Dear Sugar,
I'm a recently separated 20-something. I've been on my own for a few months now and have dated casually. About a month ago I met a guy through work, though we have virtually no contact there; we're not even in the same building. We've been hanging out regularly and I'm having a good time with him. We go out to eat, watch movies, go to bars; just normal stuff. I do have two issues though. First, I'm afraid that he drinks too much. Normally, I would say to each their own, but that was one of the main reasons why I left my husband. Second, I'm starting to feel a bit smothered. When we're together, he is laid-back, but when we're apart, he texts me and wants to hang out, says he misses me, etc. Being wanted is nice, but one thing that I've learned about myself is that I need my alone time.
Basically, I feel that while I like him and enjoy spending time with him, he's not the one for me. We haven't discussed anything about our future, so is it wrong for me to continue seeing him when I know it will eventually end? — He's Convenient Constance
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Dear He's Convenient Constance,
People date each other out of convenience all the time, so while the rational side of me says no, don't just use him, the realistic side says to go for it, have fun, and see what happens! Since you're going through a divorce right now, I'm sure he knows that you're not looking for a serious commitment, so as long as you don't give him false expectations, I don't see why you can't continue seeing him.
Since there are two blatant things that bother you about this guy, I suggest talking to him about them, especially in regard to your alone time. Perhaps if he can cut back on his drinking and give you the space you need, you could actually grow to like him more. If you don't, that's OK too, just continue to have fun and take this relationship for what it's worth.
GUESS
Prada
Apart
you're obv not ready for anything bc everything that you find wrong with him or that bothers you is connected to your ex or the fact that you need some 'me time' in between things.
1I disagree with Dear! You have already suffered a failed relationship as a result of someone having a problem with their drinking. I don't think that you need a daily reminder of how that affected you. I personally would not want to have someone like this around me. He seems to have an addictive personality. He drinks too much and he smothers you. It sounds like this guy needs constant gratification for his own benefit, not yours. Don't give Mr. Right now a chance, you may miss out on Mr. Right!
2I personally do not see the point in dating someone if you don't see a future together and I think in your mind you are already slowly ending it. I think you are not fair to him or yourself if you do not end it soon, even if you haven't talked about a future together.
About your need for alone time: I think when you find the right guy you will feel less need to be alone, because you can 100% be yourself when you are together and you can be together without having to always talk ect. At least it is that way for me.
3I don't think you should enter into any relationship with immediate plans to change anything about someone. Stop seeing them and if they make the changes on their own...then see if you still have feeling for that person.
4If the guy didn't drink too much, I'd say go for it. But since that was a huge issue in your last relationship, I vote for ending it.
In general though, if you want to date someone casually, and you have ZERO interest in a future with them, just be up front about it. You know, the "I like spending time with you but it's too soon to be serious" line.
Then if he wants to be serious he can leave, and if he wants to stick around and have fun he at least knows where you're coming from!
5no. women who are involved with men who have substance abuse issues tend to pick those partners again and again. break your cycle. i hope you are in therapy because it's so easy to go with the familiar, even if it's unhealthy.
6should you keep hanging out with a nice guy that you have fun with? sure.
should you keep dating a guy who has qualities you really didn't like about your ex husband and who makes you feel a bit smothered? not so much.
7No - there are huge red flags here - I say stop dating him. You can tell him you're just not ready for a relationship. That's fine. Take your time, take care of yourself, and stay away from heavy drinkers.
8Are you even divorced?
9I say stop.
10And agree with Lele777.
The guy doesnt sound like the kind of dude you need in your life right now... like someone said up there, you need to break the cycle, and try to look for someone that is totally different from who you just left.
I'm sorry you're going through a divorce, hopefully you'll find someone that is worth it soon
good luck
i feel for you here - it's never fun to be in a position where you want to express what you're feeling to someone, but you don't really know if you want to get into the conflict with them. i would first try to talk to him about his drinking. maybe he doesn't realize that he drinks too much that it bothers you. maybe he thinks that it's normal - and you just need to bring it to his attention in a non-confrontational way. see if that makes a difference.
about the texting and smothering thing, sometimes people think that's what you want - guys are often mis-lead about what they think that women want, and that at times translates into calling TOO much rather than not at all. i think that these things are all fixable if you have the conversation with him - and if it's something that you possibly want to pursue.
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