Dear Sugar--
For almost a year now I have been involved with a man, and it was great for a while, I still feel there is a lot of chemistry between us inside and outside the bedroom, the thing is I never have orgasms when we have sex, I don't know why, maybe it's the fact that he's married and I feel like crap for being in a relationship of this nature but truth be told...I've never had an orgasm during sex, I'm 29 years old and I'm scared something is wrong with me, I need some advice.
--Unsatisfied Samantha
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Dear Unsatisfied Samantha--
I really doubt that something is wrong with you - many women don't have orgasms during sex, or ever at all, which is a sad truth. It may be a good idea to spend some time alone with yourself to figure out what you like and what gets you excited. Then when you're with a guy, you can tell him (or show him) how to push your buttons. While you're at it, you can also tell him to slow down - it's like a 50-meter dash with some guys - they make it to the finish line before you've even laced up your sneakers.
Another thing - foreplay is HUGE. And I'm not talking about 10 minutes of kissing your neck. I'm talking about ALL DAY foreplay. It starts in the morning, when he wakes up, rolls over to give you a 5-minute hug, and then makes you breakfast. Then later on in the day he calls you and tells you he misses you, and asks you to go to dinner. Maybe you find a sweet note he left in your car, and later before dinner, he tells you how soft your hair is, or how cute you look in your new jeans. Then after dinner he says, "Maybe we should plan a weekend away, just the two of us."
That's right - when it comes to being sexually aroused, we need to be warmed up emotionally too. Women are all about their feelings, so when we feel loved, wanted, desired, and appreciated, sex is bound to be amazing.
Also, an orgasm's not going to be happening if you have your mind on something, or the orgasm itself, which brings up the fact that you're sleeping with a married man. I know you don't need me to tell you to stop seeing him, but since you seem to know it's wrong, that could be your major buzz kill right there. Find yourself a single guy, so he can give you all his love and attention. You shouldn't be sharing your man with anyone else. Good luck!
Coggles.com
D&G
Minority
Sometimes it's just the guy. I had a great relationship with a guy who couldn't make me climax. He just wasn't meeting what I needed to get to that point. All the passion and emotion was there. Figure out what you need and then give him a helping hand getting you to that point.
1I definitely agree with the foreplay idea all day too. It's the little things that really give you that connection and amp up the excitement - like holding hands, little kisses, cuddling, and then working your way up to the actual act of sex.
Certain positions during sex are more likely to help as well.
2Is it bad that I think it's hilarious that you just throw in "oh btw, he's married!" I just find that really funny.
Okay, now seriously, some time alone would be a good thing for both of you I think. You can figure out what makes you tick and he can figure out why he is cheating on his wife. He should be with her and only her or leave her, not stay with her and cheat on her. And if he's willing to stay with her AND be with someone else, I don't think you want to be that someone else. Have some respect for yourself.
If he does leave her, I'm not sure that the answer is that it's okay for you guys to be together, either. Do you really want to be with someone who will cheat on his wife? How could you ever trust him? You can't. You can talk yourself into thinking that you could trust him but the truth is, you can't.
Now, the big O issue. jhuck has an interesting point of view, perhaps you should try another guy, preferably not married. Or, take Dear's advise and spend some quality alone time with yourself. And if none of it works, then just enjoy sex for the closeness it brings you to another (unmarried) person.
3I agree with rubialala that the fact that this guy is married could be a factor in this equation. I know you say you've never experienced an orgasm ever, but that can't be helping your emotional state, and as Dear said, we girls need to be warmed up both physically and emotionally.
It often takes women a long time to relax enough on all levels to have an orgasm. If you know what you like and what works for you from masturbating, then you can use that knowledge to help guide your partner. Just guide him or tell him - but it'll happen if you work together.
4HE IS MARRIED. MARRIED. You should feel like crap for being in a relationship with someone who is not fully available to you...and the fact that he is MARRIED.
Break up with cheater married guy--STAY AWAY FROM ANY MARRIED MEN IN THE FUTURE. That is step one.
Next, you need time to yourself to explore your own body. Not every woman has an orgasm during intercourse. Its normal if you don't, but your should know your internal "buttons". For most women, orgasm during itercourse is all about POSITION. Get to know your G-spot. Find it. Play with it on your own to know how you like to be touched there. Then once you are familiar with your zone and with a nice man dating ONLY YOU, find positions with him that stimulate that g-spot. (can also depend on his size, gerth etc as to what positions may work) and don't forget clitoral stimulation during intercourse as well.
Never be afraid to tell your lover what you want in bed. Give instructions if you have to. Remember, you have to communicate to have great sex. No one is a mind reader.
5I am sure a large part of this comes from the guilt in the back of your mind. I can't imagine being able to relax enough to "hit the big O" while thinking about that.
6Dears right, find a single man.
I think it's karma.
7you're sexually involved with someone who isn't available because they are married and you're worried about orgasms? i have to wonder why you mentioned that piece of information.
as the years go by, 5, 10, whatever, being second choice will probably come more naturally for you. it's been a year and a half now, so just sit back and see what happens. taking leftovers seems to be your thing, after awhile maybe you won't be anymore bothered by your lack of orgasms than you are by the fact that your partner has a wife. see what you have to look forward to?
8if ur thinkin bout other things while having sex then NO WAY will u get an orgasm.. u need to relax & jus enjoy it.. also foreplay helps a lot too.. & maybe u havent found that certain sex position.. usually grls get orgasm when on top.. but i dont even think u shud have an affair wit a married man.. its wrong & u have no idea on how many ppl u're hurtin `=T
9You SHOULD feel like crap. The guy's married! I don't want to be hurtful and all but the guy is married and you're sleeping with him?
10Do you think you might like girls? Is it possible that you get turn on by watching lovely women naked? If it is, be honest with yourself and explore it. Don't cheat, tell him and ask yourself. Best of luck darling.
11He is married? I didn't see that bit. Oh honey, what's up with you? You can't post a question and not expect other people to have a go. GET OUT. Why are you with this guy? What about his wife? He made a commitment to her, he should be man enough to be honest. You are so wrong for having sex with him. Raise your moral standard please. Have a little respect for other people please even if you don't know them (meaning his wife).
12If you really felt like crap, you wouldn't still be sleeping with him. Face it, you're always going to be the "other woman," "home-wrecker" or "sloppy seconds." I'm sorry, but it just makes me SO mad that you are concerned about sex, rather than feeling guilty that you are involved with a married man. I hope he doesn't have kids, you both should be ashamed...
13OMG
14I can't believe you've never had an orgasm!
I also agree with DearSugar... Try to play by yourself with some toys that you might find attractive to you. Have lots of foreplay.
Once you know you your body and your private parts then you can tell him how and what to do... Girl once you get there you'll never want him to stop.
P.S. DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT PLAYING WITH YOURSELF. IT'S NORMAL!
Are you kidding?You are interfering in someone else's marriage and all you can be concerned about is not having an orgasm. Why don't you try respecting the fact that he is already in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!!!!I only hope that there are no children involved.You know the old saying "what goes around comes around".Hopefully some day when you get married your husband doesn't do the same thing to you. I'm a married woman and i've just got to say that if it were me you would be scraping your a$$ off the sidewalk.......
15LOL I agree with vmruby, as another married woman myself, your attitude would deserve an a$$whooping.
16i agree with vmruby...at this point, orgasms are the last thing you need to worry about.
17Guilt!Date a man who is not married!I agree with nicadema and no one should encourage you to carry on this relationship because its wrong!!!
18Okay, so the issue at hand is not the fact that he is married here, so i wont discuss that. The issue is the big O. Having had problems myself before...it sucks and you begin to think you never will with a guy. Honestly, you need to take some time to explore your own body. Take time one day to figure out what you think feels good, gentle touch or firmer, etc. Even if you dont experience the O, you'll have a starting place and you can go from there. Also, having a partner whom you feel completely comfortable with is key. You must really be willing to open up emotionally and physically. Even if it feels great, sex can make you feel extremely vulnerable. Sometimes it may take a while for all the planets to align, but it'll get easier if you work on it.
19Perhaps the truth here is that he is unwilling to help you get there. Otherwise he would want you to enjoy it as much as he does, right? Why would you continue to be with someone for over a year(married or not)who obviously does not care about your being satisfied? Respect your self enough to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
20I've been there myself, and trust me summer roberts, it's definitely NOT always about your guy not being willing to help you get there! It just takes more time for some of us to get to know what feels good and what doesn't. And although I'm not a big fan of cheating AT ALL, is anyone here considering the fact that it takes two to cheat?? He is the one that's married, so why should she be called a homewrecker?? If he really loved his wife he wouldn't be with anyone else. So stop giving her a hard time, I think she's getting the picture already.
21He obviously doesn't have much sense and IMO has very little respect for his wife or any woman for that matter, but she should know better, because karma has a way of giving it back. And please, I sincerly doubt that this so called "hard time" she's getting from a bunch of strangers is going to stop her.(Which by the way she opened up that can of worms by posting here in a public forum for everyone else to comment on). I stand by my previous post.She should not be sleeping with with a married man, IT'S WRONG! Not having an orgasm while having sex ,is the very least of her problems. Maybe the reason she can't is possibly caused by guilt?
22Thabk you for all the comments.
23As I said before, thank you for commenting but I think this woman should first of all analyze where she stands, what she wants in life, and be ready to pay the consequences of her actions. WHat I do agree on is that affairs are wrong a lot of people get hurt, I have a friend who is in one and all the comments will be great for her so I will tell her to sign in to Dear Sugar. I do believe also that the "O" issue will not happen if the situation is not confortable enough and knowing that she is in a relationship that is prohibited well that has a lot to do with her being orgasm-less. I do agree with Fashion Doll it takes 2 to cheat, so it's both their faults but maybe this woman needs someone to put some sense into her and I believe this section of comments is to help others out not to judge.
24Have you ever made love to a woman? Orgasm is almost always guaranteed! ha ha. Anyway, he is married and they NEVER leave their wives. Move on...
25May be foreplay is TOO huge? I mean may be you miss the best moment for sex and for orgasm. Have you ever heard about herb Sentia pills for women? I used to take them when I had problems with sex drive and I started to feel so called intercourse, or vaginal, orgasms after it. So may be they are worth using in your situation...
26I'm not going to bother reading some of the other comments. I also don't care what people think of what I'm about to write. Because you are with a married man you DON'T deserve to get a orgasm. Shame on you and shame on him. Even if you feel bad about it, it doesn't take away the fact that you're still with him.
27im not sure if this will make u feel any better, but im 21 years old and i also have never had a orgasm... it completly sucks b/c we dont no what were missing...
28You are a skank if you are sleeping with a married man, it's all your fault you can't get off, you wh*re.
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