yikes. Well I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and I think that I'd rather know my future husband was cheating on me before I waste years of my life married to a loser who would most likely cheat on me again somewhere down the road.

I have mixed feelings on this. 90% of me thinks, don't go there - it's none of your business. 10% of me thinks, tell her RIGHT NOW!

But, you really don't know the full story. Perhaps she actually DOES know about his infidelities... perhaps they as a couple have worked on it. Then again, perhaps not. But the point is that this is not your relationship, and as much as everyone is going to say that she should know - why should you be the one to tell her?

If anything, her future husband should be the one to say something.

I would be a big old chicken and write her an anonymous note warning her about him!

I wouldn't say anything, becuase really its not your place to say anything. Your boyfriend should be telling his friend to be a man and admit his infidelitites. I would want to know the truth. But i think you will risk losing alot of close ties if you would tell. Also if the girl has decided to go this far in the relationship and she is blatantly ignoring the cheating... maybe she wants him anyway. Some women want the fairy tale, even if the nightmare exsists underneath the surface.

hint about it and get her to figure it out. she should know what she's getting into and who this guy really is!!!!!!! better than divorce later!!!!!!!!

Just like sundaygreen I, too, would write an anonymous note.

It's true that it's not my duty to tell the bride-to-be about her guy's doings. If she's not close enough to him to get a clue then it's her own fault really.

However, imagine her getting pregnant and having a kid before she finds out that he's cheating (which he WILL do again). She'll either be dependent on him financially or divorce and be yet another overwhelmed single mom. Do we want that for the woman and her child? I don't.

Also, for myself, I'm a hopeless idealist and try to live by the ways of karma. In other words: if I were in the bride's shoes, I wish there'd be someone to tell me if my guy is cheating. Before I tie the knot.

Yes you should tell. If I were her I would want my friends to tell me if they knew something was going on! What kind of friends would they be if they weren't watching out for me like that!? And I don't understand the argument that she might know what's going on already...don't you want to make sure she knows anyway?!?! So what if she might know already...she also might NOT!!! I wouldn't risk it, I would tell her just in case.

I agree with the people saying send an anonymous note. That way she gets the information she needs without as much unnecessary drama. And she also won't be able to just attack you and act like you are trying to ruin her happiness/steal her man/etc. like people do when they get information they don't want like that. She will just have to take the information as it is.

Personally, I wouldn't consider a person a friend at all (much less a good friend) if they wouldn't try to tell me something as important as this before I got married to such a loser.

Oh man this is really tough. I think you should go to the cheating fiance and tell him that you are going to tell her unless he does it first. It should come from him. I would want to know if my soon-to-be was unfaithful but not all women are like that. Some would rather not know. Still- I really feel that she deserves better than this no matter what and ultimately even if she decides to stay with him at least she has some of the facts.

Bullsh*t. I'd tell her. This is how it goes: You're siting on vital information and you're helping her marry a cheater. If you don't tell her and remain friends with her and she finds out you knew, it'll ruin your friendship later anyway. Like Murmur314 said, just put yourself in her shoes then make the decision. At this point in life I would definitely welcome someone telling me the truth about the person I'm going to marry, ESPECIALLY if 1) My fiancee's been cheating on my through the relationship, and 2) My friend is helping me plan the wedding. If you're not comfortable with the whole thing, just excuse yourself from the planning, etc. I figure your real dilemma is probably revealing the information because it came from your bf, and you don't want to hurt his relationship with his friend, but then I think, what kinda messed up friends is he aligning himself with. I'd be worried about your bf being "in on things" like cheating with his friends. I really think you should tell her, and I don't want to open a can of worms, but you should reevaluate what kind of friends your boyfriend likes to hang with. This whole thing's a mess. I vote tell her before she makes a big mistake. If he's been cheating on her this whole time, he's going to continue to do so. That's the f*cked up. In my opinion you owe her that much, if you know that the cheating is true.

In addition if the dumb f*ck hasn't given her an std this time around...who knows when he's end up slapping her with one. I've seen all too many of these bad cases go down. Cheating guys with a pregnant wife. Pricks giving their wife an STD because they can't keep their dick in their pants. At least write her the anonymous note. It'll dampen the drama a bit I suppose. This whole situation wreaks, the fact that it keeps coming up is just lame, it's like they're bragging about it. And the whole "don't ask don't tell" thing basically shows that , if she doesn't ask, no one will tell, and anyway, scumbags don't always confess they've been cheating on you. I wouldn't go to the guy though. I think pretty much the idea of them all being in on it and bragging about it shows me he's obviously not right for her. Cheaters usually continue to cheat. He's just her fall back woman at this point. There's no respect.

From personal experience my suggestion would be to write her an anonymous note that's very detailed or go to guy himself and let him know to man up. It's hard being in the middle but place yourself in her shoes. If you were friends with someone and they knew that your significant other was cheating on you and never said anything, how would you feel. It's though being in the middle however don't allow your friend to marry someone who's habitual cheater and who based on his record will cheat while they are married.

Is the moralistic BS like knowing your place more important than saving a girl from a potentially miserable future?

I agree with sundaygreen's idea--leave an anonymous note so you still save her without being explicitly involved.

Really, I've been in both positions before. My "friends" knew my ex-husband was cheating on me. It was about a year when I caught him talking to another girl. When I turned to a friend for someone to talk to all I got was a your just finding this out... I was shocked to find out that from almost day one he was with another girl. I know what she will feal like if she finds out later that you knew and didn't say anything. I still talk to my friends that knew. They didn't want to de-friend any one, me or my ex, thats why they didnt tell. I dont blame them but I really wish I had know. Even if it was anonymously, I wish I had known. On the other hand I my boyfriend told me about his friend cheating on my sister, and I wasn't suposed to know anything about it. So I told him I appreciate his homestly and that I wasn't going to say anything. Which i didn't, I worked with my boyfriend to get him caught. I knew when he would be with another girl and told my sister to go leave a note at his place while he was gone... needless to say the other girl found it. I extremely dislike cheaters and like to see them busted.

In my opinion, I wouldn't send a note anonymously. I don't think an anonymous letter would make her believe it was really happening. Just say to her straight forward "I'm sorry, (name), but my boyfriend, your boyfriend's friends, and myself never had the courage to tell you that something is wrong. I am helping you plan your wedding, but I don't think I can do this any longer because we know that your boyfriend has been cheating on you. I'm sorry." and just maybe walk away from her bit. You need to be sincere, but gentle, and you need to tell her to her face, and let her know what is happening. That is the best way to do it. If she wants to be a b*tch and wreck your friendship over it, then let her be that way. You would be a TRUE friend for telling her.

I would DAMN SURE listen if one of my best friends told me this.

This is a very hard situation and no matter what path you choose there is going to be some sort of pain for someone. I honestly would either leave a note or sit down and have a talk with her. If it were me I would want my best friend to come right out and tell me. I think in the end she will at least thank you for not continuing to let her live a lie. I have been in this situation in the past as I was actually the girl he cheated with. He told me he was single until I found out otherwise. I told him either he can tell her or I will. He ended up doing it in the end. The point is she needs to know. Once she has the information she can decide what to do with it.

In one word...YES! An affair or one night stands, whatever they are...should be outed. She deserves to know. As someone who has been cheated on...I am glad someone had the guts to tell me.

This exact situation happened in my circle of friends. Our friend was marrying a woman who repeatedly cheated on him with multiple men--she was carrying on affairs with 3 men up to the week before her wedding!! He was completely oblivious to this for about a year while they planned their wedding, and all of us talked about it with each other regularly.

The thing we couldn't get over was, even if we did tell him, he wouldn't believe us anyway, so we'd probably ruin the friendship by saying something. At the same time, if we DIDN'T say anything, and he found out later that we knew and didn't tell him, that would ruin the friendship, too. This allowed his cheating partner to get away with this for MONTHS, because it was a catch 22 for everyone who knew--and she knew that and used it to her advantage. The only thing we could do was try to have rational conversations with him about pre-nuptual agreements and hope he caught the hint, but he was blinded by love, I guess.

Two days before the wedding, the friend that's closest to both the bride and groom told the groom what had been going on. He felt like he had to clear his conscience before the wedding, and then it would be the groom's mistake to marry her instead of his mistake for not saying anything. He put everything on the table--even the names of the three guys she'd had sex with in the previous week! The groom was very upset. He confronted the bride, she denied EVERYTHING, and the wedding went on as-planned.

As we expected, he didn't believe us. But, at least he had a hint of what was going on before the wedding. Unfortunately, he's no longer friends with any of us, really. He decided that he didn't want to be friends with people who weren't supportive of his relationship. That was sad, but we know he'll be back when they get divorced in a couple years.

If I found my best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her, then I would tell her in a second. But in this situation it's the girlfriend of the OP's boyfriend's friend.... it just seems weird that she has to be the one who should say something (even though she said they were close) - as opposed to (like someone else suggested) her boyfriend who should say something to the guy who's doing the cheating.

Then again it's pretty terrible that everyone in the friend circle knows what's going on. Plus, it's basically like they are tolerating the guy's actions by not saying anything to the clueless fiancee. If I was friends with this guy, not only would I berate him for being such a dickhead, but I would guilt him to the point where he'd confess to this girlfriend!

This is not a difficult decision -- anyone that believes it is has no common sense.
This isn't about a moral keep-a-promise decision, she is actually in PHYSICAL DANGER here.

You HAVE to tell her, all loyalties aside.

She's at risk of STI's.

No kidding she doesn't deserve to marry a cheater, but know what else she doesn't deserve? HIV.

Tell her immediately.

^Pretty much.

Please tell her.

I totally agree with hithatsmybike. You've got to tell her. I don't know how close you are with the cheating guy, but if you're comfortable, tell him that you know what's going on (don't rat your b/f out though), and that either he tells her what's happening NOW or else you will.

It's terrible that your boyfriend and the other guys know this information and are keeping her in the dark. Who knows how long he's been sleeping around, if he's using protection, if he's gotten an STD or HIV, if he's gotten another girl pregnant...that just isn't right, putting someone else's health at risk like that. You're not "stirring the pot", you're saving a life.

And who knows what else this guy might be hiding? Obviously he doesn't think enough of her to keep an exclusive relationship, or that might be too dumb to figure out what's going on. What would stop him from cheating on her after they got married?

Ask yourself this question: If you were in her position, and she was in your's, would you want her to tell you??

Ultimately, it's your decision to make, and I think you know which one is the right decision, if you really are a good friend.

You have to tell her. Anyone who is being cheated on deserves to know. But when it is one of your close friends, you are obligated to intervene. It's an unpleasant scenario for sure, but she has to know. And an anonymous note might just make things worse, because she'll have questions and not know where to direct them. The least painful way for her would be to sit her down and be as honest as possible.

Although I'm not someone who likes to meddle in my friend's business, but if I were a real friend to this girl, I'd tell her. One of my friend's hubby hit on me, and I told her in a heartbeat. Thank goodness I had the proof (he called and left interesting messages).
She thanked me because after I told her, she got suspicious and got herself checked up..and she did contract STI...since her soon-to-be ex was not only someone who likes to hit on other girls, but he's slept around on her. Basically, one warning from me has opened her eyes so much from being so long in denial that he's been cheating on her.

Sure, you'd run a risk of 1) her not believing you 2) you're being disowned by your bf and his friends.
BUT. If no. 2 happens, you'd know that you're in the wrong circle of friends (it's already wrong that they're hiding sh1t around), and if it's no. 1, it's going to be her life and let it be her decision. And remember, your conscience is going to be clear because 'tis the right thing to do and even things may turn out bad for you, you are doing the right thing and karma will reward you (just my belief).

Sit her down, apologize first for not bringing this up earlier and tell her that you've come to love her very much as a friend that's why you have gone against the guys's code of silence and tell her what's going on.

If you have some sorts of proofs, beside words of mouth, oh boy, it'll be so helpful in convincing her. And even if she doesn't believe you, ask her to go to her doctor to get appropriate testing, just in case of STIs.

uh this is tough, be her friend, your more her mate than you are to you're bf's friend... i think i know what would be best but i know how much of a position this might put you in, i suppose you will just have to do the old put your self in her position and ask your self what you would want if it were really you, if you tell her you could always ask her please not to let it be known in anyway it was you who told her,i think that like you said think how much money her parents are spending on this nasty piece of work and also think about what marriage is all based on and about...trust, true love and spending the rest of your lives together, can he really really love her if hes cheated on her countless times? and think how much worse it would be if they had children...i dnt know what the answer is but i hope you will make the right decision....

oooo that's a really really good idea! make an anonymous note, make sure you type it and don't put it in you're hand writing! and make sure its detailed enough so her bf cant just brush it under the carpet as just a joke or smthing..

I WOULD say tell her immediately except that she said she wasn't SURE if it was still going on. She found out a long time ago, so maybe the cheating stopped years ago. I would confront her fiance about it first and tell him how you're feeling and what the deal is (if he's going to get pissed at your boyfriend over it... so be it) because I don't think it's appropriate to bring something up which could potentially ruin their relationship without at least hearing his side of the story.

I would tell if I saw him. Never pass on "second hand" info.

I would go up to the cheating guy and tell him he should tell her. If he still refuses, say that if he doesn't tell her, you will. If he still refuses then you have to go up to her and tell her. I wouldn't send an anonymous letter. I mean what if years later she's still mad at the person who wrote her that letter, and all those years you have to be silent about it. Then you've still got a secret.
Good luck, it must be a difficult situation. I would also discuss it with your boyfriend because he may be totally against you going up to his friend. In that case, the situation becomes even more complicated because you risk breaking two relationships (your own, and hers). Then it becomes a matter of prioritizing, which relationship is more important, hers or yours?

Something similar to this happened in my circle and I say - you HAVE to tell her! One of my friend's husband cheated on her several times. We all saw "suspect" behavior, but explained it away or just turned our heads because it "wasn't our business". Well, when she was 5 months pregnant, she came back from one of her prenatal checkups terribly upset - turns out her husband had passed an STD on to her!! Fortunately, it was curable and she and her baby are fine. But, she went through hell - she is now divorced and a single mom. How fortunate she is that he didn't pass something worse on to her, like AIDS! You have no idea if this guy is practicing safe sex, he could be exposing his girlfriend to all kinds of diseases. I so wish that I had told my friend my suspicions right away, who knows, she could have been spared so much pain. And by telling this guy's girlfriend, you could be saving her from getting some awful STD or worse!

Tough one.

I would tell her for all of the reasons stated above, for her sake. I personally wouldn't do it anonymously, because it is too easy for her douche boyfriend to deny and too confusing for her...if you are going to tell her at all, it needs to be more straightforward.

Just be ready for this outcome:

The cheater may have a falling out with his friend, your boyfriend, because he WILL know you found out through him. Your boyfriend may then be extremely pissed at you because he told you in confidence and you spilled, and this may be the end of your relationship.

Personally, I would ask myself, why would I date someone who condones his friend cheating on his fiance'? If he thinks it's morally ok to do, how would he feel about doing it to you? He knows his friends would cover him.

Seriously....this is too much "man code" for me. When do a woman's feelings matter?

Wow, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes! I think it's pretty obvious that you need to tell her. The anonymous note is a good idea except I'm afraid she might not take it seriously. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? He has to know you're in an awkward position. He probably has some good insight into the situation since he knows everyone involved. You have to figure out a way to tell her. Can you imagine her reaction if she finds out after they are married that you knew this all along? Yikes.

This is NOT a tough one, you need to tell her and tell her now!

I agree that you should be ready for the fallout...but, I wouldn't hold too much stock into guys that will stand by and watch their buddy cheat over and over again!

As the ex-wife of a serial cheater...I wish those who knew had enough of a backbone to tell me.

Honestly, in my opinion, it is your responsibility to tell her! I think it is really sick that everyone is keeping this a secret from her. If you can't tell her yourself then do then anonymous note.

I think it depends on how close you are to this person. Is she a good friend of yours or are you closer with her partner? It's easy to say that you would want to know if you were the girl but I find it almost impossible for this girl to have NO clue about what is going on. From what you are saying, it happened on several occassions and all his friends know...she has to have an idea. Some ppl would rather be in the dark. If your friend confides in you, thats a different story. Otherwise, I would keep quiet and let them deal.

I think it's absolutely FOUL and disgusting that your boyfriend's friends and all of their friends have kept this from her for YEARS. They are all enabling her fiance's dangerous behavior and literally endangering her health. I have absolutely zero patience for people like that - if those are friends, what the hell are enemies??

Do you know any of this woman's close girlfriends? Does she have any? I would approach them and ask if they know anything about this. It needs to come out, and now. If this were me, I'd have to pretty much dump all my friends for keeping this from me.

To be honest, you should have said something earlier. I would have spoken up before I let her announce her engagement, at least it would save her the embarassment of calling it off. Tell her, but don't expect to be her friend afterward. 99% of girls will NOT believe a friend over a boyfriend, its sad but it's true. Nobody wants to believe that theyve been cheated on, but since he has been sleeping around I would tell her on principle that she could have some disease and not know it, and maybe even spread it to their future children during birth. Who knows, but there are more pros than cons to telling her.. you just have to not be selfish, and don't worry about when she doesn't believe you and cuts you out of the wedding. There are more important things.

Oh, and I would NOT go for the anonymous note. If I received an 'anonymous' letter I would just assume it was something made up or not meant for me or just some loser trying to start a fight. And, if she did find out that the note was from you, and found out that the cheating 'rumours' were true, she would probably think you were spineless not to tell her up front.

You should tell. He could have given her an STD and she needs to know that that recurrent UTI isn't her fault...

Bottom line, I agree with candace87 when she says "you just have to not be selfish." Would it create a lot of drama and discomfort for all involved, including yourself? Probably. But shouldn't she have the opportunity to decide if she wants to waste countless years with someone that doesn't appreciate her enough to be honest and faithful to her? She is going to be heartbroken either way, but she will have the chance to find real happiness with someone else much sooner or the chance to work on a MAJOR problem with her current relationship. She deserves that chance.

I've also been with someone for almost 7 years and engaged. If I were that girl, I would want to know. Break it to her gently, or at least, give her a proper hint.

I wouldn't tell her.

Consider the fact that she may already know and chooses to accept it. I think in most cases cheating is an indication of other problems in a relationship. If that is the case then she knows what those problems are. She may even suspect, but hasn't addressed it because she doesn't want to face the answer. You mentioned that the situation has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy among the friends. Could it be that the same policy applies to their relationship?

Realize that if you tell her there will be fallout. Whether she goes through with the wedding or not, she will not be grateful to you for telling her. You will be divulging information that your boyfriend told you in confidence and he will feel betrayed. Are you ready to end your relationship?

I disagree that your boyfriend's morals are in question because he "condones" this type of behavior. Really, it's not his business. Do you know if he's had a conversation with his friend about it? Try talking to your boyfriend about it instead. Ask him his opinion on the situation. You may get details about the other couple's relationship that you didn't know about. But for goodness sake, don't tell her.

You should tell. A true friend does what's best for her buddy in the long run. She may not be your friend afterwards, but later in life, she will come to you an thank you for watching out for her. It's a risk you should be prepared to accept, knowing you are doing the right thing.

Secondly, her fiance and your boyfriend may be extremely ticked at you. I as a spouse or partner would be proud of of you for doing the right thing, and impressed, but who knows with these guys.

This poor woman has potential to any number of diseases. Additionally, if she has kids..THEN gets a divorce because of cheating..not only is she hurt, but the kids are scarred for a long, long time.

If you tell her and she chooses to stay with him, then it's on her. But you've done your best to give her all the data to make life decisions about.

Good luck

jazzy: "Personally, I would ask myself, why would I date someone who condones his friend cheating on his fiance'? If he thinks it's morally ok to do, how would he feel about doing it to you? He knows his friends would cover him.
Seriously....this is too much "man code" for me. When do a woman's feelings matter?"

I agree. I might go get myself checked for STD's just to be safe.

princess: "if those are friends, what the hell are enemies??" I also agree.

Hm...this is a hard one. If i was her i would WANT to know. I think the anonymous letter is a really really good idea. That way, nothing can be tracked back to you but she would still know what she was getting in to.

I agree with hithatsmybike.

Aside from all of the emotional stuff, the major factor is that she is at risk of getting STIs (not fair when she thinks they are having monogamous sex). HIV, HPV, etc. not cool.

She should know. Just find a way to tell her that you are most comfortable with.

She deserves to know somehow. Sooner, rather than later. In my opinion, it's completely unfair not to tell someone they are being cheated on. It's ridiculous that all the guys know about this, but no one has the decency to tell her. Her boyfriend is the jerk and shouldn't be protected. I realize it's a sticky situation and you don't want your boyfriend to get involved and such, so I think the anonymous note idea is good.

my question is why is this information only relevant now? why didn't u tell her before they got engaged? if i was the girl being cheated on I'd seriously question why you didn't tell me earlier. most likely if you tell you'll come out looking bad in this situation. you're boyfriend will be mad at you for betraying his confidence. the cheater will be mad you ruined his marriage. at the end of the day so will the girl being cheated on. even though you're doing her a favor you're presenting her with a huge burden. if they're getting married they must really love each other. before you do anything like ruin their relationship you need to talk to the guy and get to the bottom of the story. is he still cheating? why did he cheat in the first place? did he ever tell his fiance? there are so many details that go on behind the scenes of a relationship that its too hard for an outsider to gage the situation properly. so before u make any decisions get your facts straight. if it turns out this guy is a scumbag then definitely tell this girl the truth. if not don't destroy the relationship and keep it to yourself

Do you care about her AT ALL?

If so, tell her. It's not your job to protect a scumbag. Protect the friends that are worth having (this would mean her, not him). She could end up wasting a huge portion of her life with this jerkwad just because no one has the balls to tell her. Understanding that he has "supposedly stopped", just tell her that, and let her judge if she's willing to believe that and stay with him now that he's (supposedly) changed.

I understand completely that you don't want to get your boyfriend in trouble with his friend. You can of course request that your friend doesn't tell where she got her information from when/if she confronts jerkwad.

Now, if she does tell, that's one less *sshole for your boyfriend to be around.

What's the worst case scenario if you don't tell?
She may only find out someday when her children are born disease ridden and her own entire future and health ruined. That's gonna weigh on your conscience.

What's the worst case scenario if you tell?
You may lose all these people who are keeping terrible secrets that puts a woman in physical danger, either because they don't care or it's more convenient for them not to rock the boat. Not a big loss, if you ask me.

I don't know about you, but the first worst case scenario is far more unacceptable to me. Therefore I would tell.

Well put, looseseal.