Dear Sugar,
Recently I read the post about telling your ex what he did wrong. My ex and I broke up a year ago. I have dated other people, but I am finding it very difficult to get over this relationship. This was the first time I really opened up my heart; I had seen a future with this person. We broke up with little closure on my end. He just shut me out of his life and ended our relationship. I feel like it's unfair that I did not have a say in our breakup. I never got the chance to voice my feelings and understand why things had to end. I thought that with time I would feel better and things would naturally resolve, but now that a significant amount of time has passed, I am losing hope. For obvious reasons, I cannot contact this person and get things off my chest. How can I find closure for myself?
— Holding on Holly
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Holding on Holly,
Whenever a relationship ends abruptly and from one-side, closure is that much more difficult to find. And of course, you're right — it is unfair that you had no say in the matter and never even got the opportunity to express yourself. But as frustrating as it may be, what's done is done, and it sounds like you're ready to believe that. Start by writing down everything you'd like to say to your ex, if you could. Be as angry or as sappy as you want to be. It might take more than one try, but get every emotion out, even if that means repeating yourself or obsessing on the smallest of memories.
When you feel like it's all out there, read it over. Then, write a letter to yourself, listing all of the ways in which you are better and stronger today. If you can only think of one, then just start there. Tape it to your bedside table or tuck it into your desk at work, taking time each day to add something to it. It could be a lesson you learned, a silly conversation that made you smile, or a change you've noticed in yourself. Every time you're feeling the loss from your breakup read that letter and take a moment to truly remember that you're better off.
Finally, work on stopping your obsessive thoughts — I have a bunch of tips if you're looking for a starting point. If you can't do it on your own, seek out a therapist. There's no shame in asking for help when you need it, and sometimes, all we need is a good listener.
Dunelm Mill
Buti
Hogan
Counseling. Even a few sessions will REALLY help you. Also try the book _Extreme Breakup Recovery_ available from Amazon. I'm a nerd, I know, but using a workbook really helped me through, and talking helped even more.
1good job dear sugar! i ended up going to a therapist and it was/is so helpful!
2I went through an almost exact situation. I went to therapy and it helped a lot. Give it a go
3I went through a similar situation as well. But I think time did the trick for me. He cut you out of his life without giving you any closure shows alot about his character. Is he perfect? I know you saw a future with him, can you still see that now? Be rational if he couldn't give you time of the day, why should you cry over him? just keep on looking, someone very special is going to take your breath away soon.
4I didn't have closure after a 3 year relationship. If *I* can do it, I know you can do it. Every time we broke up previously, I always thought I needed that closure in order to move on, but it only hindered my progress and we eventually got back together. In retrospect, I shouldn't have ever gotten back with him after the first time. But I digress.... I did what Dear is telling you to do. I wrote out a bunch of e-mails to him, but never sent them. I knew if I sent them they would give him the pleasure of knowing how angry/upset I was at the time. It's only been a couple months for me, and I actually just wrote him another "e-mail" yesterday (which I deleted). It's going to take time, but it'll pass eventually. Keep your head up!
5I got all of my feelings out through my poetry. And here, just talking it out with whoever (caution: some people are supportive; some have you running for a bridge so be careful) It all helped in addition to praying and loving myself through my hobbies and interest. I just tried to remember, I'm still me. If I was good enough for him to fall in love with...I'm good enough to love myself.
6Unfortunately, we don't always get the chance to have our say at the end of a relationship. And essentially, there isn't much we can do about that; if someone wants to just end it without much discussion, it's not like we can *force* them to hear us out. It IS much harder to get over it when we're completely shut out, but we have to. So the suggestions here are good ones; counseling, writing, talking it out with your friends (the ones who care enough to patiently listen). At some point, you'll realize you're getting somewhere, but it can take awhile. Good luck!
7I love Dear's advice - writing is so therapeutic. Yet, I would send him the letter (if you know where to find him.) Knowing that he's read how you feel about it all may actually make you feel better. Because one of the reasons you can't get closure is that you never got to express your feelings on the matter - remaining unheard is very painful. Who cares what he thinks when he reads it? At least you'll have spoken.
8i don't know if there's really any quick fix to a situation like this. i think that it's natural that we want closure, and for myself - i can't say that writing things down ever makes it any easier. you find yourself trying to find friend in common to see if you can find out what happened and what the other person is thinking - and that's not healthy either. you end up alienating friends that way because they don't want to deal with your obsessiveness and they don't want to be in the middle. it's one of those things that you should just move on and not look back and realize that you'll find someone that does appreciate you and maybe that's how you'll find closure in it all. we've all been there and you will at some point come out at the other end.
9If I care for the person I move on and allow time to heal me. If not I b*tch and complain for a week and then I get over it.
10I've been going through the same thing. After 3 years of making up and breaking up, I can see that there is no future left for us. He ended it with me very abrubtly and dragged me through the mud while he was sneaking around with other girls. I've never felt this kind of pain but I know that somewhere, there is a light of hope. I think time and NOT bottling up everything are the keys to getting over a truly horrific break up. *Good luck everyone*
11Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.