I hyphenated as well when I got married. Now I'm divorced and I was thinking just to keep my own name in the future marriage unless my new bf would DEMAND me to take his as well - but I'd still hyphenate, not drop my own.

Keep your name, and don't feel forced to take only his name. From experience, it's one of my biggest regrets. Ask him to take yours, or hyphenate, maybe he will understand when put in those terms. Good Luck.

Keep it. Tell him you appreciate how important it is to him, but that you already had this discussion and resolved it, and now you feel he's being unfair by bringing it up again.
It sounds like he's having an emotional reaction to it since he has no definitive logical reason. He probably feels hurt or maybe he is just nervous and needs some reassurance?

My last name is hyphenated as well with no regrets.IMO it's a personal choice and it sounds like you guys had already reached a compromise. You're both committed to sharing a life with each other and that should be the most meaningful part, not whether you change your last name or not.

I hypenated as well. If your family name is important to you, then your future hubby should understand.

I changed my last name completely - but the decision was easier for me because I had a very weird last name which I really didn't like and I was excited to get a different one which happens to work really well with my first name. Also, for me, changing my last name meant I was really committed to the marriage and not thinking 'Well, if we get divorced...'

I hate my last name and can't wait to get rid of it.

I wish I had kept mine or at least hyphenated it. Taking your husband's name is outdated and makes the women seem more like a piece of property than a partner IMO.

I don't think it is outdated and cant' wait to change mine, but then i think, if i do, the family line will end unless one of cousins decides to have kids, but he is older than me and has not yet. Why not just have 4 names i.e. "first name middle name last name (yours) last name (his)?"

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Why don't you wear the face you have when I am not around?

I certainly don't think it is outdated since I took my husband's about a year and a half ago. I never even thought of not changing my name. Growing up I always thought it was a very special connection for a couple to have. But that is just me. Plus I wanted to have the same name as my children. I don't think it is weird or bad for you to want to keep your maiden name. My aunt kept hers. I have a friend that has two middle names now, her original and her maiden name, while taking her husband's last name. I lean toward my friend's idea rather than hyphenation since I don't like hyphens.

I can understand that you are upset about him bringing this up out of nowhere. On the other hand, it probably wasn't really real to him until recently when you decided to get married. He may see it as a rejection of some part of him. For some reason the name thing inspired some really serious emotions.

I would have another go at the conversation. Again tell him why your current last name is important to him. Then ask him to explain why you taking his name is so important. Tell him he has to give you at least one reason or you can't understand his point of view. Take what he has into considertion and then decide if you are willing to compromise. Compromise is such a huge part of marriage. You have to be willing to give up things, but you always need to know the things you can't budge on.

Oops...the name thing inspires emotions, not inspired.

I personally don't like my last name, but I am planning on changing my last name to my mother's maiden name (which she changed her last name back to after spliting with my father) and then I will probably hyphenate. It just so happens that my mother's last name sounds good hyphenated with just about anything, so it seems like a good idea. Also, I would want my husband to hyphenate his name if I did... that seems fair to me... and our children, too. I mean, they're products of both of us, right?

I'm not married, but if I ever to marry someone, I plan to keep my maiden name. It's MY name. Plus, from a professional stand point, I'd like to be consistent...

I say keep your name. You had the conversation and came up with a valid compromise so he needs to accept it. I have a friend that was forced into changing her last name because her brand new husband booked a plane ticket with his last name without discussion. She was planning on changing her name after the trip because she didn't have a lot of time to do all the running around required to get everything updated before. So she ended up having to take almost an entire day to run around everywhere to get ID updated on top of that she had to drive up to Seattle from Portland (3 hours each way) to get a passport rushed to even take her trip (Rush fee's $127).

I think it is a nice tradition. It's nice - but its just a tradition. I am very proud of my name and I would want to keep it. It is who I am? Why must I take a mans name to make me who I am?

Would you feel comfortable doing the double name?

I have a VERY distinctive name (as you can guess from my user name) and my boyfriend and I used to argue about this all the time. I feel that forcing women to change their name (the one they've had for two decades at least) is antiquated and gives women a sense that they are not their own person -- they either belong to their father or they belong to their husband, with no choice of their own.

I already know I won't change my name. I understand this may cause a problem when I have kids, and I don't want to force them to hyphenate or create a jumble of the two names (remember that scene in "Father of the Bride II"?) but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I would not be comfortable with a doulbe name as i would only be comfortable taking my husband's last name. old tradition or not, it is a tradition. You all may call it antequated but it by no means makes you who you are if you change your name. It just adds to who you are. i am all for feminism, but not feminazis.
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Why don't you wear the face you have when I am not around?

I got married last June and did not change my name and I am so glad I stuck with my convictions. I also told my husband long ago that I wouldn't change my name (when I was little I would tell my sister I would make my husband take my name) and then as the day got closer he started hinting that he wanted me to change it. He kept making "joking" comments about it and I finally sat him down and told him that he new what he was getting into proposing to me and I was always honest with him. I did tell him that if it was really really really that important to him I would consider hyphenating or changing it but wanted him to know that I did not want to do it and I would ONLY be doing it for him. He basically said that it wasn't that important to him but that he would like to be able to put his name down for things like name tags at parties or introducing me which is fine. I still have my generic last name that I love and I really appreciate that he understood how important it was to me. Long story short KEEP IT!!!

I wish I hadn't given up my name when I got married. In away it feels like I gave up a part of my own identity.

I definately want to change my last name. I always consider that when in a serious relationship - is his name cooler than mine. I wouldn't date a guy whose last name was Faggart or Pigg or Suggs because of that. (Yes, those were real guys).

I think that this decision is a personal one, and there are arguments for either side; my decision or anyone else's isn't relevant.

What does matter is how you feel. I think you should be concerned that your future hubby is demanding you change your mind on a previously decided issue. In other words, I think that it would be just as bad if you had previously said, "I want to take your name when we're married" then he later said, "I demand you retain your name."

In my opinion,the issue here isn't whether or not you change your name, but why your fiance thinks it is cool to order you to do either now that he's going to marry you. Maybe you could ask him to explain why this has become such an issue for him now.

Finally, I don't think that we should make judgments on each other based on whether or not we choose to take on or not take on our (future/current) husband's name. I don't think it is fair to call a woman who retains her name a feminazi, nor do I think it is fair to call a woman who takes on her husband's name antiquated or backward. Name-calling just isn't cool.

i kept my name-but maybe you could take your last name as your middle name.

I changed my name after a lot of soul searching. At the end of the day, I decided that my maiden name represented my past and my new name, my future.

I think the need for being independant plays a part of the whole surname scenario. I plan one day to keep my maiden name just because it gives me that sense of being independant. Don't know why. It's just how I feel.

i like the way my last name sounds, but i am not sure i want to keep it since i feel it represents a part of my family that i don't know or care to deal with. if i marry my boyfriend, i wouldn't mind taking his last name.

it would be like shedding someone who was a shadow in my life (my father) and replacing it with someone who is physically present and always there for you. i'm a bit of a hardcore feminist but true feminism respects choices and this would be my choice.

sorry, had to correct that the part of my family i don't want to deal with is my father's side, not my siblings (love them too much!)...

I kept my last name for professional reasons (I'd already published under that name...) but I kept it as a middle name which allows me the flexibility to use it when I want and not have to hyphenate. Hart is my husband's last name and as we travel a LOT, live abroad and will continue to move around in the world, I figured it would be easier to have it for the sake of travel visas, travelling with our children, etc.

It's a personal choice but do NOT back down just because you are pressured. Do what is right to you.

Making my former last name a middle name gave me lots of flexibility...but that was just how I felt comfortable dealing with it

I kept my last name for professional reasons (I'd already published under that name...) but I kept it as a middle name which allows me the flexibility to use it when I want and not have to hyphenate. Hart is my husband's last name and as we travel a LOT, live abroad and will continue to move around in the world, I figured it would be easier to have it for the sake of travel visas, travelling with our children, etc.

It's a personal choice but do NOT back down just because you are pressured. Do what is right to you.

Making my former last name a middle name gave me lots of flexibility...but that was just how I felt comfortable dealing with it

sorry for the double post!

I'll change it...like somebody said...the past is the PAST...I like looking ahead and making a FUTURE together...a new family.

I go into marriage not thinking about divorce and not thinking about how easier it would be to just change back, you know...maybe that's your fiance's issue...he might think you lack commitment...and he's old fashioned.

I don't think this has anything to do with expecting divorce, or past versus future. Its a personal choice regarding YOUR NAME, make the one that is best for you and forget everyone else.

keep your name if you want to, i don't see what he's getting his panties all in a bunch for. how would he feel if you suggested that he change his name? it sounds like he has insecurity issues he needs to work on. i know lots of men feel like if the woman doesn't change her name then she isn't really committed to the relationship (which is total BS).
i kept my last name, i like it and as much as i love my husband i couldn't imagine changing it to his. i would never change my identity just to satisfy his male ego, and we're still a family even though our names are different.

some guys are just ADAMANT that their wives take their name, it's so strange. my bf has the philosophy that it's okay if i don't want to change my name, he'll just go find someone else to marry. lol and honestly, i've tried the whole, "well, how would you like it if you had to change your name?" thing, and he's like, "if it was the tradition, that's what i would do. but it's not. i don't like opening doors for women, but it's a tradition, so i do it." it's like a sign of respect for him, the whole following traditions thing. honestly, i don't really care all that much. my identity is not wrapped up in my name, i could change my name to princess consuela banana-hammock and i'd still be the same person! so change it, don't change it, hyphenate, whatever. it's a personal decision between a man and a woman (don't EVER think for one moment that he doesn't have an opinion on it, they all do!), and i don't judge anybody for their choices.

lol katie225! i love that episode of "friends."

I think taking their name implies ownership, and marriage is a partnership. Hyphenation just makes sense if it's an equal realtionship.

The thing here that disturbs me is _out of the blue with no real explanationhe's decided this new "rule" or whatever. He really needs to give his reason no matter what-you deserve that. If he give no reason than like "Because I said so!" HA! Then you know you're in for a world of trouble & that he thinks marraige means power over you & ownership. As they say "marraige changes people" & you dont want him turning into someone like that & you become a mousy wife. Not that you would-but you want to stay on equal ground-50/50. If you agree to this & not feel it's right in your heart-you may harbor unconscious resentment that me meade you give up a part of yourself you treasure.
I do love what someone above said about letting go of the past & moving into the new future...etc...I think that's lovely but your reasons for hanging onto your name sound very noble & WONDERFUL to me. Marraige isnt about letting someone reshape & mold you & losing yourself!
Keep the lines of communication open & talk talk talk. This is to be your best closest friend for life! Wouldnt a best friend explain why they didnt like something to you? Friends dont keep things as big as that a mystery.
If he refuses to talk-then I'd say the wedding is off until he feels he can open up & trust you with his reason-otherwise you'll have a BIG sign from the beginning something's not on equal ground.
I love many old traditions like a guy calling & pursuing US first.We wome are so insecure if a guy doesnt pursue US-how will we ever feel confident We were the one he chose-the one that caught his eye -but this may be for another thread.
As far as a name-no days I think both names should be put in a hat-scrambled & make one new name for both!
I think it's silly of him(even though i dont know his reasoning) It's not like his name won't be carried on! You are taking his name! If you look at it that way- i thin it's very healthy....You are carrying his name-but not surrendering up some of your own roots. I think it sounds perfect. What about the children though? Are you wanting them to have the hyphenated name as well or just his? THAT would be a bigger issue for him to deal with.
He's gunna have to spill the beans -that's all there is to it! We cant sit around trying to figure out WHY he's decided this! How silly.
I'm wondering all kinds of things like-Is he prejudice about Italians in some way & maybe doesnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you? That's what I'd be thinking if he wont give a reason. He has to know you love him enough to be able to share his reason even if it were something like predjudice. Maybe an issue that needs to be worked on. Let us know when he finally talks. If he doesnt talk....we have ways of making him.......Girls!!! Get the duck tape & a rope!!!We got work to do!

(Not making fun of you or him- just teasing-although isnt that what most of us wish we could do to these guys to get real answers out of them!? ha!)

~LOVE~BEAUTY~TRUTH~FREEDOM~
I was feeling like #8's comment about wanting you to be his property. Make sure that's not where it's coming from. He doesnt want "To Love honor & OBEY" in the vows as well does he?? Better ask him about vows!

I think it is out dated; however, I am not totally against taking his last name. I think it should be your own choice. I totally understand you wanting to keep your last name, it signafies who you are!! Be strong and do not give up!

The 2 of you mad a previous agreement and now out of the blue he changes his mind. This is not something you should take lightly. If you cave, then he will think he can change your mind on every other issue. Do what you feel is right for you.

I hate my last name (I get prank calls around the holiday season...that's all I'll say), but don't know if I'd want to give it up. My name is part of my identity and I don't want to have to sign another name. It took me a long time to perfect my illegible scrawl, I don't know if I want it to change. I may decide to hyphenate it.

I think that in this day and age, when we all have CHOICES that it's not out-dated, or implies ownership in any way. To me, when we marry it will be a UNION of our families. That is the most important part. In that union, the choice should be made together. Sit down with your finance, and hash out the situation. You should EACH be ready to compromise and come up with a solution that matches your UNION together. Marriage isn't about ownership, isn't about being an individual. It's about the melding of two individuals into one entity. You have the whole rest of your life to be making compromises in this relationship. This is a good time to start working on those skills. You might surprise yourself, and he might surprise you.

When I got married, my husband really wanted me to change my name, but he told me it was totally up to me if I didn't want to. I decided to change my name because I didn't really have strong feelings about it one way or the other, and I realized it really meant a lot to my husband. However, in the weeks after the wedding, I realized it was harder than I thought. It really did feel like losing part of myself! We talked it through and he told me again that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to. But eventually, I realized that it wasn't going to change who I was, and I wanted to have the same last name as my kids eventually. Plus I have a brother to keep the family name alive. I kept my last name as my middle and took his last name. I still haven't changed my signature, though! Fortunately no one seems to care that it doesn't match the name on my credit cards.

Changing your name is a big step- its a huge part of your identity! Do what feels right for you. One couple I know both changed their names - It was important to her to keep her father's name out of respect for where she came from, and it was important to him that she take his name as well. She added his name to the end of hers, and he changed his middle name to her maiden name.
I would discuss with the boyfriend that you thought the matter was resolved, but be open to a creative solution.

Start a new tradition and create a new last name. For example, my cousin's last name was Smith and her husband's last name was Matthews.

They both changed their last name to Smitthews.

Personally, I took my husband's name. I'm old fashioned and buy into the whole thing ... I can see where he may have an issue with it. I wish you luck in getting this resolved w/o breaking up the relationship!

(Just a small note FYI - I work in law enforcement and I have seen the whole hypenated name thing causing a LOT of issues in computers and with paperwork in general. More often than not.)

Femnazis? oy* You have to be kidding me.....

oh, i hate the term femnazis, don't use it. whenever women want to keep their name all of a sudden they're uppity or 'nazis'. ridiculous. there is nothing wrong with being a lucy stoner. lucy stone was a strong woman who fought a hard battle to keep her own name after marriage, don't taint it with a term best used for facists who commit genocide.

bluejeanie, that was a question on Millionaire tonight, about Lucy Stoner.
Freaky things like that happen to me all the time. lol

sorry if I offended anyone with term feminazi. someone had a view that was very radical to me, as radical as that term is. And, i think there is nothing wrong with keeping ones name, i was just defending my point of view. However, the term feminazi does come into play in other arenas, IMO, esp some of the more radical feminist groups that don't represent my views on almost everything they talk about. Not trying to stir anything up with that, i just wanted to explain where I am coming from

jinx, was it really?

cravin, there is no reason to compare a "radical feminist group" to a group of people who were racists and commited genocide. you don't have to agree with them but they are not nazis.