Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I moved really fast in our relationship, which is great! Everything has worked out really well. The first few months that we dated we made out a lot, but we didn't have sex. We wanted to get to know one another without sex being involved. As passionate as we both felt about one another, we knew sex would not be an issue, which turned out to be true. But now he is obsessed with sex; he wants it all the time! And a lot of his pleasure is derived from me getting pleasure. That's fine, except sometimes I don't feel up to it.

I have discussed this with him, and he's told me that sex is a very important aspect of his life, but of course I didn't know just how important it was until after we moved in together. Obviously, I don't want him to totally stop initiating sex, but I can't do it every time he wants it and it makes him upset. Is his behavior normal? Am I just being unrealistic? What do I do now?

— All the Time Alicia

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Dear All the Time Alicia,

You yourself said that your relationship progressed very quickly, and one of the things we learn as a relationship grows is the level of each person's sexual needs and how they vary. Finding a balance that works for both people is an extremely important part of a long-term relationship and no easy task. To answer your first question: yes, I do think his behavior is normal. In fact, it's not uncommon for people to have strong and urgent desire for sex much of the time. With that said, it's also totally normal to have a lower sex drive; everyone's different. Now that you both know you have differing sexual needs, it's important to come up with a level of sexual frequency that works for both of you.

If you don't want to have sex or have him pleasure you every time he wants to, that's OK, and he needs to understand and respect that. Likewise you need to realize that if you've gone days without engaging in sexual activity, he may be more frustrated if you turn him down. Keep in mind that intercourse is not the only way to sexual satisfaction. There are other things you can do for each other and with each other that may be a comfortable compromise. If you can learn to communicate about this openly, it's far less likely to become an opportunity for resentment, so start sharing your feelings with him.

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