I have a history of picking the wrong men, but two months ago, I met this amazing guy. He is kind, sensitive, attentive, and the most incredible lover I have ever met. One evening, cuddled up in bed, he told me that he is bisexual. He said it's mostly the fantasy that arouses him, and that he's only had a few experiences in the past. Initially I had no problems with this. I have many friends with different sexual orientations, and have had a couple of same sex trysts in the past myself. I know this man adores me, and I know he's faithful to me, however the more I think about it, the more I fear that he's just holding on to me until he finds an appropriate same sex partner. He has been married in the past and has had other long term girlfriends. His same sex trysts were not emotionally driven according to him, more like sex for the sake of sex. He has never lied to me and we openly communicate about everything. I really want to see where this relationship goes, but is that a huge risk?
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L.a.p.a.
Alberta Ferretti
Erickson Beamon
Um, since he's faithful, and you guys seem to adore each other and so on. It doesn't sound like anything is wrong with the relationship (except that you're getting insecure thoughts, but that's NOT the relationship problems, it's your problem), then again, 2 months = honeymoon phase, so enjoy it, I guess
My only suggestion is to get yourself checked up (to see if you both are clear of STI), by your perspective docs. Other than that, just see where it goes. Just treat this as your any other relationship, if it works, then go on with it, if it doesn't, break up with the guy.
1Keep in mind that as long as you're with him, you'll wonder where his next bisexual experience will come from. Even if he proclaims love, proposes marriage and has kids with you, he'll still want to have sex with men sometimes. Either you have to be okay with this and have an open relationship (even an open marriage later) or it won't work out long-term.
2I think you should just see where things go...I don't think it is really all that uncommon for a lot of straight men to be turned on sexually by other men. Unless he tells you you aren't enough for him and he needs a man, I don't think you have a problem. It's not really different at all than being insecure about any relationship, because you could be sitting there thinking he might end up leaving you for another woman. If it's really just a turn on for him, and not a lifestyle, I think you're fine...
3Trust is key, frankly, the fact that he's bisexual really doesn't change much. It just seems like the same thing all over, are you worried that he's going to go after some guy? Because if he wasn't bisexual then you would be worried if he would go after some woman. His past sexual experiences were just for sex, well, as long as your sex life and emotional life is balanced and healthy, and you both have a good level of trust and honest, I don't see why there should be any worry. At least he told you and didn't hide it right?
4Bisexuality doesn't mean promiscuity.
I'm openly bisexual and I'm not chasing girls behind my boyfriends back.
As long as your boyfriend is faithful and loves you he won't be running off for a bit of dick now and again. If he wants an open relationship down the line it doesn't mean he finds you less attractive he just wants to experiment a little. But rest assured, if he's as awesome as you say he wont do anything with anyone without talking to you and getting your consent.
5I'm not one to judge but you should definitely consider the possibility of whether or not he wants to continuously date the same sex. You should keep your communication open because when you're not sure about something you usually think the worst. Get yourself a check-up and continue to practice safe sex.
6I agree that 2 months into a relationship is still the honeymoon stage so as time progresses you may decide to end the relationship unless your mate assures you that he will be faithful. No relationship is perfect but you have to be happy with yourself to make someone else happy.
It's only been 2 months, so take a chill pill and just see where it goes.
7I once met a great guy who confessed being bisexual to me RIGHT AFTER we'd just had sex for the first time. Like, we had just lain our heads back on the pillow. And he went "oh but don't worry, I never did anal, it was only a few blowjobs".
I have never jumped out of a bed faster in my whole entire life. He can do whatever he wants with his mouth, but please don't use it to kiss me after it's been around some other guy's dick. Eeeeeeeeeew.
8So you think he's just dating you until he finds a gay or bisexual man to date instead? Oh, PLEASE. As a bisexual woman, this is bullocks. True, he may have his gender preferences (which you didn't state in the question, so I don't get why you'd think he'd be after a man while he's dating you), but bisexuals are just like straights and gays -- if we are faithful, loyal people, we're not going to cheat on you or run out on you as soon as we meet someone else. On the other hand, if we're just players looking for a good time, it'll be "wham, bam, thank you ma'am," and we're out the door. How about instead of focusing on his sexuality, you focus on what kind of person he is in a relationship?
9wow...sounds like you're thinking long term already. let it go, have fun and see where it leads you. if it works out great....if it doesn't...
10I may be a bit more cynical, but the guy has been married before and has had multiple other relationships with women that didn't work out. Some inner red flag in you has waved, or else you wouldn't be writing. Two months is a short amount of time, so it is too early to judge someone's fidelity, in my opinion.
I think you have to ask yourself what is going to bother you more...his likely future infidelity or his bisexuality. Whether or not he is going to be more likely to sleep with other people BECAUSE he is bisexual, I don't know. Personally, I wouldn't want my guy sleeping with anyone else, even if it is just to fulfill some need I can't provide. You need to be honest with yourself about your concerns before you get any more emotionally invested.
11LoL, @ karlotta...so what bout him going down on other chicks? All that's been on his mouth and he's kissing you with it too. -_^ (lol, I shouldn't laugh...sadly if you don't mind that may make you bi too!...just messin with you, I'm sure a good 5 minutes of brushing your teeth helped ^_~). The past is the past...as long as there's no STDs flying around...it's fine (*sigh*...but then there's that good old HPV)
12God, I wish my boyfriend was bi sometimes.
That'd be hot.
Anyway, what is this common misconception that bi = EASY? That is not the case. Geez.
13Because if things don't measure up to our standards, then it's somehow bad. Like bi or gay = promiscuous, or overweight = lack of self control, or old = senile, or young = unwise. Stuff like that. Just have to ignore the stereotypes and prove them wrong.
14Sexuality is all a spectrum... no one is 100% gay or 100% straight... so I say embrace his honesty and grab a strap on and make his fantasies come true. This is a great opportunity to trust him with your wild fantasies or fetishes. If the guy truely likes you then there should be no fear of anything because he will be faithful to you and only you.
15honestly all that matters is how you feel about it. if youre constantly going to be insecure that he will leave you or have an affair down the road with another man, then i would say it's not worth it. for me, its not something i would ever be able to deal with.
i pretty much agree with jazzytummy... the fact that he's had multiple relationships and a marriage that failed with women and pretty much just one night stands with men mean there is a deeper issue there.being bisexual is not necessarily the problem but his track record with not knowing what he wants, and also having had a lot of partners. i would say it would be a red flag even if it was just the many failed relationships with women, but in this case its a lot of instability with men and women.
i believe people can change when they find the right person but since we don't know him its really hard to give advice. if there is anything about this relationship that seems off or uncomfortable to you then i would think long and hard and make the decision that is right for you. if you are constantly going to be wondering what he's thinking or if he wants another woman or man then i would say put an end to this before it goes any further. if you can deal with it, and you are happy with this man then give him a chance and see where it goes.
16I'm with omilawd - I'm bisexual and in a committed relationship. You could say the same things about straight or bisexual partners - eventually they may want to have sex with someone else, but it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. If you're in love with someone and want to be with them you'll be faithful no matter what their gender.
17You need to edcuate yourself a bit on bi-sexuality...
"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?" Ghandi
18I have got to be honest with you here. I have known quite a few men who claimed they were bisexual, but ALL ended up being gay and just unable to come out of the closet at the time when they said they were bi. So I am inclined to believe that men are not usually bi, they are usually gay or straight. I have never met a 'truly' bisexual guy before. On the other hand, I have met several women that were actually bisexual.
19I would be very wary if I were you. And ALWAYS use condoms, because anal sex is considered a high risk sexual activity. The anus gets little tears because it is not really designed to be penetrated ( in the same way that a vagina is), allowing for HIV and hepatitis to get into the bloodstream more easily.
The way that you describe this man makes me think that he has relationships with women to fufill his emotional needs, and sex with men to fufill his sexual needs. Of course, I could be wrong but if so why did none of his other relationships with women work out if he is such a great, sensitive guy???
Men that are really into women and really sexually aroused by women do not usually have sexual fantasies about other men. Just my opinion on this subject!
The fact that his "same sex tryst" have aren't emotionally driven is the biggest area of concern. If he is being fueled by what he thinks is a fetish/fantasy type deal I'm thinking he's more likely to act on it impulsivly that if he had had long term relationships with other men.
And LOL @ all the "get yourself checked out for STI's" comments how offensive, homophobic, and sexist this is implying that men who have sex with both men are somehow carriers of diease. First off I don't think people would be saying that if it was a bisexual women so sad!
The fact is hetro couples are spreading the HIV at an alarming rate not Gay men.
20In response to the last poster: I wasn't trying to say that you can't get HIV from BOTH vaginal and anal sex. If you ask any sexual health educater, doctor, nurse etc.. they will tell you that anal sex is a high risk activity. The condom is more likely to break because there is more friction and less lubrication. One of the ways that HIV is spreading at such an alarming rate and so many more women are contracting it is due to men who are in 'monogamous' relationships with women but having unprotected homosexual sex on the side and bringing the disease home to their gf's and wives without the women knowning. This was my concern with this poster.
Straight women and homosexual/bisexual men are more at risk for contracting HIV because of the nature of the acts (over straight men). (BTW, this is the same as with other STI's like herpes, straight women and gay men are more likely to contract it then straight men).
21My best friend works in an STD clinic in Vancouver and the only people who have tested positive for HIV were gay men. This is because anal sex is high risk and they are more likely to have more partners and less likely to use condoms every time. It is much less likely for a woman who is having sex with another woman to get HIV from her, though I'm sure it happens.
NOT a huge risk. Bisexuality is really misunderstood. Give him the same chance you'd give to anyone else. You can't distrust him until he proves he's untrustworthy.
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