Dear Sugar,
My best guy friend and I have known each other for about eight years. We went to neighboring colleges, but after we graduated, we moved to different states. We kept in touch but didn't see each other like we usually did. Over the years, my feelings changed for him from friends to more than friends. I've had numerous conversations with him about it and he says he feels the same way but is afraid that if we take it to the next level, it will ruin our friendship.
I recently came back from visiting him. Spending time with him made my feelings stronger. When I asked him how he felt, he couldn't give me a straight answer. He just said he doesn't want to mess up what we have. I don't want to ruin our friendship either, but I really think he could be the one for me. Can you give me any advice with this situation? I'm almost obsessing about it! Should I keep our relationship in the friend zone, or should I try to pursue something more? — Interested Irene
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Dear Interested Irene,
It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind about your feelings for your friend. Personally, once I feel something it's hard to switch off my emotions, so I completely understand why you're obsessing. You've already done the hardest part — telling him you're interested — so while taking your relationship to the next level is no doubt a gamble, it just might be with the risk. Your intuition is telling you he could be the one so I think you should definitely explore the potential there.
Of course it takes two to tango, so your friend has to be on board as well. Putting your friendship out on the line is sure to make you both feel vulnerable, but not giving it a shot could end up being the real mistake here. Holding back your feelings could make for an awkward relationship too, so talk to him again, express your feelings and ask him to do the same, then proceed from there. If it feels right, it probably is. Good luck.
Mishumo
Esprit
Uslu Airlines
Just kiss him
1hey, I think I replied to you in Group Therapy... I had a similar situation recently and when it's long distance like that, I think it requires a 100% commitment from both sides - all you can do is take him at his word and step it back a bit for now. He might come around after thinking it through a little more, but still, at this point I'd advise you to enjoy your friend as a friend and be grateful for the friendship - the ball's in his court.
2IMO, him telling you that he "doesn't want to ruin the friendship that you have" is his way of politely saying he's not interested in you that way and doesn't want to hurt your feelings... I'd drop it and move on and wait for him to make the first move if he changes his mind.
3i don't think he likes you like that...or else he would have made a move
sorry chick
4I agree with K8, if he had feelings for you the don't want to ruin the friendship thing would not matter... Because dating would only ruin your friendship if it didn't work out, which is apparently what he thinks will happen... Because he doesn't like you like that.
5NOTHING can keep a man away from the woman he wants, especially when he knows she's interested. Move on.
6I married "that" guy. My husband and I met while I was still in high school and became friends. We stayed friends through failed marriages (For each of us) and different boyfriends/girlfriends. We were reluctant to date because we had SUCH a great friendship, we were afraid of ruining it, just like you. Finally, after each of us had gone through several other relationships and just were NOT finding what we wanted, we decided to give it a go. A year later we got married. We have been married 12 years now, and let me tell you, it was the absolute BEST risk I've ever taken. The fact is, if we HAD dated earlier in life, it wouldn't have worked. I was very shallow person and wouldn't have been what he wanted then. Once I grew up, I was a much better match for him and he for me. He IS 9 years older than me, so he had a better grasp on what he wanted.
It doesn't ALWAYS work out this way, sometimes friends CAN'T be more because there's no romantic chemistry there. Do you have that chemistry?
Ultimately only you and he can know, and it's a toughie because there IS a risk involved. But if it works, it can be a wonderful thing.
7Mykie, I love your story.... so amazing!
8Thanks Princess, it's my own "cinderella" story.
9Get him drunk and kiss him.
But I agree that there's a chance his "I don't want to ruin our friendship" may just be the nice way he found to let you down easy...
which is why I'm advising you to get him drunk. You can always blame the alcohol and resume the friendship after a drunken episode. After a sober one, it's much harder to find an excuse...
That's what I did with my BF. I figured, if he sends me packing, I'll always be able to say "oh, sorry, I was drunk!" - and not ruin a nice friendship I really cared about.
10i think that a lot of people find themselves in similar situations where they develop strong feelings for a friend and it's a complicated place to be. it's one thing that you guys have already discussed that you have these feelings but i think that if he's said now that he doesn't want to mess things up, i would take it to mean that maybe you should focus your energies elsewhere. it's hard to be hung up on someone who's soo uncertain about things, since that means that you're not going to be open to anyone new that comes along. i think that if down the road something does happen then that's a good thing but don't let you friend keep you from being out there. you obviously have qualities that are GREAT for a guy to see in his girl...and you should find someone who's not too scared to be there with you.
11Honestly, I think that if he felt the same way, he would have admitted it too. I just don't get the feeling that he really feels the same way, because most single guys are totally down with getting it on with their friend if there is a possibility of doing so. Maybe he said that because he didn't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel rejected.
I say stop thinking about, don't wait around and start dating other men. Perhaps he will get jealous and realize he feels the same way, but seriously, I wouldn't count on it. Also, don't let that be the reason you date, do it because you deserve to be happy with someone who wants the same things as you (ie: a long relationship). Good luck to you.
12According to the book "He's just not that into you," when a guy says he doesn't want to ruin the friendship, he is actually just trying not to hurt your feelings. If he liked you romantically, you would be together by now. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
13Haha yeah just plant one on him and see if there is chemistry there. If it's there you'll both notice and you can try something. You've already done the hardest part. If he realizes that you have great chemistry then he should be easier to convince. Tell him what steps you'll take to ensure that it doesn't ruin your friendship if you break up. Two mature people should be able to do this responsibly.
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