I've been in a long on-again, off-again "fling" with a guy that has a regular cycle of breaking up with me when I say I want something more serious. He admits he has a problem opening up and that it's very hard for him to discuss (or even understand) his own emotions, which is why things have never really worked out between us. Then, every time I think it's over, he reaches out to me again. We've both briefly dated other people, but we are each other's number ones.
In the last few months, he has sporadically burst out with his emotions about his confused feelings for me and last week he suddenly told me he loved me!! I know he hasn't said the L word to anyone for a long, long time so I would say this is forward progress on opening up. However, since then we haven't discussed anything and I'm now paralyzed by fear — I don't want to jinx it. Should I just see what happens or should I say something? I know we can't walk away from each other but I feel like we can't move forward either. What do I do?
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La Redoute
J Brand
Vanessa Bruno
Um, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone with so many commitment issues? This type of guy will take ALOT of effort to get him to settle down and I highly doubt it will happen any time soon. Becuase he has made it so clear to you that he's having these types of issues then he will probably cheat, go missing sporadically, break up with you etc etc etc and just blame it all on his intimacy issues. I think it's best to leave this guy alone and find someone who actually WANTS to be with you instead of someone who just wants to f*ck you. He's confused and you're worth so much more.
Good luck
1Unfortunately, I agree with Fallen. But I understand how attached you feel to this guy. As cruel as it may seem, before you get back with him AGAIN, you HAVE to ask him where this is going. It won't be asking him to commit big now- it would be asking him WHEN he will be ready to. It's different. But if even talking about it freaks him out, you'll have to move on.
Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.
2I agree with both of the above posters. I understand attachment, believe me, but this guy is using the old standard "I have trouble opening up, I am so afraid, etc." to keep you hanging on. He doesn't want to commit, he wants to keep his options open to date other people when he feels like it, but he still wants to have you on the back burner for a booty call.
I am sorry this is harsh, but this is a CLASSIC guy ploy. I don't think they are "afraid", but that is a good buzz word to give a girl while they are out dating other women. It's like they are trying to disguise their douchiness with a sensitive emotion and hope you won't pick up on it. Be smarter than that.
Think about it, he's not going to say "I'm an a$$hole and want more than one girl... do you mind hanging around waiting?"
Sorry so strong with the statements, but this is so classic douchebag I have to point it out. Don't buy it. You deserve better.
3I don't think he loves you. He loves that you'll always sleep with him. He loves that you'll always take him back no matter what. He loves that you adore him and will stop your life for him. Tell him that you're flattered, but you're not interested in a casual relationship. If he says no to a real relationship one more time, that's it. Give him the boot and move on. Otherwise you could waste years on a guy who just likes you for sex.
4Okay, this is like trying to take a vision eye chart test without communicating. Either you two talk or you two walk away, choose.
5He's. Stringing. You. Along.
6Move on.
in a phrase: he's just not that into you
you might be his number one but if you were the real girl for him, he would have committed by now. cut your losses. seriously. he's not worth it!
7Girl, I was in a situation eerily similar to this. Do yourself a favor and forget him.
8Oh for f*cks sakes...do you honestly want to be with a guy that takes THAT much effort. Relationships are work but you shouldn't be fighting for someone to want you or love you.
Dump him, do see anyone for a while, don't contact him and don't let him contact you, get over it...and you'll find some other great man. The reason you can't find someone else to be your number one is because when you are dating other men you are not over your commitment phobic non-boyfriend.
"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?" Ghandi
9Is he really worth this much effort? I'm sure there is somebody else out there who could appreciate you more than this emotional degenerate can!
10Do you want to let this go on for the rest of your life? Break up and don't ever contact him again or allow him to contact you...don't answer calls, emails, etc. Find someone worth it! He'll find another girl to put up with his BS.
11I disagree with everybody here. Love is love, you don't just dump and erase people you love. If some can forgive cheaters, others will choose to work on a commitment-phobe.
I do agree you should chat with him. in a non-threatening, non-demanding, non-ultimatum-giving sort of way.
12Agreed with Karlotta, first you try that method first, but if it's just too much work and nothing's changing then you have to move on.
13:singing: *emotional rollercoaster, loving u aint nothing healthy, loving you was never good for meee*
sorry this post made me think of that song
14CRAP.
I DONT KNOW. I HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE AND AFTER 6 YEARS.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
WE BOTH SCARRED EACH OTHER FOR LIFE.
NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY HERE, YOU WILL ONLY FOLLOW YOUR HEART JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE ALSO THINKING REALISTICALLY.
15Please don't B.S. the op. He's not even her boyfriend, just a fling. Of course he doesn't even have to commit himself to her, like she'd ever want to ruin their 'thing'.
16In truth, he sounds like a Justin Bobby, sticking around because he can and hasn't found something better. If you're dumb enough to let someone perpetually use you, you deserve it.
Hmm...I guess I have a strange definition of "love" because this situation sure doesn't fit it!
17Honestly, he will continue to treat you like crap until you no longer allow it. It's that simple. You've shown him that he can f*ck you around, break up with you, probably screw other girls, and you will always take him back. There is no reason for him to change his behaviour, because you will always put up with it in his mind. End it, because otherwise this relationship will just seriously wear down your self-esteem, sense of self, sanity, not to mention your emotional stability and general capacity to trust men in the future. It's just not worth the energy, even if he loves you he is not going to change. I'm sorry to say it because I know it's not what you want to hear, but I have been there before and it just isn't worth it in the long run. Good luck to you.
18I think jazzy said it really well. He is just using you because you are letting him. Who cares what he says to you...even if he SAYS he loves you. Words don't mean a thing until he can prove he means it with his actions, which it doesn't sound like he is doing at all. Respect yourself and make him respect you.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind."
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