I think your husband deserves to know the truth and so does your son. I do not think he will love your son any-less if he knows the truth.

As far as the father of your son, Im not sure if he needs to be contacted. Perhaps your son, when older or maybe even now, would like to meet him (but given that hes being accused of abuse I wouldnt agree to it just yet).

This is so HUGE! So obviously you have a lot of thinking to do. What you did was wrong, of course, but I dont think thats the issue here...yet. Your family will never be the same again, whether to tell the truth or not; this secret you're keeping won't allow it.

Honestly, I wish you the best of luck.

Wow.
Well, first of all shame on you for cheating on your husband DAYS BEFORE you married. That's inexcusable and so horrible.
Anyways, regarding the situation at hand, I really think you HAVE to tell him. Otherwise it will eat you up inside forever. I don't know if I could carry that secret....

My first instint is to tell the truth, but you have to be ready to face the consequences. Go watch Chaos Theory - by Ryan Reynold.

wow...what a hard situation for you to be put in. and you did it to yourself. i have to agree with jean. as for now keep it to yourself. if your marriage is doing well..kids are happy...keep it that way. i believe some thing are better left unsaid until a better moment. your punishment is having to keep this secret and know everyday what you did to this man before you married him. continue living your life....your son and the rest of your family deserve their happiness, while you need to think.

I'm with Jessie and Dear. Keep it to yourself. It's been over 10 years...knowing the truth is puishment enough. I feel for you That's a tough situation. I'm not saying what you did is ok, but I am sorry for you.

i would keep it to myself.
unless something happens that you need medical records for the other guy i wouldn't contact him whatsoever. I do not know if his wife that is divorcing him is certain he has abused their children or if she's a woman scorned, however would you really want to take the chance?

your husband will be devastated and as far as he is concerned he is the father of your son. i wouldn't disrupt everyone's lives because you feel guilty.

if you had any inkling of doubt you should have told your husband before the wedding or as soon as you found out you were pregnant.

it has now been 10 years. leave it alone.

Keep it to yourself..telling them will only lessen your guilt and make them feel like ass. And your ex is an abusive Dad...do you want to bring that element into your son's life? I am sure once the truth is revelaed he will want ot meet his real Dad.

For the sake of the stability of your family and the lives of your other kids I wouldn't say anything unless the situation of what E. Jean said comes up.

why did u cheat on your fiance/husband in the first place?

I don't know what to say on this issue itself...but Dear, I'm assuming by 'pedestrian' you mean 'paediatrician'???

I have to also agree with e. jean, if only for the sake of your son. Can you imagine being a carefree 10 year old and then having something this devasting dropped on you? Its not fair to your son to ruin his childhood, I say wait until he is older and better able to deal with things emotionally.

haha yah i agree, pedestrian likely = pediatrician

but anyway, even before i read EJeans advice, i was thinking KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! your own mental health might be affected, if it's eating you up inside, so i would suggest seeing a therapist as well, so it doesn't affect your family life. just tell your husband you've been feeling down lately and have been reading about the wonders that speaking to a professional can do for grown women and you think a therapist would help you out if you could talk to him or her every once and awhile, but certainly i wouldn't disclose this information, as you will rip apart your family

and for everyone else commenting about her indiscretion before marriage, just give it up. this isn't the point, and while she did "do it to herself" this isn't fair - this is obviously a terrible situation to be in, and it was a mistake 10 years ago. i'm happy your marriage has been so good up until now! good luck!

This whole situation should never have happened in the first place.

If this was just about your relationship with your husband I would say to tell the truth about your indiscretion, but since this involves your child I say keep it to yourself. I agree with others who say your punishment right now will be to keep the secret. I think you should tell your son once he is older and can fully understand, but be prepared for the anger and distrust that will follow. I truly feel for you because this is such a treacherous situation and it will be hard to handle, but I wish you all the best

You say nothing.

Sont destroy your family because of the mistake. I in no way condone your bad behaviour but with 3 kids.. in this circumstance i am tempted to say SAY NOTHING!

I think that the child shouldn't find out until a later date but I do think your husband has the right to know. I don't think he will ever be able to forgive you when you feel the time is right (10 more years down the road). I think if you tell him now, after you found out the truth, he MIGHT be able to forgive. I only agree that your son should not be told because he is far too young. Definitely do all the other precautions that E Jean stated. But tell your husband, he has a every right to know like you did.

Be very prepared that when your son finds out he will be incredibly hateful towards you... because he will see that his entire life was a lie.

Well, wow. Cheating your husband was horrible, and unforgivable. Honestly, i'd never forgive something like that. But, whats done, is done.

About your son. Think, what you would earn telling to your husband and son the truth? You would be deciding a problem and creating another one. Okay, you would fell better telling the truth, felling fine with yourself, but and the consequences? You would being destroying your family. And felling guilty again. Felling guilty with a broken family. Now, you're just felling guilty. And everyone is happy. For now, its better this way.

But one day, not now, but after your kids grow up, etc, you should tell them the truth.

I wish you lucky.

It will be found out eventually, trust. You deserve to suffer in silence.

I agree -- keep it to yourself. Take it to your grave.

The guilt and burden of carrying this secret will be your penance.

Truthfully, your indiscretion amazes me. Firstly, you cheat on your fiance three days before the wedding. Secondly, you had (presumably) UNPROTECTED sex. You're a piece of work.

Skigurl: I like what you had to say!

"and for everyone else commenting about her indiscretion before marriage, just give it up. this isn't the point, and while she did "do it to herself" this isn't fair - this is obviously a terrible situation to be in, and it was a mistake 10 years ago. i'm happy your marriage has been so good up until now! good luck!"

I agree with E.Jean

I totally agree with E Jean.

You should have spoken up and told the truth years ago when you discovered you were pregnant and first suspected it might not be your husband's child.It certainly would have avoided most of the grief and heartache you are about to cause your husband,son and the rest of your family when it all eventually hits the fan.

Or maybe you should have never,ever betrayed your fiance by sleeping with your ex a few days before your wedding.Lies of that magnitude have a way of coming out and it looks like it's finally caught up to you and without a doubt it's going to change others lives forever.I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now.

I'm not in any way condoning lying to your son but at this point it's only going to turn his world upside down.It's all about protecting him especially because he's so young and probably not yet capable of processing any of it. The thought of how he's going to feel when he finds out really breaks my heart. I truly feel sorry for him and your husband.I can only hope that they love you enough to forgive you one day and move on. Good Luck!

"his birth to your pedestrian" do you mean pediatrician?

also. don't tell. /: as previously well stated by dearsugar, don't tell.

I don't think any good can come out of your telling your 10 year old son that the father he's known and loved his entire life isn't actually his father. Especially since his biological father sounds like he could potentially end up being a huge dissapointment for him. Why hurt your child for a mistake you made?

Tell him when he's old enough to understand it if you really must.

Keep it to yourself. I agree that your suffering and the burden you will bear is punishment enough. No reason to rip your family to shreds, though it may come to that anyway because of the guilt you feel.

Take it with you to your death...sorry. Unless like E. Jean says, and you need it for medical reasons to be disclosed, keep it hidden. It will do nothing for your son or your husband. It WILL likely end in divorce, and a lot of times it can fatally damage the bond that your husband and your son will hold. There is no reason to tell and the only benefit will that it will shed you of your guilt and shame of the secret...which is selfish. Keep it secret.

wow, you did an aweful thing and nothing you can do now is the right thing.

sucks to be you, but you deserve it.

I love the Oedipus reference! Make sure you have no pins nearby!

I say keep it your damn self, dont torture your family just so you can stop feeling so guilty. Follow EJean's advice and keep your mouth shut.

Think about the consequences of telling your son and husband (as well as the other siblings) -- they would be devastated and what? you would probably feel better having the weight off your chest. Honestly I don't even know if you DESERVE to feel better after doing such a horrible thing to your husband and there is no need to make your husband and son feel miserable and inadequate right now. If you feel you need to tell someone, tell your husband, hope he forgives you and work it out TOGETHER on how/if you should tell your son. Even though he isn't the biological father, he sure as heck seems to be the real father considering he has raised and supported him for 10 years.

"This whole situation should never have happened in the first place"

-- that is not advice. People write to this board seeking ADVICE, not coula, shoulda, woulda. She already knows that. I see a lot of that on here and I want to speak out about it.

That said, my ADVICE is to do what is best for your son, and that is to keep the secret (except for medical reasons as Jean said). Your ex was the sperm donor, but your husband is the only father he has ever known and your son should not have to pay for your mistake.

I'm with EJean...you did a bad thing...but confessing will only screw everyone in the family up...not just your husband, but your son and any other siblings...let sleeping dogs lie...besides...I think the guilt alone might be punishment enough for a while. You just need to make sure that eventually the truth does come out! They both deserve to know at some point. But, now is not the time!

I say do not tell your son anything now until he is older and then make it out to seem like your husband adopted him as his own. you know, an angelina and brad pitt situation. sorta. Then i say tell your husband now, because now or later you are going to face the same exact consequences within your marriage. but i think if you wait 10 more years and he finds out you knew the truth ten years earlier and led him on , well that would hurt even more. you were selfish when you did it then, think of him now. give him the option now. it will only get WORSE. we all have to face consequences for our misdeeds.

Yes, you did a really bad thing. It was a long time ago, but it was still wrong. You should tell your husband. You may not have been faithful or true before you were married, but now that you've been married for ten years you need to tell him the truth. He deserves it. What makes a father anyway? Just the fact that the man is the biological parent of the child or is a father a man who loves his child unconditionally, helps the child, provides for the child, teaches the child, plays with the child, and is always there waiting with open arms for the child. The applies to mothers too and more than one child as well. Your husband, no matter what the paternity tests says, is the father of your child. Tell him and maybe when your son is older in about 5 years you can tell him. I know that I hate not being told something even if it is just a little thing. I don't like it when my parents keep something from me. I'm 17 so maybe when your son is 16-17 you should tell him instead. I think that minus the not telling your family part, you should follow E. Jean's advice.

I also think that you should keep it to yourself unless it has to come up for medical reasons. I will be hard on you, but it will be easier overall for everyone involved.

I agree with E. Jean on this one. Don't lay this on your family now just because you are close to losing your mind. It was your decision to get the DNA test, when you knew what the results could be.

This would be absolutely devastating for your son. Let him be a child and enjoy his childhood.

I am sorry you are going through this. But, don't put your son through this heartache now.

Legally speaking (I'm in my last year of law school)do exactly as DearSugar says. See an attorney, write up a stipulation, and keep it to yourself. There is no reason to rock the child's world. It his not his fault that you made a mistake, which you did. Allow him to grow, and proper. In the case of your husband, that is up to you telling him the mistake, and what a wonderful thing came from that mistake. Though, do consider his temperament and personality - will he treat the child different when he learns he is not biologically related to him? Think how it will affect your child, as he is the priority, not your husband.

People, in general, think far too much from the heart, and not from the head.

I agree with everyone that said take it to your grave. Confess it to God and move on. Why hurt four other people just to make yourself feel better?

Keep your mouth shut until the day you die.

Definitely keep it to yourself. You might feel bad now but when your children no longer like you and your marriage gets shaken up, maybe even broken, that would be so much worse.

And think long term, does anyone remember teenage years? The harshest thing you could say/think to a parent was that you hated them and in your mind everything they did was a way to punish you for some little thing. Imagine how he'll feel when his Daddy [the man who raised and loved him from before he was born, only man who matters] has to punish him and his hormones are out of whack, growing pains will be that much harsher when it comes down to 'you're not my father!' and you'll be the bad guy.

I'm curious as to how you found out about the divorce. Was it in teh local newspaper? Or did you hear about it the search for it? Because you said it was in the papers but right after you said you looked it up and he looks just like your son.

I agree with the person who said you should look into therapy though, even if it's just to have someone to talk too when it gets to be a bit much.

While Im not usually an advocate of dishonesty, I think in this situation you should keep it to yourself. Like alot of others have said, the only good that can come of it, is that you arent burden with the guilt and that is very selfish to destroy your family just so you dont have to carry the burden. Carrying that secret will not be easy and *maybe* you deserve it. But theres no point in ruining 4 other poeples lifes just so you can let it go.

I just read that 14% of women sleep with someone else between the time they get engaged and the actual wedding, which kind of surprised me. It seems like that would be the time when a relationship has complete fidelity. Guess not, and your problem certain proves that.

I have very mixed feelings here. Your son deserves to know his true genetic makeup, for the medical history alone. But wow, 10 years later? This news would KILL your husband and most likely the relationship he has with your son.

Ooops, I inadvertently posted when I wasn't finished.

Basically, no one wins in this situation. No one. If you tell, every relationship in the three of your lives changes. If you keep the secret, you're carrying the burden of that for the rest of your life. It's too bad you had the DNA testing. Ignorance is bliss.

My advice then is to not say a word to your son. Tell your husband, but no one else.

I normally think people should come out and tell the truth in these kinds of situations, especially if there are no kids involved. But in this case I agree with EJean. I don't think you should say anything to anybody except what EJean suggested, like getting a lawyer and writing something out just in case of an emergency.

I agree with the people saying not to tell, unless your son HAS to know, because of medical reasons or the like, don't tell him! Your husband is a better father to your son than it sounds like his real father would be and it has been 10 yrs!! I would possible think about telling your husband but I would be afraid like someone said above, that he might start treating the child differently...and I would only tell your son when he is much older, this is not something to dump on him right now while he is this young and just enjoying life.

I also agree with people saying try therapy to talk to someone, that can help you sort your feelings out and won't hurt your family in the process.

Can I just say one thing?

The people who write in to these things are looking for advice, not the kind of harsh, seemingly cruel judgment a lot of you are giving this poor woman. Yes, she made a mistake. I'm sure she's aware. She wants some sisterly comfort and advice; not accusations and snotty comments. I just really feel awful reading some of the things you guys have written ABOUT her TO her. No one deserves that kind of treatment, no matter what they've done so long as they've admitted their mistake and especially when they are actively seeking help. For shame.

Wow I disagree with almost everyone so far. How can you keep such a big lie from your husband? That isn't what a marriage is about. You found out, you should tell him, now. Honestly, I think he will be devastated but I think it's unlikely he would leave. Come out with the truth, and then work through it, like you should with any problem in a marriage. As far as your son goes, that should be a decision between you and your husband on when to tell him. I think it would do far less damage if he found out as an adult when he understands everything.

Wow... she's saying she doesn't know how she'll live through this, and most of you are still scorning her? I agree with Brdwaystarlett! For shame, for shame. In my opinion, this website shouldn't even allow these hurtful comments in what is supposed to be a friendly community.

My advice for this woman is to find some religion. Otherwise it WILL eat you up, as will the distasteful remarks found on this website! Life is suffering. You can only change the way you react to it. The only thing that's important now is love and happiness.

I agree- leave it alone. There's no reason to ruin several other people's lives.

And to those who can't understand infidelity during engagement... plenty of people get nervous over this final commitment to one man. It doesn't surprise me at all.

I have to disagree with most people on this one. I'm currently going through a situation where a terrible secret has come out about a close family member after over two decades. Most of what my family is now struggling with has more to do with years of lies and feeling like you don't know that person at all than the action/secret itself (although that's obviously difficult as well).

You're lying to yourself if you think this won't come out eventually and it will be so much worse if it continues to drag on. You owe it to your husband to let him decide if he wants to continue in a marriage with someone who has been harboring a lie that will affect the rest of his life.

This is not meant to judge - but usually in these type of situations, where a big secret has been kept for a long time, it is let out so that the person holding the secret will feel less guilt about what has been done and can start to feel better about the situation.

Unfortunately, no one is going to feel any better in this situation - EVERYONE is going to be hurt, most importantly your child and your husband.

I would say to just try to let it go and move forward. And I know that will not be easy. I agree that seeing a psychiatrist or someone you can talk to about it to help get over some of the feelings you are having now. But giving up this secret will only cause pain that can never be taken back. Best of luck to you!!!

I too found out that a family member did a "questionable" thing, and at first I was very hurt and angry. Then, I realized that at the time, this person did what they thought was best in a difficult situation. Does it make it any easier? No. But they're family, and my understanding is a testament to our closeness.

So...I say keep this to yourself. If you tell the husband, you risk tearing a very good relationship and solid family apart. You risk emotionally damaging a 10 year old boy. And what good would it do to tell the guy you had a one off with? He's in the middle of a divorce anyway.

If a medical crisis comes up, then you'll have to tell. If not, keep it quiet. I know the guilt has to be eating you up, but this is where you have to be the bigger person and protect your family- the ones you love- by taking this on. Like other posters advised, talking to a therapist will help you manage the guilt and anxiety you must be feeling.

There are concepts of what is "right" when it comes to a marriage, and I do believe in honesty. But I believe that protecting your child comes first, and telling your husband may adversely effect your son's wellbeing. I'd definitely discuss it at length with your therapist before even thinking about broaching the subject with him. Really, what is to be gained? Will you feel better? Your husband certainly won't. You know what I mentioned in the first paragraph? I truly wish I had never, ever happened upon that information (it was accidental that I found out.) So it's in your hands. I hope you make a well-thought out, logical decision. Good luck.