Dear Sugar,
I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend while I was recovering from a long-term eating disorder. I never really went into detail with him, but I did tell him I was gaining weight to be healthier. I went from 80 pounds at five feet, one inch at the very beginning of our relationship to 92 pounds now. He never said anything negative about the gain — he actually said I was looking better. But earlier this week, we were in the shower together and he told me I would look better if I lost a couple of pounds.
I was incredibly hurt and could hardly speak to him for a while. I eventually explained my situation and told him that losing weight would be dangerous to my health (I gave myself a heart condition). He took what he said back and told me not to lose any weight and told me that he loves me the way I am, but I can't help but realize he's just putting aside his initial reaction to make sure I don't hurt myself. How do I handle this? — Healthy Weight Heidi
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Dear Healthy Weight Heidi,
Let me first say that you're doing the right thing for your body by gaining the weight and living a healthier lifestyle — I don't need to tell you how much long-term damage you could do by succumbing to an eating disorder. I also commend you for being honest with your boyfriend. I know it must have been hard to open up about such a personal issue.
With that said, I think the only way to move on from your boyfriend's statement is to talk it out with someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, confide in a girlfriend, your family, or a therapist. Confidence plays a huge role in eating disorders so it's important not to let him make you feel insecure — I'm sure you look amazing just the way you are!
We all say things we don't mean sometimes and I know the damage has already been done, but if you hold on to his hurtful words, it'll just make things worse. Decide if you want to forgive him, and talk about your concerns with your loved ones. An eating disorder won't go away overnight, so lean on your loved ones for support and keep well.
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wow. just wow. I'd break up with a guy if he said that to me. First, he knew about your ED (or at least that you were trying to gain weight)--why anyone would make a comment like that to someone recovering from an ED is beyond me. Second, you are still underweight. You need to gain 5 more pounds to even have a BMI in the healthy range. There are circumstances where a boyfriend express concern about his girlfriend's weight, but telling someone who is underweight to lose a couple pounds is unacceptable.
Congrats on your weight gain though! Recovering from an ED is really hard & you should be proud of your accomplishments. Please don't let this jerk derail your recovery.
1Wow, he is more shallow than you could have imagined. If the guy knew of your ED beforehand, or even if he didnt, he has no right to tell you what you should do with your body. I agree with Javsmav, be proud of your accomplishments. Losing/Gaining weight is the hardest thing for a woman in this shallow world.
I wish you all the best and I hope you meet someone who loves you for who you are and not what you can be for them.
2Wait, I am confused, Did you or did you NOT tell hm you had an ED?
"I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend while I was recovering from a long-term eating disorder. I never really went into detail with him, but I did tell him I was gaining weight to be healthier."
Maybe you should have been completely honest with him in the first place. I'm not trying to be insensitive AT ALL I'm just saying if he didn't know what you meant, then he can't read minds. He didn't know how deeply is comment would affect you. "I'm gaining weight to be healthier" is sort of open ended...if I were him I would have questioned that comment when you said it. "Why? Are you unhealthy?" If he never mentioned/noticed how skinny you were then he may not have understood what you meant by that.
They are men. They don't think the same way we do. Don't give them too much credit
3what an idiot. not you- the manchild you're dating.
if you're recovered you shouldn't be freaking out about it esp if you feel good and healthy, which is the most important thing in life if you want to one day bare children and well..have a PULSE.
he's a GUY. what is he comparing you to? the porn stars he's whacking to when you're at work? probably...that or he's a pedophile.
i mean you're still really small for christ sakes...he should still be able to bench you if he's a real man (at your height/weight).tell him that and give him a challenge and bust up his ego a bit.
what does he want? a 13 yr old boy's figure? tell him to swing by your local middle school to pick up a new partner. what a dumbass.
492 pounds and he thinks you could "lose a couple"??????? WTF?!!!?!?!?!
5I'm a little confused as to how anybody could tell somebody of your proportions (which are similar to mine, BTW) that they could stand to lose a few pounds. I think perhaps your boyfriend has some unrealistic expectations or some control issues.
6wow.... even when i gained the dreaded freshmen 15, my boyfriend didn't say anything about it. i lost it and he still didn't say anything except you look great now, but you looked great then....
unless you need to lose a SIGNIFICANT SIGNIFICANT amount of weight, no compassionate partner would mention u should drop a few pounds. even if you didn't have an ED, it shouldn't have been mentioned.
wow, i have no advice.. just shock.
7Tell him he would look better if he gained a couple of 'inches' (not pounds)
8tell him to bite the curb and find someone that will love you for who you are. 92 pounds is tiny. 80 is emaciated and deathly ill and he should be happy you are finally healthy and happy. these losers that talk down to you and judge you are the kind of guys that need to control and manipulate and put you down to make themselves feel good. if you continue to put up with it you will start to get low self esteem and can even relapse. ditch the guy and continue doing what you're doing to stay healthy.
9Even if she didn't straight out tell him that she had an eating disorder I think hearing your girlfriend say 'I need to gain weight to be healthier' is a clue that you either (a) find out why she needs to gain more weight, what the problems are, or (b) keep your comments to yourself.
I agree with sugar about talking it out with someone even if it's not him.
10Okay, look - it's nearly unforgiveable for a boyfriend to say things like that AT ALL (unless, of course, your health is in jeopardy because of unhealthy habits...). But the fact that he cares more about how you look than your mental and physical HEALTH?? No. I'll be honest - I have an anorexic sister and I've struggled with eating issues myself, and the Number One thing you have to be careful about is negativity. I'd break up with the guy and not look back. Absolutely dangerous for you.
11You should probably leave him, he's not there to help you get better. Surround yourself with people who have your best interest in mind.
12Sometimes dudes can just be asshats. I'm not sure if he's genuinely a douche or perhaps just a bit misguided and his mouth ran away with him, but I can understand how the comment would hurt you. I, for one, wouldn't be able to bounce back from a comment like that very easily - regardless of who said it to me.
13I dated a guy who used to stress me out on purpose because it throws me back into an anorexic state... I lost about 150 pounds.
14HIM.
Get healthy and love yourself, do the best you can. After all, can't hold you if you die. OK.
Be well
Lets forget entirely about you ED and his comment. What if he looked at you in the shower and said "you would look better with bigger boobs?" or "you would look better with red hair" or "you would look better with straighter teeth."
I would really hope you would say something along the lines of "And you would look better single."
This isn't about your ED. This is about his lack of respect/a filter/boundaries. And I am going to make a leap that this isn't the only hurtful thing he has said to you.
I don't know you, but I know this: you deserve better.
15I would have fired back "and you would look better with a couple of inches"
Leave him now, if he knows about your ED, and he makes a comment like that? he doesnt understand or care about you at all.
We all know, those of us who live with an ED, that one tiny comment like that? can set us back millenia, and we cant risk that.
Find someone who cherishs you and your health.
16All I can say is talk with loved ones as Dear said and continue to talk it out with your guy. Seriously, I'd talk about it with him while a family member/close girlfriend was present. Your loved ones have been there from the beginning and care about you so they would get to the bottom of the situation from angles you might not see or want to see. Recovering from an ED is serious and my dear, if he can't handle being honest about your weight then he has to go. You need someone who will cheer you on as you continue to take care of yourself which BTW you are doing wonderfully!!! Besides, if he wants to talk about your shape, let's talk about his. He needs to be a bodybuilder to be talking about you need to lose a few pounds.
17I will say thank you for sharing your story. I hope people realize that thin women also receive comments about our weight whether it's a "lose weight" comment or "gain weight" comment. It all hurts.
I would seriously dump him. He has some serious issues if he thinks you need to loose a few pounds when you weigh 92 lbs. You need to find someone who loves you for you. 92 lbs. is by no means fat, chunky, or overweight. You are actually underweight. Is he in perfect condition? Really, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. A loving man wouldn't even mention it!
18Do you really want to date a guy who wants you (deep down, even if he won't push it) to make part of yourself disappear? This is why I hate that our culture encourages so many EDs--it's essentially misogynist. Even if he never says it again, you'll probably alays be worried that he's thinking it. Kick him to the curb.
19The only point I might add to all of the other comments is how he chose to respond when you told him his comments about your weight upset you.
You wrote, "I can't help but realize he's just putting aside his initial reaction to make sure I don't hurt myself." Maybe he does prefer a certain body type right now and who knows how his ideas of beauty will change or how your body will change. I think what's important is that he put your well being above his opinion of your appearance. Maybe think about a time where he didn’t look that great and it didn’t matter to you at all.
As long as he's sincere in his ranking of what's important, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
20Oh please. He said "a couple of pounds" - he didn't call her a fat b*tch or told her he wasn't attracted to her anymore! My boyfriend says that kind of stuff to me all the time, and me to him. That's what you do when you're in a relationship - you keep each other in check, and you know it's said with love, so you look at yourself and go "damn, I guess I did gain a couple of pounds!" and you don't get all self-righteous.
Certainly the OP's weight is fine, but maybe she gained a little roll of fat on her butt or hips because when you gain weight back fast it doesn't always distribute evenly, and that's probably what her guy was talking about. No need to stress it - he's a guy, therefore an idiot who put his foot in his mouth and forgot you need to be sensitive when you talk to a girl about her weight. My guy is a total ass about it, yet he doesn't have a mean bone in his body and loves me just the way I am, so I give him a break when "honey, your ass looks bigger" spurts out of his mouth. Usually, he's right, and I go work out a bit, or tone down the cream for a few days.
No need to burn that poor guy at the stake. He's just a moron, but certainly not evil, or only in the relationship for her looks. That's just extreme.
21Dump him.
22I'm with Misterpinknotip, dump him!
23"i mean you're still really small for christ sakes...he should still be able to bench you if he's a real man (at your height/weight).tell him that and give him a challenge and bust up his ego a bit." Hahahahhah!!! Agreed!!!!
LOL at austerity too!!!
Ok, first, I am confused as to whether he actually ever learned about your eating disorder? I think as far as he knows right now, he just thinks you have a heart condition right? So you can't really blame him for not being sensitive about the issue if he didn't even know what is truly going on. So I think he at least deserves to know what is going on, he could even help and support you if he knew. Normally, I don't think this would be an issue to dump a guy over, b/c he was just being an idiot guy that didn't think. But in your case, if he still acts like that even once he does know about the eating disorder, then yeah, you should dump him. Because you need people to help you right now, not drag you down...and he doesn't seem to be one of them. But again, he should get the chance to know what is really going on...
24Not only did he say "(you) would look better if (you) lost a couple of pounds" to a teensy tiny woman with self-esteem issues, he said it to her IN THE SHOWER! While she's naked and vulnerable!! What kind of a$$hole boyfriend does that?
My man is totally welcome to tell me I should hit the gym but if he ever told me that while I was standing there naked I would stab him in the eye. There's a time and a place for everything and I think this is the time and the place that you should DTMFA!! (Dump The MuthaFu*ka Already!!)
25"Do you really want to date a guy who wants you (deep down, even if he won't push it) to make part of yourself disappear? This is why I hate that our culture encourages so many EDs--it's essentially misogynist. Even if he never says it again, you'll probably alays be worried that he's thinking it. Kick him to the curb."
I also agree very very much. He might not say anything again but you are going to worry...b/c he's told you what he thinks.
26Wow. I wouldn't be able to get over a comment like that. Even if a girl is chubby, a man should never say to her (especially in that situation) that she could lose a couple. Maybe if you were obese and needed to lose weight for health reasons, but since this is the TOTAL opposite, wow. I would just remind him that you're TRYING to gain weight, not letting yourself go, and honestly I would probably have to break up with him. Eating disorders are serious and being around positive people is really important when recovering. If you're able to talk it out with him and get over it then thats fantastic:)! I just dont think I would be able to, personally.
27karlotta--she doesn't have a roll of fat anywhere. she is UNDERWEIGHT. Kidding around about sensitive things is fine, but NOT when one person is sick. Being a guy is not an excuse. I've dated plenty of genuinely nice guys who would never dream of saying anything like that what the OP's boyfriend said. Not all guys are idiot. Just the ones not worth dating.
28Wow, karlotta, I completely disagree with you. It is one thing to comment about a loved ones weight gain if they are having associated health problems because of it...then you try to help them get healthier because you love them. It is no different than helping a love one overcome their eating disorder by encouraging them to eat healthy and gain weight.
However, having some clod comment on her weight gain when she weighs less than my dog, and he knows she has an eating problem is beyond insensitive. I agree with Caterpillargirl...comments like that to a person with her disorder could put her back to unhealthy eating habits. People DIE from this disorder, you know.
Also, just because you don't mind being with a guy who makes comments about your weight doesn't mean this girl should put up with it, ESPECIALLY given her medical problems with her eating disorder. She is more vulnerable than you are right now.
Just curious..if your boyfriend doesn't have a mean bone in his body and loves you for who you are, why does he make comments about your weight? It obviously bothers you, or you wouldn't call him an ass about it. Personally, it doesn't sound like you like it any better than the OP...Just sayin'.
BTW, I also disagree with you that her weight is "fine". 92 pounds? You have got to be kidding me. Unless of course she is 4'8".
29And seriously, a guy that sees you going from 80 lbs to 92 lbs and tells you that you could lose some weight? Are you serious? Who is this guy? Spencer Pratt? He sounds like he wants a barbie doll, not a HEALTHY girlfriend and a healthy relationship!!!
30DTMFA.
31I'm getting tired of all the women who write in about their horrible boyfriends, wanting advice. They make us women look weak and feeble. There is an across-the-board answer for all of them: BREAK UP WITH THE JERK.
32Everyone here seems to assume that he knew she had an ED. She says she didn't get into specifics - that says, to me, that he didn't know. Was it a dick thing to say? Absolutely. Should she break up with him? In my opinion, yes, or she would live with this concern for the duration of the relationship. Should we collectively crucify this guy for making a comment about weight to a girl with an ED, as it seems like almost everyone here is doing? No, because as far as this question indicates, he didn't know about her ED. I don't get the knee jerk reaction here, to be honest.
33Think only guys who have the perfect body has the right to criticize, since it is not mentioned in the article if he has six pack in his abs or can swim to win the Olympic. My take is he is just on the same level as you, therefore, he has no right to comment on anyone's body.
Responding to sugasuga29, i think relationship requires working and it is not easy. Essentially you have to train a guy how to treat you. At work, I have seen an intelligent man who knows nothing of what woman think and small things tells me that after 15 years of being with a woman, he has improved. For example, before being married to her, he would just not say a word when a woman has a piece of food stuck on her teeth. Now, he was told by his wife that it is embarrassing for a woman to walk around not knowing this so now he tells his woman friends and colleagues if he sees that they have food stuck on their teeth. Sometimes guys do not intend to hurt but their perspective is so different than ours that it takes time to communicate with one another to get to a point where both parties are comfortable with one another.
To be in a relationship means that you actually have to be vulnerable in front of another person. I think it is very difficult to have a relationship with another person without being vulnerable (trust = telling the truth = telling the truth = unmasking yourself = unmasking means vulnerability to some)
34What a douche bag! Dump that loser. I am sure you look great and you would look even better with a couple more pounds on you. Please don't lose weight because of him.
35Whether he knew about your eating disorder in the begining or not is irrelevant. The fact is you way 92 lbs and he's telling you to loose weight. That is absolutley absurd, even if he didnt know about your eating disorder. If I were you, I would take this time to really think about the person that Im with and if its really a healthy relationship or not. If you are recovering from an eating disorder I cant imagine that it will ever be easy for you to be with someone who you think thinks you're fat. Knowing that you've had a history of body issues and all the other issues that usually come along with those types of things, I say this is something that you wont easily forget and it will probably always be in the back of your mind, even if he did "take it back". And I think that will probably lead to more serious problems in the relationship.
36I agree that continuing with this relationship could be hazardous to your health and emotional well-being. However, if you hadn't been upfront with him at first about your ED, it is great he is trying to be supportive now. I hate to be devil's advocate, but 12lbs on a small frame is noticeable. Which is good because you need the weight to be healthy, but I'm sure you look different than when he first met you. When in a relationship and one partner changes physical appearance radically, it can take awhile to adjust because the person doesn't look like the person you fell in love with in the beginning of a relationship. It can be true in an opposite situation where one partner lost a lot of weight rapidly. At the end of the day only you know whether he is being sincere and supportive or will be harmful to your continuous recovery.
37FIRST OF ALL! You are under 100 lbs and 5'1. It is not like you went from under weight and 80lbs to friking 150 lbs. So please don't go back to having an eating disorder again! It is not significant weight gain. You are now at a healthier weight. It is a good thing.
DTMFA....haha Bella that is a new one
And while I agree to a degree with Karlotta..I also think that is not unhealthy weight gain...I would only say something or expect my bf to say somethign to me if it was unhealthy. But I am not sure I agree with everyone that she sould dump him. I am a little conflicted. You I don't think he intended to hurt her...it could be him being a thick headed guy.
If he didn't know you had an eating disorder before his behaviour is still not really cool with me..so I NOW agree with everyone else. Honestly what kind of man thinks that is fat anyways? Personally I don't date insensitive idiots....I date the ones who have been pre-trained by their mom's or previous gfs. By that I mean that sure there are some things my bf and I work on together since it is TWO people coming together...but if he is so insensitive as to say that sh*t to be in the shower...I am done.
You DESERVE BETTER!
38Ask yourself if you could imagine going through a healthy pregnancy with this man?
Hell no.
My ex-hus used to call me fat. I was. I gained weight on purpose to make myself less attractive to him. (he was abusive)
We got divorced, I lost the weight and then some... I found it too. He's wearing it on his belly and ass.
BTW...my son weighs 89lbs. He's an 11yr old football player with a 23in waist. and getting close to 5ft tall. You need nutrition counseling ASAP. He doesn't sound supportive.
39this just in: karlotta's boyfriend and the guy in this post - both giant a-holes!
40I agree Fallen85...
41Someone who really cares about you (bf, gf, bff, fam, etc.) should care that you are HAPPY and HEALTHY! Focus on those two things and if he wants someone who isn't happy or healthy, he can find someone else. And BTW, about 99% of the population would NEVER think you should lose ANY weight, this was just an unlucky encounter with the 1% of the population that feels this way.
42WOW... you're boyfriends a f*cking idiot. sorry. but 5'1" and 92lbs sounds like you NEED to be eating a thanksgiving feast everynight to me. what a jerk I bet you look just fine.
43I agree with whoever coined this fantastic acronym--DTMFA!!!
Trust me, there are PLENTY of men out there who care about and support their women through tough times, and who are truly attracted to them as people and not just based on appearance. Sounds like your relationship isn't like that.
I'm speaking from experience. Earlier this year I was unwell and gained 10-15 lbs as I spent some time in the hospital and at home recovering. I was a size 0 before, so it was a big difference and very noticeable. My boyfriend stood by me and supported me the whole time, never once saying a word about my weight. I actually mentioned my gain to him once and he told me he "hadn't noticed." I've since lost the weight, and he hasn't said a word about that either. It really matters to me that he doesn't focus on my weight and appearance. Both his words and actions show that he loves me for who I am and a few lbs either way don't change it. That's the kind of love that everyone deserves.
44sugasuga that was harsh, dont cha think?
45sugasuga, it's not that simple. When you really love someone and you've grown used to having them in your life, it's not that easy to just think "Dump him!" And it's especially tough when you are suffering from something like an eating disorder, where you need the support of others in your life and your self esteem and spirits might be a little low. Have some sensitivity. We are all weak sometimes.
46YOU ARE 92 LBS. HE IS INSANE.
I'm about your height and 99 lbs, and mine tells me to be careful not to get too thin. You don't need someone telling you that you're overweight when you are a) the opposite, and b) clearly struggling with weight-related issues anyway. My God.
47DTMFA means Dump The Mother F*cker Already and was coined by Dan Savage in his weekly column called Savage Love. You can read it at www.thestranger.com/savagelove
It's like... the BEST sex column EVER. I loooove me some Dan Savage and he comes up with the best acronyms! DTMFA!
48Good for you for not going back to the ED after his insensitive comment! I'm sorry he told you to lose weight. Such a hurtful thing to say, whether you are recovering from an ED or not. Like others are asking, I'm wondering if you actually sat him down and told him that you had/are recovering from an ED. It depends on how much you love this guy. Maybe seeing a therapist is the way to go if you think this guy is the one. If he's not, I'd still go to a therapist or a counselor because his comment might continue to bother you further.
49at 92 lbs you shouldn't be losing any weight. it sounds like you were recovering well before this. i say you put it out of your mind and worry about taking care of yourself before worrying about what any body else thinks about YOUR body.
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