Dear Sugar--
At 35, I am 8 years older than my husband. Every now and then, someone will make a remark about our age difference. So far, the worst I heard was "you're too old for him, he should be with a better woman" and my mother-in-law's friend, who relocated to our community said, "she's not good enough for him."
The second comment caused a riff in my relationship when I told my husband that I wasn't comfortable with his mother's friends in our home after their snide remarks. His response was, "don't stress it," and later, "I can see there's going to be a problem." Well DearSugar, of course there is a problem!! The woman's remarks rankled me, but my husband's comments did much worse because he doesn't see these comments as meddling, insulting and hurtful. I am considering telling him that he ignores my feelings, that I don't see much left for us. It is really ripping me up inside and i think I am right. Any advice most welcome. --Robbing the Cradle Rebbecca
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Dear Robbing the Cradle Rebbecca--
People are really finicky about age and relationships, I know, I have been there. Regardless of outside influences, the only thing that should matter is your happiness. Technically, age is just a number, and if it doesn't bother you, it shouldn't bother anyone else. With that said, I don't blame you for being upset by your husband's family and friends' snide comments, but it sounds like there could be a deeper problem here.
Your husband is clearly trying to avoid confrontation, but why do you think he is disregarding your hurt feelings and these insensitive words? Has your age difference always been a sensitive subject? Relationships are built on love and support, so if your husband is incapable of standing up for you and your commitment to one other, I think you have a right to second guess your future with this man.
Although you have expressed your anger to your husband, he clearly isn't hearing how hurt you really are. Let him know that you expect his support, regardless of the issue, no matter what. You are the best judge of your own feelings and life choices, so if you feel this relationship is lacking the emotional reinforcement you need from a partner, you might need to cut your losses and find a man who will give you what you need and deserve.
J Brand
DAY Birger et Mikkelsen
Rick Owens
I'll be 35 this year & there is a 7 1/2 year age differnce between my boyfriend (who I live with)& myself. We've never experienced the kind of response you're mentioning... but maybe we're just lucky.
I noticed though that the comments you mention: "you're too old for him, he should be with a better woman" & "she's not good enough for him.", don't focus only on the age difference. Is there a problem that you've had with your husband's family? Maybe a conversation with them is in order as well as the one with your husband.
Good Luck with everything!
1It never ceases to amaze me how other people like to stick their nose into people's relationships based on nothing but their own issues. If you and your husband don't care about the age difference, then who cares what anyone has to say?
That being said, it doesn't sound like your husband is hooking into the fact that your feelings are getting hurt. I'd try to talk to him at a neutral time about this; not when something has just happened and your emotions are raw. And not in the middle of a heated discussion about something else. Wait for the time and mood to be right - and you'll know it when it presents itself - and then have a real heart to heart with him about this and how much you want and need him to stand behind you; to stand with you, together as a couple, when people intrude on your marriage.
2what a b*tch!!! I am so sorry that people are saying this kind of crap about stuff that is not their business.
3Great stock photo Dear lol. I love how you are able to dig these up. Your search terms must be hysterical on some of these.
Anyway, on to the topic.
Okay, seriously, people actually said that to your face? They said directly to you that you aren't good enough for him? That is terrible. I don't even know what on earth I would ever say to someone who was so mean to my face. I guess I would probably just ignore the person and make them feel embarrassed for their rudeness.
As for your hubby, he is probably trying to make light of the situation and just brush their comments off. I know that I'm a lot more sensitive than my BF and sometimes I feel like he doesn't get that things affect me more than they would affect him. He probably sees these women as the jealous witches that they are and doesn't think it's even worth your time to consider!
I wouldn't "them or me" the situation though. You will have to live with these women whether you like it or not, if they are friends with your in-laws. So just keep being gracious and keep your head up and these people will be exposed for how wrong and awful they are!
4I don't like your husband's reaction... didn't he reassure you how much it didn't matter and how much he cares about you ? If not maybe you need couples therapy to see where his heart is.
5I'm sure your husband thinks the people making these comments are ignorant, but like Dear said, for some reason he is unable/unwilling to confront the perpetrators. I think you need to tell him straight up that as a couple you expect him to come to your defense, as you would do the same for him were the situation reversed. An age difference like that is no big deal, older men marry far younger women everyday and it's not considered an issue. My bf is four years younger than me and it's not an issue for our friends and family.
6from the way the comments are worded (i.e., she isn't good enough for him) it sounds as if you are hearing the stories of people dislikeing you second hand. so then i must ask; who is telling you these things and what do they have to gain?
7again "cut your losses" why is leaving a marriage an option? "till death do us part" people. get your act together, obviously there will be things to overcome.
8I can honestly say that I can't blame you for your reaction to those comments. That being said, intead of jumping the gun and destroying a relationship that you worked hard to build into a marriage, take constructive measures to fight for what is yours. This marriage is between you and your husband, and no one else's opinion should be able to shake your foundation. On a personal note, my BF's mother said the same about me early in the game, and I have to admit that it hurt. His reaction was similar to your husband's in that he didn't see it as an issue. I did. (Time passed and she eventually grew to understand that I am a good person, who cares for her son.)
9Let's face it. Men don't always understand women. Nor do they always validate what we feel. I agree with Kamiko that couples counseling may be in order if you want a neutral ground to explore your relationship. However, I also believe that a little time spent exploring your own sense of self-worth may benefit you personally. Be strong, and know that ultimately, you are worth it, you are valued, and you can make yourself happy. Validate yourself, it's nice to have understanding from others, but you're not always going to get it. Loving yourself is your best option.
Seriously, these women are probably just jealous that they can't score younger men themselves.... good for you!!!
10I think cutting out because of this is ridiculous. Speak to him when both of you are calm and tell him that you want your mother in law to respect you and that he needs to tell her this. He may not even know how upset you are about the comments and in his head he may be thinking since I do not care about it neither does she. I also think the comments are mostly based on the fact that his mom and her friends don't like you and not the age as much. If he does not tell her, tell him that you will then tell the mum that when she visits your house she must respect you or else she is not welcome in it.
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strenght
11Age is just a number. Seriously these ladies are probably just JEALOUS. You do what you want.
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