My boyfriend's very close family member is dying. He is going to see her soon, but it is close to the end. Sadly, he's already seen a lot of his older family members in the same situation. He is the type who holds his feelings in and handles them privately, but I can tell he is suffering. I'm trying to give him time alone without pressuring him to talk, but I feel like I should show some more support even though it's his nature to withdraw.
No one close to me has ever died so I have no experience with this. What's the best way to support him while he is grieving? What should I say? What shouldn't I say?
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Jimmy Choo
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Moschino
Having been through something similar myself I found it hard when people were all over me.I just wanted to grieve in my own way and that didn't involve a lot of talking straight away. Everybody has a different way to deal. I would just let him know that you are there for him and when he is ready he will come to you.
I hope it all works out well and I am so sorry for his loss.
1A good guy friend of mine is going through the same thing - he lost a grandpa last week and has another on his death bed. Just be there for him, whether he wants to talk about it, get angry, watch a movie and avoid the topic, etc. Don't force anything.
2I agree with both of the people above! Definatly don't force anything! That's not the answer. When I had close ones pass, I usually wanted to be alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it! But then after awhile I opened up to people about the situation. It made me feel better. In your situation be there to comfort him! Be near him and let him know that you're there for him when/ if he wants to tell you anything! Spend more time with him! Let him deal with it in his own way and everything will be fine... as long as you're there for him!
3I'm sorry for his loss and I hope the best for his family and your relationship!
I've been here too many times, unfortunately. There isn't much you can say. There isn't much you can do. Don't suffocate him or force him to talk, because people need to grieve in their own ways. Right now, just be there for him. Just let him know you are there and supporting him.
I know when I was grieving, I wanted everyone to leave me alone. It was nice to know they were there if I needed them, but I had to do things in my own way and own time.
I'm sorry for his loss. I wish you the best.
4nothing is sometimes the best thing you can do. just sitting there by his side, holding his hand.
5I agree with what's already been said. Having been in your boyfriend's place, really the best thing you can do is let him alone, but be there when he needs support. And definitely NOT talking about it unless HE brings it up is key.
And also don't push him to "get over" it. Death of family members isn't something you GET OVER, it's something that you have to learn how to live with. For some people, it may take months and even years to actually deal with the loss.
***note: if, however, he starts displaying destructive behavior or something serious, or if after a long period of time [6 months to a year] he doesn't seem to be doing *any* better, encourage him to talk to a mental health professional, particularly one that deals with grieving/death/loss. He might need more help than you can provide.
Best of luck to you. It's great that you're asking questions about handling the situation.
6Give him his space but be prepared for a hug when he needs it. My husband lost someone close to him shortly after our engagement. I stepped back because it took a while to hit him that she was gone and then I was luckily there when he needed some support. You can't plan it.
Also don't say things like, "I understand" or "I know" because you don't. Let him know that you are there for him. It is honest and not trivializing.
7the best thing you can do since you havent been in the same situation and don't know what he's going through is just be there for him. when he wants to talk be there for him but dont push and prod him into telling you how he feels all the time, and theres no need to constantly tell him how sorry you are cuz he will just get aggrivated and may say something he doesnt mean. don't offer your opinion or advice unless you are asked and even then carefully watch what you say. its a sensitive subject and one that you have not yet gone through so he may use that against you if you say anything wrong or try to push him into confiding in you about it.
8Yeah, this is a tough situation, and I've been on both sides of it. All you can do is be honest with him. Tell him that you know he's hurting, you know you don't understand what's he's going through, but you love him and you're there for him in whatever way he needs. You only need to say this to him ONCE -- then you don't need to bring it up again unless he does. If he's a private person, he'll most likely continue to grieve on his own, so there's no need to talk about the situation a lot. But knowing that you're there just in case...that can really help.
9When my granny passed away, I wasn't even sad at first because I couldn't really believe that she was dead. But after a year or so, it hit me. And I went through a tough time for years. I don't think you need to say much. You should let him know that you are concerned and you truly understand how difficult it is for him and be there for him.
10Actually, since we learned my Dad has cancer, the only person who's been doing everything perfectly is my boyfriend.
So I'll just tell you what he does: he sees when I'm blue and understands I don't want to act needy and go whine over to him, so he comes to me himself, takes me in his arms, and says he's sorry I have to go through such hardship. He never tries to tell me it's going to be okay, because we all know that it's not; he goes along with whatever I'm saying, that it's unfair and horrible and the saddest thing in the world, yet at the end he manages to place that one word to raise the moment above plain horror: "maybe this chemo will work, so please hang on to some hope". And he asks me about my Dad. Every day. And that's the nicest thing he does, because it shows he really cares, not just about me, but about my Dad's well being, even though they barely know each other.
So I disagree with everyone here. I don't think you should leave him alone unless he comes to you - because some of us don't like to look needy, so we don't say that we need comfort, but we're very grateful when our significant other gets it and gives it anyway. And I really think you should ask him how the person is doing, regularly, and whether there's anything you can do - for him, or for them.
That's what works for me, every day, for the past 6 months. So that's what I would do, and I'll try to do when someone in my life is going through the same hardship I am at the moment.
11Just be there to listen. Don't force a conversation. Let the person know that you're there for them.
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