Those with addictions always have a fallback. My brother is a compulsive gambler/spender and drinks heavily when he's not gambling. It sounds like your husband is the opposite.

It's time to stop being "the wife" and start being a partner in the marriage. Frankly, I don't know how you could miss things like alcoholism and tens of thousands of dollars in debt. What is your husband buying? What are you buying? Are you guys living beyond your means and charging things like groceries, gas and medicine?

If you decide to give your husband a third chance, be prepared to take over finances and run the household.

Through better or worse. You probably had better times, but now it's worse times. It's up to you whether or not you want to stick by him and those vows through these worse times, or this marriage means nothing. Luisa is right, it's time you started monitoring more closely/take over the finances. Addictions are hard to break for some, but addictions can be broken. It has very much a lot to do with self control. Forget what everyone says about the whole "it gives you a high you can't break." It's major copout, it's just using medical "evidence" to absolve responsibility. You didn't really mention what kind of relationship you had...whether he's a good man or not, but I noticed you said he is an active father, so I'm supposing that he's a good dad. So he's weak and had a drinking problem, but he hasn't beat you or the kids (I hope) right? There's hope there, he's doing the meetings now at least. He's really bad with money, but you can't lose hope on that either. With careful planning, you can make it out. I know it probably sounds depressing maybe but you'll just have to cut back on as many luxuries as possible and focus on getting out of debt. Maybe switch to basic cable, passup buying icecream and fruit cups every week. Forget the Starbucks and bacon egg and cheese, and go for a less costly breakfast. Things could be worse, but with wisdom they can be better. Yes he hid it from you, but it also takes a lot of character to admit your mistakes and be willing to acknowledge that you did make a mistake. I know, it's hard to want to go on after feeling betrayed, but assuming you want to work hard at keeping all of this together, you two need to communicate a great deal, strengthen as much as possible your communication. Leave no gaps. Make a pact if you have to to come to each other right away, and lean on each other. That's what marriage is supposed to be about anyway.

Luisamapacha, I don't know how I missed these things, either. As I've learned, addicts are slick manipulators and liars. When my husband was drinking, he never--not once--acted "drunk." Never slurred his words, stumbled, drank in front of me, nothing. When he went to rehab, other people actually thought I was joking. Nobody realized he drank so much. I've never seen him have more than two or three drinks at a time (and only then at social gatherings). He hid everything expertly.

The debt was slowly accumulated over the last two years as he struggled with his business. He took out two cards that I didn't know about and charged business expenses to them. He didn't buy anything that I could see, and we didn't live above our means (that I knew). We have a strict budget that I follow closely. We have monthly meetings to discuss money and his business status (since he has a separate business account). But he still managed to hide things from me. It's unreal how good of a liar he has been. I had already taken over finances and the household (outside of what he does with his business), so I'm not sure what to change at this point. I think the only change that can affect anything has to come from him.

Gscott86, before all of this, I would have said we had the best relationship of anyone we knew. I felt very much in love with him and very close to him. Even after 10 years together, I still got butterflies around him. I thought we were madly in love and very, very close--I thought he was the best person I knew, and I absolutely loved being married to him. But the last two years have changed that. I no longer consider him my best friend, and I don't feel very loving to him anymore. I truly can't believe we got to this point.

He has never been physically/mentally/verbally abusive to me or the kids. But it's almost harder that way--it makes it less clear how "abusive" he's been in other ways. Everyone LOVES him, including my family. They think he is so wonderful, even after knowing what he has done. I guess he is technically a "good man," but I have a hard time seeing that. It's very confusing.

After his rehab, we burned through our massive savings. Then we had another baby and the economy tanked. We have tightened every belt we have, but his business is not bringing in enough money to cover the bills. My job is stable, but I'm tired of being the responsible one. We are talking about him taking a job for a steady paycheck, so we'll see what happens there. But I still worry about our financial future.

You're right...addicts, liars, etc, are very very good at what they do, well people in general are good at it. It's easy, as long as you cover your tracks no one could know for an entire lifetime. I don't know what's going on with your husband, perhaps he's been drinking to cover up issues he's had, or maybe he's been drinking because he can't control not having it. Just wondering if you've seen the evidence for yourself (the alcohol bottles, etc?) or if it's just his word, as some people tend to cover up lies with other lies. If it is this, it seems that his drinking problem is what probably partly ruined things, perhaps he may have messed up badly at work and was trying to fix it (and drinking is supposed to ease the pain?), there's still many gaps in this story, but I'm sure, hopefully, you know all of the details to tackle it. Yes, the economy sucks, it may get worse, it before it can get better, it may get better soon before anything, who knows. In the mean time, we have to do what we must. I won't presume to tell you to not worry about finances, because that's probably the #1 stressor in everyone's lives. But I suppose use it as a motivator. I can't continue to stress enough (I know that you're doing it already) but to limit unecessary expenses as much as possible. (I continue to see my parents make silly mistakes concerning finances, even included me in their debt...now I can't fully follow my dreams...). Same goes for a friend of mine, who's family has a load of debt, ranging into the millions, but continue to have 2 cars, and a leased SUV.

Anyway, hopefully this doesn't ruin your marriage completely, I totally think it can be mended, as long as he does what he can to try to set things right and you two work together and are completely honest with each other.

seriously, him having a drinking problem and coming to you then going right into rehab is not a "betrayal". he had a problem that he was obviously too ashamed to tell you about but when he realized he could no longer control it, he came to you and asked for help. i know what dealing with an addict is like but you have to understand (which i'm sure you learned in counseling) that his addiction has nothing to do with you. i have to say honestly that i'm surprised and shocked that you said that you felt like killing yourself. that's a very selfish way to deal with something like this and to me it paints a picture of what you are like. he was the one dealing with something and you were the one who felt like dying. granted, this is not the issue anymore, this is now about debt.

i suppose you simply have to ask yourself this: is a debt enough to make you leave the life you have, to leave the man you love? you are the only one who can answer this question but seeing as though you asked for opinion, don't leave your husband, it would be stupid.

sorry if i'm blunt.

i think him getting a steady job would be a good answer. either a part time job that he could work while still running his business, or he might have to forget about the business and get 2 jobs to help get rid of that credit card debt. $20,000 at 30% a month? wow. i guess his credit is probably tanked, but if he can try to get a good balance transfer rate so that you're not just paying the interest & you're actually putting on the principal balance, that would help. i'm sorry that your relationship was so great before this and no one had any idea what he was doing. counseling if you can afford it would be a good idea. good luck to you.

The real problem is not his drinking or his overspending; it's the fact that he hid it from you. Twenty years from now, he might suddenly announce that your kids' college fund has gone down the drain, too.

It sounds like you love him too much to divorce, though. And he's likeable and an active dad...I mean, you should not solve the wrong problem and I think that's exactly what a divorce would do.

I think you have every right to insist on joint accounts only, having full insight into his business and personal spending. And force long-term therapy. You have the right to certain authority over him now. And arrange with your bank that your kids' college funds/other important funds cannot be drawn from without your permission. This is the minimum.

I agree otaku- my thoughts exactly.

Well, here is my problem with this, and I think you are probably struggling with the same point--he's lied to you, a lot. And he's good at it. You got through the first lie and chalked it up to addiction, but his doing it a second time is putting everything into doubt for you, right? You know he'll probably lie again, that maybe he is even lying about something else right now. This is something only he can fix, you can't do anything about it. I would tell him that at this point, yes he needs to get a stable job and also the two of you need to get into intensive marriage counseling. If he refuses the counseling, then it is probably safe to assume he has lied about other things and doesn't want the truth to come out. It sounds to me like he has only been fessing up when he absolutely had to...that does not make him a hero. I'm not saying it can't be saved and that you can't get through this, I'm just saying that he is going to have to put a lot of work into this-you shouldn't be the one doing all the work to fix his problems.

Littlefrog, thanks for the clarification. I agree with others that the lying/hiding it from you is the real concern here. I can't imagine how that's eroded your trust in him. And yes, addicts are usually charmers who win the affection of those around them, making it even harder to detect when something's wrong.

I don't think you'd be out of line to sit down with him and a short list of requirements for the marriage to continue. You can't continue to put your future at risk, and you don't deserve to be with someone you can't trust. Some requirements that I would consider:

Attend marriage counseling weekly.
Attend/continue AA meetings weekly.
Turn over/give you access to all credit cards, lines of credit, debt statements, etc.
He needs to find a full-time job and have his paychecks direct-deposited into the household account.

Any less shows he's not willing to change . . .yet. In which case you need to decide if you can still live like this.

i completely agree with Luisa. he will always find something to fall back on. and YOU need to be more involved. i don't understand how you could not know about the debt he was racking up and also his alcohol abuse. does he not live at home with you? how COULD you NOT know these things? if youre going to give him another chance you need to be prepared to take control of EVERYTHING of every minute of the day. he's someone that needs constant supervision like a child. so be prepared to be his mother too.

I would say that she should at least forgive him for the "secret" ( which I doubt was truly a secret it never really is) drinking problem because being an alcoholic is a disease and would she leave him if he had cancer, heart disease etc? The financial situation is much different, that is something that I would say she is justified in not forgiving, if after counseling she is still having doubts and question I would say that her decision has been made and that she truly wants to leave him she just doesn't know how.

i'm sorry...but in a situation like this. this is not the board to come to for answers. you need to find a professional. just my opinon. best of luck to you.

Wow!! OTAKU you are not just blunt, you are plain cruel!!! Of course she feels betrayed and it's normal that causes depression. She is not only handling the children, her work, financial problems, the household but also a lying husband. Littlefrog, I truly feel for all you are going through. Your husband is supposed to help you with the household, the bills, and the children, and not add to your duties. Everyone is focused on how you should help your husband. Please please focus on how to help yourself. Depression is serious and affects the whole family, more importantly the children. Seek help for you and focus on making yourself and your children happy. You and them should come first.

since the $20K was business expense and his business isn't making enough to pay the bills, couldn't he file for bankruptcy (i don't know the ins and outs of business, but it's not something anyone else has suggested)? that would (possibly) free you from that debt and allow you to start all over, financially at least.

as far as everything else goes, i've lived with someone who had an addiction, and i know it's not as black and white as some of these responders are making it seem. it very much is a trust issue, and i, for one, do not trust easily (with friends, boyfriends, family). i, of course, didn't have children in my situation, nor were we married, so it was easy to walk away. but you do have my sympathy. i do agree with those who recommend counseling. if he still gave you butterflies up until the point that you took these blows, i think the marriage can be salvaged...if you want to work for it. none of us can tell you what you should do; that's something you have to decide and know for yourself. i definitely would look into financial counseling as well, just so you know what you're looking at for the future. when you can see what lies ahead, realistically, i think you will better be able to make such an important decision. good luck.

I completely agree with otaku and Marni. Seeking help from one's wife for a drinking problem is far from a betrayal. It would be a betrayal if he DIDN'T confess to you, and DIDN'T agree to go to rehab. My boyfriend is a recovering (because they are always recovering) addict. I WISH he would confess to me when he's slipping or having trouble, and I WISH he would agree to go to rehab. I wish I'd been "betrayed" as badly as this poor OP!

My father was an alcoholic who also suffered from severe bipolar disorder. He drank away my college fund, and verbally and emotionally abused my mother, my siblings, and me. When my mother left him, she became my hero. Many woman are too scared to think of life on their own, but my mother thought of her kids first and foremost and in doing so, gave my father the final push he needed to get serious about becoming sober and mentally well. He has been sober now for over a year, and my mother is financially stable and in a supportive, loving relationship with a man who is a healthy father figure for my younger siblings. The point of this story is that making the choice to leave can be very, very scary because you are turning away from what you perceive as "safe" and going into the complete unknown. But seeing my mother's strength in making the tough decision has made me and my siblings better people. Best of luck.

havex, i'm sorry you had to go through that...but thumbs up to you!

A lot of you make mention of her not knowing he was racking up debt. It's easy not to see it when they open cards behind your back and sneak around. My mother was in a marriage with an alcoholic who also happened to be abusive. When they finally got divorced there were all these odd loans he had taken out without her knowing anything about them. It doesn't matter if you stay on top of them or not, they'll find a way to be sneaky about this kind of thing. I can't place any blame on the wife in this case because I know what my mom went through with this type.

That being said, If you don't want to stay in a relationship with this man then don't. I'm not a fan of divorce, but sometimes it's the only option. If you choose to work on things, make sure that you are the one in control of the finances. Sign up for one of the credit monitoring sites so that you can check both your credit and his credit EVERY month. Not every 3/4 months like normal. He will need to give you unlimited access to his social security number, paychecks, etc.

~~~~~

It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life.

Wow, i really don't know how to approach this, since Im so young and haven't gone thru much in life. But the question was "Should I forgive him or should I JUST leave him". I think he should be forgiven, because no one is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. He didn't betray you, he came to you with the problem, and was obviously seeking you help and companionship. He doesn't hit you, or abusive you verbally, and you said he his a good dad to your children. Give this man a chance. YES, he has a problem. You are his wife and to give up on somebody you love, who is a good dad to your young children, is really selfish to me. It amazes me, how money can make people fall out of love. Your situation sounds like it can be worked out. Marriage is not easy, it has the good and the bads, but I wouldn't give up on the man without a fighting chance. I agree with everyone who said you now need to be in control of ALL the finances. Good Luck =]

Trust is very hard to earn, at least in my life and experience, and once it is broken, I tend to bring it up... over and over again. If you are at all like I am, this marriage would just be miserable because any time a fight would break out, I would hold it against them. I know some might say this is bad, but I can't help it.. it's the way I am. Once you wrong me, I highly highly doubt I will let you in again to do it again.

If this were me, I would consider a separation. You supported him the first time and like another poster said, who knows? Five years from now, you might find out he is cheating. Ten years from now, you might find out he spent your hard earned savings for your children. Fifteen years from now... you get my point.

I don't know what to do... like someone else said, you really need a professional. I just hope that if you would get divorced, you wouldn't be pinned down as responsible with half of debt (I wouldn't think so if you didn't cosign.. but I'm not positive about anything like that?)

WOW. I had no idea this would spark such an interesting debate. Thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and constructive support. I don't expect to get an answer here, but I really need to talk about it and sometimes that's just too hard in real life.

Just to clarify some stuff:

1. We have always gone to counseling as we needed it, both before and after we were married. While he was secretly drinking, we were in counseling because other issues were popping up that we needed help dealing with. In all our sessions during that time, he never talked about drinking or the feelings that led him to drink. I think that's a clear betrayal, since we were trying to work on our relationship and be honest with each other, but he was hiding some serious information from me.

2. We've been seeing an alcohol counselor for about a year now. She has, frankly, been very frustrated with him because he says he wants to change his secretive behavior, but is unable to make true progress.

3. He goes to two AA meetings a week and meets with his AA sponsor every weekend. We have counseling sessions at least once a week. This week we have three appointments--happy holidays, right?!

4. For those who don't think he betrayed me by hiding his drinking: While drinking, he drove drunk multiple times with me and my children in the car. He endangered their lives and everyone else's on the road because he couldn't admit that he'd been drinking. Gambling with my kids' lives is unacceptable. If that's not a betrayal, I don't know what is.

5. He has given me full access to all of his accounts, but I honestly find it hard to keep up with them on a daily basis, in addition to everything else I manage in our lives (and I now manage everything). I've asked him to give me a weekly rundown of important information, which he claims to be willing to do, but won't actually do it. Again: He shows interest in rebuilding trust and working on our relationship, but is unable to actually follow through on anything. I appreciate his desire to change himself, but I'm not banking my future on his "desire" for anything--actions speak louder than words, right?

I think the best thing we can do right now is have him get a "real" job. For now, that's our next step.

WOW. I had no idea this would spark such an interesting debate. Thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and constructive support. I don't expect to get an answer here, but I really need to talk about it and sometimes that's just too hard in real life.

Just to clarify some stuff:

1. We have always gone to counseling as we needed it, both before and after we were married. While he was secretly drinking, we were in counseling because other issues were popping up that we needed help dealing with. In all our sessions during that time, he never talked about drinking or the feelings that led him to drink. I think that's a clear betrayal, since we were trying to work on our relationship and be honest with each other, but he was hiding some serious information from me.

2. We've been seeing an alcohol counselor for about a year now. She has, frankly, been very frustrated with him because he says he wants to change his secretive behavior, but is unable to make true progress.

3. He goes to two AA meetings a week and meets with his AA sponsor every weekend. We have counseling sessions at least once a week. This week we have three appointments--happy holidays, right?!

4. For those who don't think he betrayed me by hiding his drinking: While drinking, he drove drunk multiple times with me and my children in the car. He endangered their lives and everyone else's on the road because he couldn't admit that he'd been drinking. Gambling with my kids' lives is unacceptable. If that's not a betrayal, I don't know what is.

5. He has given me full access to all of his accounts, but I honestly find it hard to keep up with them on a daily basis, in addition to everything else I manage in our lives (and I now manage everything). I've asked him to give me a weekly rundown of important information, which he claims to be willing to do, but won't actually do it. Again: He shows interest in rebuilding trust and working on our relationship, but is unable to actually follow through on anything. I appreciate his desire to change himself, but I'm not banking my future on his "desire" for anything--actions speak louder than words, right?

I think the best thing we can do right now is have him get a "real" job. For now, that's our next step.

As much as things are complicated with marriage and especially with children involved, separation and/or divorce in your case would not be unreasonable. It's not abandoning your partner because there is a money issue or an addiction/illness issue. It doesn't sound like he'll ever regain your trust again. Frankly, I personally would not be able to trust someone like that again if I were in your position. Again, I have a feeling more lies will come out, when he needs to seek help from you, NOT when he feels the need to tell you because of guilt or new-found conscience or love --> THAT is a major difference, especially relevant for the debt issue. He doesn't seem like he is walking the talk either, even though it is plain to see that this is a major problem and a big deal to you because showing interest is NOT ENOUGH, just like confessing up to you up until the VERY LAST MINUTE is not good, not a "good guy". I don't know when you'll regain love and those butterflies feelings for him again, or if you ever will, but without this loving feeling towards him, the future road to recovery is going to be challenging. Conflicts will arise. Do what is BEST for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. He has been utterly selfish to you and your family. Do not think you've any obligation to save him from this mess, just do your best with helping him within your means, BUT your children needs you and you need to lead a healthy life for your future and theirs as well. Best of luck and be strong!

i Hope you have a nice holiday season. Please put this to rest for now and give yourself some space. THen in 2 weeks, start to decide what to do. Perhaps you should get an attorney to see your options.

My biggest suggestion would be to make the decision for yourself and not your kids. If you can't trust him or can't get past the betrayals it's not going to work. That being said... I'm the first person to tell you that love is always enough. If you love him and want things to work out than they will. It seems like these incidents were related and you didn't mention if he was still sober. Also, is this debt just in his name? I'd make him pay it off while you paid your own bills and I'd keep separate accounts for a little while so you know he's paying it off. I hope things work out for you and your kids and that you make a decision that is right for you.

littlefrog, even with your clarifications i think you are thinking way too hastily. i kind of feel like you seem to think that a man or a marriage should be perfect with no flaws. many women would be happy if the only thing wrong with their relationship was a man who was actively trying to combat an addiction and some debt. i understand that he drove drunk and that is not acceptable.

i honestly think you need to re-evaluate what's important to you and understand that flaws and problems come with marriage. also, people are flawed. if you love this man get over it and move on.

i'm sorry but i feel like i'm wasting my breath for some reason. again, i apologise if i'm being blunt but it sounds like you need some bluntness. who knows.

littlefrog, I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I've seen similar happened to someone I really care about. I think that you're just emotionally drained and you're feeling burdened with the whole thing. I think you know that nobody is perfect/flawless, I won't accuse you otherwise.

For someone who's not used to dealing with someone with addiction, especially a partner whom you trust and love, it's really hard to accept them hiding/lying and being so unmotivated to change (move on/forward ) and then depending on you for income and other things.
I think it's hard for you to have to support your family financially, then your unhealed hurt from his lies has to take the backseat to helping him 'heal.' It can feel too much at one time. You're not a professional. So you need to remember to take it one step at a time if you still want the marriage to survive. You need to be able to vent and continue with solo therapy as well as couple therapy so that you guys can work on issues that are unresolved.

He has to do his duty too. Aggressively seeking for a job, and not minding a job that may pay less than what his business USED to produce, is one of them. I suppose you can see how he does with the job thing, because it is the most logical step for him to take to help out financially and hopefully he can either apply for bankruptcy or whatever possible to help with his debt without burdening your whole family. Just watch how he does, and not aggressively nagging him if you think he's not doing enough. Observe his progress when you're not nagging, if things don't change, then you may have to think up other options.

I know it's tough, but you may still have to be solely responsible for your household management (money, etc), if you can find someone to help, a professional accountant or someone like that, to help, that's going to be better, I suppose.

In the end, you have to be the one who decide if you want to leave the marriage or not. But I do suggest forgiveness for your husband even if you're not going to continue with the marriage anymore. It's always good to maintain great relationship with your ex-partner so that you guys can co-parent peacefully.

I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do. Right now, try to focus on the positive with the children, enjoy each other during this Holiday season and I hope you have a good one.

I think we are married to the same man!!.exact same scenerio. Mine is not an alchoholic but is using it as his crutch along with food(snacks) and has put on 30 lbs becuz of it as well. I have done all the things you have done and my husband as well keeps lying. i just ran his credit and he racked up another 42,000 in debt to save his ailing business(totaling 70 G) which i kept offering to help with(answer phones, paperwork, etc but controlling brother in law only lets HIS kids work there - for large salaries as well.. macho pride? ha! i think you and me both are enablers. I can't leave him either but know i should and deserve better. I am no seeking counseling of my own because i was so depressed(clinically) because of the disbelief that he can keep doing what he has done and not change or face it. It is just plain weird and I am so disappointed. My husband though has done some impulsive things prior to this as well like giving his brother 10 G the month after we were married(brother a scammer) then did something foolish 5 years later that cost us 25 G. yes it's only money but when they are tight on YOU on spending and you have to work to pay for these FOOLISH mistakes time and time again. what is the point? I hate life anymore. yep poor me!

I googled 'how to forgive my husband' and got this post. Before I begin, please refrain from asking this woman how she could 'not' know what her husband was doing...She's a wife...not a babysitter. A wife shouldn't have to keep up a wall of protection in a marriage and babysit her husband. It's no one's place to question her in this way either. Whether she had an idea or not. She has done nothing to deserve this.
I'm a smart girl. I budget WEEKLY with my husband and chart out our bills/payments with our banking account. He got into gambling and wiped out 10,000 of funds that weren't even 'our's'. He has a promissary note and we had to pay almost the same cost of our rent each month to pay off the debt. We were almost finished and I had cut pennies, nickels, and dimes to make life less miserable with this huge financial burden. My checking account was setup to email me if there were any withdrawals. Unknowingly, he got into the account online and changed the password and the email alerts now went to his email. He went through leaps and bounds to cover this up the second time. He made up so many stories that I don't know what is real anymore. Everytime that I almost caught him, he had been one step ahead with the lies. He must have been so stressed out!
I don't know all of what he was into other than poker. All I know is he betrayed me AGAIN. I even rode the city bus each month to cut our car insurance and gas expenditures. Then, he continues to sneak out to the casino and throw away our rent money. He borrowed through internet loans online without me knowing...all kinds of loans here and there. It finally caught up to him and he lied to the very end.
This time, I immediately called our parents and our pastors. He had 3 options. He could leave and figure out what it is that he REALLY wants...go to his parents and live with them...live free and work to pay off the debt or he could go to Teen Challenge. (www.teenchallenge.cc) He chose Teen Challenge. He realized that he was extremely hooked into gambling and really wants to stop now before it ruins his life. We are in our twenties...no kids. It's a perfect time to nail this thing and move on. The program is 12 months and he has been in it for four.
In the meantime, I was given a job overseas and we are separated but I think it's a good thing. I think that it's healthy. We are both working on ourselves. I have had people question my character in this whole thing. I don't know where they feel the right to point fingers but, I feel sorry for them. I will not tolerate this decietful lying behavior that my husband is doing as a part in my life. I'm tired of my life being wrapped around resolving issues that did not even include my decisions or knowledge. So, for this year, it's just me and Jesus. He is the Restorer. I have wanted to divorce my husband as I don't know if I'll be able to fully trust him ever...that is what hurts the most. All I know is that God is the one who ordained our marriage. My spouses free will has made a mess of it. I would so quickly throw in the towel now but my husband made all the phone calls and dr. apts to get in the program. He is going through a year of supervised phone calls and once a month visits to make this alright. His father is a crack addict and he is wanting to end the addictions for the men in his family. Even though I admire him for continuing through with this, I still find it difficult to forgive.
If my husband wasn't making effort...I'd be done. I think the biggest question is knowing 'when to walk away'. How much do we tolerate? When has it gone too far?...There is no defining line of when enough is enough. I have seen a counselor. That is a really good step. It's helped me quite a bit.

If my husband were still home and I was going through what you are dealing with, I would probably watch him for the next 30 days to see if he makes any real effort to make your family a support system. If not, I would look into separating for awhile. If he was being a father, your finances and provision would be a top priority for him and he seems to still be lacking that. I hope the very best for you and your family. I'll be praying for you as I understand how the lies do throw like punches. Please know that God has you in His hand and no matter what happens...He will give you the strength you need to make all these decisions. (It would be good to see how 'separation' can be a healthy option rather than divorce).
Thanks for listening,
Krissi
Please keep me in your prayers as well.

I googled 'how to forgive my husband' and got this post. Before I begin, please refrain from asking this woman how she could 'not' know what her husband was doing...She's a wife...not a babysitter. A wife shouldn't have to keep up a wall of protection in a marriage and babysit her husband. It's no one's place to question her in this way either. Whether she had an idea or not. She has done nothing to deserve this.
I'm a smart girl. I budget WEEKLY with my husband and chart out our bills/payments with our banking account. He got into gambling and wiped out 10,000 of funds that weren't even 'our's'. He has a promissary note and we had to pay almost the same cost of our rent each month to pay off the debt. We were almost finished and I had cut pennies, nickels, and dimes to make life less miserable with this huge financial burden. My checking account was setup to email me if there were any withdrawals. Unknowingly, he got into the account online and changed the password and the email alerts now went to his email. He went through leaps and bounds to cover this up the second time. He made up so many stories that I don't know what is real anymore. Everytime that I almost caught him, he had been one step ahead with the lies. He must have been so stressed out!
I don't know all of what he was into other than poker. All I know is he betrayed me AGAIN. I even rode the city bus each month to cut our car insurance and gas expenditures. Then, he continues to sneak out to the casino and throw away our rent money. He borrowed through internet loans online without me knowing...all kinds of loans here and there. It finally caught up to him and he lied to the very end.
This time, I immediately called our parents and our pastors. He had 3 options. He could leave and figure out what it is that he REALLY wants...go to his parents and live with them...live free and work to pay off the debt or he could go to Teen Challenge. (www.teenchallenge.cc) He chose Teen Challenge. He realized that he was extremely hooked into gambling and really wants to stop now before it ruins his life. We are in our twenties...no kids. It's a perfect time to nail this thing and move on. The program is 12 months and he has been in it for four.
In the meantime, I was given a job overseas and we are separated but I think it's a good thing. I think that it's healthy. We are both working on ourselves. I have had people question my character in this whole thing. I don't know where they feel the right to point fingers but, I feel sorry for them. I will not tolerate this decietful lying behavior that my husband is doing as a part in my life. I'm tired of my life being wrapped around resolving issues that did not even include my decisions or knowledge. So, for this year, it's just me and Jesus. He is the Restorer. I have wanted to divorce my husband as I don't know if I'll be able to fully trust him ever...that is what hurts the most. All I know is that God is the one who ordained our marriage. My spouses free will has made a mess of it. I would so quickly throw in the towel now but my husband made all the phone calls and dr. apts to get in the program. He is going through a year of supervised phone calls and once a month visits to make this alright. His father is a crack addict and he is wanting to end the addictions for the men in his family. Even though I admire him for continuing through with this, I still find it difficult to forgive.
If my husband wasn't making effort...I'd be done. I think the biggest question is knowing 'when to walk away'. How much do we tolerate? When has it gone too far?...There is no defining line of when enough is enough. I have seen a counselor. That is a really good step. It's helped me quite a bit.

If my husband were still home and I was going through what you are dealing with, I would probably watch him for the next 30 days to see if he makes any real effort to make your family a support system. If not, I would look into separating for awhile. If he was being a father, your finances and provision would be a top priority for him and he seems to still be lacking that. I hope the very best for you and your family. I'll be praying for you as I understand how the lies do throw like punches. Please know that God has you in His hand and no matter what happens...He will give you the strength you need to make all these decisions. (It would be good to see how 'separation' can be a healthy option rather than divorce).
Thanks for listening,
Krissi
Please keep me in your prayers as well.