There's not much really you can do here yourself. It's more or less something he has to realize. From what I get from your post, you're trying to put in as much passion as you can, but being a guy, us guys tend to be stupid and no see any signs or take some things for granted. I've been on both sides. To me it sounds like what's mostly lacking besides appreciation, is physical intimacy. The most you can really do is talk to him about how you haven't been feeling appreciated lately but you can't really change him or force him to change. Maybe one night get rid of the cat somewhere, make a nice mini dinner, dim the lights have a nice dinner, maybe talk for bit, I guess set a relaxing mood, then after dinner, perhaps make a few moves .

On the other hand, there's plenty of reasons why there may be lack of intimacy. He's probably either, extremely comfortable with the relationship, or there's something bothering him that he hasn't voiced.
I'm not going to jump right into saying this relationship might have run it's course like others might, but eventually if nothing changes (after some conversation), you two might need a break, or he'll have to realize what he's missing.

I agree with the above. When you do have this talk with him you need to be to the point. With my knowledge about men, which isn't that much, but they need it to the point. You need to say "I need sex" "I need sex now" A lot of guys don't get the hints we put out, and just need to say exactly what you need. As for the quick emails back saying I love/miss you, I don't think that is something that every single guy does, on his side he does do a lot of other boyfriend type qualities ie hand holding and stuff. If he did that in the beginning but not now, then like above he might just have gotten too comfortable in the relationship, you do live together so it's hard to really create the mystery because you see everything of one another.

i more or less agree with what has been said ^ but i think that maybe you could try being less affectionate towards him, stop sending the messages for like 2 months and see if he notices, if he does don't go straight back to them because he might say why haven't i got any l8ly...just say "o? i didn't notice hunny...." don't let him think he can get everything his way from you, make sure you have your say in the relationship too, he does sound pretty boyfriendy in the way he hugs and holds your hand in public, hes proud of you...what you might see as affectionate he might see as clingy though...you could always do things on the sper of the moment....like njau said, i need you now...and like this...make sure you get a bit of what you want...if you're not getting enough pleasure atm go out and find things that make you more independent, go out with the girls, go to a yoga class go to a dance class, he might appreciate you more....

Just to add a little after thought, I've partly been where he is, I didn't really appreciate what I had at one point, and I took me awhile to get a wake up call in general. The over affection could hurt things a bit maybe. Or he may not know how to be the type of bf you may be looking for. I withdrew from her a bit and found the excessive loving a bit smothering at times, since we basically talked 24/7 for about 2 1/2 years. I don't know or think he's cheating on you, but I'd probably lean more on the fact that he just got comfortable with the relationship and it's lost that honeymoon touch everything keeps talking about...as I've also gone through that at one point. Frankly, I wish he read this thread as he needs this advice more than you. At some point I know for a fact you'll get tired of it if nothing changes. If he's a really good guy and you're a really good woman, hopefully he'll realize sooner than later what hey might lose. I agree, as hard as it might be, tone down on the affection a bit as it may come of ass clinginess, and instead focus a bit on yourself for awhile. Hang out with some friends maybe take up a side hobby or do that thing you always wanted to do as a single girl but couldn't do because there's that significant other because maybe he doesn't like to do it or something (sort of like listening to certain music only you like or something, or go kart racing or something I don't know). I don't know if he will or not, but he'll eventually miss the attention. As someone said, the living arrangement may contribute to the comfortably also. But I do see what you're getting at here a bit. You're not really looking for the subtle cuteness, but some actual PASSION like every relationship needs. I agree with Njau you might have to spell it out or put it bluntly, as us guys can't take a hint sometimes, okay most times. You could on the other hand wait for him to be alone in the bedroom, then show up at the door dressed in sexy lingerie .

Hmmm...
You guys only have sex when you're drunk? That's kind of sending red flag to me.

I notice from your post that you've put so much emphasis on all the things you've done for him and how you've talked to him numerously in order for him to respond back passionately (in YOUR perception of passion), how you want him to be romantic, etc...I don't know, but have you paid enough attention to what's going on with him outside your need for more passion/romance?

Look deeply and see if he's feeling depressed/stressed out, pay attention if he thinks you're suffocating him or your powerful need for more affection/passion and nagging him to pay more attention to you actually drives him away from telling you if he needs any help.

There's always a possibility that he may not feel the same way about you but the comfort is what's making him stay around too (that's the bad news). Maybe you guys need to have communication, about what's really going on between you guys instead of discussion about how he needs to respond and initiate romantic stuffs numerously.

The reason I suspect that something is going on with him is partly because of how you guys end up having sex. I mean, if he has to get drunk to get intimate, it's like he's avoiding something. For me, sex is like a mirror of your relationship, if it's that...detached, there may be something not so good going on. Find out and resolve your problems or break it off with him (if your relationship can't be helped anymore).

Good luck, OP.

P.S. I agree with GScott, you may want to kind of cut it with the smothering, and find more interest beside him (instead of making him like..complete priority because of your love and you've got no life left outside the relationship).
And NJau has a good point, I always ASK my fiancee too what I need. He never has to guess what I want/need because it's spelled out so clearly LOL, I don't 'play the guessing game.'

And guys are different in expressing their expression of romance, what they consider romantic may not what YOU want/consider romantic--but not to say that they should totally take us for granted too!

Very well said by Hope2Be, and to add to that about making him priority, I've noticed with my own and a friend's relationship, that making the other person number one priority to the point where you forget yourself tends to ruin things. It ruined mine for awhile. One reason why I withdrew a bit and resentment grew for both of us. She basically made her whole/most of her life around me. And I felt as though I had to be at her beacon call because of it. I more or less felt trapped, and she became miserable because I didn't always react how she expected. Of course there are plenty other issues that affected our relationship, but after taking a break, she's learned to be more of an individual, as have I. I'm not saying you need a break, but you both probably need to learn how to be individuals and work that into being a couple. Kind of like two separate parts fitting together to make a whole, but still able to work as individuals. I'm more in love with her now because of it, and she's noticed how much I've changed. It helped a lot. Not saying I know the answer, because everyone has to find their own, but from experience, just be prepared for different reactions. And like Hope2Be said, there's probably other things going on with him, so he my not react immediately or the way you want him to, even if you do spell it out. Anyway, I'm sure there's plenty good advice to come.

PS, try not to force a change, as it doesn't always work and can further resentment. The change isn't so completely about what you want as much as it may be what he needs to see or understand (if I'm wording that correctly). Just adding from my own experience. He's obviously not me, but you should sit down with him and talk, just in general and about what's going on with each other.

First of all, has he always been like this? If so, stop whining. You chose him, this is how he is, and he's not going to change. If it's not what you want, end the relationship and move on.

About the kitten, I know what you mean. When my boyfriend and I are cuddling on the couch and my cat comes over and he immediately goes to pet her instead of me (ha ha) I get jealous for a sec. Then it's like, wait, that's a cat. Get over it. I'm glad he loves animals as much as he does.

If your boyfriend's behavior is a newer thing, I'd say he's checking out of the relationship and not sure how to deal with it. Living together before marriage is almost always a huge mistake - maybe you can learn from it in the future.

I have to disagree with Luisa about living together. I live with my guy and I am very happy that I chose to do this. Luisa, I think you are really generalizing. Perhaps it is a mistake in some cases, but I know many people who are happy living together. Besides that, marriage is not an ultimate goal for many people, so I really don't understand your reasoning. Anways, I think that I agree with someone else on here who said men do not respond to subtlety. You cannot do things for him that you want him to do and hope he will catch on. You need to tell him EXACTLY what you need from him, and why you are not happy. But I would suspect that the lack of affection is symptomatic of bigger problems in the relationship, especially since you said you guys don't have sex unless you are drunk. I think there must be other problems going on here that you didn't mention in your letter. Have you considered couples counselling? The thing is though, if he has actually checked out of the relationship and is not willing to make any effort, I don't think that you can repair the relationship on your own, you both need to be commited to doing so. If you are making all of the effort and he is doing nothing, then stop doing it right now. I really agree with GScott86, and I think you need to tone down the affection and start to focus on yourself more, and on the relationship less. Once he sees that you are independent person with your own life, he might start to crave more intimacy. I think that is a general tendency for many women to give something to their partner when they are missing that thing, but men do not catch on to these subtle behaviours. Besides that, you will just end up feeling resentful because you are giving more than him and yet you are still not getting your own needs met. Focus on yourself more often, and stop going crazy over the relationship. I also think that after you have done this, it is time to have a talk with him about exactly what you need from him. If he is not willing to make any effort, then the relationship may have run its course. Good luck to you.

Hahaha, you're working on getting more romance. If you want passion, be the aggressor and be passionate with him instead of waiting for him to make a move. Grow a pair and initiate! Get some skanky lingerie (NOT what you think he'd like, what you feel sexy in), and toss it on while making dinner for him. You can't talk your way into passion, you have to lead by example.

umh ...why don't one of u leave the other for a trip overseas, for at least 2 weeks ?

my exn and I were in the situation u described. i wasnt complaining. i am not a very passionate kind of person.

my ex travels quite a lot for his job, sometimes he doesn't go home for 2weeks+ at a time.
When he does this, he gets home quite needy ...

or .. just "disappear" for a while .. for a few weeks. get bz on ur own, but still maintaining close contact.
he'll start looking for u.
don't cave in, don't see him, limit the time u see each other.
the point is to make him stop taking u for granted & make him miss u.

when he starts looking, but he cannot see u, he'll start in his hunting mode again.
put the distant, still. act bz, pre-occupied. don't see him. but keep on communications.
while communicating, keep telling how much u miss him & what would u do to him or what would u like him do to u, when u guys get together.

just an idea.

Gee, I hate to tell you but... this is how my last relationship ended. He got less and less affectionate, I tried everything, he wouldn't have sex unless he was drunk - a huge change from how things started three years before, very passionately. I got extremely frustrated - I'm in my 20s, it's unfair to be tethered to someone who refuses to have a sex life and refuses to even discuss the issue.

There were other things that ended it of course, but sex was the manifestation. We cared about each other very deeply even after we parted, but there was nothing *I* personally could have done to fix it without his help, and he refused couples counseling, which I was really angry at him over. We'd lived together for years and had talked about getting engaged...

Looking back, he definitely fell out of love without realizing it and just refused to deal with it. I'm glad I got out when I did. I hate to tell you that there is not a lot you can do - you may need to let him go, or wait until things get so bad that he leaves you first.

Yeah, and telling him "directly" you need sex? That's called nagging, and it definitely makes things worse. As I said, I hate to tell you, but I think your relationship is ending. It took me months to understand what was happening in mine - good luck.

I just wanted to say that you are neither a "dumbass" nor "smothering" as some of the other commenters have said. Your situation is really common, so you're not stupid for asking about it. And "smothering" is not a problem if you and your SO are well-matched. My boyfriend and I would both be considered "smothering" by most people but for each other, our level of affection is just right. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are mismatched. Talk to him about how he's feeling, give it a chance, and then let it go if it comes to that.

Having sex only when drunk? You practically have to beg to have sex? That's just sounds like he's probably not sexually attracted to you anymore. Sorry to say it, it's hurts, but if you man can only get it up for you when he's inebriated, that's not a good sign. But fear not. All relationships, once past the honeymoon section will hit a snag, and it sounds like this is the time for yours. The best thing I could suggest is maybe refrain from being so affectionate. If he notices and brings it up, let him know exactly how you feel. If he doesn't then, you have to make the hard decision on whether this is a relationship you wish to continue to be in.

I agree with Hope2me. My last real relationship got to the point where both of us felt so comfortable like a married couple that there was no more real passionate french kiss or long foreplay before sex. But since both I and my ex were quite sexual, we had sex almost everyday or even few times a day. I find it odd that he'd only sleep with you when he's drunk. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, I'd consider sitting down and talking to him about it first and then go see a counselor together.

Sorry, Hope2be, I typed your ID wrong. There really sure be an edit function.

I agree with princesseab, this is how things started with my ex before he left me. There was no affection anymore, I would do everything and try to be perfect and then maybe he would realize what he had. Well he didn't, and I was lonely and frustrated, and one day I confronted him on it and he said he wanted a divorce. You deserve a guy that gives you affection and wants to have sex with you, even without alcohol involved. In my case my ex had major depression and lots of personal problems he kept from me, and once he left and I finally let him go (like a year later) he cleaned himself up enough to realize what he had had all along and wanted to get back together. Too bad I moved on and realized I deserved more than he could give me.

My advice, don't want for all this to happen. Confront him head on, say you are unhappy in the relationship because he doesn't give you what you need and tell him what you need. If he isn't going to try to give it to you stop wasting your time with find someone that will.

Good luck!

I very highly doubt any healthy male in a happy relationship will consider it *nagging* if his girlfriend told him "I need sex now". He would consider it AWESOME. I honestly agree with GScott, it's kind of a guy thing. They don't generally need as much attention and affection as we do, so they forget that we need extra! I have to remind my boyfriend sometimes, and he certainly doesnt think I'm nagging. He loves me, why would he? Honestly, if you tell him what you need (and are not getting) from the relationship, he should be glad, he should want to make you happy. If he thinks it's nagging, that's when I'd say let him go. You want to be with someone who wants to make you happy! It's not like your needs are unreasonable.

I also COMPLETELY agree with what some of the other posters said about taking some of your focus off of him. I had to do that about 6 months in to my relationship. Everything seems a million times worse when it's all you can think about and you over-analyze everything. I had to literally find other things to fill my head with so I wouldn't obsess about what (i thought was) the impending end of my relationship. But we got through it, and now I know how to knit!! LOL

Well Angela, I'm here to tell you that my ex considered it nagging.

This also happened to me in one of my longer live-in relationships and I agree completely with princess. There is either too much comfort, he's preoccupied with something, or feelings are waining. Unless you talk about it with him AND he's willing to work on it or aknowledge it, it's not going to work out.

I discussed my needs with my ex, who repeatedly gave excuses for the lack of sex. I ended up taking a lot of the advice of people on this thread and dressing up, doing a LOT of fantasy play, etc, but all it did was delay the inevitable for several months.

As much as I love living together, I really think this happens mostly when people live together! It's the familiarity combined with fewer consequences in breaking up that makes a relationship less likely to survive the rough spots.

This also happened to me in one of my longer live-in relationships and I agree completely with princess. There is either too much comfort, he's preoccupied with something, or feelings are waining. Unless you talk about it with him AND he's willing to work on it or aknowledge it, it's not going to work out.

I discussed my needs with my ex, who repeatedly gave excuses for the lack of sex. I ended up taking a lot of the advice of people on this thread and dressing up, doing a LOT of fantasy play, etc, but all it did was delay the inevitable for several months.

As much as I love living together, I really think this happens mostly when people live together! It's the familiarity combined with fewer consequences in breaking up that makes a relationship less likely to survive the rough spots.

I think this subject has been covered pretty much...but...I have one thought. So often in life we go thru the motions of life and in doing so over-looking the precious people around us. Sometimes all that is needed is to look that person in the eye and remind them that you really do care, surprise them with a passionate kiss, and make an effort at least once a week to make that person your priority... and interestingly they often begin to return the favor.

Have a couple of "remember when..." moments and recreate them...making new memories and rekindling that passion.