About a year and half ago, my serious relationship ended. It was not mutual — he broke up with me out of the blue and I never really had any closure. It's been a while now, I should be over it, but I'm having a really hard time moving on.
Over the last six months or so, I've thrown myself back into the dating scene but there seems to be something seriously lacking. I have been on many dates with great guys but I haven't felt a connection with any of them. These guys are all extremely nice in every possible way and I should be happy to be with any of them, but I cringe when they try to kiss me goodnight, or put their arm around me. As soon and I see interest in their eyes, I run.
I don't understand my reaction, I don't know how to fix it and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling increasingly lonely. Do you have any advice?
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I know what's missing, yourself. You've lost yourself in your previous love and he's taking "you" with him. You should take time, away from dating, and get yourself back. Realize who you are, what you love. You need to let go of him. When you see a great guy you see him, you see another great loving guy who might at any moment break your heart and walk out on you. How am I doing so far? Now after you've taken the time for yourself, and if you haven't realized this yet, realize it when you date again. Whatever great guy you meet, he is not your previous boyfriend, he is his own person, he is different, it could be your future husband (if that's what you want) that you turn away. He could be the one who would give his life to protect you and take care of you and make you happy. Love in general, be it with a significant other, family, or friends, require that you take a change and trust them. You can never tell who will betray that trust and hurt you, but you can't turn everyone away. Find inner happiness first.
1I agree with *GScott86*. I think finding yourself first before you find another man is more important. You'll never treat the next man in a respectful manner after a while, if you begin to compare him to your previous man because you still feel attachments to him. Find yourself while learning to let him go gracefully.
2Stop dating men...date yourself until you don't care about dating anymore. At this point you run the risk of becoming unfit for a decent guy anyway.
3...and yes you can do it. I was with the same man for 11 years, we divorced and I haven't gone on a single date. Why? didn't come across any man I wanted to date. But I have had a wonderful time
4great advice GScott, I think finding herself is priority number one and the rest will follow suit when the time is right...
don't date if you are not ready!
5Mesayme, I am going through a divorce after 13 years...*sigh* I cannot imagine going on a date now, but someday!
6It does seem you're comparing your new dates to your ex, as pink wrote. You need some alone time to figure out what you have learned from your last relationship. Figure out what you have learned about yourself and apply them. There is always a lesson in everything. So many people miss the lessons and wonder why they repeat the same mistakes. Don't over analyze it though and move on.
Don't ask yourself any 'what if' questions. Those questions can and will never be answered. It's a waste of emotional energy and it will make you crazy. Whats done is done. I know from previous experience, life is uncertain and we cannot control it. The uncertainty can be exciting or devastating. Either way, change is good.
You need some time to grieve your loss, as it was a big loss. Quickly substituting one man for another never works, ask my sister...lol I'm sure you're lonely, I would be. Instead of looking for a new bf, look for a friend in these men. Friendship is an extremely important ingredient to a successful LTR.
Fill your time with family and friends. The pain will eventually be a distant memory and you have learned a valuable lesson. Celebrate yourself and your freedom. You have a new start in life.
7agree completely with the others- date yourself and enjoy your company.
8Yeah, find out who you are first and enjoy being with just you. Get involved in activities that are fulfilling to you emotionally and can help you become someone less dependent having a man in your life.
9ahh i agree with the rest of the team.. i had this issue when i broke up with my ex of 3 years, except i ended up really hurting the next guy i dated..take to be you and be yourself and everything will work out find in the end dont give up because there's a guy out there who will make you feel again!
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