Steve Santagati, the author of The Manual, is back! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!
Dear Steve,
I'm no Ugly Betty, but I'm not a super model either, and I'm having a hard time meeting a man. It seems like the hot men I'm attracted to are only attracted to beautiful women — regardless of their personality — and I'm starting to feel incredibly discouraged. Whatever happened to a guy being interested in a woman for her charisma, her humor, or her intelligence? I'm trying hard not to lump all men into the same category, but not one has proven me wrong. Are men really that shallow? Are looks all that matter? — Frustrated Faith
To see Steve's answer read more
Dear Frustrated Faith,
It can be argued that men are — in fact — more shallow than women. Yes, men are more visually driven creatures and we're often obvious in the reasons behind our female selections. At least with men you know what you're up against. But women are tricky in what they say versus how they execute their mating decisions. Women are often just as bad as men, though their criteria may be different, the superficial standards garner the same results; women want someone hot.
How often have you heard this, it's like a broken record; "I want him to love me for me, I want him to love me for my inside." Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and lacks basic femininity? There are women out there who will blame men for being a "Shallow Hal" when in fact it's their own fault men don't notice or ask them out. Think about it, if you saw a house covered in vines with rats running around the front yard, I doubt you'd want to take a look inside. Even if that "inside" is the Taj Mahal, you have to look good inside and outside.
The problem(s):
- Many women and men try to date out of their league in looks, education, and life interests.
- Many women and men don't take the time to eat properly, dress well, or take care of their bodies, yet they still expect to get a stud or a studette.
- Many women make excuses and blame people — other than themselves — for their misfortune in love. Remember; whenever you point your finger, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. Cliche maybe, but true.
The solution:
- Stand in the mirror naked. Love your body type regardless of what type it is. Don't read women's magazines or let TV tell you what sexy is. Men love all types. We just don't love lazy and unhealthy. It's not more complicated than that.
- Take stock of "what you have to bring to the table". Are you well traveled? Do you have a ton of hobbies? Are you funny and fun to be with? Do you like music? How smart are you? What kind of shape are you in? Are you a sex machine? Go for someone that is equal or maybe one rung up in those categories.
- Be culpable and honest with yourself; we're all shallow to some degree or another. I've challenged the "love me for my inside" types by telling them I had a great guy for them. I explained that he weighed 350 pounds, didn't have all his teeth, and was balding. I also explained that he's loyal, cooks, loves sex, and adores women. To this match attempt I've received a steady breath of "no ways".
So in the end — ladies and gentlemen — we are all shallow; some of which is based in our proclivity towards following natural selection and part of which is rooted in stupidity or delusion. The news you can use is: In the beginning, we're all a bit shallow, but what keeps a relationship going is charisma, humor, and intelligence. [And a million other things, but I'll leave it at that!]
To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!
7trends
Vanessa Bruno
Lipsy
ummm... you're complaining cause the hot guys want the beautiful girls? why don't you go for a guy who's not "hot" then? you expect men to not be shallow.. but it's okay for you to be? i'm confused.
1ha, smurfle, i was totally gonna say the same thing.
the poster wants the "hot guy" and then goes on to complain that the hot guy is shallow, yet she's doing the same thing.
2let's call a spade a spade. looks matter. steve gave a pretty reasonable answer.
3I agree with Steve that you do need to keep yourself looking your best in order to spark the initial attraction. Men are indeed visual creatures; unfortunately this is something you can hardly change, men are wired that way (I do believe more so than women) but that doesn't mean they are going to completely ignore you if you are smarter, more charismatic etc. compared to one of those 'supermodels', especially if they are looking for a longer-term relationship. But you do need to look good to attract them initially. Other thing to keep in mind is that younger guys are often more immature, only caring about looks (although this will never completely diminish) and looking for flings rather than relationships (for flings and casual sex, looks are of course more important). So maybe you should go for a guy that is slightly older than you?
And the league thing is completely true. Amazing how both men and women are so unrealistic in these terms. I do agree that it's a combination of looks, education, background, personality and of course character/values that make up a 'league', but it's amazing how some people score low on ALL these things and still expect to score a 'catch' of a girl/guy.
4My first reaction was... why go for the "hot" guys? I don't know, I go for interesting and funny guys who are attractive but not necessarily model hot. I'm not as focused on looks (but it doesn't mean I'm not extremely attracted to the people I date) - you should try it yourself!
5Yeah, I really love the hypocrisy here.
6I agree that you have to stay within your league and you have to at least make an effort to look attractive to lure in an attractive man. Its def looks that attract people first and personality and all that good stuff that makes a solid relationship comes later. I can honestly say I have never dated a guy just for his personality. I'm not saying he has to be a model by any means, in fact I would rather him just be average but the physical attraction has to be there.
7I totally agree with Steve. I like hot guys too but that doesn't mean I'm going to go chase after them.
8the whole world is too superficial if you ask me
9We are all superficial and shallow to some extent. Learning to compromise looks for personality is what you need to do.
However, I think most people need to find people within their own level of attractiveness. I would never, ever in the right mind think I can date a super model. Yet, some men and women do go after the super model lookalikes.
Steve's advice is spot on.
10I also find it amusing that the OP is complaining about not landing hot guys because they're shallow, while wanting reassurance that she can get a hot guy.
11I agree with Steve. I think the way you take care of and present yourself is a direct reflection of how your you feel about and value yourself. In my opinion, confidence is once of the most attractive qualities anyone can possess ( confidence, not cockiness...lol). But like Steve said, while it may be looks that attract people to each other, it takes a whole lots more to keep a relationship happy, healthy and well functioning. It really is about the ENTIRE package
12I don't think you have to be conventionally beautiful to be considered 'hot'. One of my best friends is quite pretty but certainly no supermodel, and men fall all OVER themselves for her because she's confident and sexy!
Number one is being confident in yourself. As soon as you think you're not hot, or you're no supermodel, or you can't match up to those girls - you're basically saying you're not attractive. And if you FEEL unattractive, you won't be very attractive to others.
13'I agree that you have to stay within your league'
Who defines the 'leagues' ??
14Lol Jude I was thinking the same thing. I agree with Steve here. I find that as long as you take care of yourself, and are confident and just secure in who you are, beauty and hotness really has a large spectrum.
Looks do matter unfortunately but I don't think men are as critical of women as we are of ourseleves. Like most men I know wouldn't think you were fat because you can't loose the 8 lbs that you have been trying to loose for the past year. Or they don't think you are ugly because you have freckles in the summer or you have that wierd almost gone barley noticebale scar on your forhead from when you were 7 and was trying to beat some guy up (they'd probably find the story amusing). They probably don't think your tighs look like ham and are thundering...honestly we are way more critical and have a much narrower defintion of hot then men
15My boyfriend is ridiculously goodlooking, he is constantly getting eyed by ladies on the street, being flirted with by waitresses and even has women grabbing at him in the club.. while he's with me. I am pretty average. Nothing specifically spectacular about me but he is absolutely head over heels crazy about me. He and I have talked about this and he says "Yea, I could go back and date those tall scrawny blondes with the fake tan, tits and lips... but they arent a quarter as interesting as you are. Your personality is so stunning that when I see you standing in a room full of those chicks you are a million times more beautiful then any one of them." (awww feel free to throw up now.)
If these hot guys are just going after hot girls regardless of personality then why in the world would you even consider being with them? It sounds to me like the OP is quite young or at least going after young immature guys. Eventually these hot guys will clue in that if they want to settle down their main priority should be an exciting personality rather then just a stunning face. OP, wait it out, find some guys who have calmed down and realize the importance of a brain and then start going after the guys you consider hot. Never let anyone (including Steve here) tell you a guy is "out of your league"
16You guys, it is true that leagues are subjective to some extent, but I think what Steve means here is if the OP herself judges guys by the so-called 'shallow' league of pure physical looks and aims 'higher' according to those measures, then she should be willing to be judged according to the same scale herself.
17I agree with everyone stating she sounds hypocritical.But whats with the whole league thing? I think its really discouraging to tell someone that if the person they like is beautiful, educated, and wealthy is way out of there league.solely because they aren't as perfect. Maybe i'm just a romantic but I think love should exsist outside anyones definitions or rules.And lets not forget, everyone is a work in progress, instead of looking focusing on perfection or league, maybe men and women should look at an individuals potential.
18I think leagues exist only for the people that place themselves in leagues. If someone thinks that they're out of your league, then there's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise. If you think someone is out of your league, then you're simply never going to be with them because you won't allow yourself the chance.
I'm often considered one of those 'model' girls (depending on how much time I spent on my appearance that day) I have the body and all that. My husband is a smidge tubby and a little awkward looking. I get people asking me "why are you with HIM?" all the time. It's because I love him, and his personality sparkles as gloriously as his eyes.
If you're looking to get with someone just because they're hot, when you don't consider yourself to be as hot as they are, you're doomed to fail. If you do manage to find a hot person that doesn't care about looks as much as you do, you probably won't be with them for long, because they'll realize that you want to be with them because they look good. That's just silly.
I obviously can't deny that most relationships get started because people find one another attractive, but there are certainly cases where people get to know each other and find themselves interested. There's certainly nothing wrong with wanted to get with hot guys, but if that's ALL you're worried about, then you should start worrying about your own appearance, just like Steve said, so you can find a hot guy that's just as shallow as you are.
19Sorry but I guess I'm more accepting that I'm as shallow as most of the world:) But what I find incredible is that so many believe you have to sacrifice intelligence and personality for beauty. When I met my boyfriend, I looked at him and thought he was one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen. And he's a genius:) There are plenty of gorgeous doctors and lawyers and business capitalists that are extremely good-looking, just as there are plenty that fall short. It's just genes and how the dna was matched up!
I completely agree with the idea of leagues to some extent though. Yes, blah blah people should look within and not just judge, but we are a world of instant gratification and I'm sorry, but no matter how great a person's personality is, if they aren't wonderful to look at, I'm not going to give them the chance. It may be vain but we need to be with someone we do feel an attraction to. And I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. Now if you are dumping someone you're with for the next hot thing that comes along, then your shallowness has taken a wrongful turn, or if you are only seeking out the beautiful ones at the sake of every other quality then it is certainly another story. But just to say that we shouldn't be too consumed with looks and see other's as "potentials?" Life's too short, we want what makes us happy...so if that comes in the way of gorgeous packages with all the other goodies wrapped up too, then so be it.
AND if you are close to your partner in the way of range of looks, then you are far less likely to be jealous or self conscious if they get hit on or are around a group of other "beautiful people" because you fall into that same category. It's when you are out of your league dating that the problems will fall greatly...whether it be he/she is smarter, more outgoing, more athletic, more attractive, more wealthy. There is always something that will cause controversy so finding someone that is close to you in these various ways makes the possibility for resentment and competition less likely.
20yeah, smurfle got it right, right away. this lady is being a hypocrite. and LOL at Steve's answer lolololol I hope I'm not the house with rats lol but inside.... I'm the taj mahal haha
21Agreed, Frustrated Faith's question was phrased in a way that made her seem hypocritical and easily dismissed, but I think that it does have some validity when slightly rephrased:
Have you ever noticed that it's more common to see a hot girl with an average (if not below-average) guy than the other way around? I know I see this all the time--girls with pretty faces and gym-toned bodies, coupled with guys who are neither equally blessed with pleasing features nor even with the willpower to keep that beer gut under control... And it's not necessarily because the girls have ulterior motives (you know, I ain't sayin' they be gold diggers...). I think that girls are more likely to see through an ordinary appearance and to -grow- to like a guy for his personality than the other way around. I feel like if a guy doesn't feel attracted to you the first time he sees you, he never will be, no matter how much he gets to know and love your personality, whereas I know my friends and I have definitely found guys to suddenly seem more attractive just based on how much we like their characters...
Of course, I'm limiting myself to just analyzing hetero relationships here. Does anyone from the bi/gay scene have anything to say about these stereotypes?
22fatsoleus ~ I completely agree with your comment; for guys, it's more initial attraction than anything else, girls are more forgiving if the initial impression was just 'okay'.
23looks matter... we are visual beings so get over it... Look matter in attraction. But I think personality and the way one carries themselves makes a huge difference. Get some confidence and then see if you can get some more attractive people.
24hot guys don't have to be impressive anywhere but to the eye, so why would you whine about persueing them and not getting enough attention?
25Okay, this whole "you're shallow" crap is just all bullsh*t. Seriously you don't expect me to believe you end up with someone you don't find attractive. You're really going to want to marry and and kiss and have sex with someone you think is ugly? What exactly do you think is hot and not? People think Angelina Jolie or Eva Mendes is hot, but I really don't think they're all that, I don't find Jolie attractive at all, and I've seen way better than Mendes. I find everyday chicks better looking than her. So just cut the bullsh*t. "Hot" is a relative term maybe a majority of people will think some guy's hot, like say that guy that plays Edward Cullen in the twilight movie...but frankly, I don't see what's so special, the kid looks like he needs some serious sleep, and I'm sure there's some chicks that don't find him attractive at all. So to say someone only likes someone who's hot and then call them shallow for it is stupid. What I find hot you might not, vise versa. Guys want chicks that are attractive to them, and chicks want guys that are attractive to them, that doesn't make anyone shallow. Personality isn't the entire package, physical attractiveness is very much important. Sorry, but just cuz I like someone's personality, doesn't mean I think they're good looking enough for me to even want to park my car in their driveway. Really, be fair to yourself, if you're not attracted in the slightest to the person you're with, you're not being fair to yourself OR that person. End of story.
26Hot guys are just as bad as hot girls. Hot girls are just the way he put it, shallow, superficial and can often be idiots (this ones mines). Have you ever thought about the strain it could be dating a super hot guy? You will be fighting off women left and right. He may be an arrogant a**hole or just might be an idiot too!
Try a makeover or maybe go over the list of qualities you have of the super hot guy you've always wanted and make sure you have put down, considerate, loving and caring. Sometime hot men lack those qualities...
27bottom line Looks matter. get off your butt, do those eyebrows buy some spanx, do whatever it is because I bet he doing the same kinda things to make himself look better.
it's like a book. We look at the cover first right? lol
28Steve makes some very good points. Many people often adhere to a double standard when it comes to being shallow.
29Hahaha, smurfle has a point.
30It drives me crazy when women say "men are shallow" but these same women will not look twice at a guy who's less than 6 feet tall(and spare me the "it's because I'm a tall woman " excuse). We've got just as many superficial "quirks" as men but men are more upfront about it. Women should be upfront too. That said, I don't mind short guys....as long as they're not fat. Lol!
31Without substance you have nothing. Looks can only take you so far.
32I just don't get it...ugly dudes and average guys have just as much chance of being assholes, idiots, shallow, and without "substasnce" as much as any incredibly handsome man. So why are we so hung up on the idea that looks only take you so far, or that you should look deeper than looks? You have to do to that with everyone and I think that looks have little to do with it. Looks will only help a jerk-off guy do a bit better for a time, but he'll be dumped just the same as any joe-schmo.
33"It seems like the hot men I'm attracted to are only attracted to beautiful women"
there is an incredible amount irony in the way that is worded.
34The whole hot to hot thing is lame. So if I end up with some chick that I think is so freakin superhot, but she's the most horrid looking chick on the planet, does that make me unhot? You know, since hot guys are only attracted to hot chick. I've seen some super good looking people with some trashy looking mates. It's what THAT person sees in the other. Frankly, it says something to think that way, "ugh, hot guys, ugh only want hot chicks, doesn't want me" sounds like you don't think you're hot? I look in the mirror and I see a f*ckin hot sexy ass guy. And well, I look at my gf and I see a hot sexy ass chick. So we're to super hot people together. I'm sure not EVERYONE thinks we're both hot. I'm not in GQ and she's not in MAXIM? It's all relative. Unless we're heading to the Fat vs thing, tall vs short, blonde verses brunette, short hair verses long hair, bad teeth vs good teeth, long nose vs short nose. I think there needs to be clarificaiton on what exactly is "HOT". And btw, I've meet some chicks that are hot, but I'd like to throw them in some freakin bud cuz they're so damn dull or irritating. I like chicks cuz I can click with them, and if I find them attractive to then I'll date them or w/e, my definition of attractiveness is both personality and physicality. Like someone said...hotness will only get you so far...there's some dumbass hot people out there. It ain't everything. Confidence in yourself is.
35*meant to say I wanted to throw some "hot" chicks in some mud...that's what they're scared of right? or is it blood on their coats? ...ink all over their handbags? I dunno, lol.
36I'm with Berlin and smurfle.
37great answer!
38Maybe I am still such a teenager at heart, but I love the feeling of meeting someone, being physically attracted to him, and then trying to find out what lies beneath.
For me, it is important that there is attraction...otherwise they are just friends, and honestly, that will not cut it for me. I am not saying that love cannot grow, but I think with most people who become lovers after friendship, if it works out it is because they had an underlying attraction to begin with as well as the friendship.
If I find out the guy is a tool underneath that attractive exterior, I am gone, but I need to have that intial attraction to make me WANT to find out.
Attraction is what brings you, substance is what makes you stay.
39^ Well said on that last line.
40Fairly good advice and I agree for the most part.
Buuut...am I the only one who took serious offense to: "Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and LACKS BASIC FEMININITY?"
Ummm, maybe I should get your definition of "basic femininity" Steve...and I probably should...but who exactly gets to decide what basic femininity is anyway?!? That just sounded way to much like I need to be a housewife and wear pink all the time and scream when I see a bug... 8-/
41I like hot, intelligent, and cultured guys. I have a girlfriend who is rather unattractive and unkempt, and she complains about the same stuff all the time. I sometimes wish I could just tell it to her face that looks matter. Other qualities matter as much as looks, but looks DO matter.
42Muirnea I know what you mean. At some points it almost sounded like "well you must be a pig so clean up lady". But I should hope not.
Sigh I like to think we can all fall in love without adhering to these unwritten rules and hierarchies.. but I guess it can't be helped sometimes. I used to be in that shallow category. Then I realized "f*ck it, these guys are not only hot but they know it, and they're assholes." Not always true but it was 80% of the time for me. And conversely I wasn't about to get taken advantage of for being a bit pretty.
It wasn't until after I let go of that initial standard of "hot" that I was able to attract the cute AND agreeable guys I could actually sit and have a chat with.
And I fortieth(?) the irony.
43damn this generation. hahaahah.
44Generally, people are attracted to others that are the same level of attractiveness as themselves. (For example, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are evenly matched). Yes, I think 'hot' men can be very superficial regarding their partners looks sometimes. So what is it that attracts you to men? Is it based solely on their looks? If so, you can't really blame them for being the same way you are. But generally, I think that most people are attracted to confidence. If you are comfortable in your own skin, don't seem self consciousness or desperate, and are well groomed, a good flirt, and have a nice sense of humor, men will be attracted to you. (BTW, why would you really want a 'hot' guy if he is so superficial anyway???). There are many attractive men out there that many not necessarily be considered 'hot' by all women. I think the most important thing is cofidence in your self and your looks. If you have that, people will be attracted to you.
45well, i'm 19, 5 feet and 2 inches in height and weighs around 150 pounds but it doesn't mean that i lack "basic femininity". o.O i still believe though that looks DO really matter (somehow) but i also believe that someday, i might find someone who will accept me for who i am. i eat the right kind of food and lead a healthy lifestyle but as what my pediatrician says, i got this body type from my clan..so i basically have to limit myself from overindulging and whatnot. and yes, it does pressure me to look like those models in TV or magazines but at the end of the day, i'm honestly happy on how i look. i guess i'm surrounded by friends who support me all the way while at the same time, are frank with me (like how they remind me to resist sweet stuff haha).
46and honestly? i'm not really into "hot" men.. when i hear "hot", those model, Beckham-lookie types come to mind. it just isn't my cup of tea. i'd love to get attached to a geek (not the all-out nerd though who's too obsessed with computers & stuff..see? i'm superficial too haha:p) and not-so-attractive. OR..someday, maybe a dashing prince will take a look at me..who knows?
while i agree with steve...i think a lot has to do with attitude. whether you're beautiful, normal, big or little..its how you present yourself. its also about having confindence in yourself and being comfortable with who you are. i've seen the most beautiful men with some homely looking girls...but those girls have carried themselves with confidence, they have a wonderful outlook on life and are a blast to be around. same thing with beautiful women and men.
47I'm happily surprised and optimistically startled that so many of you are HONEST! Is this what happens after the lies and shadows spawned from Political correctness have gone too far? Are we on the road to salvation? Will we finally call "it" for what "it" is?
I hope so.
The take home news:
1. Culpable
2. SExy goes way further than classic good looks
3. Most people could look better if they tried a little harder
4. Spread the word about living with the truth.
5. Feel free to walk into any company that got "bail out" money and take something...you paid for it with tax dollars. it's yours.
***BASIC femininity AS DEFINED BY ME:
1. only speaks when spoken too...ha ha ha I'M KIDDING...JUST MAKING SURE YOU'RE ALL AWAKE.
2. Nice hair cut, longer is preferable as most women can't get away with a Kd Lang cut
3. good posture
4. shaves her legs and vagina on occasion
5. doesn't scream "Go Sox" with a beer in one hand and a cig in the other while driving down the street in a jeep.
6. knows how to dress to show off her assets in a sexy but not sleazy way.
7. Knows how to walk, not march ~ of the penguins...LOL
xo
48s
I have to say, as usual, I have to agree with Steve. And it IS refreshing to see the amount of honesty being displayed regarding this topic! But as for the take home news, I agree with all but #5. Well, I do and I don't. My lady is a rabid baseball fan (and beer connoisseur), so I would only substitute the "Go Sox!" for "Go Yankees!"
49its strange to read all of these peoples responses/comments... I generally fall for tall "burly" men with beards... thats not usually considered "hot". i love bigger men, i hate muscles with a passion, and i can't stand stick thin men. SO yes, that would make me superficial, but as they say, everyone has their own version of 'whats hot'. So really, the original poster may think, that all the hot guys are the sterotypical nerds: glasses, pocket protector, etc.. and maybe shes mad cuz they all fall for women of the same 'look'.
I dont know, im rambling. either way, i don't really like this post at all. The 'hot' guy (whom i find to be slimy and dirty car sales man-esq) always has horrible responses that make me glad i'm not dating a guy like him. All the questions are generally horribly shallow and superficial as well... but, its entertaining to read.
50Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.