Earlier this week I came across an article from The Huffington Post examining why men cheat. Referencing a recent Oprah that showcased Dr. M. Gary Neuman and his book, The Truth About Cheating, and citing Neuman's research that cheating isn't always about sex, the article determined that cheating for men is a result of feeling unappreciated at home.
Though my own thoughts on this are still undecided, I couldn't help but think of it yesterday when clips from Peter Cook's interview with Barbara Walters were released. Cook and Brinkley went through a bitter divorce in which Brinkley publicly exposed Cook's affair with an 18-year-old, and it seems as though he's looking to explain himself. According to Us Magazine:
Asked what he wanted out of his marriage, Cook tells Walters, "a little acknowledgment, a little attention, a little thank you every now and then for my efforts . . ."
Cook seems to echo The Huffington Post article and Dr. Neuman's sentiments about lack of appreciation rather than a sexual need being the reason to stray. But I'm not convinced just yet. I also think this argument is problematic since it puts blame on the person who didn't cheat. But I want to hear from all of you. Why do you think people cheat? If you've been cheated on or have cheated on someone else, does the notion of appreciation ring true?
Hussein Chalayan
Herve Leger
Manoush
I cheated because at the time (its a long long story) I was feeling unnappreciated, used, and in search of an "out" . we ended up working through it and we just had our 8th anniversary but it was a hard road to get to where we are today.
It wasnt about sex at all. it was about feeling important again and maybe finding a glimmer of hope no matter how much we were fooling ourselves.
1that should be the million dollar question...why do people cheat? I have some experience with this, unfortunately. I have found through research and counseling that people usually cheat because something inside them is "broken". They have self esteem issues and some are utterly selfish human beings. If they believe their needs aren't being met in their relationship they stray. It can be sexual or emotional. Not all people are like this, of course. And some of the most unlikely people can end up cheating. The heart and mind can be truly baffling to me. In my own case, appreciation had absolutely nothing to do with why he cheated. And the betrayed spouse MUST realize they are not the cause of the infidelity....they did not make the choice to cheat...their spouse made that choice instead of communicating their feelings with their spouse and maybe saving themselves from a very ugly and painful situation. Its all about communication.
2yea sometimes ( I will bravely admit I a reformed cheater)! But it was long long ago..high school and college days dont really count do they? lol..ok I do think sometimes when you feel unappreciated you tend to look for it elsewhere..but its really not fair to blame the cheating on the victim here, and that is exactly what Brinkley's ex is doing by saying that. If he felt that way he shouldve gotten out of the situation before it escalated to a cheating point..they were married after all and adultery is never right
3I had no self esteem issues what so ever.
Didnt Peter say he felt like he was married to his sister?
4i dont think cheaters are utterly selfish..I mean that is generalizing things too much.. some people take joy in it and have no consideration for peoples feelings but its really hard on some people cheating on their spouses..i mean its not all about getting it on either..every situation is different
5oo fairy..just read the rest of ur post where u said not all of them are like that..
my bad
6I think Bill Clinton says it best. Because they can!
7Tough Topic, but here are a few stabs:
Relationship is over but couples hang on for whatever reason..afraid to be single, family reason, kids, finance, whatever...but then some one else takes an interest and bam...
Boredom?
Midlife Crisis? Oh my god I am really with YOU the rest of my life? Am I still attractive?
8marni7, no problem. I didn't take offense at all.
9they cheat because they have no self control. because it easier to say "she doesn't appreciate me" to a stranger than to take responsibility for the failings in their relationships. they cheat because they think they're "entitled" and because they don't think they will get caught.
cook sounds like a jerk. he needs to stop trying to convince people that he was the wronged party in their mariage. frankly, the way he blames the issues ALL on his ex he comes off like he has a personality disorder. and i feel bad for their children. this is between the adults and the court battle is over.
10Selfishness, greed and fear of consequences. I've never cheated even when I hated my ex-husband. Neither did he to my knowledge. I can't answer for him, but I didn't because it didn't occur to me. I was concentrating on fixing my problems not adding another. I've been cheated on and it was always selfishness, greed and fear of consequences ('if I tell you I'm into someone else you'll leave') which goes right back to selfishness. It's devastating regardless.
11I can only speak for myself really, who knows why people cheat.
12I listen to Dr. Laura once in awhile (in small doses - I like her, it's true!) and she often cites lack of appreciation, respect, and affection/attention. I think this is true in a lot of cases, especially in a marriage or long term relationship where you're supposed to be committed. So, if that's the case, then there is some responsibility to be taken, definitely. But I also think there are plenty of selfish people out there who cheat simply because they CAN. There are so many different reasons, but it's never right.
13I think that Oprah thats mentioned made the point that people cheat ultimately because they lacking something in their relationship and usually its thats adoration that you find in the begining of a relationship.
I completely agree with that, I think sometimes as women we think that men don't need as many compliments or affection as we do and thats not true. They're just human and they need that affection like everyone else.
14I think lots of people miss the real reason for cheating and tend to put the blame on the other spouse and what they "did or didn't do" in the relationship. Ultimately...it is the wayward spouse that makes the decision to cheat based on some deep seeded lack of self esteem. Yes, maybe the wayward spouse wasn't feeling appreciated...how about COMMUNICATING your feelings to your spouse INSTEAD of going out and having a freakin affair? That would be much less messy and devastating in my opinion.
15I think it makes sense. ive been with my bf for 2 years and recently started talking to someone from work more than i should... and i feel like the reason is because things at home werent perfect. if you are completely happy at home, u dont go out looking for more attention (most of the time atleast)
16If you are not getting any attention from your significant other, or things have just gotten stale and then u meet someone who gives u all the attention and sweetness you were looking for... it can mess with your head and you can lose your common sense.
ive never cheated but if i were too... it would be because i wasnt happy at home. i feel like we shouldnt settle for someone who just makes us happy enough, u have to soo happy that u no one else even comes close.
oh and i agree... communicate! if you arent getting something at home, talk to your SO, and if things dont change... give them an ultimatum and if that doesnt work... break up THEN do whatever u want with whoever!
17I guess cheating is easier than confrontation sometimse.
Personally, I think people cheat for all kinds of reasons. It depends on the individual -- there's no single reason. JMHO.
18and a last note...no relationship can be perfect. especially in a marriage where there are kids and bills and chores and errands and jobs...how could anyone stroke another person's ego 24/7??? Its impossible. People need to realize that, be willing to communicate when they feel neglected, and be willing to work at it with their spouse or SO. A good marriage takes work.
19People cheat because their probably too lazy to get something successful on their own, instead their idea of fun would be to steal it away from another person.
20Because they are weak. Because they want different sex. Because they think they won't get caught.
21off the topic, how do you create smiley faces here?
22I think it's just boredom. People get used to each other in a relationship and it loses the spark it had during the courting stage, and pursuing someone new is exciting.
23For fun.
24tomato, check this out: http://teamsugar.com/group/82779/blog/258833
25Lack of respect for themselves, thus others as well. It takes effort to seek someone else, so if you're so intent on stepping out, why not just leave completely? It's very malicious to go out of your way to hurt someone else. And why should anyone ever take responsibility? It's always easier to be a coward and blame someone else. Hey, it's always someone else's fault, right?
26Cheating is so stupid. If the idiot guy wasn't happy at home, then why didn't he grow a pair of balls and talk about how he felt to his wife/gf/etc. instead of being an @sshole. Stupid boys are just afraid of talking and any kind of confrontation because they are wimps.
27just to add something...yeah, not feeling appreciated at home might be the reason some people cheat, but it's not an excuse, there is NO excuse for cheating. You can always prevent cheating if you just care more about other people than your own self-centered self.
28I've cheated on past boyfriends for various reasons; I liked someone else but was too immature to end the current relationship, the sex with my boyfriend wasn't very good but I still cared about him, and even just because another guy was insanely well-endowed. I've been with a married man, too. My bad girl days are WELL behind me, but speaking from experience, the reasons for a person to cheat can be anything from emotional immaturity, selfishness, to just not being able to control yourself. It's sad.
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