There's nothing as rude and hurtful as a critical comment dressed as praise or a joke. The truth is no matter how they're brushed off, you know when someone's said something to intentionally put you down. Anger and embarrassment are natural reactions, but an article from November's O magazine offers some more productive ways of countering rude comments. I've summed up the four principles it mentions, so to see them just read more.
- Find your emotional balance. In order for a verbal attack to be effective, the person being insulted has to be vulnerable. If you feel good about yourself, you'll recognize the attack as a character flaw in the person throwing it and not yourself.
- Do what you can to get mean people out of your life. People who intentionally say something hurtful are not nice and by being around those people you're only opening yourself up to their cruel behavior.
- If there's no way to get away from someone like this, then you have to learn how to properly defend yourself. The article offers three techniques as follows:
- Give a direct response to acknowledge that a comment is rude and to stop it in its tracks. For instance, "That was mean. Please stop."
- Don't get defensive — concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, "I'm tired today. How have you been?"
- Rudeness seeks to make others feel child-like and weak, so counter a biting statement with the tone of a reprimanding parent, like "If you have nothing nice to say, please don't say anything at all."
- Changing your reaction to backhanded compliments and rude observations takes time, but the more you practice the more natural it will feel.
I found these strategies helpful, but I know everyone has their own ways of dealing with these situations. How do you react when someone makes a comment you know is meant to be to be critical and put you down?
L.a.p.a.
Alberta Ferretti
Erickson Beamon
Ya I cut people like that out of my life and when they try to hang out with me..I am busy. If I have to hang out with them...I am nice but avoid talking to them or telling them anything personal about my life
1I hate people that spam out put-down statement. Just b/c you have a problem yourself, why do you pick a target to unload your emotional trauma? Also, how fair is it? Who are you really to issue those put-down statement, you aren't really that good or perfect anyway. Perhaps you are better than the other person in certain areas in life but you are not completed rid of flaws. So I think unless you are a perfect person (which no one is really) otherwise there is nothing inherent in you to put others down.
I have to say that I am the type of person that will fight back and I like to use the same statements used on me back onto the other person. It's not right, I know but who tell you to start it first in the first page. I will also distant that person but won't just shut my mouth till I give them back what they've given me. Usually no relationship can be sustained after that but it's worth the effort to show that no one is a doormat for another.
2I don't have to put up with these these often, but if I do, I find that a nice biting sarcastic remark puts them in their place.
3This is an excellent article.
As for me, unfortunately, I have people like this in my life. They're certain family members and in-laws who I cannot COMPLETELY cut out of my life (due to moral and family-value reasons). I've put down some boundaries, though, but they are still in my life in a limited capacity.
Personally, I like the second technique:
"Don't get defensive — concede the truth in their words, but ignore their negative behavior completely. For example, if someone says something about how awful you look, you might respond with, "I'm tired today. How have you been?"
This aligns most with my personality.
Generally, I feel sorry for people like this. People who do this are unhappy people. They dump on others because, as the adage goes, misery enjoys company. When I ignore their put-downs, I'm in effect declining the invitation to join them in their misery. Thanks, but no thanks.
4Luckily for me, most people don't realize I've insulted them until long after we've parted. And it was only if they deserved it.
5Often pointing out the rude behavior without getting defensive (as the article suggests) shocks and stops the person in their tracks. For example, the other day a co-worker said something really rude to me in front of a group of people. My first instinct was to respond in anger with the same elevated, rude tone but I simply said "that was incredibly rude of you to say." very calmly. I ended up looking like the more level headed, in control one.
6I totally agree with babysoftpink! and thanks for the tip!
7It's easy to get offended and then shoot back mean comments, but that makes you both look like little kids. Calling them out calmly and saying something like "That was very rude" makes you look like the adult.
8I've lived with someone before who did this to me a LOT. She's a very jealous and miserable person and her mean/negative comments to me actually made me feel really happy about my life and who I am. But it was just so taxing to have to come home to that everyday. I usually just gave her kind of a bewildered look and a nervous laugh whenever she said sh*t to me because I seriously did NOT know how to respond! Some of the things she said ... it was so surreal.
9i've learned that no reaction at all works best. a lot of the time people are trying to get some type of response from you if it's an argument, a smile, a blow off...something, and i've found that if i DON'T react at all, then i'm able to deal with it better. i choose to not respond there, so i don't say things that either validate what they are saying or show that it's bothering me at all and then it gives me the chance to just digest it and plan my next actions accordingly.
10Oh this is an excellent post for women, thank you dearsugar. I am a quick reactor usually but since I've grown older (very older) I just don't say anything directly but somehow it shows on my face. Trust me when you're pissed it shows on your face. The other party seems to get the idea and if others aren't mean spirited they quickly change the subject (people aren't mean generally). If the person continues..this reflects badly on that person, not on me
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