Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years in October. He is 31 and I am 23. We have two children together, a three year old and a nine month old. Since I became pregnant with our youngest, things have been lacking in the bedroom. We had sex five times between April 2007 and April 2008 and since then, we've only had sex once, and that was in July. I'm so confused and unbelievably hurt. Just thinking about it makes me sob; I can't help but feel like it's my fault that he never wants to touch me anymore. I've tried talking with him and telling him how it makes me feel, but nothing changes. We live together, and he is currently unemployed, so I know he isn't cheating. I go to bed every night with the hopes that something is going to be different and it never is. It's now spilling over into everyday life. Is there any hope? What is wrong with him?
— Sexually Frustrated Sybil
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Dear Sexually Frustrated Sybil,
Being sexually satisfied is an extremely important part of a relationship, and if your needs aren't being met that's a big problem that needs to be dealt with. You mention that you've tried talking with your boyfriend, but until this is resolved, you're going to have to keep talking to him. First of all, it's important to realize that people go through different phases in the bedroom, and just because you guys have come upon a dry spell doesn't mean you can't work this out. Next time you talk to him, instead of focusing on what you're doing wrong or what's wrong with your relationship, try asking him how he's feeling. You mention he's unemployed right now; maybe he's feeling depressed. Or maybe he's just lost interest. Whatever it is, you won't know until he verbalizes it to you.
Once you have a specific problem, you can actually start working towards a solution. And when you do, be clear on your needs. Don't just tell him you'd like to feel more wanted; be specific. Do you want him to be willing to have sex if you initiate it? Or do you need him to do the initiating? One you're clear on your needs, listen to his and see where there's room for compromise.
Of course, compromising is incredibly challenging, so consider reaching out to a couple's therapist for advice. Being in a relationship where you feel unsatisfied and unloved is no way to live, and I'm sure your boyfriend feels that way too, but currently he's just unable to communicate that on his own. The more you work to get this topic out there, the more comfortable opening up about it will become.
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Uh, I'd strongly recommend counseling. This happened to me, but luckily I wasn't married and didn't have any children. He really stopped loving me. I think that it can be fixed, but not without a very willing partner, which I hope your husband is. I definitely think you should go into couples counseling as soon as possible, and be open to going to a sex therapist if your counselor recommends it. Consider that he may be severely depressed and you should urge him to consider getting help for that - it can destroy a relationship. Good luck.
1Oops, I mean your boyfriend! sorry!
2I had the same thoughts as princess_eab -- it sounds like he may be depressed and couples counseling (and maybe additional individual counseling for him) is a must. good luck.
3I understand your situation. My boyfriend is one of those people that can only focus on one thing at a time. When we first moved to my hometown, he was having trouble finding a job and had basically no sex drive at all. Now he's working on an album and that's all he can think about. I think trying something new and fun could spice something up. I think when guys get down on themselves it's kinda like us when we're on our period. Kinda blah feeling and not super hot. I know it's easy to think it's your fault, I always take it personally. My boyfriend always tells me that it's a provider thing instilled in his mind because he's a southern guy. He basically can't think about anything else except getting on track and being "the man." I think you just have to realize sometimes guys get blue too and try to cheer him out of it somehow. I used to always say "i'm sorry" and think things were my fault and I've learned to not take things personally and focus on turning bad situations good. If that doesn't work, I totally recommend couples counseling. It would be good for everyone.
4I'm not going to say this in a judgmental or mean way at all, it is only advice that I once got and that is very true. Complaining, sobbing, and having "the talk" is never going to make a man want to have sex with you. Like, never. Actually, the more you talk about it, the less he'll probably want to do it. Because, one, it's really not sexy at all; and two, it makes him feel inadequate, and that is definitely not a turn-on.
So, as somebody told me when MY guy had a dry spell a few months ago and I was rolling myself on the floor with self-doubt and frustration, how about you try to get him the mood? How about instead of saying "why don't you want to have sex with me?" with guilt-inflicting, tear-filled eyes, you go to the hairdresser and the lingerie shop, you drop off the kids at your mom's, and you show up at home with a bottle of wine and a kinky, playful look on your face? Okay, so it's hard to pull off when you're feeling as insecure as the situation has led you to feel at the moment, and it may not work the first time. But thats what ended up working for me, and we never had to talk about it again (which honestly NEVER NEVER NEVER worked, it only made things worse.)
Of course there may be deeper reasons for his not wanting it - maybe he stopped loving you, maybe you gained weight after your pregnancy, maybe he's depressed about his job.... etc - but maybe it's just a dry spell that has 18 different reasons (some above even) and the best way to get over the hump is to NOT dwell on it, and just re-ignite the flame.
So that's my advice. You want sex? Act like you WANT sex, not like you're desperate for it. Again, this may sound mean, and I'm sorry, but please know that I did the exact same thing you are, realized how it didn't work, and got some great advice that unclenched the situation - and that's why I'm allowing myself to be so blunt.
Good luck!
5It's entirely possible that because of your recent pregnancy/birth of your child, your boyfriend has subconsciously (or perhaps even consciously) begun associating you with all things motherly. He could be viewing you as something untouchable and sacred. The way you care for your children might also play a role. If it's anything like how his own mother raised him, he might actually feel dirty or perverted for being intimate with you. It's also possible that when the two of you first hit it off, he subconsciously associated positive traits between his mom and you & thus felt comfortable and happy with you. Or, if he didn't have a good relationship with his mother, then he found your personality traits comforting and 'safe'. Now that you're an actual mother, he's a little weirded out.
One thing you can try looking up is the "Madonna/wh*re" complex. It's basically my explanation, but clearly explained by experts and the like. If your boyfriend really isn't cheating, then it probably doesn't fully apply. But it could provide possibly insight
6it seems like you guys are in a rut that you both let go on for too long. he probably is unmotivated and depressed because he's just sitting around all day.
there definitely has to be more to this story, but whatever it is, it seems like you two need to go to counseling and maybe try to take a vacation without the kids and try to reconnect.
7Karlotta, that is such great advice. My husband, like ChristinaMUFE's boyfriend, gets so wrapped up in work (he takes work home with him at night), he never takes a break and by the time we go to bed, we are too tired to have sex. (This is not the case all the time. It's not as severe the OP's case where she has had sex only once in the last five months. But it is less than I would like.) I am going to try to set the mood or surprise him while he is working (in our home office, I mean) instead of just saying "We never have sex!"
8You said he is unemployed right now. Is it possible that he is so stressed because of a new baby on the way that he's just not in the mood?
This same thing happened to us when I was pregnant with my youngest. I, like you, felt that it was my fault. That he wasn't attracted because I was big and pregnant etc. etc. etc. I finally told him that we needed to do something and we sought counseling. That's when it came out that the stress of job-hunting and a new child on the way was just more than he could bear. He didn't even KNOW that's what was bothering him.
Get him to go to a counselor. Let him know how much this is affecting you and that you want to make it right. He should have no problem agreeing to do that.
9Everyone has giving you some very good advice as far as the counseling! I've been with my man going on 5yr's now and I think we've had this conversation at least twice. He's moved from another city and there life style was a little wider than what I was use to. I had to adjust my self to his needs and wants b/c it was something that I wasn't use to getting confronted about! I'm a mother of two and when there young it's hard to keep the whole family happy! I made me out a plan on what I should do to give everyone in the house my attention. I work 8hrs. a day so I have to make the first few hours of coming home to my children b/c of school work and plus going to bed on time! Now, when there all together I go take me a shower/bath and then slip into something very, very, very comfortable just so he can have a look! It's always good to have something in the closet that he just can't get enough of like out fit's from Victoria don't tell nobody, toy's or just walking around in ya birth day suit! When this became old to me and I was looking for something new so we would make time to talk about it regardless. It takes two to make thing's right and if he's not willing to apply then maybe the next best thing to do is counseling! Either way it's not something to get a divorce over but it something to take the time out of your busy schedule and discuss! I wish the best for you and yours b/c someone is going through this same type of dilemma that your going through!
10I AGREE WITH KARLOTTA.
11I think you and your boyfriend need counseling. Like one of the ladies said, he might be depressed and upset due to his unemployment or where his life is at the moment. Its something that happens to many couples so please don't feel like there's something wrong with you or that you are doing something wrong. Also, there are places, clinics, that will provide counseling sessions free or at a low cost. Find out and do it, not only for you but for your children and boyfriend. In the long run it will be for all of your happiness.
12I think that the most likely explanation is related to the fact that he is depressed. Men can often lose their sex drive when depressed. My fiancee did when he went through a period of depression, due to losing his job. He just stopped initiating it. I think that many men consider a job much more a part of their masculine identity then women do (which must particularly be the case if you have children to support and he can't get work). I would be willing to bet that his sex drive will rise shortly after he finds another job.
13I would suggest couples counselling or a sex therapist. If he won't go, then go on your own so that can learn new ways of communicating and figure out what you want. Good luck to you!
A lot of good advice has been said on here. Try to take as much as you can! Also, dropping the kids off t a babysitter's and surprising him with lingerie will help alot!
14I have to agree with Karlotta here. Try and seduce him and if he doesn't want to have sex with you then ou definitely need couples counciling. He could not be physically attracted to you anymore if you put on weight with the last kid, sorry to say but some guys are just assholes like that. Or he could be cheating or there could be something else troubling him.
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