Any ideas on what started his little weight-loss obsession? I mean, he obviously liked you just fine the way you were for 3 years. I agree with Dear's advice. You need to tallk to him and tell him what's up and maybe he'll open with you about why he's treating you like this.

this is possibly the worst thing i could hear a boyfriend, partner, s.o., anyone saying to someone else. your weight is your business so long as you're healthy. you've been through a rough time and your boyfriend obviously doesn't know how his words are effecting you. if he doesn't understand after you tell him this, dear is right - reevaluate how happy you are. personally, this would be all three strikes wrapped up in one and i'd walk away as soon as i could.

5'2 and 130 lbs is not fat!!! Honestly, if my boyfriend EVER said something like that too me, I would lose it. If someone truly loves you, they would not say those things. Unless it was an obvious health issue like obesity (which it is CLEARLY not) your bf better snap out of it or I would ditch him. And by the way, I hope your boyfriend looks like Brad Freakin Pitt to be saying stuff like that to you. I too had an eating disorder for a long time, and I thought that being super skinny was worth my mental and physical health. I now weigh 30 pounds more than I did at that point and have a fiancee that thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and that is how it should be. Please don't let this man say these things to you anymore, and stay healthy!!!

the best thing to do is be honest with him. tell him how you feel. make him realize he's hurting your feelings. i think communication here is very important. if he doesn't know how its affecting you, he's going to continue making those comments. you are obviously not fat and he needs to know that his comments are making you feel insecure. gosh...some men can be so insensitive!

You need to be honest with him about your eating disorder riddled past. Don't go back to "starving" yourself because you'll only end up destroying your metabolism and health for the sake of trying to keep your boyfriend appeased.

The other answer is that he is a jerk-off and you'd be better off with somebody who wasn't making comments like this to you. He should love you whatever you look like, not make comments which are going to hurt you.

aww i kno how u feel.. i went through the same stuff you're goin through.. but i think it's better if u tell ur bf the truth.. u guys have been together for so long & i think he'll understand u better & kno not to criticize u too much.. i had told my ex bout my disorder & he'd actually alwys push me to eat.. if ur bf is caring & sweet he will def understand & help u out any way possible.. & if ur comfortable w/ how u look then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks & u shud jus tell him that.. hope everything works out `=]

vEeEe `=P

I agree with Dear that it's not reasonable for you to expect him to understand how his comments bother you when you aren't clueing him in to your reality.

But, I disagree that a significant other has no right to talk to you about your weight. What if you were doing something else unhealthy like smoking - wouldn't you guys feel your SO should discourage it?

I think people have a right to want their SO to bring their best to the table, and I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing that. Now, if he were saying things like "You're a disgusting fat pig.", THAT would be hurtful.

And, if you ever suggest he wear different clothes, or suggest he get a haircut, or suggest he deal with a situation differently than he is, then he's not doing anything different than you already are.

I'm probably in the minority here.

Jen- I totally agree with you!

I think that if he really is your "best friend" then you should be able to talk to him about his comments.

Talk it out--- i am very sensitive about my body and would proably be on the floor crying if my bf said that too me, so i can imagine how you are feeling. This can't go on though. talk it out see whats happening and explain how you really feel if he loves you he'll back off

TINA!

if my boyfriend said that flat-out. I'd probably break it off with him. If my boyfriend can't accept me in my worst then he can't have me at my best. i know how you feel. but don't let these comments (i know they're harsh) get into you... Good luck.

Did you ever tell him to be more honest with you about your weight? I got mad at my man for always telling me I looked great when i knew I didn't. I told him to be honest with me, and now he's a little too honest sometimes....

I think your boyfriend has a right to say something. You know that he loves you, and it's not like he's saying malicious remarks like "you're fat, get off your ass" or anything like that. He seems to be concerned with your health and the added bonus is that you will look good, and feel good. I don't really know the whole story, but think about his side of the story too.
You should definitely talk to him about how its making you feel, but don't flip out on him or be too hard on him, because he seems to only have good intentions for you.

i agree with some of the above comments in that "should you be having dessert" is probably not as falt out hurtful and horrible as you think it is. i do understand it hurts you, believe me i do as i've gone through exactly the same thing, so your past makes you more sensitive to comments like that. but i think you both need a reality check: your boyfriend needs to know the truth about you and whether u like it or not your past history is still a part of the person you are today. AND, you need to work on getting that sensitivity back to a normal level.
as i said before, i had the same problem and just found a solution that works for me: you have to demystify FAT.
i dont know if you're still in college or not but imagine your boyfriend was criticizing you about your schoolwork ("shouldn't you be getting ready for that test? you're going to fail the course, i don't want to date a bimbo, etc.."). i'm sure you would find those comments much less hurtful yet they are essentially the same: a criticism towards an important area of your life (appearance/intelligence).
you need to tell your boyfriend to be more sensitive with the appearance comments as you are more sensitive to them, but you also need to dedramatize them for yourself. i guess i just want to say it's not only his problem, it's also yours.
after all things only hurt us when they hit a vulnerable spot: hard as it may be you need to toughen yours up.

i think you should talk to him, im sure he doesn't realize the damage hes causing you. If he doesn't know about your past, you should explain it to him. If he is as nurturing and honest and understanding as you say then it will be fine. He probably doesn't realize that hes being hurtful, or doesn't mean to be. Also good for you for overcoming your previous experience and dont let this discourage from continuing a healthy lifestyle.

DO NOT WALK --RUN! to the nearest exit. I dated a guy like this for a year and not only did it wreck my self-esteem and pretty much ruin about 3 future relationships, but I developed anorexia. Got down to 95 lbs and had to hospitalized for a month. Guess who never came to visit me in the hospital?

Don't be fooled, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. What he's saying to you is, "If you get fat, I won't love you anymore." Why would someone who loves you say such mean things to you? Why do you want to be with someone who only loves you if you change? Think about your future... what about when you get pregnant and gain 20-40 lbs? Will he monitor your eating habits then? And think about your children... do you really want your daughter to have a father who's always pointing out what she's doing wrong?

Forget talking about it.. move on! You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you, not for who they want you to be.

-the ceeg

If it is true love it would be unconditional. It took me a while to lose my weight after I had my kids, my husband NEVER
made one remark or changed the way he felt towards me that is
unconditional love to accept the one you love no matter what, it's all about what is on the inside not the outside. Sorry
but I feel when you really love someone you accept them for who they are not put them down or try & change them. Just my opinion.

Sugar is right, he may think he's being helpful, so make sure you make yourself known loud and clear. It isn't what he says, it's whether he loves you or not. If he loves you and you tell him he's hurting you, he won't want to hurt you, and will stop. If he doesn't stop, move on. The truth is a lot of men start acting like ***holes because they want to breakup but don't have the balls, so they arrange for you to do it instead. If it's gotten to that point, just leave. You deserve someone who loves you for you.

you need to lose about 150-170 lbs stat! once he is gone you will feel lighter than you can imagine re-read the first paragraph of your letter. is it really true anymore? i think not. somewhere he took a turn away from friendship.

I think he has no idea he's hurting you.

Honestly, try writing him a letter. An honest letter what says what you have been gone through. There is no way anyone can see you right through although sometimes we all wish for that. Be honest to him so that he can see himself from mirror too.

I honestly don't think he means to hurt you like that and you by no means need to get rid of him, but you do need to tell him asap and the comments will stop! My brother use to call me fat on the daily and tell me that I need to go to the gym and what not and I'm 5'4" at 130. After I told him how much it hurt me, he quit. They think of it as a way of motivation.

"You smell like a baby prostitute."

I'm 5'2" and 140...so you're not fat my dear! I think you're just at the right weight. Just eat healthy, work out and as long as you feel good, that's all that matters. Tell the boyfriend that he's hurting your feelings and that you don't need someone monitoring your eating habits, that you have it under control

Here's some perspective. One of my best friends has been married 3 years today. She was a size 0, he himself could be a size 2. So. She has had two kids and between kids she got back down to a size 3. Now she is a size 9. Before she got married her husband told her if she ever got fat he would leave her. And when they had kids, if the kids got fat he would make fun of them and tease them. So, now in her size 9 she is freaking out about her weight. She had an eating disorder. And it has caused her some minor heart problems but she doesn't have insurance and so doesn't go to doctor. I just hope everyone else realizes what an unhealthy thing that is. That type of relationship.
_________________________________________________________
Why don't you wear the face you have when I am not around?

i have a friend who's BF does the same to her. his father does it to his mom too. do you know what his parent's relationship is like? i think he's prob just trying to motivate you, but if you tell him you're happy the way you are and let him know what you've dealt with in the past, and then he still does it, then i'd prob move on.

to expand upon my previous comment, i believe there's a fine line between wanting to be helpful and being manipulative. you need to tell him about your past and see if his behaviour changes. if it doesn't, please move on - it's unhealthy and his love for you should never depend on how much you weigh.

Wow. His comments are pretty harsh. I'm sure in the three years that they've been together, he has gained weight and has changed too. Ir's really unnerving that someone who loves her can say such mean things to her.

I can't see how you can say he's your best friend, a best friend is someone who loves you and cares about you and for you. Maybe he is unhappy with his self image and just projecting it onto you.

If your closest friend(s) can say things to you like this, then who can. I am not commenting on the tactfullness, but the content of the comments. The question is really are you healthy? Muscle weighs more than fat, so you could actually be the same weight but be much less healthy and since fat is lighter than muscle you can weigh the same as before but look much heavier. I would suggest you do a fitness inventory and if you are fit and healthy at 130 lbs then he needs to love you just like you are, but if you are not then his comments might be warranted and he could be saving you a lot of heartache "literally".

Please just talk to him. He's being insensitive but it's not something you should just throw away a relationship over without even dicussing this with him first.

It's hard to judge what's going on, but it sounds like he's known you throughout your eating ups and downs. So if he knew that weighing 160 caused you to flip out and become anoerexic, maybe he's concerned that if you gain more weight back, that you'll have the same response.

It's also possible he was more attracted to you when you were thinner and wants to encourage you to eat healthily and exercise to keep your weight down. If that makes you uncomfortable because of your history of eating disorders, then you will need to tell him that he just needs to lay off the comments. He either will, or he won't and then you'll have your answer.

Could be worse.

I had a boyfriend who was so unconcerned about weight and stuff that I ballooned up to 150 pounds while we were dating. Now that we've split up, I'm down to a relatively normal 135.

I think the key is to have the right mindset. The goal is not to be skinny, but to be healthy. I'm working out and eating right; if I continue to lose weight, that's great. If I don't, that's fine because I know I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. If my body likes being this size, even with all the eating right and exercising, then this is the size I'm supposed to be.

I don't necessarily think that he's trying to imply that you're fat; I think he loves you enough to want you to have a healthy lifestyle. Boys are notoriously thick-headed when it comes to hurting a girl's feelings. They're not as sensitive as we are about weight or eating/exercising habits. He's probably just making passing comments.

But that's why they need us. They need us to teach them how to be sensitive and considerate; to think about how what they say and do impacts others.

On the other hand, we need to meet them halfway. If you know that he loves you, trust that he would never try to deliberately hurt you or manipulate you into being skinny, and try not to be oversensitive to his comments.

If his comments DO motivate you to a healthier lifestyle, that's great. If your lifestyle is already healthy, don't let his idle comments derail your resolve!

Ultimately, know that you have to do what's best for your body and if he continues being insensitive, even after you talk to him seriously about how his comments affect you, maybe it's time to rethink how mutually beneficial your relationship is.

Best of luck!!

The boy is not a mind reader, you have to let him know how you feel, and about your past. I hope he'd support a healthy lifestyle as opposed to you starving yourself because he wants you to lose a few pounds. You are clearly no where close to being overweight! If he wants you to be a twig, then drop him! You sound like a very strong and intelligent woman. Best of luck to you dear!

"Party like a rock star, pound like a porn star, play like an all star!"

If he really is as wonderful as you say he is, he probably didn't mean any harm with those comments. He may have been tactless, but I don't think what he said was meant to make you feel bad. If you were 100 lbs. when you met, he probably just sees a weight gain of 30 lbs in his gf. He doesn't know about your ED past, so I would think he would lay off the weight comments if he did. If you tell him and he continues to make comments like that, it may be time to walk. But it's unfair to put too much blame on his behaviour now when he knows nothing about your past issues with food. Honestly, if my bf said something like, "Weren't you going to go to the gym?" I would interpret it as plain curiosity instead of something negative about the way he views my body.

I think it's completely uncomparable to say it's similar to schoolwork or anything of that sort. EVERYONE knows how loaded weight comments are in society and the role that it plays. To me, the only comparable thing would be to compare to penis size. Sure if you've made several comments about weight like (i should be eating less or i need to go to the gym) then it sounds like he's being nothing but supportive. If it's completely out of the blue, then yes, i think it is uncalled for. Just because he's your boyfriend doesn't mean it's his place to comment on that. I'm 5'2 and 140 like one of the posters above and my boyfriend can't stop raving about how much he loves me and the shape I am. Of course I go to the gym and would like to be thinner but the important thing is that he loves me at no matter what size I am. if i said to him 'argh i need to go to the gym tonight and i don't want to' of course he'll say 'you should go!' because he knows i need to hear it. So I do think it depends on that personal dynamic but out of the blue, it is uncalled for and like a poster said above, i would RUN not walk to the hills. If he doesn't like it, he can find someone else.

Uh, penis size isn't a fair comparison either. It's not like a girl can say: Honey, your penis was 30% larger when we first met, and now you are letting yourself go! Stop sitting around so much and go use the Swedish Penis Enlarger! (It's not mine, baby, I swear!)

It's true that comments about weight can be loaded statements, but not all girls are the same. Where one girl might feel like she had to lose weight to please a man and end up anoerexic and in the hospital, another girl would tell him to eff off and not worry about it. Guys can't always tell the difference.

Men haven't always been the most sensitive creatures on earth.

hmmmmm.....i'm 5'5 and 140lbs now but during early college i used to be 128lb avg and then dated my baby and ballooned to a whopping 154lbs after 3 years (we're 3y 7mo)! one day he looked at me concerned and his sweet concerned voice goes "babyy..where did your chin go??" and i was like "WHA?!?" but he was right! i was unhealthy, my cholesterol was high and i was letting myself go. I've lost 14lbs and i'm planning to try to get down to 135 soon (i'm eating way healthier), i'm glad he helps me out with "no dessert, baby! you've worked too hard to go back", to me that's really supportive bc i've been dealing with "i'm fat issues". I dunno, sometimes i mind it, sometimes i don't. but if i'm whining about being chubby i guess i deserve it bc i want to make a change. i'm glad he loves me for who/what i am, sometimes he holds me rubs my tummy after i eat and goes "what's this?" but he continues to hold me and smile.

so you have to take it whatever way you want to. if you've been complaining about your image maybe he's trying to help you? but if you don't think he's helping you in anyway then maybe you'll just need to talk to him

I wasn't saying you could improve penis size, it is comparable in terms of societal expectations and that it's something that a lot of guys are sensitive about. Obviously you can't change it. But if a girl made offhand comments like 'oh i wish you were bigger' i'm sure it would affect a guy.

And we don't know all the particulars of the situation and the guy and i agree they should discuss it.

never talk about his penis like that! that's something he can't change, our weight maybe but penis size, no. unless the penis pump works? lmao

if anything you can say "hey, why don't you have abs? i mean if you work out a little you could easily get some abs and more muscle"

he's being mean to u. no need to take that. what's his reason? ur health or ur look?
my future hubby is on the overweight side, i tell him to lose weight for health sakes, but honestly i prefer him the way he is. he's the big strong type.
reading ur story makes me grateful for my man, he just tells me to eat more and more, and that i need to gain weight, and he even pissed off if i try to lose weight. he likes healthy fat (not unhealthy) on a girl. just get urself one of these men and ur weight problem is solved. i hate it when guys bug u about ur weight, its not like we girls dont have enough beauty issues and pressures and criticisms.

I am 5'7 and when I got up to 135!!! my ex started making those kinds of comments. His were because he's an insecure a-hole and continually put me down so I wouldn't figure out I could do so much better than him. Well guess what ... I figured it out anyway. I hope this isn't the kind of situation you have. My ex was also "great at helping me with everything (like guys do)" to make me feel helpless without him. Just want you to really evaluate the situation.

i think hes being out of order, no one deserves comments like that, hwd u think he would like it? by the sounds of it ur a pretty strong person getting through ur tough time of the eating disorder, u should b really proud, and know that uve been through that part of ur life and never have to go through it again, url b fab. if u talk to him calmly about it and explain about ur past problems, if he loves and understands u he will stop, if he dosnt mayb he dosnt have to be in ur life and u can move on from him too. do what ever will really make u happy, because u want a happy life right? u can always still b friends even if ur not happy with eachother as a couple.

drop'em
in the end you need someone who loves you no matter what and will see you through your child bearing years
drop'em

I totally agree with DearSugar.

I thing,that he is not too good frend as you mean,because good freands don´t do things like this.He hurts you and I mean he knows about it.Right frend enjoy life with me and when I ask him if I need to lose some kilos,he answer mi honestly,BUT he doesn´t remind me that in every situation.Did he note you suffer from this??Try to talk with him!and don´t be a sad!Life is too short and belive me you perfect and if he doesn´t see it he doesn´t deserve you:-)

He's a bit callous and you two need to have a chat about sensitivity. Other than that, I don't think your bf being concerned over your health is a terrible thing.

My fiance prompts me to go to the gym, reminds me to eat, tells me when I'm ordering out too often and it's only because he knows how it'll make me feel if I let myself go. I'd be miserable and depressed if I put on weight and everyone knows being depressed doesn't help you maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Get rid of him! He wants a trophey, not a girlfriend! If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't give a stuff what you looked like. I am really angry over this! I am not a thin girl, but I think i am beautiful anyway. I don't give a sh*t what people think of me. People should love you for your heart and soul, not how good you look hanging off their arm! I have been a strict vegetarian since 1984, and people automaticly think I should look like a stick. It may sound drastic, but if he doesn't love you the way you are...find a man that will!!!

okay...I'm 5'4 and 115 pounds. Am I fat? People, please tell the truth!!!

Drama queen, you are living up to your moniker. You know you aren't fat, but apparently you want people who can't even see you to confirm it. So I will oblige. 115 is a healthy weight for 5'4" and so no matter how you carry it, I'm sure you aren't fat.

My boyfriend says the same comments - almost to the letter, but thats my own fault because I complain about my weight. You seem happy with yours, so i assume do not complain. if so he shouldnt be making comments.

Just tell him you dont want a personal trainer - just a loving boyfriend!

If you were overweight, obese or unhappy about your weight, I would agree with the above saying that he has a right to comment in a sensitive way. HOWEVER, you seem very happy with where you are, and 5'2" and 130lbs is a healthy weight! Not overweight. Healthy. His comments are purely about vanity and how you look to him, not your well being. Therefore, he's an *sshole. Period.

There's a French movie about the exact same thing. A girl who'd had an eating disorder, gets herself healthy again, meets a guy who then preys on that side of her; tells her she's fat. She wants to please him and gets thinner and thinner. It's just manipulative, controlling and dangerous. You need to get rid of this guy for your own good health.