a relationship. But maybe Counseling might help get the issues out.

Until then i would just try to look at yourself from the outside. When you talk to people pay attention to what you're saying. Are you able to hold a conversation, listen and answer questions? Maybe talk to a sister or best friend who can honestly tell you how you are at communicating and if there's something you are doing that makes people have trouble.

If you really can't come up with something in doing those two things then maybe it's not your problem it's his. One post talked about how sometimes people aren't honest because they dont want to hurt their significant others. That makes a lot of sense; i've been there unfortunately.

This might be fixable which is good but these cvonversation issues are definitely a red flag for other issues. I hope things work out but in all honesty prepare yourself for it not to. Wish you the best.

God, do you really want to be married to someone like this for the rest of your life? You deserve better. I say go to counseling because I believe it's better to try, for both of your sakes, but I'd rethink being married at this point.

Whatever issues he's going through, don't let him project them onto you. "Sure, i dont have the balls to speak how i feel, but that's your fault." Bring it up during counseling.

I think it's better he has the guts to tell you know instead of five years down the road and/or before any children are involved. I don't think counselling would help that much (not that I don't recommend giving it a try in terms of helping you two stay together), but I think he probably gave it a lot of thought for a long long time before getting himself to talk about this with you. I don't think people should stay in a relationship and desperately try to work something out that just isn't worth it because of how ever many years they have already spent together. That is a sunk cost. I'm sure you'll find true happiness in time, but it doesn't seem like he's the one. People who marry young often grow apart, especially after entering into the working world. So be strong and don't stay with him for the wrong reasons.

Maybe he felt obligated to marry you b/c you had been together so long. Maybe you and he aren't right for one another anymore...couples do outgrow one another.

While I'm all for counseling, this isn't the place. You will spend endless amounts of money and time trying to fix something that's not fixable.

Maybe counseling will breath some life back into the relationship. Maybe he is going through a phase?

i think you deserve much, much better than this- but i would try hard with counseling and therapy and whatnot and do anything to not throw away the marriage, even if this isn't of your doing. no matter what the end result, keep your head up! You will get through this.

He has absolutely no right to insult your communication skills when he couldn't put his unhappiness into words before you tied the knot. I know it'll be hard, and there is every chance counselling could work for you two, but remember; it's never too late to go back. This marriage has only taken you one year, you can still go back to your single life and find somebody who appreciates you. And one parting thought; "conversation not stimulating him" is a petty, awful excuse for ending a marriage. He is hardly one to use communication as an insult.

whil what he said was hurtful, he's being honest and trying to communicate with you. i would much rather my husband tell me hes bored and telling me why he's bored than tell me he's seeing someone else and leaving me because he's bored.

take this as a step to communicate. maybe you have nothing to talk about because you are spending too much time together and have nothing to talk about.

find a hobby. keep yourself busy so when you are together you have something interesting to talk about. set up date nights to try new things etc... if you stay in the same pattern of doing the same thing everyday, things are bound to get boring. you have to do things on your own that interest you so you can grow together.

That's a terrible situation; sorry it happened.

Still, I am sensing that there is something more going on here. It's really hard to believe that OUT OF THE BLUE he just said, "I'm not fulfilled in this relationship" - especially after you've been MARRIED.

Without knowing the details, it is entirely possible that he's been giving you red flags about not being happy in the relationship long before you got married - and YOU (just *trusting* that you both were on the same page and that he loves you) didn't notice them.

Maybe counseling will help now, I don't know. But I bet all of this would have come out and you could have saved yourself the trouble if you went to couples counseling BEFORE you got married.

Whoa people. This is a MARRIAGE, not some casual relationship that she should chuck just because it got a little hard. We could all go down the list of what she and her husband SHOULD have done but what good would that do?

Use a counselor for as long as it takes. Ask any couple that has been married for a while and most will tell you that there were years when they really had to work at their marriage. Just because there as kinks right now doesn't mean that you can't salvage a really happy and healthy marriage. Plus, don't most couples say the first year of marriage is the hardest? Don't give up!

You are already going into marriage couseling with a bad attitude. You stated....

“quite frankly, I feel like the damage he's caused is irreversible.”

Well then what is the point of you going if you’re not going to help the situation? Look, I know you feel bad right now but men go through phases. Maybe this is just his first one while with you, or maybe he’s right and it is just YOU.

You said.... “He said that my communication skills are lacking and my conversation isn't stimulating enough for him.”

Again, if you’re not a hopeful person when a situation gets bad in your marriage, meaning you don’t try hard to think wisely about how you two can work hard together to solve a problem, for example finacial issues, then yeah, you’re conversations wouldn’t stimulate him to go forward to help any problems because you’re so negative and unhopeful about different issues between you two.

And NO, you’re marriage is most likely not a sham, as you stated. This is you’re first serious issues according to you. He didn’t cheat on you or mentally abuse you. Your husband told you that you were “a gorgeous, perfect wife/woman.” Your husband did the right thing and nicely told you that he felt that you weren’t communitcating with him, so therefore he agreed or suggested marriage couseling.

And *Abbigail* is right....

“Just because there as kinks right now, doesn't mean that you can't salvage a really happy and healthy marriage. Plus, most couples say that the first year of marriage is the hardest?”

If you love your husband, and you stated that you do, then work with the man, don’t work against him. Try your best in each marriage counseling session with him. Try anything and everything that you have too in order to get your communication skills back up to par for the both of you.

And for goodness sakes...don’t complain and nag to your husband during the process either. Communicate with him while expressing your true feelings, good or bad, in the right way.

"You conversation isn't stimulating enough"? Holy fxck, he said you are BORING. Forget counceling. He's an inconsiderate ass, he's clearly got severe issues and just tried to project the blame on you! "Lacking communication skills". Is he fxcking kidding? I can't get over the fact he told you you bore him... He might as well have just slapped you in the face.

did he really say "our conversations arent stimulating enough"? WOW, thats some cold BS.

So he is telling you now, maybe you are boring and he has just been trying to see if it would get better, maybe your the type that doesnt talk either, unless its online anonymously to strangers for advice.....give it some time.

I feel so sorry 4 u.... As far as i'm concerned, men are just useless!!! If the therapy doesnt change anything, please just leave him and move on with your life! It's gonna hurt especially considering all u've given up for him but the fact still remains - u can't kill yourself bcos of him....

My advice to you is to resist temptation to change who you are in order to make him happy. It sounds like you are a very generous, flexible person who's willing to give a lot to make your husband happy, and that's not necessarily bad. What WOULD be bad at this juncture is, in a desperate attempt to save the relationship or make you husband see that you are compatible, if you changed something major about yourself to make a point. In fact, be wary of making any big changes right now, unless you're sure that it's to make you-and not anybody else- happier and more content with your life.

I think it was very unfair of him to not tell you this until now. But bear in mind: THIS IS NOT (say it with me: NOT) YOUR FAULT! Don't look back and wonder what you could have/should have/would have done, because honestly that doesn't matter. What matters now is that you are in this situation, and you need to take care of yourself and figure out what you need to do.

WoW my Dear!! I really don't know what to say! It's like most of the comments that were giving.... WE really don't know what's going on but we know that he was wrong for blaming you! To me it sounds like he may have someone else on the side they may be filling his head with idea's, fantasies and maybe a bit of her loving! You can never tell about a man now a day's but why is it that they always want to blame the lady when they know there wrong. Don't look at it like your the one that's not giving him what he needs, he may not know him self what it is he wants.

If you have children this situation becomes harder than easier b/c you want your family to stay together through thick and thin! Take time out to see what it is you can do to help YOU not him! The counseling was the best option for you at this moment so hopefully that will clear the air if not all the way then enough so you can live a healthier life. God Bless you in your time of need b/c he's not worth it!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I know what you mean when you talk about irrevocable damage. My (now ex) husband did a similar thing to me, said I was too smart for him and that I deserved better so he was leaving. He went to counseling on his own while we were separated for nearly a year and worked on his secret depression issues. Its one thing to not be happy, its another to not be honest enough to bring it up ASAP in a nice way. Having the person you love, and you thought loved you too, blindside you with this hurtful revelation changes everything.

Counseling is good because it helps you both move on, but it doesn't seem like this guy is worth it to try to make it work. Of course that's your call (and his, who knows if he really even wants to try) but be grateful for the experiences you had with him, and don't regret it thinking you wasted years of your life. Everything happens for a reason, and when you move on you will find a much healthier relationship because you'll have your eyes more open.