I agree with Dear Sugar. The other thing to remember is that the wedding gift is not meant to recoup the wedding cost. You and your husband invited them because you wanted them there on your special day, not because you wanted a lot of money from them. Try to let it go. You'll feel better.

I agree with Dear Sugar. The other thing to remember is that the wedding gift is not meant to recoup the wedding cost. You and your husband invited them because you wanted them there on your special day, not because you wanted a lot of money from them. Try to let it go. You'll feel better.

Honestly, I would buy them something cheap yet still nice. That was a rude thing to do, especially since you know they are well off and a year ago times weren't exactly bad, they were starting to get there. Then again you have to remember that they are your husbands friends.. why don't you talk to him about it, you can say something like "so what do you think we should get Jane and John for their wedding?". That way you can get an idea of what your husband is thinking.

thats unbelievable and i would've said something to them. i would have made it clear that I was hurt by what they did and I would give her a card and tell her times are tough, surely you must know that. things like that make me mad. how do you go to someone's wedding that surely cost them a hell of a lot more than you're giving and have the nerve to give them $12.50 per person.

If someone did that to me I would decline the wedding and I would send them a nice letter as to why. do you really want those type of people in your life anyway? you spent $1,040 inviting them to your wedding alone and all they could do was cough up a measly $12.50 per person. PLEASE!!! they are not hard up at all just extremely f*ckin cheap and inconsiderate. i would tell them to kiss my ass and never talk to them again.

p.s. what they did was almost like an insult to you and your husband. they could have bought you something and given you a nice card if they were so hard up instead of giving you a measly $12.50 per person. what a disgrace.

Expecting any kind of gift for any kind of party (including weddings) is tacky. These people weren't exactly generous with their $100, but you weren't cheated because you weren't owed anything in the first place.

Are you trying to get paid back for your wedding thru gifts? As a girl currently planning a wedding I think you are being very selfish by setting a standard for the cheapest gift price! A wedding is supposed to be about bringing people together not about earning money thru gifts. Weddings are extremely expensive, and if you didn't want to spend that must you should have made better choices with wedding costs. Plus you said your parents paid for your wedding, so you already got a gift worth 10's of thousands of dollars from them . . Lighten up, be the bigger person, don't be so petty and "get back at them".

I would say that you DO have the right to be upset, BUT...where are you getting by being upset? We had something similar happen at our wedding - some guests gave us NO gift, not even a card! I was a little upset too, but what can you do? I would NEVER approach someone about it or ever bring it up though, that just comes off as rude and implies that you only care about how much money they gave you and not about their presence at your special day. I agree with what Liz4aker said - you asked them to be there (presumably) because they mean something to you and your hubby! I would say don't let that affect your gift to the daughter though - she may have thought her parents (or whoever wrote the check) were more generous and had no idea. Then she will be in the same position YOU are now...I'd give what you would have normally given.

CMD0610, I couldn't agree more. As unpleasant and materialistic as it may be, getting a wedding present is somewhat expected, but being ungrateful for you do receive is just selfish. They may have been more than a little cheap, but that doesn't mean you should hold a years-long grudge over it.

Their gift was definitely cheap but like others have said they are not obligated to give you a certain amount or even any gift at all. Saying something about it to them or taking out your anger on the other bride and groom doesn't get you a better gift. It will just make you look immature and petty. You're an adult, get over it.

Also why do you say this family "showed up"? They were invited weren't they? If you didn't want them to come then you shouldn't have invited them.

I completely understand why you are pissed. I would never go to a wedding and give any less than $50 a person. I do agree that weddings are about family and love, blah blah blah, but unless someone has some pretty dire financial circumstances, I think a gift of some nominal value (but more than $12.50) is expected. If a person is tight up on cash, homemade or thoughtful gifts are fine, but this family just sounds downright cheap.

That said, you have to let it go. For the upcoming wedding, I think giving a cheaper gift than you would ordinarily give is acceptable in this case. But after that, stop thinking about it.

Its okay to get upset. Your parents paid so much and they were more than cheap. Some are saying to be the bigger person. Others are mentioning that guests do show up with nothing. Where do you fall?

My suggestion is to give what you would normally give. I usually base it on either how well I know/like the person or cover the cost of the plate plus extra.

MissJules, do you honestly think she should have SAID something to them?

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Can you even imagine writing a letter to 8 adults saying: "Your gift was not nearly as nice or expensive as I expected it to be, and I have to say that I was disappointed that you didn't get us something more expensive."

Unbelievable.

The feeling of entitlement surrounding weddings blows my mind.

Honestly, my suggestion to the poster is to get this person's daughter a nice wedding gift. I mean what if you don't? Next thing you know we'll be getting an email into DearSugar from her saying: "I invited this nice couple to my wedding and all they got me was a card." Little does she know that her parents stiffed you and that is just payback!

Actually this makes me wonder if these 8 adults were on the receiving end of bad gifts from your husband's mom when they got married 25 years ago. I mean, gift retribution knows no boundries so you could be being punished for transgressions that happened long ago.

I'm with cmd0610 on this one...

The cost of your wedding is entirely irrelevant. YOU (or, rather, your parents) determined that; it has no bearing upon your guests. If you had wanted your parents to spend less lavishly, you could have pared down.

YOU determined your guest list. The costs associated are upon your own shoulders. It is never wise to over-spend, then hope monetary gifts will cover some of those expenses. (Did you offer any gift money you received to your parents? You mentioned a concern that the gift in question did not even compare to your parents' cost of having them at the ceremony. Should we infer that you are attempting to pay them back and fell short of your goal?)

A wedding is a celebration of marriage. You are not entitled to gifts or money from anyone. It is not the duty of your guests to cover your costs.

BUT -- it is unconventional and boldly indecorous to attend a wedding empty-handed. Your guests offered a gift. It may have seemed stingy of them, but it would appear ungracious and shallow to judge the gifts that you have received. They are *gifts* -- they are not payment for the privilege to attend your nuptials; there is no cover charge for that.

Be thankful for all you have received. YOU did not even pay for your own wedding! Count your blessings. Many are not so fortunate as you and your mate.

i can definitely understand the frustration here - it's hard when there are soo many people in attendance from one family and you're not getting a significant gift. i think that it's something that at this point you should just let go since you're never going to see anything good come of it - but it's something that you can keep in the back of your mind if that helps - for if there's ever a wedding for their family that you're invited to. it's kind of petty - but it's what we all do right? tit for tat?

i always worry about what the proper etiquette is for giving a gift - especially if you give money. i myself don't have extra money for a nice gift - yet i have the air that i have enough. it's a catch 22. i'll usually try to find a registry and get something from there since that's easier than just writing a check. i don't want to look cheap but i don't want to be over extending myself either.

I think that you should reevaluate your priorities. I mean I can MAYBE see being a tiny bit annoyed by what happened but in truth youhad no right to expect anything fromt hese people so anything you got should have been welcome. I can't believe that a grown woman who apparently has met someone she wants to spend her life with wouldn't feel fortunate in having that, let alone takign the time to hold a grudge about something so petty for this long. And to take it so far as to "pay back" the family by not getting their daughter an appropriate gift is rediculous.If you had any class whatsoever you wouldn not only get her a nice gift but might consider something nicer than normal as she may not be able to afford something special on her own. Just grow up and get on with your life.

My understanding is that the idea of covering one's plate at the wedding is a very East Coast rule, and thus not a hard and fast thing at all.

Let it go. There are many expenses involved with attending a wedding, even if there is no travel involved--people often feel the need to buy new clothes, especially if it's a fancy $130 a plate affair. You shouldn't have made the meal so expensive if your goal was to have everyone's gift cover it.

I am biased, though, because my experience has been that many couples seem too greedy about gifts and registries. I'm a grad student, and I have grad student friends who, even if they marry, are very sensitive to the grad student poverty issue. I think not worrying about how much everyone is giving you makes for a nicer wedding experience for everyone.

$100 is CHEAP! specially for 8 grown people...$25 each was doable and you didn't even get that. I would totally skimp on the girls gift. $25 from each of you should be enough....now convince your husband!

P.S. Yes, take the high road and blah blah blah....my butt....8 grown people!!! 8!!! sheesh.

P.S.2... being a grad student is the worst excuse ever! I have grad student friends who SAVE their money for thoughtful gifts...a thoughtful gift is all that matters... whether it was $20 or $1000!

A wedding invitation is given (hopefully) 1 or 2 months in advance...SAVE YOUR STARBUCKS money every morning and you'll have enough for a present...poor grad student!

I can't believe I'm reading people advocating sending a cheap gift because she feels cheated on HER gift. Has this society REALLY become that greedy? When I threw my wedding, yes the gifts were nice, but if I'd gotten nothing it would have been fine as long as the people were there.

I'm just blown away by this. Amazed.

And another thing...

Just because YOU spent $130 per plate does NOT mean THEY have to reciprocate with a gift that somewhat matches the value. YOU chose to do that, THEY didn't.

I don't think $12.50 per person can ever be justified for a family that's well off, especially for a wedding gift.

$12.50 from each person? Seriously? I would rather receive a small gift like a vase or something cute but special for my home (or nothing at all) than a paltry cash gift.

HOWEVER, I wouldn't hold a grudge for over a year about it! I would probably have b*tched to my husband for a good few days and forgotten about it shortly after.

Also, I understand you may be feeling a bit resentful towards the girl from the family that's getting married, but don't take it out on her. Rather just get her the kind of gift that you'd get any of your friends on their wedding day - then maybe she'll double back and think, mmm, I can't believe I only gave her 12 bucks!

Anyway, holding a grudge is just bad karma. Let is go!

For the sake of argument, let's assume those 8 adults were cheap and you have a right to be annoyed.

I still don't think that makes it right for you to pass your annoyance onto one of their daughters! Think about it. You'd be taking out your frustration on someone who wasn't even involved. So she SHOULD be the bigger person here.

Speaking more generally, I wasn't really aware of the "pay for the cost of your own plate" rule. I would imagine most hosts wouldn't be advertising the cost to have you attend, as this is ostensibly a party that you're invited to, not a reciprocal money exchange.

I do think the the 8 adults were cheap, btw. But I don't think it warrants:

1) Any more mental energy on the OP's part
2) Reciprocal cheapness or rudeness of any kind

If anything, you should get her daughter a nicer gift to shame her mother into being cheap with your gift.

I'm with Mykie - I'm kind of shocked at some of the responses here. Some of you sound like spoiled rotten brats. I cannot even begin to understand the expectation that you deserved more because you spent as much as you did on your wedding. Give me a break. That was your choice. And it's not like the economy is thriving at the moment, maybe these 8 individuals are worse off than you know. You can't assume to know their financial situation.

My wedding wasn't about the gifts we received or how much we spent per plate. It was about a celebration of my husband and I and our love for one another. We surrounded ourselves with those who wanted to share in that celebration - gifts or not.

This all seems very superficial and petty. I'd say it's time to grow up, build a bridge (it's been over a year now. COME ON.) and GET OVER IT.

Seriously - didn't you choose to have an expensive and lavish wedding? And what - the guests were supposed to pay for entry??? You can't be serious. Thankless and ungrateful.

100 / 8 = 12.5

$12.50 per person to attend a wedding celebration where the cost per person was over $100? Thats ridiculously cheap and I know I may sound selfish and greedy by saying this but I can't help but know I'd be a little ticked off too.

I say you go to her wedding and give her a $25 gift certificate from you and your husband. $12.50 X 2.

LOL "Each guest cost my parents about $130. " It wasn't even your money!

Its things like this that make me not want to get married, or go to people's weddings

I really dont understand the hoopla over spending so much money and inviting people and gifting and whatever the hell else goes on before and after weddings, showers, bachelorette, bachelor, whatever.

It just seems like a lot of drama and rigmarole for something that is supposed to be about love, family and the life long commitment between two souls.

Do people REALLY think about this kind of stuff?? Whatever.

Wow, you have held a grudge for over a YEAR over this? LOL...don't you have other things to worry about? Next time maybe you should elope!

I am having a hard reading some of these responses. Selfish and entitled is all that comes to mind.
I think it's completely tackr and socially and morally reprehensible to even CONSIDER commenting to a GUEST AT YOUR WEDDING that you thought their gift wasn't "up to par" with the price minimum you had set for what you wanted to receive.
If this is how you treat these people in other circumstances, you should be happy they gave you a gift at all.

yeah, this is pathetic. i agree with cmd0610- they don't owe you anything! you are so selfish. get over it.

$100 is a cheap gift? I guess I missed that memo...

you mention that it was 8 adults in a family - could it be that the parents gave you the $100 gift and the children perhaps didn't get the memo that they had to give you a gift as well (particularly if they are young adults/college students/grad students). sometimes people just think that they will be included in gifts and don't get something (particularly if it was an entire family).

get over it and give them a gift that you and your husband feel is appropriate. caring for someone has nothing to do with the monetary value of a gift, and try to remember that you got the biggest gift - to marry a man you love.

Well, you should definitely keep it simple concerning the gift...you can be friendly with them because they're your husband's friends, just remember that they are not very generous, so no need for you to do the same. Don't hate them though, just reciprocate their behavior so people don't (continue) to take advantage of you.

I agree with you need to get over it you are incredibly selfish. Wedding gifts are not intended to be a payment towards your wedding and that is how you are treating it. Did you judge everyone that did not give you the allotted $130 per person to pay for their dinner. So I am guessing you expected them to write you a check for $1040 to cover their dinner. Whatever. At least they gave you something. There are a lot of people that did not even get a card on their special day so suck it up and move on!

honestly, i think it is kind of ridiculous to expect presents for weddings. it should be something that people do if they so choose, but come on. And wedding registries? how tacky. you are basically giving a list of all the things you want and if someone doesn't come bearing a gift that isn't worth a certain amount of money, you are going to get angry over it... for a year???? to still be hung up on that is cause for concern....the reality of the situation is that they probably already spent a lot of money just to come. Weddings can be huge inconveniences (travel, dresses, babysitters, etc.) and people are usually making some sort of sacrifice just to be there and celebrate with you. just because you spent a lot of the wedding (which was entirely your choice), don't expect people who you invited to try to make up for it with extravagant gifts. How about instead of wedding presents people can choose to donate to one of the couples favorite charities?

Its been how long? You spent this time holding on to a grude when you could have spent your energy to something more productive.

You didn't even pay for your own wedding...seriuosly..get over it. Yes it was cheap..but maybe it is like what one of the poster said that the parents got something and the kids just assumed it would be something big and they would pay the paretns back...or ther was a mixed signal somewhere in that family and they dropped the ball on the gift part...but seriously..holding a grudge for that long and then considering doing that to their daughter is so 4th grade.

I agree I would have been angry. I wouldn't have said anything but I would have been irritated by that.

I don't know where everyone else comes from but in my family and my realm of friends the general rule of thumb when it comes to gift at the actually wedding is you should be buying something off the registry or giving cash the cost of your plate. So in your case if the plate was $130 than a couple should put in $260. Obviously times are different and of course this does sound expensive but the whole point is that your giving so that the newly married couple can start there life out together without debt. I always give the cost of the plate and add like $20-$60 depending on who it is.

I am very surprised that DearSugar only said $50-$100 I don't know when the last time she went to a wedding was but I cannot remember the last time I went to a wedding where the plate was only $100.

I agree I would have been angry. I wouldn't have said anything but I would have been irritated by that.

I don't know where everyone else comes from but in my family and my realm of friends the general rule of thumb when it comes to gift at the actually wedding is you should be buying something off the registry or giving cash the cost of your plate. So in your case if the plate was $130 than a couple should put in $260. Obviously times are different and of course this does sound expensive but the whole point is that your giving so that the newly married couple can start there life out together without debt. I always give the cost of the plate and add like $20-$60 depending on who it is.

I am very surprised that DearSugar only said $50-$100 I don't know when the last time she went to a wedding was but I cannot remember the last time I went to a wedding where the plate was only $100.

Wow. Just....WOW!People have weddings all wrong. When I get married I want my husbands and my friends and family to come celebrate with us...not REWARD us! Yes, gifts are nice and those who choose to give them are thoughtful and generous, but I would never EXPECT anything from anybody. And listen, honey. The reason the tradition of parents paying for the daughter's wedding arose when daughters were getting married at young ages and more than likely did not work, so they could not pay for it themselves. That was super nice of your parents to pay for you, but your complaining about these "cheap" grown adults when your "cheap" self didn't even fork out a dollar. Huh.

welly said LovelyCarrie!

gossipqueen, I did not mean to imply that my friends and I don't give gifts to each other for weddings and such. We do in fact save up for nice gifts. But BECAUSE we are grad students the gifts are not expected or demanded to do so, which is a nice feeling.

PS--I don't go to Starbucks (we don't have one near me, even, plus I don't like coffee) and in fact have no daily habits that I'd need to give up in order to save for something. I don't smoke, drink water and iced tea I brew myself at home, and make my own food unless I am eating out with a friend or date. Please don't make assumptions--I'm very frugal.

It's easy to understand the frustration - at my own wedding, we had 6 adults chip in for a $50 gift card, and then they were VERY upset with me (which they actually called me to tell me) for writing one thank you card for all of them rather than one per person. The spiteful part of me wanted to respond with the fact that 6 thank you cards plus stamps would have practically set me back the cost of their whole gift But being this upset this long after is just not productive for your own well-being. I vote with the others who say to try your best to let it go and don't take it out on the upcoming wedding gift.

also, how is anyone supposed to know how much the "plate" cost unless you are going around broadcasting it? (which in my opinion is tacky if you are going to tell everyone the cost of your wedding in order to "cover" it with gifts).

just give what you want to give.

I am getting married this saturday, and we asked people to please not give us gifts - we asked people to donate money to charity in our names if they were really determined to give us something.

You should feel privileged and realize that by your estimation of $130 per person, your parents spent AT LEAST $15,000 on your wedding. I'm assuming you are not including in this price your dress, your attendants clothes, your rings, your honeymoon, and all the incidentals that go along with a wedding. This is more than many people around the world make in THEIR ENTIRE LIVES and have to feed their children.

And yes, playing the 'starving children' card IS appropriate - you are starting a new family with your marriage, and your family should have a goal - a mission. Shouldn't it be to bring something a little better into the world? Shouldn't it be to use your union together to strengthen and promote the ideals and dreams that you have for the world your children will grow up in? Are those ideals REALLY about spending a YEAR harping over people who didn't give you enough money at your wedding? If you are really worried about $$$, you should have told your parents to give you the money they spent on the wedding instead of having a lavish wedding, and used it for home payments or school payments.

And maybe you aren't considering how much $$$ they spent getting TO your wedding - Do they live in the area? Did they all have to fly in and spend money on hotels? Because that alone could have cost them many thousands of dollars.

You are a selfish spoiled princess and need to reexamine your priorities in life. Do them a favor and don't go to their wedding at all.

Um, OP, I think you lost touch with the spirit of the wedding. The wedding is a celebration of the union between you and your husband. It's NOT a bid for nice gifts.

For you to be so upset after a year tells me you're a very materialistic person. You place a lot of value on material things, and measure it's value by how much something cost.

Well, this is your choice of values. I regret you didn't recover your wedding costs, or received what you expected (from your "well-off" friends).

So your parents decided to pay for an expensive wedding and you're mad because these people gave YOU only $100? What about your parents? Did they recoup their costs? Are they still fuming about it a year later?

Grow up! Just because you wanted a wedding that costs $130/person doesn't mean you should expect a gift worth $130/person. These people may not have even known what your venue would be like, so they weren't expecting it. Their financial situation doesn't dictate what they should spend on you. If you don't like the girl who's getting married, don't go. But if you have a good relationship with her, get over it and get her something that is reflective of the friendship.

Just be happy that you at least got $100 in cash instead of some stupid cheesy statue or other piece of crap.