DearSugar and Confused Casey need your help. She doesn't know if she should take her friendship to the next level with her best guy friend. All their buddies say they should, but she doesn't feel the spark. Is she overlooking something or is she just not into him?
Dear Sugar,
I call my best guy friend my quasi-boyfriend, because we have a very close relationship that is everything a romantic relationship should be, minus the physical stuff. We’ve been very close for about three years and though there have been flirty moments, we’ve never crossed the line. His buddies insist that I’m perfect for him and that we should be together, and my friends feel the same about him. They are also quite vocal about the issue and won’t let it go. Because they keep bringing it up, the issue is on both of our minds.
Last weekend, he confessed to me that he wanted more than friendship when we first met and that he still thinks about being together, especially because of the prodding from our friends. He called it a “deliberate suppression of attraction” because he senses that I just want to be friends. He reassured me that we are friends first and however I choose to proceed is fine by him. I am confident that our friendship will remain intact no matter what.
I have no doubt that we could have a very good romantic relationship if I chose to take it there, but I'm just not very attracted to him. He's a very good looking guy and regularly dates very attractive girls, but I just don’t feel a spark with him. I am very worried, however, that I’m overlooking something here. He’s smart, successful, fun, kind, and attractive; in other words, he's a total catch! What if I look back years from now and wonder why I didn’t take advantage of the situation?
How do I figure this out and distinguish my emotions? Am I stuck in friendship mode and missing out on something great? Or should I take my apathy as a sign that we just aren’t romantically compatible? — Confused Casey
Eric Van Peterson
Church
Nike
casey, i think u should at least try! give him a chance, u never know!! he seems to be the right guy for anyone to tell u the truth!!
1"I'm just not very attracted to him"
"I just don’t feel a spark with him"
You can't force attraction with someone. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
Just because all of your friends think you'd be great together as a couple doesn't mean you have to be a couple.
I've been in a very similar situation and so many people told me how great he and I would be together. Because of it I ended up being really confused about my own feelings, and my own instinct, really. I knew all along, though, that I wasn't attracted to him that way, even though he's really great.
Don't become involved with him romantically if you're not attracted to him that way. Continue being his friend and if you're meant to be more than that I think nature will take it's course.
2i was in the EXACT same situation a few years ago... i had a great best guy friend that was cute, funny, intelligent, kind, etc, but i just didn't FEEL it. i knew logically that he was perfect, but couldn't get myself to want to date him even though he'd flirt with me constantly. it turned out that he was gay & even though i had no idea at the time, i must have picked up some vibe from him despite the flirting & THAT's why i wasn't into him. so, i'm not saying that your friend is necessarily gay, but there's something that's just not there for you & there's no way that you can force it. it wouldn't be fair to either of you. i say pass him up & let another great girl (or guy) take him up on everything he has to offer.
3If you think your friendship will stay intact no matter what then why not give it a try? You might not feel the spark because you are suppressing it too. You never know until you try. If it doesn't work out then you still have a friend and you'll never have to wonder "what if?"
4You can't force things, and just because someone's a great catch doesn't mean that they'd be a great catch for you. I'd let it go, and wait for someone to come along that all of those things AND has the chemistry that's lacking with your friend.
5i think that maybe you haven't made the choice to cross the line because of fear in the past and now you're comfortable in that place, but if everyone is seeing something that you don't see then maybe it's a sign that you should at least try it. there's a lot to be said about having the ultimate relationship with someone that's just on friend level when you know that there could be more.
6No. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted and that is all there is to it. Follow your own feelings. Don't give into the peer pressure.
7That is a very similar situation I was in before I started dating my guy 5 years ago. We were the same way too, very close, flirty, hung out all the time.
Since he was my best friend, I didn't initially see him in that way - I wasn't immediately "attracted" to him but always thought he was cute.
The difference is, even as friends there was always something special there, this spark that wasn't necessarily that romantic chemistry (since we were friends) but just something special between us where I would see him the day before and be so excited to see him the next day, or was so excited to talk to him on the phone, and eventually that special bond became romantic sparks. When we started dating, it was like, we should have started this awhile ago.
So you may not be like omg I have to date him, but do you have an exciting/special relationship with him? Or is he truly just a friend? Hope you work things out, good luck!
8That is a very similar situation I was in before I started dating my guy 5 years ago. We were the same way too, very close, flirty, hung out all the time.
Since he was my best friend, I didn't initially see him in that way - I wasn't immediately "attracted" to him but always thought he was cute.
The difference is, even as friends there was always something special there, this spark that wasn't necessarily that romantic chemistry (since we were friends) but just something special between us where I would see him the day before and be so excited to see him the next day, or was so excited to talk to him on the phone, and eventually that special bond became romantic sparks. When we started dating, it was like, we should have started this awhile ago.
So you may not be like omg I have to date him, but do you have an exciting/special relationship with him? Or is he truly just a friend? Hope you work things out, good luck!
9Why not give it a try? You should take it slowly for a while, and ten make a decision. Your friendship will be intact no matter what, so I don't think it would be awkward if it didn't work out.
10I've thought about this some more . . . if you become romantically involved with him because all of your friends think you'd be great together, what happens if you decide the lack of attaction really is a problem a month or two down the road? Will you still stay with him because all of your friends think you should?
Sure, it's great to sometimes get advice from friends, but that doesn't mean you should do what they say or that they always know what's best for you.
You're obviously going to get both views here. But you really have to do what you feel is best for you.
11Try it. If it doesn't work, let him know, and by the sounds of it, he will still be your friend not matter what.
12If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. There are a lot of guys out there that are great on paper that you won't click with. Don't do him a disservice by going out with him just because his credentials match what you're looking for!
13you can give it a try and see how it works out but if you dont feel the attraction, you cant force it no matter how much you try to convince yourself that he's the perfect guy.
14I haven't been in this situation but since I'm divorced I better understand what it takes to make a stable mate.
15It's like this, think of the worst thing that could happen to you... how does this guy (any guy you're with or considering) react as far as you are concerned. If you had to go through chemo would he be there for you with paper towels for the clean up or try to cheer you up by asking for sex. Sounds ridiculous right? So is judging a mate by attraction. I'd marry my best guy friend hands down. Over time the attraction comes from his stability and being there in good and bad times.
Do what feels right to you, not what other people say or think. You have to follow your heart, and your feelings!
16From experince, you can't FORCE anything so if you feel the way you do then it is quite alright.If he is really your friend, then he should accept your decision and like he said, you all are friends FIRST and 4most. So that shouldn't change. But, then you have to look at it like you may never find a guy quite like your friend.I have learned that you aren't going to get a "perfect" mate and there are somethings that you have to accept and compromise with. Then, u will be hurt that u let a good thing go. The bonus part is the friendship you all have. That is something even more special in any developing r/s. But, do what you feel it right and what will make you happy.
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