Tell him that you would be too terrified to lose such an heirloom and suggest something that can be worn daily without the stress instead. Just wear the heirloom to the weddign and stash in away "for safekeeping"

"Accidentally" lose it!

I would say that the ring was uncomfortable and ask if he would mind resetting the diamond in another band. Then we could pick out one that was more my style.

Luckily my husband picked a ring I love!

wrong ring, wrong guy!

I would be honest with him. My boyfriend understands that I have particular taste and would probably be disappointed at first BUT would ultimately want me to have the ring I wanted. (within reason of course)

Who cares? The engagement ring my husband bought me is ugly but I still wear it with my wedding ring every day.

He worked hard for the money to buy it, picked it out himself, and got down on one knee with it (and even in the case of it being an heirloom, it's part of his family which he obviously cares for and I'm going to be marrying into). It's ugly and pointy but I love it and would never trade it in for anything else!

how would i handle it?
i would wear the damn thing, it's a freakin ring, i don't believe in engagements and all that jazz because I feel people put too much emphasis on the dumb stuff like what a ring looks like, how big the diamond is blah blah blah rather than just being stoked that someone actually is willing to put up with you for the rest of their lives haha

I agree with Daria and lizrocks. Suck it up. It might be ugly but it has such a beautiful meaning behind it. If you care more about the ring then about what it represents then your relationship has much bigger problems then just an ugly ring.

I agree with Fallen and the others. It's not what it looks like that matters. And "accidentally" losing it is just cruel and shallow.

It's weird, a friend of mine had that happen- she was waiting for the proposal, really excited and then she saw the ring and HATED it. Heirloom and all- it was absolutely NOT her style. It was a bit of an omen, because the weren't right for each other either and went through 3 bad years of marriage before splitting badly. I say- be honest." I love the sentiment, I love you, I love your family, I don't love the ring". If he's the right one, he'll understand and agree that it's okay to only wear it on family occasions, symbolically. BUT, don't expect another ring. That'd just be rude.

Thr ring my husband got me was ugly, I wore it for our engagement weekend and then told him that I didn't really care for it. He said ok and we returned it and picked another one out together. Granted it wasn't a family heirloom but I didn't like it, so he obliged and we got a new one. He didn't care, he just wanted me to be happy with the ring I would be wearing for the rest of our lives.

LOL, I know it's shallow chasingjamie...as shallow and as stupid as the question is in the first place!

I dont think the question is shallow OR stupid. I think it's realistic. I like these questions from DearSugar becuase it makes me think "what if" and so in the future if something like this happens, I'll have thought it through already, heard other opinions and will be able to react in a reasonable way instead of reacting purely by emotion.

Tho seriously... "pretending" to lose a family heirloom is really pathetic and shallow and i hope that if any woman does that.. she gets dumped immediately.

I'd say something. My boyfriend wants me to have what I want so he'd be okay with getting something else.

I think it's worse to pretend to like it for 50 years of marriage than to be honest. It's like starting off your marriage with a lie. I'd just be honest -- of course I want to marry you, but the ring isn't my style -- since the sentiment is there for the diamond, can we keep the stone, and have it reset with something more my taste? I don't see anything at all wrong with that -- it's like the best of both worlds. Using something of value from the past, but updating it to something I would actually like.

I don't think expressing your opinion makes you shallow... yes, if you value the ring more than the marriage, that might be one thing, but you are going to have to look at the ring every day. Now, if your husband were to say that he designed the ring specifically for you and he designed it because of some certain meaning, and then you said you hated it... yes, that would be bad to open your mouth and say you didn't like it. But maybe your husband doesn't even like the heirloom ring, and was using it because he had it, and would be happy to reset it in a style you like!

Try it out - you may find you like it after all. If not, maybe explain that the diamond is too high and catches on your clothes or hair, and ask for it to be adjusted. DO NOT FAKE LOSE IT - chances are his brother's/cousin's/whoever's fiancee would treasure such a special piece of family history and your fiance should pass it on to them.

I remember reading a book where the bride was pissed about her engagement ring since it was a square-cut emerald and not her style, plus her fiancee proposed in a movie theater. Well, the ring was an heirloom that had been held onto and passed down for generations, and the first place they had ever kissed was the theater. I think sometimes women get over-expectant about weddings and engagements - it's just as sentimental for most men, and a lot of them are trying their hardest to make it special too.

Once I knew it was a family heirloom, I'd cherish it and learn to love it. After all, he picked it out for me from among his grandmother's things... what's more romantic and beautiful than that? I'd get over myself.

Tell him you are incredibly moved that he would give you something so sentimental, but the ring is not your style and you want to make sure that the ring that represents your love and marriage is a reflection of YOU, not his grandmother.

OUCH a little harsh Ginger Snaps...just because the guy gets you a ring you don't like its the wrong guy?

I think I would still wear it. I think its the meaning behind the fact that he cared about me enough to give me a family heirloom would make me feel so special. Its pretty romantic I think.

I would wear it. Honeslty, most vintage rings are beautiful so I doubt you'd end up with an ugly ass one. I'd take vintage over most of the sh*t on the market these days.

Plus, if he went to the effort of getting his grandmother's ring, that would mean more to me than something store bought. Besides, tastes change and the sentiment behind the ring will be more important in the decades to come.

I think faking losing it is horrible ... I think I would try to convince him to see if the ring can be redesigned to better suit my taste. I think that involving him in the process (choosing together the designer, how to redesign it ...) and taking this seriously should show him that you care about the history of the ring and not just "I don't like it and I want another one".

Knowing me, I would probably accept the ring. Because of the sentiment behind it, I would grow to like it.

However, thankfully, I was not put in that position. Miraculously, my husband got me my dream ring. Truthfully, I never thought I would own that ring in my lifetime. I guess it was more of fantasy ring than a dream ring. It's from a classic high-end designer, and it's a limited piece. When he presented me with that ring (in my desired carat weight), I almost fell off my seat. LOL

GlowingMoon ....I think your husband deserves and A+ for the ring! My friend just got engaged and she gave her finance in Jan...a list of what she looking for in a ring..cut, clarity, carat (minimums) and clipped a picture of what she would want...lol he ended up proposing while on holiday in Peru in Sept with a gorgous 1.2 Carat solitare set in a Tiffany setting (but not from Tiffany) on white gold...Gorgeous

I would like to think that if this were to happen to me I would be so happy that his family liked me enough to be ok with me getting a family heirloom ring that it wouldnt matter what it looked like.

That being said- due to faulty manufacturing, I got a "do-over" with my rings- I went from a really trendy set with all the pave side stones (which we picked out together) to a simple 4 prong solitaire and bands on either side with channel set diamonds and sapphires- which I just love and am still staring at all the time over a year later

I would be open and honest. Perhaps telling him that although the ring is beautiful in its own right, it is just simply not your taste. Maybe a good option is to pick out a ring that you love with him and then save the heirloom for your first born son to give to his wife when they get engaged? It may not be your style, but it could be someone else's. That is of course looking far down the line but if children are in your future it might not be a bad idea. That way, the heirloom is sure to stick around for a long time!

"GlowingMoon ....I think your husband deserves and A+ for the ring!"

Thank you, and yes, he does. We've been married for several years. To this day, I still swoon when I look at my ring. My husband is very kind and generous.

Your friend's ring sounds pretty -- a real classic piece.

Normally, I would agree with the person who said "wrong ring, wrong guy". In this situation though, he is honoring a family tradition. I think comfronting the issue would really hurt him and could potentially cause major drama in the family. Even if you suggested buying another ring and keeping the heirloom in a safe place, dont you think his family would wonder where it was! I like the idea about finding a new setting or maybe it doesnt fit well, than you can make a necklace out of it or something and buy a nice band. I dont know sticky situation.

I would pretend to like it...then pout little by little that it hurts my finger or something until he suggests a trade in. Hopefully that would work, otherwise I'd be stuck with it.

You know, I didn't think I'd like a diamond solitaire until I got one for an engagement ring. Now I think my ring is absolutely perfect for me, and wouldn't trade it for any other ring on earth.

Maybe it's the sentiment of this being MY engagement ring that HE gave me, but there's no possible way I think anyone could absolutely hate the design of their ring forever. It grows on you.

wow "wrong ring, wrong guy"

thats incredibly shallow.

Has no one ever seen the count of monte cristo when he gives a peice of thread off her dress? And she never takes it off? That is so romantic. I wouldnt care what the ring looked like, as long as I knew I was truely in love with the person, and that he felt the same about me...that would be enough for me.

I don't understand how an engagement ring can be ugly. Engagement rings generally arent huge and gaudy like old people jewellery. But if I were in this situation, since it's an heirloom, I'd just accept it. If he bought something that was just absoloutly not my style, I'd be honest.

My engagement ring isn't my style at all. It's yellow gold, which I've always disliked and it's very old fashioned looking, but I absolutely love it. Every time I look at it I think of the night my husband proposed, and our entire life together. Oh, and the fact that his mom offered up her great grandmother's ring made me feel so great. I'm the fifth generation to wear it!

I still don't understand why men have to express their love with expensive jewelry.

To those who said "wrong ring, wrong guy" I am seriously having trouble understanding that.

I mean, if he was a wrong guy before he so selfishly gave you something that belonged to his family instead of going into debt getting some ridiculous looking ring, that you'll probably never wear because once it effs up your favorite sweater from pulling it...shouldn't you have already dumped him?

I mean, I'd be stoked on life if my guy proposed and gave me a ring pop...flavor/color would not matter.

well i think that there's something to be said about getting something that's been in the family for ages, but i think that maybe it's something to think about that maybe on an anniversary you can upgrade. my fiance knows that i LOVE my ring but that if we had more money i would like to get it reset with a pave set (i think that's how you spell it) where there are diamonds around the big stone. that's something that we've talked about doing in like 5-10 years...so maybe that's something that you can talk about doing in the future as well.

my mom barely upgraded her wedding ring...cost my dad a cool grand i think, they've been married...22 years I think...she doesn't even wear the damn thing. Neither of my parents wear their wedding rings now that I think about it.

I would probably be honest. I know that my boyfriend would want to know his money went to something that i loved and would want to wear. Not to say that i wouldnt want to wear something I didn't like and it's not about being selfish I just think in the long run your boyfriend would want to know that you absolutely love your ring and the money has not been wasted on something you don't like.

take the ring, accept his proposal, get married. Once all the dusts have settled, I would put this ring that has so much sentimental meanings in the safety deposit box, then use extra cash left from the wedding and buy yourself a nice ring together with husband.

wait hold up...family heirloom, grandma's ring! I read it too fast the first time...keep the ring. Wear it. My aunt has a ring made from her husbands mother's jewels from her blouse (I think that's right or dress maybe) and it is original and special. (they were members of the royal family in Burma in the early 1900's and that's their legacy so no way should you be shallow when it comes to legacy)
Like babysoftpink said...I'd wear it for awhile, then wear it on special occasions on my right ring finger.

As to the value...I'm going to consider his car. If he'll pay $40K for his car that probably won't last 20 years. Don't expect me to wear a ring less than that for the rest of my life... which may be for me another 64 years!!!
Otherwise, get me a cheaper ring and drive a $20K car. LOL

I would wear it proudly but alas, we don't do diamond engagement rings. It is not traditionally part of either of our cultures. The history of the diamond engagement ring isn't even a good one.

I think engagement rings are a huge waste of money & would be thrilled to receive a family heirloom.

I agree with javsmav. I think diamond engagement rings are unnecessary. I even told my boyfriend that I would prefer something colorful! Diamonds aren't even worth what they cost--they aren't as rare as DeBeers wants us to think! I would much rather we spend that money on a house than on a teeny-tiny stone.

Oops! I rambled on and forgot to answer the question!

I would just wear it! It has so much sentimental value, I would be honored! So what if it isn't my style? Styles change so quickly I'm sure it will be "in" one day! And then all my friends would be jealous!

I totally agree bluestar! Luckly for me the diamond fell out one day so I HAD to get a new ring but this time I was right there to choose the one I wanted. I tell ya, God works in mysterious ways! ha!

Fallen: "I dont think the question is shallow OR stupid. I think it's realistic. I like these questions from DearSugar becuase it makes me think "what if" and so in the future if something like this happens, I'll have thought it through already, heard other opinions and will be able to react in a reasonable way instead of reacting purely by emotion." Agreed.

Since I have now had the time to read this topic and think about it: This wouldn't happen to me, because I would discuss the topic with my bf/future husband ahead of time and tell him that I don't want any kind of heirloom ring, I want it to be about us, not his family...I'm not marrying his family.

You know, sometimes I think it would be a good idea to give every dearsugar post I've ever written to my bf, then he would know exactly what I think about everything! lol! No problems.

I don't even want a diamond ring. I hate the diamond industry and what it represents. How they have managed to convince people that diamonds are so necessary and must be given for an engagement is ridiculous (and an amazing feat).

If it was a family heirloom I would accept the ring. I don't care if it isn't my style. I have more important things to worry about.

Me and my boyfriend discussed engagement the other night and he said he believes the ring should be 3x monthly wage (as is traditional?) and I was like "THATS FREAKING INSANE" and he said "yes, but it's supposed to be a show of how much the other person is worth to you".

I didn't have anything to say to this at the time (apart from THATS INSANE) because I was drunk but then I got to pondering. How do you show somebody what they are worth? I thought well you can't really do it through a material item can you? I don't place much value on material items. He criticises me for eating jam and stuff across my MacBook but it's only a freaking computer. I could go buy another one tomorrow if it busted or get it fixed or whatever. I'll only use it for a couple of years so who cares? It's functional and that's where it ends!

Then I figured that I would tell him the next time we had an "engagement" discussion that I maintain that so much emphasis being placed on the cost of the ring is INSANE and that you show somebody what they are worth to you through your actions, not through material possessions. His monthly income is like £1600 so £1600x3 = The wedding paid for?!

If he picked me out a ring (an expensive one, as detailed in my little blahblahblah) and I hated it or he gave me a family heirloom that was UGLY then I would tell him. I would look at it and maybe try it on for size for a week or two but if I really wasn't feeling it then I would just tell him. I have a problem in that I do not typically wear jewellery so I have no idea what kind of ring he would buy me anyway. I would feel honoured to have anything he chose on my finger... a family heirloom less so.

Blahblahblah~

i guess it would depend on the type of person you are.....if you are know to just spout out your opinion no matter what, and your boyfriend knows that...what would be stopping you anyways....

but if you complain about the ring to much, you might make the man think he's not right for you when he really is.....sometimes its just best to just grin and bear it.

its not all about the ring....alot of people forget that...sure its great to show your family and friends, its about the man who gave it to you and its about the BOTH of you

if it would bother a person that bad, when you got married, just wear a wedding band a put the engagment ring away.

If the ring does bother you that much, and you can't be honest with him about it without fear of him getting so upset that he can't work through it. Then why did you say yes? There are going to be much more important things down the road than a ring that will have to be worked through together and you can't tell him the truth about how you feel about a ring. Maybe talk about a compromise, same stone different setting, or even a separate ring and keep that one to pass along to a child. There are many many ways of going about this, but lying about loving it is not one of them unless you're prepared to be happy about the thought he put into it and the thought his family invested in it.