Dear Sugar--
I really need someone to help me, my relationship is at stake. My partner and I have been together now for 9 years, and I still can't seem to communicate with him. I love him with all my heart, and I really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but if I don't start letting him in and talking to him about what I am thinking and feeling, i don't know how much longer we will last.
I really try to open up to him, but I am having such a hard time letting my barrier down. I don't want to lose him and I want to be able to confide in him like a best friend but I just don't know how to. I don't have many girlfriends who I can ask advice from (I have been stabbed in the back too many times to trust again) so I am hoping you can help me. --Closed off Carrie
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Dear Closed off Carrie--
I commend you for being so courageous and honest about your feelings and your relationship. The first step in self improvement is recognizing your flaws so you should be proud of yourself for being proactive and seeking help.
It sounds as though you have been extremely hurt in the past so it is perfectly normal to be guarded while you are getting to know people, but after 9 years with someone, I am concerned that you can't put your fears with your boyfriend to rest. Has your relationship suffered in any way or have you always had a tumultuous past? Has your boyfriend done anything to break your trust in the past? Many women have difficulty being comfortable with intimacy, but there are ways around that if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and ask yourself the tough questions.
Although it seems incredibly scary, you must open up to your boyfriend. Chances are he feels left in the dark, so perhaps start with reading him the note you wrote me-- that way he can be on the same page as you and could even help you work through some of your fears. Have you looked into seeing a therapist? Or couples counseling? There is no doubt that you love your boyfriend, but you're completely right, if you don't let him in, you are in time going to push him away. Start with baby steps and hopefully you can get to the bottom of your insecurity. I wish you lots of luck!
G Star
Irregular Choice
Jerome Dreyfuss
Maybe just try telling him one small thing at a time. You don't have to pour your heart out all at once... just take baby steps with it. That may help
1ccsugar has the right idea, you need to start off slow and make a habit of being more open. If that isn't enough go to a therapist on your own first, to work on your trust issues. Then when your ready do some couples councelling with your partner. Let him know ASAP that you plan on being proactive about your issues and ask him to please be patient.
2I hate to be the negative one here, but if you're still not comfortable opening yourself up with a boyfriend after 9 years together, than there's some kind of trust issue at work here, I stayed in a longterm relationship for YEARS that I was the same way in. It was only after I got out of and met my fiance that I knew I'd wasted a lot of precious time with the previous boyfriend. The instant I met my fiance, I was comfortable with him and opened up almost right away.
3I agree with Marci... If after 9 years you're still not comfortable enough to open up to him, then I'm afraid you might never be... See it as a sign of a deeper issue and run... You deserve nothing but the best, to be with someone you feel safe with and trust with your deepest thoughts and emotions... Good Luck!
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4yea i agree with ccsugar, i reckon uve had a tough time with trust and people close to u, so mayb u could just take it one step at a time, u dont have to go over board with ur feelings and tell him all ur troubles, just confide in him when ur worried about things or feel u need somone to be there for u, i hpe u feel alittle better, and dont b put off if u are ever let down again by a friend, not everyone is a bad person.
5I can't do it as well.... I have such a big problem with sharing personal information ..
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