My best girlfriend and I were really close until she started dating this one guy. I didnt know that much about him but that he was in the service and that she really loved him. Well they went to Vegas for a belated 21st birthday for the two of them and i was pretty upset but i got over it because it was her boyfriend. Well forward a year from then in September 08 and he broke up with her, he just left her. I was kinda shocked but also like OK whatever because i didnt really know him and that part of her life that much. It now early October and she still hasn't gotten over him, and she started going to therapy for it. I supported her decision but i was a little like you kinda need to get over it. But her mother and her and i sat down at dinner one evening and she ended up telling me that she and her boyfriend were actually married and had been married for about a year and when they went to Vegas they got married there. and now i understand why she cant get over him because he was her first at everything. Marriage, sex, true love.... BUT i feel soooo betrayed and i don't know what to do. My family and my guy best friend and therapist say that she isn't a friend and that i should just leave the friendship. So am i the only one that has or is going through this. i need advice from some women so please e-mail me or post me back a comment

It turns me off when friends do something to another person to make themselves feel better about their insecurities. It strikes me as being incredibly selfish.

I was bff w/ a girl I'd known since elementary school, and when we were about 20 out of nowhere, she started cheating on her boyfriend that'd she'd been with for a LONG time. I thought it was a one time thing, but then she'd drive to meet up w/ this loser every weekend for months. I ended it immediately. I have no respect for someone who can do that repeatedly to the one they "love". They're still together and are having a baby soon. ugh.

I remember more vividly all the bad things an ex-friend has done, definitely. I've had to cut ties with former friends because of some of the things they've done, both to me and to others.

The bottom line is that I can't deal with people who can't at least be decent human beings. Who wants to be close with people like that?

"If I ever lose my faith in you...they'll be nothing left for me to do..."
Sting

And I agree.

I recently had to move because my husband is in the
United States Navy. When we moved I had to leave 2 of my best friends behind. I keep close ties with them but its just not the same. Through my husbands work, about 3 weeks after we moved, I met a girl who reminded me a lot of my best friend. She and I started hanging out a lot. She has a son one week older than mine. We were pregnant together for a couple weeks then she had her baby and I had mine. We got pretty close for awhile. Recently tho the father of her baby moved in with her and I am starting to see a whole new side of her I really don't like. She is lazy, selfish, rude and has been being a complete opposite of what I thought she was. Now I don't trust her with my kids (I have 3) and my husband and I have seriously considered not talking to her anymore. Especially after she lied to us and tried to insult my parenting skills. I felt betrayed and real dissapointment. I don't know if I could see her in the same light again, but all things are possible through God so I guess only time will tell.

bree, just let your friend go. I know she betrayed you by leaving all the details out and you on the other hand, have always shown support to her. However, it is her life, her decision to get involved with her then husband and her decision to not share the details with you. Perhaps you can forgive her and just let her be. I think she's gotten her fair shares of problems now and she has probably learned her lesson. Either way, treat her as a friend but you also have to protect your own feelings so not to get hurt again. Just forgive her for that particular incidents, start with a clean slate with her and grow your friendship with her from there. It would be impossible to be as close as you were before the vegas incident and you may lower your expectation in the beginning till your friendship with her has matured. On the other hand, if you feel that the relationship is not worth giving it a second chance and all that efforts repairing, then just forgive her and move on. best of luck to you.

I am currently going through this process... I met my other bff at work... I noticed that no one else at work really liked her but I thought she was just weird like me
10 years past and we grew closer and closer and were the best of the best... we knew everything about each other or so I thought. I did notice a jealousy issue between us and my other friends but I just let her deal with that....
once she hit her 30th birthday... things just went crazy... she split with her bf of 12 yrs (which she totally needed to cause he was a douche and she never believed me until she caught him cheating), she moved out on her own and went buck wild. Doing things with complete strangers and not controlling her already out of control drinking problem.
I finally had to just let her be. It was really hard for me to do at first but I just couldn't take all of her drama in my life right now. We speak about once every two weeks right now and its almost like we are just off track.... we both sit with dead air on the phone...neither of us knowing what to say to the other.
But it will all buff out. She has to learn to do somethings on her own and quit denying the truth and no one can teach her that but herself.

Personally I don't let anyone in my life is has low morals, behaves in embarrassing manners or acts in childish ways. The way people carry themselves in everyday situations speaks a lot about them. I have a handful of very close friends whose morals are inline with mine. I'd rather have that then tons of friends who I secretly cannot stand and feel half-hearted about.

And yes, I've ended a few long term friendships because I did not agree with they way these said "friends" handled situations (and these were all extreme case). Its better to cut them off entirely than have a blank friendship full of drama and remorse.

"Personally I don't let anyone in my life is has low morals . . ."

I completely identify with this. I have a similar outlook.

Without TMI, I've had my fair share of bad friendships. The silver lining is that I learned from my mistakes of letting these people into my life. I'm better at making choices in friends.

I am a hard person, so I cut people off. I don't even explain because I think at the end of the days they will insist they aren't doing anything wrong. I just slowly fade away. I think sometimes its much better to rely on your gut and your own company to do things you want to do with your life. Friends are needed but nowadays you can ask for second opinions from various sources and if you need a moral support then rely on your family instead. I really don't waste time if people who have changed who they truly are. We all change honey and it's a part of life.

And if you have a standard good on you. YOU should have a moral standard as someone else has mentioned in here. DO the right thing for you.

Yes. I had a friend who was a major junkie. Then one time he was all "would you go to jail for me if I got arrested?" -what? No I wouldn't go to jail for you. Then he was all "why not?" um why would you want a friend of yours to go to jail.

I cut off all ties with him. It just wasn't worth it, he was really clingy too. He would get upset sometimes if I needed a night to myself. I just couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes everyone loses it and acts crazy but people move on and they learn from it.

But some people are just crazy 24/7 and I just can't deal with that on a regular basis. I like observing people not in a creepy way but I like to see how they treat others, how they treat their families, themselves, their current friends, strangers, etc.

So I observe first before I get to know anyone, and if they seem the type of person that I respect then I try to get to know them. I didn't become friends with this one girl because she just blew people off even though she was nice at work. I didn't want to be another person she would blow off for whatever reason.

btw that friend I don't talk to anymore, had a hygiene problem- here's an example...he had pants with poop stains on them, and I tried telling him that he did and that didn't go over very well.

He was all "people shouldn't judge you by how you look" - sure if you live by yourself in the woods then they don't but when you interact with other people then it matters.

yes.
one of my best friends went on a "guy's are all lying assholes" stint and got me to doubt my guy.
i'm a pretty paranoid person and she should've known better.
plus my guy did absolutely nothing to deserve what she said about him.
without provocation, she said that he "wasn't different from any other guy." and that "how do you know that he isn't sleeping around?"

me and her don't talk much anymore.

my friend for nearly 8 years was pissed at me for not having time to hang out with her since i was so busy with school and work. i realized how incredibly clingy and needy she was after she would show up to my apartment unannounced everyday wanting to hang out. after telling her i was busy in retaliation she emailed my boyfriend (whom she barely knows at all) a long detailed email about me being a bad friend mentioning many personal things, including things about me and my EX-bf, sooo, lets just say thats the end of that friendship.

Our best friend put down another good friend of ours in a break-up by commenting on her recently gained weight. Turns out, she had been though a really tough break up and stopped eating because she was so upset. When she dated our friend, she actually started eating and put her 10 lbs back on (so she actually looked normal again). And when she turned down his proposal to be friends with benefits (after the break-up), he said "When I asked you to be friends with benefits, I was willing to look past the extra 10 pounds." Needless to say, I haven't looked at him the same since.

My best friend, who I always thought was smart and reasonable, is fervently supporting McCain and Palin. I honestly don't know how to talk with him anymore.

Just talk about everything else but politics.

well i think that i've learned that nothing is ever a given, and i have friends that have done shady things in the past that make me see them differently, but i don't think that it's really ever truly impacted things. on the opposite side, i've also had a friend or 2 really step up when i didn't expect it and that's been the welcome change, and i've found that i can really see them in a different light. i guess you can't ever get too comfortable with people...right?

A couple of months ago I was visiting my best friend from college and she got really drunk. She started talking about wanting to drive home so another friend and I hid her car keys from her. She went absolutely crazy and started yelling, wrecking his house, and hitting us.
So since then I haven't had any communication with her. She has called me a couple of times but I don't return her calls. It sucks to lose a friend, but some things are just inexcusable.

i got my friend a job, she never expressed her gratitude, then she was fired for stealing. she never spoke to me about it or had an explanation. im not sure what to do ?

I've had a couple friends I cut out of my life. Basically they caused a lot of unnecessary drama in the group and they we're just too stressful to deal with. Too much headaches. Happy I don't talk to them anymore.

To cut a verrrrrry long story short.
I was in love with my best friend.
Then she dropped me for some guy.
Now she's a total slut and sleeps with anyone who'll give her a lift in their car or buy her something.
I have no respect for her and no idea who she is anymore.
She thinks i hate her.
Truth be told i think about her and miss her everyday of my life.
I never new it would turn out like this.

One day my best friend confesses to me that my boyfriend (while we were on a break) forced himself on her. I lost it- I went off on him like youve never seen before- tried to convince her to press charges (she refused) and had to go into counseling bc I was so upset that my boyfriend of over 2 years could do something like that.

fast forward a little and I discover in therapy that her story didnt make sense and kept changing and I realized she got drunk and messed around with him and then threw him under the bus when she thought her roommates were going to tell me what really happened. Eventually I did get over it- but I told her she needed to admit she lied and then we could forget about it. she knew I knew she had lied and didnt argue with me about it, but refused to admit she lied. I told her when she was willing to tell me the truth she knew where to find me.....that was 6 years ago.

I was very hurt that she would rather lose her best friend then admit she was wrong- especially since what she did was so horrible and I was still willing to let it go. But I guess it showed me what kind of person she really was

Sass, I'm very sorry that happened to you. People can be total sh*t-heads, and though I don't know, it clearly seems that you are far better off without a 'friend' like that.

That said, I fortunately have never been in a situation like this. I've never had a close friend do something-to me or otherwise-that made me think of them differently. I have done some serious growing up and soul-searching over the past year, and have cut a few people out of my life because they were not positive people, or they used me and others, but it was no one very close. I admire all of you that have had the GUTS and self-awareness to know what relationships are toxic and not worth the effort.

Yes, most recently, a friend of mine cancelled dinner plans so she could take her fiance out when he moved back in town. I found out she not only took him out, but went out with her other friends the night she and I were supposed to. She actually forgot she lied to me and told me what a good time it was. So, I haven't hung out with her since. I don't need that crap haha

Thanks Angela-

What I find interesting is I know she ended up marrying the guy she was seeing when we stopped being friends, and I met him once. He knew how close we were and he was actually more nervous about meeting me than he was about meeting her parents. It makes me wonder how she explained my sudden disappearance- and how he would feel if he knew the truth.

I also wonder if she has grown up at all in the last 6 years and feels guilty about what she did.

I used to live with a few other girls. One of the girls and I became really close friends. We pretty much did everything together. We partied together alot and she completely changed into someone different. She was the girl who had to be the "it" girl. All eyes always had to be on her and she ate up attention from guys like no one Id ever seen. I couldnt stand it. She was so fake and materialistic, I really started resenting her. But we were roommates and everyone knew we were best friends so I hid it for a while. Then one night, we had been up all weekend partying and I just wanted to go to be (after being up for 2 days straight) Everyone wanted to go back to the club, but I really was not up for it. She tried to get me to meth, to "wake me up". That was the breaking point for me. I told her no and went in my room and closed the door. I decided at that moment that I needed to stop with the drugs and the partying and get away from her before she took me down on her sinking ship. I moved out of the house and we havnt really spoken since.

9 times out of 10 I'm a good judge of character but sometimes I'm off and sometimes I'm way off. there was one friend that started to rub me the wrong way and then she crossed the line. I couldn't just cut things off due to certain circumstances and things are still a little strained between us, if not fake the majority of the time. I wish there was something I could say or do to see the whole story (I get from her) but that's not possible and I have to work with what I have and try to base our 'friendship' on that.

ug. there's nothing worse than awkward strained 'friendships' I'd rather it was black or white instead of 30% grey.

I THOUGHT I FOUND A GOOD FRIEND WHEN I WAS WORKING AT A SALON. I WOULD NEVER MEET CLEINTS AND INVITE THEM TO MY HOUSE UNLESS THEY WERE OLDER MATURE WOMEN.
WELL THIS ONE SHE WAS MY AGE I FELT SORRY FOR HER BECAUSE SHE WAS LOSING HAIR AT A YOUNG AGE.
I DO HAIR RESTORATION AND OTHER THINGS TO RESTORE HAIR AND I GAVE A HAIR AGAIN AND WE BECAME FRIENDS.
SHE HELPED ME MOVE AND PACK, BUT ONE PROBLEM SHE WAS ALWAYS TELLING MY MAN HOW SHE WAS SO LONELY AND HARDWORKING WOMAN, AND MEN KEPT USING HER.
SHE TOLD ME THIS TOO. ONE DAY AT THE NEW HOUSE SHE ASK ME AND MY MAN TOO TRY AND HOOK HER UP WITH THE OWNER WHO WAS RENTING TO US, BUT HE WAS NOT INTERESTED. LATER THE OWNER TOLD US SHE WAS DRINVING BY HIS HOUSE AND CALLED HIM THREE TIMES ABOUT RENTING THE HOUSE AND THAT IT WAS STRANGE TO SEE HER WITH US. I SHOWED HER THE HOUSE BEFORE WE MOVED IN BUT NEVER KNEW SHE DID THIS.
I FORGAVE HER, BUT THEN A WEEK LATER SHE WAS ACTING STRANGE, SHE WOULD COME OVER MYHOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK WITH A SHORT DRESS ON AND NO PANTIES!
I COVERED HER UP WITH BLANKETS, BUT WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT HOW SHE CARRIED HERSELF AT MY HOUSE. THEN AFTER THIS DAY SHE STOP COMING OVER SO MUCH AND WOULD ONLY COME BY TO GET GET HAIR TREATMENT. THEN I NOTICED SHE AND MY MAN DID NOT GET ALONG FOR SOME ODD REASON. THEY WOULD TEASE AND TAUNT EACH OTHER, I TOLD THEM BOTH IT MADE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE HOW THEY CONSTANTLY DID THIS.
SHE TOTALLY STOPPED CALLING ME AND COMING OVER, AND IT WAS STRANGE. TWO MONTHS LATER SHE CALLS ME LATE AT NIGHT SAYING SHE HAD SOMETHING TO TELL ME BUT DIDN'T WANT OUR FRIENDSHIP TO SUFFER.WE WERE TO MEET AT HER HOUSE, BUT SHE WASN'T THERE ????
SHE NEVER TOLD ME AND WHAT IT WAS, AND I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME SHE SLEPT WITH MY MAN.
I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT THIS OF HIM, BUT JUST RECENTLY FOUND OUT SOME THINGS ABOUT HIM HE WAS NOT TOTALLY HONEST ABOUT AND HOW HE IS ALWAYS COMING HOME EXTRA LATE AND NEVER BUYS ME ANYTHING, FLOWERS NADA.
HE STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT ME NOT WORKING , WHEN HE ASKED ME TO GO TO SCHOOL AND STOP WORKING AT THE SHOP. HE STARTED ACUSSING ME OF CHEATING OR CHECKING MY PHONE ....I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
THIS IS STRANGE, BUT IT'S BEEN MONTHS AND WHEN I CALL HER, SHE WILL BE FRIENDLY BUT MAKE SOME EXCUSES TO GET OFF THE PHONE AND NEVER CALLS BACK.
I HAVE SOME THINGS HERE OF HERS THAT SHE LEFT FROM A YARD SALE, BUT DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT ALL. ALMOST FOUR MONTHS AND I CAN'T PARK IN MY GARAGE.
MAYBE I AM JUST THINKING THESE THINGS BUT IT HAS ALL BEEN SO STRANGE

I'm actually having a bit of a tiff with one of my guy friends at the moment. He's done quite a few things just over the past couple of weeks that made me lose all respect for him.
A couple weekends back, I was at his house and he tried to feel me up after I basically had a nervous breakdown. I was almost crying because of a fight I had with my boyfriend, so what does he do? Starts stroking my hair and massaging my back! He even got on top of me and started 'tickling' me. I was so grossed out.
He's a really jealous person who hates my best friend (who's a guy) and I know he despises my boyfriend, even though he says otherwise. I pretty much figured out that he only befriended me because he wanted to hook up. So gross.