Dear Sugar,
I met this guy in college and developed a major crush on him, but nothing ever happened. After graduating we kept in contact via email, then after a couple months, we met for coffee. We got to talking and he told me that he's been attracted to me for some time now, but informed me that he was in a relationship with someone else. He said he needed to figure things out on his end before getting me involved. I let him know that I too am attracted to him, and that I still wanted to maintain our friendship.
He emailed me about a week later and suggested we meet up again — I agreed. This time we went to a cafe in the evening and talked for several hours. I know he is with another girl so I wanted to be respectful, but the whole time we were together I was thinking about how much I like him. When we left the cafe, he told me he wanted to do it again sometime, but what does all this mean? Does he just want to be friends? Is he keeping me around just in case he and his girlfriend break up? Am I setting myself up? Please help! — Unclear Claire
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Dear Unclear Claire,
Since you've both been open about your attraction for each other, I'm left wondering some of the same questions myself. He wasn't very clear as to whether or not he was planning on ending things with his girlfriend, so I assume he's just trying to get to know you and decide if that's the decision he wants to make. This is a classic example of why the line between romance and friendship is so thin — I bet his girlfriend wouldn't be too pleased if she knew her boyfriend was sitting at a cafe admitting that he's attracted to another woman!
The only way you'll know what his intentions are is by asking him. You deserve to know what he's feeling so you can prevent being led on. I'm sure you enjoy his company, but if you have a different idea of what your relationship is all about, you're bound to get hurt. Be proactive and talk to him about where he stands with you, his girlfriend, and his intentions for the near future. Hopefully getting everything out on the table will make it easier for you to decide how to proceed. Good luck!
Woolrich
Paul & Joe
Naf Naf
the nail was hit on the head twice here - the first by the poster
"Is he keeping me around just in case he and his girlfriend break up? "
the second by Dear
" bet his girlfriend wouldn't be too pleased if she knew her boyfriend was sitting at a cafe admitting that he's attracted to another woman!"
this guy sounds shady, regardless. if the first is true (he is keeping you in the wings just incase) he sucks, and even if not, he still sucks because he's wooing another girl behind his girlfriend's back
get away from him!
1I say, be respectful you know fully well he's in a relationship and right now that's a situation that you don't want to be in. If he's confused as to his feeling between you and the girlfriend, don't set yourself up for heartache. I would suggest keeping your distance for the time being. Don't meet him in cafes or anywhere else for that matter and tell him how much you like him, your feelings for him are only going to grow stronger if you do. Let him figure out what he wants and needs to do. The only good thing I see here is that at least he had the decency to tell you he's in a relationship, a lot of guys wouldn't. Now have the decency to respect that.
2You know that saying "having your cake and eating it too." Get away now before your heart is too invested. If he breaks up with his girlfriend in the future, he can pursue something with you then.
3Ehm...any guy that is systematically flirting with another girl beyond his girlfriend's back, telling the girl he finds her attractive, is actually keeping her on standby, and is a toad. Once you're with him, he'll do it to you. Stay away from this guy, you never want to be the standby girl.
4I have one of these guys in my life right now, and I flat-out said to him, "I don't think your girlfriend would be too happy if she read your e-mails to me." He settled down for a while, but recently popped up again. We met for coffee and there's definitely attraction, but I decided to keep my distance. Dude is having ladyfriend troubles and I don't need to be a part of that in any way.
I agree with people who are saying that you should get away. He can call you and hang out with you when he's single. Otherwise, what's the point? It is drama waiting to happen.
5Honestly, I would proceed as if it were just a friendship unless he said otherwise. There's no reason to suspect he believes there's more going on unless he tells you, and cutting him off this early would be a huge overreaction, IMO. I'd just let things play out; worst case scenario, she'll have a new guy friend. Big deal.
6boys just wanna get in ur tutu
7^lol, not all, just most.
8I think he has you on a slow boil. I've been in this before. It's like he's keeping you around "just in case." If you're okay with being someone's JIK girl then fine, but if not, walk away. But definitely recognize what you're in now.
9Well, this boy certainly wants a back-up plan if things don't go right with his current gf.
10I'm in a similar situation right now and its so frustrating. I'm trying to go back to platonic again. Because I'm pretty sure I'm the one with the stronger feelings here.
11You basically went on a date with him considering you both admitted you have feelings for each other. So what if he leaves his GF for you, who's to say he won't do it to you? After all he did do it with you.
12i can relate to this situation because i play the role of the guy in this story. I have a great boyfriend but i still keep in touch with this guy i've know for 5 years now. I don't want to have to lose touch with a great guy friend just because i'm attracted to him and i'm in a relationship with someone else.
I think as long as you know where you stand in the relationship, you can continue talking to him. Just make sure you can control yourself if things go down the deep end.
13I think it is crappy that he would tell you he is attracted to you BUT he is in a relationship with someone else.
If he truly wanted to just be a good friend to you, he never would have said that, especially knowing how you feel. It just put hope for something more in your mind to keep you thinking what if, but he still can give himself pats on the back for telling you he has a girlfriend. This is so manipulative, please see that, and don't get me started on his poor girlfriend.
There are all kinds of players out there, and this is "Mr. Nice Guy" player.
Don't buy it.
He is shopping for something new, and you are in the cart. He just has not made it to the check-out yet.
14There are so many PEOPLE in the world who you can be friends with and certainly a large amount of people you can feel a connection with ...and date..drop this loser. As some one said..sounds like you are back up girls. He obviously chose his gf over you in the first place....if he was THAT interested in you he would have dated you not his gf. Chances are, even if he breaks up with his gf..he might mess around with you for a bit..and than find some other girl to date and be his gf...that's typically the role of the back up
You deserve a better 'friend' (but let's be honest ...you can't be friends ONLY with someone you are attracted to...feelings will get hurt or develop and drama will ensue) and you certianly deserve a better man!
15Him saying that he "wanted to do it again sometime" doesn't have to mean ANYTHING, he may just have been polite and friendly.
Either way, until he's free, he's off limits in my book. Any guy that would cheat on a girlfriend is a wuss anyway, and I wouldn't want him on my arm.
16bellasugar is right, she's honest and you should be too
17I read this psychology article not too long ago about how a large percentage of people in relationships have someone that they are keeping "in the wings" which does not make them cheaters, but they have a "back up plan" and it also increases their overall self-esteem and actually has a positive effect on their primary relationship making them overall happier.
Now, this obviously sucks for the "in the wings" party, which you clearly are. If you are interested in not being single, you need to move on. Turn him into a guy friend and pursue someone else.
18i agree with dear and bella sugar, dont get involved till you know he is single, its not fair on you or his girlfriend. i think the past two times he is trying to figure out who he likes the most, obviously its not going to last a life time with his gf if he is already having doubts, or maybe he wants to start something with you on the side for his own thrills, i wouldn't give in untill he is a single man.
19Stop wasting your time and flat out ask him. He sounds like he's stringing you along.
20nice that you like each other, and that he's still keeping in touch with you. but you've got to think this over. he could do the same thing that he's doing now to his current girlfriend to you someday, if ever things progress between the two of you... take care of yourself... http://paulynramirez.com
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