A little background info: I'm in my thirties and single - the majority of my friends are married and having or planning to have children. There is a difference in lifestyles but in most cases we have been able to keep in touch, care about each others lives and share our point of views on different things.
About a year ago, someone I considered a close friend wrote me this strange email - it was almost a copy and pasted email that she had written to someone else and just put my name at the header. The basic gist of the email was how her life was great and she was lucky because her and everyone close to her were going through the same life (ie marriage, kids) and probably I felt a little defensive but the impression I got from that email was that I was not part of the circle and I was not anyone that could be close to her because I'm not going through the same thing. I am over-simpiflying a bit but that is the gist of how I took it. Admittedly, I did take it a bit defensively and I wrote her back saying that I too was happy for her and that she was lucky to be able to surround herself with people who can relate to what she is going through. However, I wrote that I am happy that I have friends from both realms (married and single) and am glad to see both sides of it. Come to think of it, my response was quite cheeky - and I can understand now how it may have come off a little hostile. I realize how I reacted as at that moment but believed that our friendship was strong enough to discuss through these misconceptions ... well, I was wrong.
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Since then, I've tried to send emails here and there - but she has completely stopped contact with me. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a block on any emails coming from me, she lives overseas so it's not so easy to call her or try and meet up with her.
I believe my response to her and her obviously not seeing me as a friend who can relate to her, is probably why she has decided to cut me off as a friend. At the same time, I was a little thrown off by her and a little hurt as well. Ultimately, I think I'm disappointed that we were unable to discuss this out. We do know some mutual people so I may run into her one day - and I hope that when we do, it will be with respect and no animosity, as I do not feel that towards her - if anything I miss her friendship but respect that she has made it clear, she is not interested in having any contact with me.
If something like this causes a rift and someone to cut off a friendship - is it worth trying to rebuild that friendship? I would like to try and reach out more than I have but being met with a wall is difficult and I'm not sure if it's worth it ... but really, is this what is going to happen the more my friends get married? will I, as a single person be always an outsider who does not understand and cannot relate?
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Temperley London
Marc O'Polo
GHD
I wouldn't worry about trying to rekindle the relationship. She doesn't sound like much of a friend!
It can be hard to maintain friendships with people who have totally different lifestyles, but with certain friends, it's worth the effort! It just means that the people with children need to try to get out with their single friends now and then and the non-kiddo types need to try to get in on some family friendly action every once in a while.
1I am 30, single and do not want to children. If I am not getting lectured by my friends, I am getting pitied or patronized.
2A lot of them claim I do not want children as some form of defense mechanism. That is insulting.
I think, unfortunately, you have to let her go and focus your energy on your REAL friends.
You have tried to reach out and she has not responded. That is all that is required. It doesn't sound like a big old fight or anything; I'm sure if you saw each other down the road it wouldn't be a big issue.
I think certain friendships are bound to grow apart over time but your real friends will stick around no matter what.
3It hurts to lose a friendship and I'm sure you miss her, however she was hurtful to you and she is obviously okay with that. Is that the kind of friend you want? Perhaps somewhere down the road she will realize her mistake and make amends.
4I totally agree with Jennifer76. I'm married, and we do not have children so, we do it exactly how Jen76 said...spend time doing stuff with the couples with their children, and spend time with just the couple for the occasional evening out with us. Obviously, our single friends are no problem for us. I personally feel like your friend is being way too sensitive. You have tried..I think I might let this one go. Or, maybe you could speak to a mutual friend of hers and yours, and find out if, she is just hurt and an apology will patch things up. The best of luck.
5I'm sorry, that sounds horrible. But realize it is not your fault. Her email, whether she meant to be rude or not, was not something a true friend knowing you well would have written.
6People grow apart, some grow up to be stronger, more open people and others do not grow at all. It sounds like she is the latter kind.
In a word, no, it's not worth it to build back the friendship.
I went thru a similar issue with a friend. In short, she wronged me, I told her so and she got defensive. We (and our mutual friends) didn't speak for a year. We made up but I can tell you, things are not the same at all. When we are all together, I feel like I don't even know them anymore. I don't know if I've changed or they've changed, things are just different because we spent so much time apart, we grew apart. And I'm OK with that. And you have to be OK with growing apart from your friends too.
Smug marrieds will always (unwittingly or purposefully) try to make singletons feel less than they. Give her a few years. Most of the women I know who have been married for 7+ years, who were once so patronizing and questioned my contentment with a life without husband or kids when they were newlyweds, are now very envious of my single, childless, carefree life.
7I am not married but I have a boyfriend, and i have experienced something like this, but the other way around. I have a friend that turns 30 this year, while I am 5 years younger. She lives, breathes and dreams of a relationship with "The One" every single day, so when she heard i got a boyfriend who from the look of things looks like my "The One", we gradually lost all contact. Her choice, not mine.
I try to look at her point of view and let her come around by herself, but I'm also prepared that she might not come around at all. And that's fine. Who needs friends that so easily let trivial stuff come in the way of a friendship.
I suggest sending her one final email/attempt. Mention that you did not like the email she sent you all that while ago, and the reply you sent her way was you standing up for yourself. Tell her she hurt you with it, and you now understand that you did the same. Suggest a truce, and if she doesn't get off her high horse and does her best to patch things up, leave the b*tch alone.
What i know for sure is that what goes around comes around. The people you leave at the bottom of the ladder while you climb upwards might be the same people you'll meet in the middle of it; only this time they'll be on their way up while you're on your way done. Keep this in mind and wish her all the best in all her endeavours if she decides to stick with her decision.
8This is why I do not carry out personal business over email or IM. People do not know how to read this kind of stuff without taking some kind of offense
I wouldn't worry about it. It seems she was just looking for an easy out. Believe me you do not need people like her in your life
9I wouldn't worry about this happening more as your friends get married. I've long been the single one amongst all the couples, and this issue never comes up. It is hard to keep in touch and get together, so we all make a huge effort to email often and make plans for things so that we have that time to see each other. We do have a bit of the opposite problem though, with one single friend always commenting on how it's okay for the married friends to have settle down and started families, but not her. It comes across as an putdown on their lives.
10If you really want to try and mend things with your friend though, I say send her one last email, carefully explaining how you felt and apologizing for any negativity, and let her know that the ball is in her court now. If she doesn't respond, let it go. You can only fight so much for a friendship to survive, sometimes they just end badly.
I think anyone in their 30's has experienced this in their life. I do not think she is a friend worth keeping in your life just because you may run into her because you have mutual friends doesn't mean you need to keep trying you tried and nothing from her. I know it is hard. I am super single and I am not having children. A lot of my married with children friends have drifted out of my life not because I haven't kept in touch it is because they haven't. This past weekend is the perfect example my good friend was up to visit with her 16 month old from Denver and staying at her parents house at the beach I drove an hour and a half each way to spend some time with her. I was under the impression that her mom was going to watch the baby while we went and had lunch/shopped. I was never so wrong. We spent the entire day with her son while I guess he is cute that is not how I wanted to spend my day. Very disappointed!
11I think it's really bizarre that your friend sent you that e-mail in the first place. What kind of response was she expecting? I am married and I would never send an e-mail like that to a single friend. Maybe she felt you two were growing apart and she used that e-mail as an excuse to pick a fight and end the friendship. You sound like you have plenty of other friends, I think you should just let it go - be cordial to her if you do see or hear from her, but that's it.
12She lives oversea. NO it's not worth worrying about. It may sound harsh but hey it's not like you are her best friend or her neighbour. I have no idea what you wrote to her, only you know if you were extremly rude or you were just voicing your opinion. Either way the damage is done and she isn't gone. I would say get over it. If you do run into her friends, it wouldn't hurt to say you didn't mean to offend her. Good luck with that
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