Arent you a little upset that he was setting up lunch with a girl as well? Sounds to me like both of you are guilty here... I suggest counselling.

Go see a mediator so you guys can duke out this big issue and have an unbiased mediator to help you get through this. Good luck.

Jeez!

What the...? Ok, my fiancee and I are completely open-book from the beginning because we believe it and we have no qualm and no nervousness because we have nothing to hide. It seems that you're 'forced' to this new 'open book' policy and you're also as insecure/jealous as he is anyway. And both of you seem to be 'cheating' on each other anyway.

How about cut your losses and MOVE ON from this very dysfunctional relationship and see a therapist so it won't happen again in your next relationship.

hope2be is right. Cut ties and walk away. I don't think that you need conseling or anything. Just step away and give yourself time to think before you jump into another relationship. And for the record, I don't agree with anyone going into my email, phone, myspace, mail, anything. I don't see the purpose of it at all. You need to ahve some privacy.

When will you people learn...without learning the hard way. Friends of the opposite sex almost always makes your mate feel like the outsider, the third wheel, the one not in on the joke. And if you try it...you will soon have your own blog to post. IT DOESN'T WORK> DON'T TRY IT!
I have never met a man who wouldn't have sex with me if I batted the wrong eye...cause I sure never offer! LOL You both have made each other a bag of nerves scared to lose each other to nonsense...I suggest hibernation for the two of you. Get all others OUT of your business.

(I did the dating site thing too...it was hilarious! Remember the pina colada song? I knew it was him, I'm really good at playing dumb...and we weren't even dating!!! He has a need to be in my business even though he has his OWN business.)

You deal with it by dumping his ass. Any guy who demands access to your phone records and e-mail is on the fast track to becoming an abuser. The reason he's so suspicious of you cheating is because HE is the one who has been cheating. This is a classic case. Get out now.

And Mesayme, I disagree wholeheartedly that people in a relationship can't have friends of the opposite sex. Even friendships with exes. It's about respect and maturity. My guy knows that I'm with him because I want to be with him, not my ex. And I know the same about my guy. If he wanted to be with someone else, he'd end the relationship and go.

so you were talking to a guy friend and he was setting up lunch with a girl friend.. yet he's mad about you? um a lil hypocritical don't ya think? both of you are wrong. neither of you should have hidden it. you should have been honest and told him you wanted to keep the guy as a friend, but maybe you'd try not to spend hours on the phone with him if it was making your bf uncomfortable. and both of you shouldn't be snooping through each other's stuff! its obvious neither of you trust each other at all. he says he wants you to win his trust back but it sounds like you want him to win yours back. i'd sit him down and tell him that you don't trust him either, that you want to stay friends with your guy friend, and that if he isn't willing to work it out on equal ground (ie BOTH him and you putting effort into fixing it) then you don't want to continue relationship. there is no need for him to treat you like the total bad guy here.

and i also disagree about friends of the opposite sex. i have many guy friends, including some that i have a history with. and its a history for a reason- clearly it never worked out, so i see no problems being friends with them. i am friends with their now gf's and wives too. the only time a guy ever had a problem with it was when he was in the group of friends as well and knew more about the history then most of my bfs would. he didn't like it- but he dealt with it.

I'm with luisamapacha on this. Seriously, you're not even mad at him that he looked at your phone records first to find out that you've been talking to a male friend? He's made you take the blame for some bad decisions on BOTH of your parts; he's isolated you from at least one friend (and who knows how many more will follow); and now he's making you share phone and e-mail records (though he doesn't have to do the same with you) as though you're a guilty child. He may never be physically abusive, but he's already being emotionally abusive. You need to get out, immediately, cut all ties with him, and get yourself into therapy to see why you let him make you feel that way to begin with. Deal with whatever is in your head that makes you tolerate an abusive relationship, and then move on with your dating life so you don't end up in the same situation again with a different guy. And of course, in future relationships, honesty really is always the best policy with the important stuff. I may tell my husband a little white lie (Sure, those jeans look great on you!), but I would never hide my communication with someone else from him. Trust and honesty are the cornerstone of any good relationship.

Sorry luisamapacha, you're in the minority. It has nothing to do with respect or maturity. It's about selfishness and greed. Men and women perfectly capable of managing careers cannot for the life of themselves be monogamous. Everyone in an ideal situation thinks they know the 'read deal' on how it is. Wrong. It just hasn't happened to you yet that you know of...I agree to disagree. I once thought like you do.

BTW, if you don't know a woman who's intruding on a relationship between a male and another woman...the female friend he runs to tell his troubles to instead of her...it's you.

my ex was just like this. it had alot to do with his insecurities. he was so jealous of everyone i talked to and tried making me cut ties with friends. Its a control issue i think. its almost like they want to know your every move, thought and feeling so they can set your limits for you. I say dump him. I know thats not the best advice, but controlling guys are whack and they usually dont improve.

Luisamapacha - I agree 100% Controlling men only get worse, there is no trust in this relationship... sounds like there never was.

oh, and some people are perfectly capable of being monogomous

I disagree... my boyfriend has a female friend that I'm completely 100% comfortable with him talking to/hanging out with, and I have a male friend that hes 100% comfortable with me talking to/hanging out with... I dont see having friends of the opposite sex as a problem... the key to doing it successfully is being completely honest and open about it at all times, thus giving the other person no reason to feel suspicious or insecure. The OP's problem is the fact that she was hiding her friendship with this guy from her boyfriend, after he specifically told her he wasn't comfortable with it, thus giving him a reason to be suspicious/insecure/upset... its not the fact that she is friends with a male. I think, however, that if her friendship with said male was completely transparant and platonic...her bf wouldn't have had any issue with it in the first place...

He sounds like a d!ck for demanding (and using) access to your phone records and emails, but I also have to say, don't promise to "cut ties" with someone and then don't do it (and, from what I'm guessing, lie about it).

The guy is far worse, though. What is he, a private detective or something? He actually sounds scary.

There just isn't ANY trust on EITHER side!

Either both of you go to a counselor to get to the root of the trust issues, or end this toxic wasteland of a relationship.

Mesayme, it's starting to sound like you're the one in the minority. I'm sorry if you don't think people in relationships can have friends of the opposite sex. There have been 2 occasions where guy friends of mine were dating very insecure women who demanded they cut ties with all female friends. In both cases my guy friends complied, and in both cases the women ended up being so psycho they wreaked a lot of havoc in the guys' lives. One invited him over for dinner and then called the police and had him arrested. The other ended up marrying the guy, having three kids and then walking out on him and the kids one day without notice. Now he's running household, a business, and trying to raise 3 kids on his own.

What I'm getting at is that NO healthy relationship requires the severance of all other friendships.

Any guy that exhibits controlling behavior is not someone you want to be with. That is reason enough to leave the relationship. On the other topic one of my best friends is a guy and my bf has friends that are female. As long as you trust each other its fine. When you meet someone who wants you to change its time to run in the other direction.

totally agree with Luisa. Mesayme, just because youve been burned doesnt mean everyone is going to end up in the same situation as you. I have plenty of male friends who I hang out with on a regular basis who would never view me in a sexual way and I definitely dont view them that way either. Also, my boyfriend has female friends, mine you they're not very close, but I would never even fathom him doing anything with them. I think you have your own trust issues here and you're just projecting.

For the OP, I think you two have based your relationship on distrust and as I said before you might be able to salvage it with ALOT of help but if I was in your situation.. i would want to start off with a clean slate. For your next relationship, make it very clear that you have male friends aht you have NO intentions of losing just because youre in a relationship. Also, be very upfront about everything and no more secrets.

Good luck

You are both wrong and unless you're both stop lying for A LONG TIME, you can't fix this sorry. Both of you should confront this together and see how it goes

If neither of you cheated on each other, there's no reason for this. You're not being honest with each other. And that's not a good thing. You both need to have a good level of trust in each other, but if neither is staying true to that trust, this will NEVER work, it's just a disaster waiting to happen. You both need to sit down and talk about your trust issues.

I'm by in no chance suggesting that we shouldn't have any friends of opposite sex, by the way. Honestly, I have many male friends more so than my fiancee has female friends.

I just suggest to OP, again, cut your losses and move on and see a therapist.

And by my open-book policy, I have no qualm for my fiancee to be reviewing any phone record, e-mails, etc and vice versa. We share those things together (it's under both of our names). We don't get defensive or protective over an e-mail accounts, and watching over our shoulders when the other is on the computer, worrying about chatting/AIM-what-have-you. We have nothing to hide in our relationship so we don't get upset over those things.
Although so far, we've not done that or be tempted to check the other person out. The only times we reviewed our phone bills were when we think the phone company is messing up our bills and we have to see in details what happened in the last month or so.

You both seem to hate each other. You have no trust, you have nothing.

It's totally ok to have friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship. Even better if your significant other meets or occassionally interacts with these friends. Keeping the lines of communication open in a relationship and being honest is key when it comes to issues like snooping and jealousy. It's when someone starts to hide what they are doing because the other is uncomfortable with it that problems will arise. I see it often at work, and hate throwing guys (and girls) out of the bar for catching their bf/gf "cheating" with a friend they promised they wouldn't talk to anymore.

You don't trust him and he doesn't trust you.... what is the point of this relationship?

You are in a sick relationship that you need to end now. Neither one of you trusts the other. You obviously are not mature adult who can have individual lives as well as be in a relationship. Breakup and then one day when you mature and find someone you can trust, then you can enter into a real relationship.

You both have major trust, jealousy (and I'm guessing self-confidence) issues. If you want to make it work, get into couples therapy. It doesn't sound like you will be able to work this out on your own. He's going to have to acknowledge that he was wrong too, and you'll both have to forgive and forget and be honest and open moving forward.

Or end it, grow up some more and remember these mistakes next time you start a relationship.