Dear Sugar,
About two years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I had been with for three years. Throughout our relationship, he lied to me numerous times about drinking and drugs, as well as his actions with other women. He would vow to change each time but never did. He also made me feel guilty and accused me of not loving him anytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him — be it a family function or a night out with the girls. I never had the strength to break up with him because I was sure we loved each other. I alienated myself from all my friends and he became my everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him but convincing myself that I deserved better was a very painful process — I slowly realized that I was in an abusive relationship.
I've made a few new friends but haven't dated since. I've recently, for some reason, started thinking about my ex again. The logical part of me knows he treated me terribly, and I thought I had made my peace with the whole ordeal, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him. I really just want to move on with my life and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, but I just don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? — Hurting Heather
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Dear Hurting Heather,
Abuse does not belong in any relationship so I'm glad to hear that you've ended things with your ex. With that said, it sounds like you became pretty dependent on each other so it's no surprise that you're still holding onto feelings for him. When any relationship ends, good or bad, it takes time to move on. Keep reminding yourself that you do deserve better, and I also suggest you speak to a therapist — she could help you work through your feelings and thoughts about the abuse you endured, and help you make progress in the moving-on phase.
Having a healthy relationship is possible, Heather, but you'll have to let go of the past before you can work on your future. Lean on your friends and family for support and remember that with time, all wounds heal. Good luck to you.
Bottega Veneta
Repetto
Earnest Sewn
I was also in an abusive relationship with a man for 5 years and eventually left him and moved on, but sometimes, i find myself thinking about him, where is he, how is he doing, I google him, search on facebook/myspace/wherever, and then think "why!?!" maybe because i remember the good parts now, maybe the "fixit" person inside thinks he learned his lesson and is a better person and you really wish that is true. When you invest that much time, love and energy its hard to turn away for good
I had to really lay him to rest, and stop worrying or wondering for my own sanity.
1Honey I feel for you, learn to love yourself pick up new hobbies and don't feel like you had to date...in college the first week we started dating he tried to push himself onto me and I broke it off. But he stalked till the end of the semester (about 2 months) it was the scariest thing and my family pushed me into this guy who was amazing but I was not ready to date and it ended ruining our relationship. Now a year and half later I still have not dated I am being picky and making sure I know the guy....just take care of yourself and surround yourself with great friends who will allow you to grieve that relationship and the pain surrounding it.
2The people that hurt us the most are the hardest to forget sometimes, so I feel for you.
3Try to focus on yourself, invest time on things that make you happy. I am sure you had dreams and aspirations before you met him try to remember what they were and concentrate on making them a reality!
Best of luck!
My oldest friend came out of exactly the same situation as you, except that not only was her ex emotionally abusive, but also physically abusive. At first they seemed like a great couple, but the relationship ended up going sour - something that went on for years (even though we all told her to end it). She thought that they 'loved eachother enough' and that she could 'fix him', but after numerous break ups and finally the physical abuse, she ended it for good. This was after alienating all her friends and family, just like you. Eventually we all found out what had happened and just rallied around her and she found her way out of it.
At first, she talked about her ex a lot. Not only to me, but to a professional as well. I think it was important for her to get it all off her chest. She was angry for a long, long time - and to this day doesn't talk to him (and now, doesn't talk about him either).
I think about a year later, she met a guy she really liked - someone who was genuine and nice. A few years on and they're still happily living together.
So the point I'm trying to make is, that you have to accept it's over, talk about it to someone, get it all out of your system and then close that chapter of your life. Just close the book, and move on. You have to make a DECISION to move on. You can only move past it once you make that choice. And then, things will start falling into place - you'll probably meet a great guy who treats you like a HUMAN BEING instead of a piece of trash, and then realise what you were missing out on all that time.
4I'm sure everyone would agree with you when I say, I'm proud of you for getting out of that relationship. I agree with DearSugar advice on this one. One thing you should keep in mind is that everyone is different, your ex is an individual and different from everyone else, so if or when you do start dating again you can't lump your ex into your new relationship, or you may end up recreating the scenario. At the same time I'm sure this experience has helped you see the signs of such an abusive relationship. No matter what relationship, you have to be an individual. Yes it's about being partners, but you have to take care of yourself first. If you neglect yourself, you'll lose yourself, and eventually turn over all control of yourself to that other person [to do whatever they like with you]. Be proud of yourself, don't view your past as a failure, rather as a triumph. It was a huge obstacle, but you got through it. It's not easy getting over it, but you have gotten through the hard part. All that's left is the remnants. You have friends, and if you're still close to your family, you have them too. Let them be there for you and help you. And always be proud of yourself even if you think you can't make it, just remember that as long as you breathe, there's hope and you can make it through anything.
5You're minds playing tricks on you. people usually remember the past as pleasant, even if it wasn't.
6You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Forget about him once and for all. For your own mental health.
7I absolutely feel you on this one. I was in a relationship with an abusive guy for 4.5 years, and when we first broke up I found thinking about him a lot. Not in an "I miss him" way, but in a way that I expect is normal when someone consumes your life for such a long time, and isolates you from others. I would definitely recommend talking to someone about your situation. It helps, a lot.
8First of all, good job for getting out of the relationship, that takes a lot of strength! Go you!
Whenever you have a thought about him, good or bad, MAKE yourself think about something else. Have a "go to" good thought that you put in place of the thought about him. For example, if you love shopping, think about new stuff you want or stores you want to visit soon whenever you think about him, until the thought of him goes away.
That also works with things to do, whenever you think about him, go for a run, paint a picture, etc, whatever you like to do that takes some focusing so you don't have time to think about him.
Your brain is smart, and it knows he is bad news and you shouldn't go back, but right now, it's probably still in the habit of thinking about him. So kick the habit by making your brain stop that!
Also, you could try writing a list of everything he did that was mean/bad/wrong to you, and whenever you think about him, go get that list and remind yourself why you don't want him.
And don't worry about dating again yet if you don't want to. There's no rush, if you aren't ready you aren't ready.
Oh and I agree with sundaygreen about getting it all out of your system. My last ex wasn't horrible, but we fought a lot and there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship, and I never talked to anyone about any of it, except what the ex and I discussed/argued about. So recently I just got into a new relationship, but sometimes I would just get so angry about stuff that happened with the ex, angry and frustrated to the point of just crying I was so frustrated. But the new bf listened to my complaints and let me get it out of my system (that happened a couple times)...and now I don't even care, I don't want to talk about any of it anymore. I'm actually over it, past the point of caring either way (loving or mad). So don't worry, you will get there.
9Get counseling, fast.
10i think that it's common to have thoughts about someone that you were with for so long, but you have to keep reminding yourself about why you got out and why it wasn't healthy for you to be with him. i hope that you see that it's ok to take some time to find the right person to be with after that relationship -and that you don't have to jump right into something with someone new. every time you think about something that you like about him and it makes you want to get back with him, remember the times that he was lying to you and being abusive because it would be horrible to put yourself back in that environment.
11Aw, hugs! I am proud of you too for getting out. And think of it this way: you have stayed away from this guy for TWO YEARS, which is a long time, and a big accomplishment, so you are a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for!
I think you should contact old friends you might have alienated, with an explanation of your behavior. Look at all the people on here who were in a similar situation- some of your friends are bound to be understanding. And do the whole taking up new hobbies to meet new people thing.
Also, get therapy! Even though it's been two years, this relationship obviously had a huge effect on you, and you deserve some guidance and counseling.
Finally, one of my friends was in a similar relationship. A couple of us even staged an intervention at one point. It seems stupid, but it was hard for her to realize what an ass her ex-bf was until she started dating another guy who was incredibly decent to her. Now, I'm not saying your ability to move beyond this should depend on some other guy (and what if he's just as big of an ass!!), it should come from within, but it was certainly one of the many things that finally made her understand how bad it had been. And her situation wasn't as bad as yours, and she still can't be around her ex because it would be hard on her. So avoid him!
12I agree that you should seek therapy to help you sort out your feelings. That way you can move on to a healthy, happy relationship.
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